Sunday, February 18, 2007

pain is a pain

My pain has been bad the past few weeks. I keep thinking that one day it will slowly get better and I will need less pain meds but so far it just keeps hurting. I have fibromyalgia as well as arthritis in my knee from all the surgeries to repair my femur. I also have the bone spurs in my neck and I really think that is what causes quite a bit of my pain. I just never seem to be pain free, unless of course I forget that I just took a dose of oxycodone and accidentally take a 2nd dose. That has only happend 2 times or so but amazingly I felt out of pain. At first I did not realize that I had no pain I just kept feeling different and then I thought to myself wow, no pain...I wish it had lasted longer then 2 hours. I tried the new medication LYRICA for awhile but it did not help much. I also have peripheral neuropathy and that causes lots of burning in my feet or makes them feel tingly like they are falling asleep. At this point the only shoes I can wear are crocs and of course my older kids hate the look of crocs and tease me about them. I want a new body lol..
I get upset with myself that I am lazy and do not do much. I guess I should at least let myself have some excuse since I have been qualified as disabled by the government and my dr's. It is hard for me though to think that I can not just do everything I want to do or everything that I used to do or that everybody else does. Since I do not LOOK disabled it is easy for people to just think I need to get up off my ass and get moving...I am guilty of this as well. Sometimes I am really tired and I was thinking geez I am lazy, then I realized that with the amount of oxyodone, xanax and other meds I take that it may not be laziness, it may be medications causing it.
I did change the time I take my lexapro from morning until night. I take the wellbutrin in the morning and the lexapro at night and that has seemed to have made a fairly big difference that I am noticing now. I do not feel so groggy throughout the day.
I have not had much anxiety problems this past week. Luckily the globus feeling has subsided this past week..thank goodness, that is the worst thing ever.
I started exercising and trying to eat better. I know if I lose weight that it will take a lot of stress off of my body and will help me feel less pain.
I am getting really worried about how much C weighs. He is 10, he is a big boy, about 4 foot 10 but almost 120 pounds. He is pretty solid but he needs to lose weight. We could not find any p ants that fit him properly this winter so he has had to mostly wear sweat pants and track pants. He has just recently started being upset about his size. I feel for him because I was the fat kid in school and hated it. I think my life could have turned out with a different story if I had not been the fat kid. Luckily we homeschool him but I worry that he will keep gaining weight. I had a talk with him today. Nothing harsh, just a gentle talk about some different foods we would be changing to and how he could walk on the treadmill etc. I think even if he could just lose 10 pounds and then maintain that for awhile until he grows a few more inches then I think he would be fine.
Well, I have thought about some journal entry subjects that I wanted to get written down and journal about so I plan to be writing quite a bit here in my blog the next week or if you are a reader of my blog, check back this week..

Monday, February 05, 2007

Catching up

I have not posted much in awhile. I wanted to keep this blog as an ongoing journal. I have thoughts in my head that I want to come blog but just never actually sit down to do it. I need to make a better effort at doing so. I find writing down my feelings etc to feel good, a place I can say whatever I want. I like to look back over the posts and see what thing I was feeling over the past few years.
I have had my ups and downs since the first of the year. I have not had any actual full blown panic attacks but have had a few times that I could tell I was on the edge of one. I have also had some more problems with my globus the past week..I hate this feeleing, I would rather have my arm held over a fire then to feel the feeling of the globus in my throat. I am hoping it will just subside over the next few days. I have had it at times that it was very mild and went away after a few days and then I have had it at times that it was terrible and it lasted for months.
I am blessed to have my best friend C...I know that I am happier now that I have a friend that I can count on to always be there and that I can trust and talk to. Trust is a big issue for me since some other things happened online at some forums I go to. I used to share everything at certain forums, I was like an open book. I am not comfortable doing that anymore and that kind of sucks. I loved the support and the input that I would get from other people when I would share details of my life. It is a shame that a few bad things has made me not want to share personal stuff anymore. Maybe I will get over it as time goes by....either way it is ok since I have my friend C that I can share whatever I want to with her.
My oldest daughter is moving out. She is 18 1/2 and I guess she is ready to try out life on her own. She is sharing an apartment with 2 other girls and the apartment is only 10-15 minutes from here so that is no so bad. She also wants to keep some of her stuff here and her bed so she can sleep here 1-2 nights a week. I think that is just a bit of security for her. A way for her to know that she still has a home here and can always come back. That is fine with me. She can come back anytime if she needs to but I think after a few weeks at her new apartment she will realize she does not want to come sleep here.
I can tell right now that she is happier then she has been in many many years...she has friends, a social life, doing fun teenage stuff and has paid all her bills and is actually saving money for the future. It is good to see her happy.
J has been clean and sober for about 6 weeks now. He spent a few weeks in juvie and I think maybe that scared him enough to keep him clean for now. He is doing outpatient intensive rehab as wel as church etc. He also seems happier then he has been in a long time. He seems to have plans for the future and as long as he stays clean he will be able keep planning for the future.
I had to go to the dentist last week and that is my biggest phobia ever. So, it was a hard week. I also need to go back next month to have a deep gum cleaning, that takes 4 appointments and I am already freaked out about it.
The addition of wellbutrin to my other meds has seemed to make a small difference, not tons of difference but enough to give me some more motivation to at least sew some and do some other things. I think I could probably use a higher does sinse I still feel depressed at times and just do not enjoy things that I used to and do not really feel like I have anything good in the future to look forward to.
My pain has also been a huge issue this past month. No matter how many oxycodone I take I am still in pain. I will see the dr next week and will need to change to something longer acting and then just use the oxycodone for breakthrough pain. The dr has mentioned putting my on oxycontin. Yes I have heard all the stories of people getting addicted to it etc.....but that is not really anything I am concerned about, I am in pain, I can not function, my quality of life is not very good because of my pain and if there is someway to decrease my pain so I can start doing the things I used to like to do, then it is well worth the risk of the oxycontin.
Well....I have more to write...much more but will end this now so I can take a nap.