Monday, February 25, 2008

Testing myself

I think I am doing better with my new meds. I start hoping that I will be normal again sometime. Today was a good day and I was feeling confident that I was doing better. Well....of course I had to test myself. I failed the test. What I did was watch a show called beach patrol and sure enough every time something bad happened on the show I would start getting that panicky feeling.
I used to love the adrenaline rush of emergencies. I worked in the hospital and could not imagine doing anything else. One of my favorite places was the emergency room. I never thought that anything like that would bother me. But, I guess my mind has failed me.
While watching the show tonight I would start feeling panic when it showed people being injured and stuff like that. Then a part came where a guy was body surfing and he got flipped over on a wave. He could not feel anything from his nipple line down. I am guessing it was a neck injury. Of course that really set off my panic. The last rescue of the show was a young man who went down in the water and they could not find him. They pulled him out an hour later and started working on him. Before I started with this mental illness I would have focused on the code and the meds they were giving and the monitor and would think in my mind how I would have run the code if I was there. But...nope...not anymore. Now all I feel is panic. Fear.
The show has been over for about 20 minutes now and I still feel panicky. I am trying to think calm thoughts but I just keep feeling my heart race and my mind starting to think about death and dying.
So, I guess I failed the test of being able to watch the shows that I used to love...

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