Late but great

I had not seen my cousin Nicole for awhile. We were both busy with various things and she has been working night shift the past few weeks. We have not gotten together since a bit before my bday in october so she had my gift until she saw me thursday for Thanksgiving. She brought it to me then and everything is awesome. She knows just what I wanted. I got a LUSH brand bubble bar, bath fizz, and massage bar and also a book light that I had been wanting for a long time. She also put in my favorite candy...3 boxes of buttermints and one tin of rose candy. It was a great gift and I am planning to use part of the bubble bar in a bit.

Sewed a messenger bag

I sewed this but it did not turn out the way I hoped. It is too small and to stiff. I used fusible fleece for interfacing and used it on both the outer part and the interior lining. I think just one layer would have been fine. I love the way the pockets look on the outside and I will for sure make this pattern again with a few adjustments to make it more the size I want it to be.
I love this fabric and it is my favorite color combos....chocolate brown and pink. It actually is cheap fabric from walmart. 2.44 a yard. Kim picked me up about 15 yards of this print and its various coordinating fabrics. She owed me some money for a few slings I sewed for her friends recently so I had her pick up the fabric instead.

I am behind

Wow, it seems like I keep meaning to update my blog and add new posts and then I get busy and side tracked and do not get to it. Each day that goes by I have more planned to add to my blog and then within a few weeks time I have so much to add that I do not know where to start and I will never catch up.
My end of year resolution is to write at least something in my blog everyday.
A brief catch up....
I have been doing really well with my anxiety and depression the past month or so. I did have a few days last week that I felt a bit on edge and anxious with that globus feeling in my throat but that has gone away. Over the past 2 weeks I went out once with my husband and kids to a chinese buffet for lunch. I am not a huge fan of the buffet but that is what the kids wanted to eat. It was really very good. I did fine with my anxiety though at the end I did start feeling hot and like the room was too crowded even though there was not that many people in there. After that I had to go to the DMV to get my new picture of my drivers license. I guess every 12 years you have to get a new photo. I must have gone at a good time because I was in and out in about 15 minutes max. Of course I hate my new photo and am disgusted with how much my weight is and that I had to update that on my drivers license as well. Last Sunday I met Heather and her daughter Morgan at goodwill. Ray was shocked because I called heather and her husband said she had left for goodwill so I told Ray I am going to meet her at goodwill, he was surprised that I made up my mind to go and actually was getting out of the house. I spent probably over an hour there. I got quite a bit of stuff for 60 dollars. Ray needed some new short sleeve button down shirts so I got him 8 of those, 2 shirts for curtis, a bathrobe for me, a huge box of knex set that builds a roller coaster ( 6.99 for this). 2 cami tops, 1 bra and a cute shirt for me there are probably a few other things I bought but can not remember. I just know that I would have spent that much on just 2 or 3 of the shirts if I bought them new.
I also took curtis to boys group from the homeschool group. He has wanted to go for quite awhile but I was unsure about it and from what we had heard we thought it was a large group of boys. Turns out is usually about 5-6 boys and they are all right around curtis's age. He has been wanting to spend time with boys his age for quite awhile. Ray had to work the day of boys group so I got directions and off we went. Took about 20 minutes to get to the house that it was held at this week. Walked Curtis to the door, introduced him, he said he was ok and Sterling and I went back home. 3 hours later we went back to pick him up. He had the BEST time ever he said. All the boys like the same stuff that curtis likes. They played with nerf guns, legos, bionicles, nintendo wii and some other stuff. Curtis will be going to this group every week and he is already looking forward to next week.

wait for weight

Since my last post I have been thinking about the various reasons why I do not get out much or have people over or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Part of it is pain, part anxiety, part laziness and another part of it is my weight. I have battled my weight all my life but am currently at my highest weight ever. I was staying around 150-160 pounds for many years. That is too heavy for me but I felt good and could fit in cute clothing still and I did not constantly feel self conscious about my weight. Sure I wanted to lose weight and I was not in love with my size but I was ok with it. After all this mess with my mental illnesses started 4 years ago and I started on handfuls of medications I have put on lots of weight. I do not mean 10 or 15 pounds, I mean a lot. I do not want to admit fully how big I am but I will say I have put on roughly 50 pounds or so. I am short, 5 foot 2. I have small bones. I do not carry the extra weight well at all. I have tried diets and still have not lost weight. I thought since I started my thyroid meds that maybe that would help but so far it has not. I have some family and friends that I have not seen for 4 or 5 years and I do not want to see them because I just know their first thoughts will be **OMG she has gotten huge*. I see myself in a mirror and my heart just sinks at how big I am. I have to take the boys to PE in an hour or so and am already trying to find something to wear that does not look like I am wearing a tent. I just know people will look at me and think about my weight. It used to be that even when I was chubby that my face still looked fairly thin, but now even my face is fat. I do not look like what I want to look like.
BUT....I am wondering why am I missing out on stuff just because other people may judge my weight? I keep putting off stuff thinking that oh when I lose the weight then I will go out and do stuff. Well, it is obvious that I could be putting things off forever if I wait to be thin. When I was a teenager I put off stuff until I was thin. When I was 13 I went on a crash diet because I wanted to change from private school to public school but did not want to go to public school and be fat. So, I stayed at private school until I was thin. I did not go to the pool or the beach or talk about boys that I liked until I was thin. I just am tired of letting my weight dictate what I do or do not do...I wish it was not an issue. I wish I was thin or at least thinner. I know that not only is this extra weight mentally hindering me, it is physically hindering me as well. I know I would feel so much better if I lost weight and I AM trying. It is just not an easy thing to do at all. If it was not so hot here that would help a lot as well. I used to love to bike ride or play catch etc but geez at 100+ degrees here it is way to hot.
I am tired of wearing the same clothing over and over because I just do not find it fun to buy cute stuff in my size. Last week I did buy 2 pair of sexy panties to wear for Ray but as of yet have not put them on...I do not have any jeans. All my pants are stretch ones, like leggings etc. I am embarrassed to find out what size I would need in actual jeans. Probably a size 20 or maybe even bigger...but I am making a promise to myself that I am going to buy myself a cute pair of jeans no matter what size I need. I am also going to buy a few other cute items for myself and then go through my closet and throw away all the dingy stretched out clothing that I do have.
I am going to make an appt to get a hair cut and maybe even get my nails done.
I am going to try to treat myself better. I am going to exercise more and keep on doing weight watchers. The weight will come off, it is just going to take awhile and I am tired of putting my life on hold until I am thin.

I cry....why???

Yesterday I had my Psychiatrist appt. Nothing new about this, it has been normal for the past 4 years for me to go as often as every 2 weeks. I left the house and was driving along and the country song *remember when* came on. For some reason I just started crying. I was thinking about what I have missed out on over the past 4 years or so. How we had certain things we wanted to do in life and I feel like I ruined it for my husband and that my kids miss out on stuff because of me. There are so many things I had hoped to do with Sterling over the past few years and I missed out on them. I had so much fun the first 18months or so after having Sterling. He was the first child I had that I did not have to go back to work. I joined the MOMS club, I took him to the park, we went to library storytime, toddler bowling, arts and crafts day at the craft store, the zoo, etc. We just did all the things that I felt like I missed out on with my older kids because I had to work so much. I had an awesome birthday party for his 1st bday, made the cake, decorated the house, bought him a special outfit, made custom invitations and thank you cards etc. That is how I hoped it would continue. It all stopped August 2004 when all of this mess started. He is 6 years old now and all of those things that I had wanted to do with him never happened. I hope that now that I am doing better now that I can start doing new things with him to make up for the past few years. But, for some reason when that song came on it made me cry...but, it also made me realize that I need to make more of an effort to do stuff. I need to make sure to take enough pain meds to keep me out of extreme pain so I will feel like doing more stuff. I am allowed to take quite a bit of pain meds but I always worry that the more I take, the more I will need so I try to keep it under a certain amount. But, now I realize that is silly. I need to take what I need now and can worry about needing more later on when it happens.
The psychiatrist said I need to try to get out 2-3 times a week even if it is just for a walk down the street. That would be nice if it was not still almost 100 degrees outside.
On the way home from my appt I decided to get a haircut. I have not had my haircut in years...I finally went to get it done and of course they had over an hour wait so I left. I did go to CATO and bought a few things. A cute shirt on clearance for 1.99 and then 2 sexy pairs of lace panties that I know Ray will love...Then I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. Nothing special but it was good for me to be out for awhile.
I still am looking into trying to find a place for us to move to, to get out of this awful heat and crowd and find some place nicer to live. I just know it would be so much better to live somewhere else.
So, nothing new from the psychiatrist, just keep on the same meds. I am really happy with how these meds are working. I think my anxiety is better now then it has been in 4 years. If I was not in so much pain I would get out more. I do want to go out but I just ache and hurt so much that it makes it hard for me to actually go out and enjoy it. I am hoping that between the new dr I will be seeing and the PHYSIATRIST that I am going to see in a few weeks that maybe something will help. I was not sure what a physiatrist was but I guess it is a dr who specializes in various types of pain...so we shall see how that goes.
I have been working on some sewing and crochet. I want to make a batch or two of some soy wax tarts tomorrow. I have some vanilla pumpkin fragrance oil that would work well. Also Sterling wants to make some bath fizzy powder tomorrow. I have some bubble gum scented fragrance oil that would work well for that. I want to make a list of gifts that I want to make for Christmas this year. I think I should start on doing a few of them every week or so if I actually want to get them all done this year lol...I totally hope to just have fun during the holidays this year and not worry about the gifts. My kids do not need anything and they actually do not want much either. THey get gifts through out the year so really the holidays are not the only time they get stuff so that is not as big a part of Christmas for them as it may be for others. I do want to make us all matching pjs and make sure we do our gingerbread house this year, our cookie baking, fudge and all the other goodies, especially my brown sugar iced pumpkin cookies that everybody loves. I will make plenty so Ray can take some to work, I know quite a few people at his work ask about the pumpkin cookies every year.
Oh and I definitely want to make salt water taffy this year as well as lollipops.
I know my medication is working because just thinking of these things are exciting to me and when my anxiety and depression are bad nothing sounds exciting or fun to me.

long time, no posts..

I was almost certain I had written a message or two over the past few weeks, but either I did not or I did and they are lost in cyberspace.
I am still on 100mcg of levothyroxine. I have to get labwork done and see the dr next week and will find out then if it needs adjusting more or not. I also am waiting for an appt to the rheumatologist. There are only 3 or 4 of them in town. I saw one of them and umm....not a good one and I do not plan to go back to him. The one that I want to go to requires a doctors referral even though my insurance does not require one. I guess she just wants to make sure there is a valid reason to see her and not just because..My dr told me a few weeks ago that I needed to go see one but I guess I will get a referral from him next week.
My last set of lab results came back pretty certain of lupus and my doctor said that he would consider that a diagnosis of lupus combined with symptoms I have that are pretty unique to lupus. I have the butterfly rash on my face which gets worse in the sun. I also have all the various lab results that go along with it, my sed rate, c-reactive protein etc. I also have some odd rash that comes and goes, he mentioned that there is a form of lupus that causes skin rashes. He also gave me a huge packet of info from the Arizona Lupus society. I have not read it much, just glanced through it. I guess I really want to see the rheumatologist to get another opinion.
I guess since I have thought on and off for the past few years that I could possibly have lupus that this does not really shock me nor does it worry me all that much.
I have had some really rough days as far as pain goes...I wish that there was more that could be done for it then the constant pain pills.
Not much else has really been going on.
I see the psych dr tomorrow, no changes will be made to my meds this month. I think so far the zoloft is working better then any of the other pills I have tried.
Oh, on another fun note....I guess oxycontin no longer makes a generic...so, instead of me paying 10 dollars a month for the generic, I have to pay 100 a month for the name brand. Which I still consider myself lucky because without insurance it runs over 500 dollars a month.
I have been going next door to my parents house every afternoon to take care of my dads wound on his leg. It is getting better but is still really deep and big and needs a dressing change each day. Of course my mom could do it...she is there and not doing anything but she would rather act helpless and have me come over there and do it. I do not mind doing it but it is just the fact that she really has no concern for how I feel just as long as I do my dads stuff that is all she worries about.
My mom is still talking about moving to california with my brother. My dad is going to my brothers in october and I guess he will decide then if he will move out there with my mom or what...
It is hot hot hot here still and I still hate it. I have been tossing around ideas of moving. Ray is all for it. There is not much holding us here other then Rays job but I know he can get another one very easily. He has so much experience and is trained in pediatrics and neonatal ICU as well as PFT, bronchs and much more so I am sure he could find a job. It is just a bit scary to up and move...but I am seriously considering it.

My thyroid is asleep..

Well...maybe not asleep but at least sluggish. I finally went and got my lab work done ( after waiting a year with the lab slips in my drawer) and I got the results when I went to the dr appt last week. Everything that I was scared of coming back wrong was all just fine. Liver, kidney, heart tests were all fine. My thyroid test came back showing that I have hypothyroidism. I have a family history of it and I have noticed more and more symptoms of it. I have had more dry patches on my skin, my hair has been dry, I have been so tired and worn out etc. So, I was prescribed 100mcg of levothyroxin. I started it 5 days ago. It takes a bit of planning to take it because it has to be taken in the morning, on an empty stomach, with a full glass of water. I can not eat anything for at least 30 minutes after taking it and I cant take any antacids, calcium or iron supplements for 4 hours. The first day I took it I felt a warm feeling starting about 30 minutes after taking it. It was not unpleasant but just a bit odd. I did also feel a bit dizzy and felt like my heart was beating fast but I think that was just my anxiety that was high due to my fear of taking a new pill. I did not notice much the 2nd or 3rd day. The 4th day ( yesterday) I felt tired in the morning ( like usual) but after lunch time I felt really good. I even asked Ray if he and the boys wanted to go out with me. I had to go get another lab test done and then had to go to the bank and then I decided to stop at goodwill. YEP..I went to goodwill and I did fine. It was really hot inside the store so that was a bit of a downer but other then that I did fine. If the kids had not been with us I would have probably looked around more because they were putting out all kinds of stuff and there was lots of stuff to look through. I spent about 20 dollars. I got 2 different fabrics, both knit fabics very cute prints from Antex brand. There was about 6 yards total and I paid 3 dollars for all of it. I got 2 books from Luanne Rice, a cami top with built in bra to wear with my lounge pants, the boys picked out a few stuffed animals and I got a really cute stuffed catterpillar toy to give to the dogs to play with.
I have to go back to the dr next week. Some of my test results came back with results that could mean I have lupus. My sed rate and C reactive protien were high. My lyme disease test came back with a false positive ( I do not have lyme disease but it is common for people with lupus to have lyme disease test come back screwy) I have had symptoms of lupus on and off for a few years but most of the symptoms for lupus are also symptoms of fibromyalgia so it is hard to tell exactly what is going on. I will find out the results to my second ANA blood test as well as a few other blood tests when I go to the dr next week.

crappy smoothie

I took a nap for a few hours and woke up feeling a bit less anxious. Still not good but better. I found a television marathon on today of a who I had never heard of before. It is called strip search and it is back from 2005. Basically the guy who formed the mens stripping group called the thunder down under had decided to make up a group similar to them but that included men from the U.S. He went around the country and came up with 15 guys and then the entire 6 or 7 hour marathon of episodes was him getting the group down to 7 members. It was mindless tv but wow were the guys sexy. I have not watched all of it yet but have the last few episodes on dvr to watch later after big brother is over.
So, on to the crappy smoothie. I have not eaten since friday. After I came home from Joanns I started feeling sick to my stomach so did not eat anything that night. Yesterday morning I was still feeling sick but had a few crackers and 1/2 a sprite. Later on in the evening I had 2 push pops and some coke. Today I had some toast earlier and that is about it. When my anxiety is bad I can not eat. I get sick to my stomach and also panic that I will choke. So, Ray decided to get the boys pizza from costco. The pizza did not sound good to me but I got excited over him picking me up a berry parfait from there. Layers of vanilla frozen yogurt with mixed berries in between. He ordered the pizzas on the phone and was told it was a 45 minute wait. The entire time all I could think about was my yummy berry parfait coming. He left about 30 minutes later and 25 minutes more and he was home. WITH OUT MY FREAKING BERRY PARFAIT.....he made a mistake and got my some iced berry smoothie that tastes like crap and is so sweet it gave me the heaves. Can he go back and get me what I wanted???? NOOOO because costco closed 5 minutes after he got home. He told me he knew it was the wrong thing after they handed it to him. WHY OH WHY did he not then order the right thing? I know he probably did not realize how much I wanted this freaking parfait. My stomach is hungry but nothing sounds good except for that. I know it sounds pathetic but I was almost in tears. He has offered now to go to dairy queen to get me something else but it is not the same. I do not want to sound ungrateful because really I am not and normally would not have even said anything. I would just have thanked him for it and quietly tossed it out when he was not looking. I know he did the best he could and I am glad that he tries to take such good care of me. I know in the scheme of things this really is a very little petty thing but darn it I wanted a berry parfait.
He is leaving now to go to Dairy Queen. I can tell he is irritated with me over this. I do not even know what they have at dairy queen so I told him just to get me something with vanilla soft serve ice cream and with strawberries on it. NO NUTS or anything else. I am crossing my fingers that it will be something yummy.

damn damn

Having a freaking rough time today. It started yesterday and I just kind of tried to ignore it.
There is no ignoring it today, I am feeling anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I am so irritated and frustrated. I start feeling better and start thinking about things I want to plan for the future and I start looking forward to stuff I can do with my kids and then BAM....freaking set back.
I have gone for awhile with needing no xanax and now today I am back needing it. I feel let down and scared. Of course Ray has to work tomorrow and Kim will not be home so it will just be the boys and me. That worries me. I have done so well dealing with them and not being anxious to be home with them alone for at least the past 6 months and now this starts. I wish Ray had tomorrow off, that would make my mind more at ease. He has to work the next 2 days so I just need to get through 2 days...Of course it would be awesome and wonderful if I had any sort of family that could help me out. I am hoping this is just a minor set back and that by this evening I will be better.
I just took some xanax and am going to go lay down and maybe this will pass soon.

I think I can, I think I can...(Can I?)

ok, I am going to get out of the house for a bit ( gasp!!)
I have not been out anywhere besides the dr for quite a long time. I have wanted to go to Joanns fabric store for a few years at least. I have only been one time and that was 4 1/2 years ago.
I see people on the sewing forums I go to post such cute stuff they have bought at Joanns. I know I can buy it online and have somebody pick it up for me and mail it to me. That is how I have been buying all my sewing notions, fabric, patterns etc for the past few years. I have been in so much pain this past week so I have not done much sewing or crocheting or much of anything actually. I think the humidity of the monsoon season is just making my pain worse. I usually keep myself from getting bored by sewing and crafting but this past week I have spent reading and watching tv. Today I was laying on the couch and started thinking that my pain was feeling better today and that I wish that I could get out. I decided that there was no reason why I should not get out and I am going to force myself to get out of the house. Ray is home so he is going to drive. If we only get a few miles from the house before I panic then we will just turn around and come home. I am just going to keep telling myself ***I think I can, I think I can*** lol..until I get there. Once I am there it will be ok as long as it is not too crowded. If it is crowded then I will just have Ray run in and buy the natural cream colored flannel that I am in desperate need of to finish sewing some elf dolls from the pipsqueek pattern.
I am telling myself that I do not have to stay long, we can come back home as soon as I want to. I do not have to go anywhere again for awhile. I think that is part of what panics me...I start thinking that if I go out once or twice then my husband and kids etc will think I am cured and then a few days later when I am having a rough time again then they will all be disappointed. So far each time I have forced myself to go out I end up coming home and sort of freak out about what could have happened and then I look back over everything I said and did while I was out and worry that I did or said the wrong thing. Then after a bit I decide that it just was not worth all the stress and trouble and panic that it took to go out.
So, for now I am not worrying about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I am just focusing on going and buying some wonderfully cute fabric....I figure I better stock up now in case it is another 4 1/2 years before I get to Joanns again...
wish me luck

A few sewing projects

Here is a cute dress I made using a pattern called *miss molly* it is a cute curved bodice dress with ties at the shoulders. This is the first one I made and had a bit of trouble gathering the fabric. Gathering has got to be the hardest thing for me ever. I know it really is not a hard thing to do but I just never get the gathering evenly. I had not hemmed this yet as I was hoping to figure out somebody to give it to and then hem it to the correct length. It was a fun pattern to sew and I have a few more cut out and ready to sew up. I used Michael Miller fabric for this dress. The pictures did not turn out very good. I think I will take new ones and then get them posted. The dress is much cuter then the pics show




Here are a few of my recent sewing projects.
This is a cute little knit fabric baby shirt and hat. I used the new conceptions baby essential pattern for it and it was a very easy pattern to use. The pattern also includes a pattern for pants, booties and shorts. This will be something I plan to make for any baby gift I need to give.

quick update

I know I have not posted anything recently. There has been quite a few things going on and I just have not had the energy to make a post.
I will write more details in the next few posts.
The short short story is..my dad ended up in the hospital with heart problems. He ended up having a procedure called cardiac ablation. That went fine but he is just dealing with so many problems and is so weak that they sent him to a nursing home. He has been there for about 3 weeks and has had some major setbacks.
I was sick for a few days and started having some signs of a bladder infection..I finally went to urgent care when I noticed blood in my urine. Yep, bad bladder infection.
I went the other day for lab work...12 vials of blood..eek.
I have gotten a good amount of sewing done and have taken photos and will get those on my blog in the next or so.
Kim decided she wanted to get a boob job done. I did not think she would actually go through with it but she did. She had it done a few days ago and is recovering now. She is really sore. It is not what I wanted her to do and if it was up to me she would not have gotten it done BUT she is 20 years old and it is her decision and I will be there to support her no matter what she chooses to do ( well as long as it is legal lol)
Ok, that is the short of it lol...
I am going to challenge myself to a few things this month and will post about that in a bit.

So frustrated

GRRRR
Ok...this makes no sense to me. Be aware that I am still irritable and cranky from the increased wellbutrin and I think I am maybe a grouchy person to begin with lol.
We had the same car insurance company for 20 years. Well, my husband had them for years before we got married and then when we got married he added me to his and we even used them as our homeowners insurance when we bought our first home. The rates kept rising though and even though Ray or I have ever had a ticket or an accident it just kept going up. We decided to shop around for insurance. We found a few that were pretty close in rates and then another one that was a bit more then the other estimates but the insurance agent was very friendly and helpful so we decided to go with that one.
We have had this new insurance for over 2 years now. Ray nor I have had any tickets, any accidents, any claims, no new vehicles or anything. I drive very very little...like maybe 300 miles in a year..We got a letter in the mail a month or 2 ago that said they were going to start doing credit checks and adjusting rates based on that. Well, we assumed ( yes I know what they say about the word assume) that it meant they would look over our payment history etc. I mean why else would they need to do a credit check?
After over 2 years of paying our payment on time every single month, never bouncing a check, never a day late, never a claim, they thank us and reward us by charging us an extra 500 dollars a year because our credit record was bad...Yes it may have been bad, we had some trouble a few years ago when I was not able to work anymore and before I started getting my disability check. BUT, it never affected us making payments to the insurance company. Our credit now is in the same state it was over 2 years ago when they first started covering us. NOTHING has changed to make us a higher risk except for the fact that they ran a credit check. How does the fact that we were late on a SEARS credit card affect our ability to drive?
I see no correlation between our credit and our insurance rates. And even if they did want to raise the amount because of bad credit, 500 dollars a year seems very excessive. I mean we could get in a wreck, cost the insurance 1,000's of dollars and our rates would not have gone up 500 dollars a year.
I do not think this is fair. We are being punished when we have not done anything that would warrant the need to charge us more.
I am sooo irritated and upset. 500 dollars a year may not sound like much but for us it seems to be quite a bit. We budget, we buy food on sale, we do not use much gasoline, I leave the cooler set on 80-82 degrees even though I would LOVE to run it at 75 and then BAM out of the blue for no reason we are charged an extra 500 dollars a year.
I called the local insurance agent, of course he is NOT in. I talked to the poor assistant for over 20 minutes trying to understand how they could justify doing this. I guess they do not need to.They just do it and we either have to pay it or not have insurance. She did give me another number to call but right now I am too upset to deal with somebody else and I am sure it will not get me anywhere.
I know life is not fair ever but this just seems wrong. To me it would be like trying to apply for a credit card at SEARS and having them check my driving history. How does one relate to another??? Maybe the insurance company should run a check on my library card as well and charge me more since I was late returning a book...that would make almost as much sense to me.

dogs and cats and kids oh my!!

Ok...my post yesterday saying that the wellbutrin increase made me a bit more irritable..well I lied lol..I am very irritable a bit agitated and feel like my OCD is taking over my brain. I am trying to just sit and relax but each time I sit down I see something that has to be done RIGHT now. My house is a sty and I just can not get it clean. The more I clean the faster the kids, cats and dogs destroy it. I think they all are at their worst today because they can sense that it is pushing me over the edge. I think they scheme and plan on ways to just drive me even nuttier then I already am. The house is dusty, the bathrooms are awful, the kitchen is a wreck. The walls need wiped down, the bathrooms need scrubbed and the toilets need to be cleaned with a pumice stone and some CLR. The laundry room is filthy. I have clutter everywhere. I have piles of stuff I need to get rid of. Then I see stuff that I need to hire a handyman to do. The bathroom floor in the guest bathroom is awful and needs new tile put down, and there are other small repairs that need to be done as well. I need to hire a cleaning person. I had one for a bit but it did not work out the way I wanted it to so I had planned to have somebody else do it but never got around to hiring somebody else.
I am trying to make a list of what needs done but I keep adding to it and by the time I am done making the list I will be too worn out to do anything.
I still need to get to the lab to get all my blood work done but I am afraid of waiting for the results. I need to get my neck xray done so I can schedule for a MRI or whatever other test the dr wants to do because as time goes on I am having more and more numbness in my fingers. I think it is a pinched nerve. Of course it could be something much worse but I am refusing to google my symptoms otherwise I will diagnose myself with a billion different awful diseases.
There is not one area of my house that is nice and clean. I try to keep the room that I spend most of the time in clean but recently the kids have taken over part of the room and have brought clutter with them. My coffee table is at least semi clean..the remote controls are all lined up and facing the right way lol and all the pillows on the couch are facing the right way so I guess that is a start.
7 more hours till my husband comes home...poor guy will be coming home to a manic list of chores that need to be done lol. He has the weekend off and by monday he will be begging to go back to work..
If the boys would not make any messes for about a week I could probably get caught up on the housework..what are the chances of that? I think Sterling averages about 52 seconds between each disaster he makes and he is probably thinking right now of what else he can do to make a mess....

On the medicine adjustment train again...

Yep, once again the time has come to adjust meds. Luckily it does not include the need to wean off one ssri and start up another. Actually now that I think about it, it has been almost a year that I have been on zoloft. Of course it took me quite awhile though to get from 50mg of my starting dose to my 200mg dose now. Before zoloft I had been on lexapro for a year and weaning from that to the zoloft was not as awful as I had thought it would be but was also not what I would call fun.
I am a bit nervous about the zoloft one day just deciding to stop working like my other meds have. Hopefully this will work longer then the list of other ones I have tried.
About 6 days ago my dose of wellbutrin was raised. Not just a bit but by a fair amount. From 150mg to 300mg. Of course that makes me anxious thinking about because the last time I raised the wellbutrin above 300mg it seemed my panic attacks kicked in again. So far I have been ok on the higher dose. I bit more anxious, a bit more irritable and a bit sick to my stomach but nothing too terrible. I am noticing a bit more motivation and a bit more energy. I hope it continues because I am tired of being anxious AND depressed.
I started thinking about all the meds I have tried in the past 3 years or so...paxil cr ( 3 different doses) cymbalta, prozac, buspar, lexapro(20mg and then at an above recommended dose of 30mg) lyrica ( not just for anxiety but it is been said to help) then of course various doses of xanax. Then of course there are meds I have taken for my pain that have changed from one med to the other, one dose and then another. Right now I seem to be on the best combo of meds all the way around. I am not pleased with side effects but the alternative is even worse. Of course I am still hoping for a magic pill to come along to fix everything and have no side effects...but since that is not likely to happen I will just keep doing what I am doing now and keep trying to find the meds that work the best for me.

Beans

I wanted to post some pictures about my little prince of a dog...Mr Beans...aka the drama queen lol...He is 11 months old. He will be 1 year old on the 21st of June. He is a chihuahua. I never ever thought I would love a chihuahua. I have only ever been around ones that were mean and nervous and so I just thought that is how they all are. Kim moved out for awhile and while she was living elsewhere she decided to get a dog. 300 dollars later she had beans. I kept telling her it was a big mistake, that he would not be a good pet etc. Well, she brought him by and yep, he was cute but NOPE I did not care for him. A few weeks later she decided to move back in and brought her dog with her. I was not happy at all to have another dog here. I was completely happy with my poodle Sassy. Well...after about 3 days beans worked his way into my heart. Kim was never home and beans spent 24 hours a day with me. He napped on me, slept in bed with me etc. He was just so tiny. He was about 3 months old when Kim moved back in with him. Kim slowly stopped paying any attention to him and I fell totally in love with him.
He is the sweetest little guy. He knows how to make me laugh. He is funny and smart and oooooh so cute. He is quite the drama queen though. If I go to clean his ears or cut his nails or anything he cries like he is being beaten....
He loves to play with sassy and for only being 8 pounds or so he sure shows her who is boss. He is very very loyal to me and a few months ago Kim told me I could just have him because Beans does not like her anymore. He is neutered now but before he was neutered he marked me as his territory. I was standing in the kitchen ant the counter and I felt something on my leg and I looked down and he was peeing on me. He turned and looked at my husband and gave him a smg look like YEP....SHE IS MINE lol.
Beans is very protective of me and makes it known that he thinks he owns me. He is not fond of my husband at all...I guess the feeling is mutual...my husband is not very fond of beans. I actually think my husband is jealous of beans. Beans is very very spoiled. I make him the best foods, he has so many toys that he has a full toy box of them. He has pillows and beds and blankets. His favorite pillow is a pink princess fluffy pillow lol...yes he is a queen.
Beans is definitely NOT a family dog. He is a one person kind of guy. And I am his person. He is not fond of kids most of the time but does love to snuggle up to Sterling at times.
Beans is learning how to *give 5*, he can *dance* for his treats, he will play ball and bring it back to me. He loves to burrow under my blankets like a little rat and sleep under them. When I nap on the couch he has his own little nest next to me that he snuggles in and he puts his paws on my hands..soooo cute.
He will eat anything and he LOVES to eat. Oranges, watermelon, well, actually any fruit or veggie he will eat. Chicken, steak, ground beef....he will eat it. I also laugh at his favorite toy, out of all the fun toys he has, his favorite toy is a plastic egg from easter. He bats it around and will play with it for a long time. When Easter was over I made sure to buy an extra pack of plastic eggs for him just in case these got lost or broken and we could not find anymore at the store when it was not Easter.
He makes me happy, I make him happy....we are just plain good for each other. I guess it goes to show that sometimes the best things that come along did not start out that way. I never thought I would have fallen in love with this little guy but now I can not imagine life without him. He has brought me much happiness.

photos

OOOps. those pics on the past post are really messed up..
I figured out how to fix them and will go back and edit those photos later this evening.
Sorry

A bit more sewing

I am trying to get good at my serger. I guess I am just way to attached to using my sewing machine. I am comfortable with the sewing machine but the serger is sooo much faster and no need to go back and clip seams and finish edges etc. I have such a hard time going around edges though, I serge off the edge or cut a hole into the seam..oops.
Here is a dress I made based on the Olivia dress pattern from Farbenmix. I left off the hood.

Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints Here is another cute knit outfit made with the same fabric. The picture makes it look like the neckline is a bit wonky but it really is not. I do not totally care for the style of shirt and would prefer the lap tee style. This is about a size 6 months or so. Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

Here is another dress made from the Olivia farbenmix pattern. I LOVE the farbenmix patterns. Again this is knit fabric and I am still practicing. I did mess up a bit on the hood but it is still cute. It is hard to tell but the hood has a cute knotted tail on it.

Goodbye Tiki

Yesterday we had to put our much loved cat, Tiki, to sleep.
She was almost 18 years old and was starting to suffer. We knew about 2 weeks ago that this needed to be done but we just were not quite ready to let go. We spent the past 2 weeks with her, loving her, petting her, making sure she got to lay on her favorite blanket in the sunny window everyday. She got to eat her favorite foods...turkey and tuna and she got lots of love. We took lots of pictures of her and plan to put pictures from her 18 years of life into video slide show. She was cremated and we will pick up her ashes in about 2 weeks and have them in a special urn on the shelf next to Dr J. ( rays kitty that died years ago).
Tiki outlived many of the other pets she lived with. There were 2 dogs who tiki lived with back when she was much younger, link and otis. Tiki would play with them and then drive them crazy but running away from them. They would catch her and lick her all over. We fondly called this game "get the kitty". Link and Otis both died a few years ago and I have no doubt that tiki is with them now playing get the kitty.
Tiki was always a small cat but recently lost so much weight that she was just skin and bones. She loved everybody in the family but also had a very big mean streak in her and we all have scars to remind us of her and her claws.
Tiki was spayed when she was just a kitty so never was a mama kitty but she sure nurtured me through my pregnancies. She would lay by my side or on my belly. I have pictures of her laying near me while I would breastfeed. She seemed to just be able to sense when I needed her nearby.
As much as it breaks my heart to not have her here with me, it was out of love that I was able to let her go and not have her continue to suffer. She was getting sicker and sicker and we knew there was nothing else we could do to fix her.
Tiki lived a full life and was always loved and taken care of.

Art

Well, it is sort of like art lol. We were bored and also running low on crafting supplies. Sterling was in the mood to mix stuff and make a mess. We had already done the corn starch stuff and mixed all the vinegar we had with baking soda. I dug through the drawers and pulled out the food coloring. I let sterling mix it with water to make different colored water. Then, he wanted to paint with it. Well, we happened to have a loaf of bread that was going stale sitting on the counter so I do not know why it crossed my mind to paint on the bread, but it did. This was not the best of ideas, the bread got very soggy and was a mess. If we ever do this again I would toast the bread first.
Or...just get real paint and paper.
The cat wants in on the action also...

Another day at home..

Ok I admit, I did not get out of the house today like I had set my goal for. I stayed up until 2am in a panic worrying about having to go out. I finally convinced myself that it was silly to force myself to leave my home where I feel safe unless I have to.
I also spent most of the day in pain. I took my oxycontin just like I am supposed to and took the maximum amount of oxycodone but it still just did not help with the achy feeling in my bones.
I spent most of the day on the couch, with my laptop and television. I keep hoping that there will be a new med for my pain that will help but so far there has been nothing that has worked for me.
I have heard some new things about high level folic acid helping with some of the pain. My dr mentioned it last time I saw him but we did not go further into it because we were mostly concerned with the new pain I had in my right arm and shoulder and were trying to see if it was nerve pain or something else.
I just am tired of feeling so much pain. It has been years since I have had a pain free moment. I can no longer even wear a bra because it causes too much pain in my ribs. I have had to switch to just wearing cami bras. I can only wear loose shoes like crocs, tevas, birks etc because my foot swelling so much that the shoes hurt. I also noticed since the addition of a different med a few months ago my contact lens bother me often and I have to switch to glasses on most days. I think it is caused from dry eyes. I even got special contacts that are supposed to be good for dry eyes. It is hard to explain the level of pain I have. Some days the pain is so bad that I can not even brush my hair. If I can manage to get through my anxiety for long enough to go get my hair cut that would help a ton with that problem. I have been to anxious to go get a haircut for years so my hair is way down my back. Not because I planned to grow it that long, but because I just could not manage to get a haircut lol.
I have a long list of lab work I need to get done, there are a few new things that are being tested, things like vitamin D and vitamin A. Of course a repeat of the lupus test and my sed rate, which has been sky high the times it has been tested. I saw one rheumatologist but he was an odd odd duck and I never went back since my regular dr specializes in pain issues but if my sed rate is still really high or the ana test ( tests for lupus) comes back abnormal I will have to go find another rheumatologist to see.
I have an order to go get an xray of my neck to check if there is any further changes in the bone spurs and discs.
I think I am going to go soak in the jacuzzi tub and lay on the couch with a heat bag for awhile.

Palace or Prison?

I have thought about this question off and on. Is my home my palace or my prison? I am stuck here and can not leave due to my fears and phobias. For awhile I thought of it as my prison. I think I have worked hard to make it more a palace. ( Ok...it is a mobile home but still ya know...) I have everything I need here. I am comfortable here. I have one room of the house that I call my room. It is an extra living room and it is set up with everything I could need. I have my computer, my sewing machine, fans, lights, tv, remote controls, dvds, stereo, phone, treadmill, my blanket for snuggling on the couch, windows to look out and see the wildlife outside ( if you call snakes and ground squirrels wildlife..there have been hours that the ground squirrels have entertained me..) I have my 2 dogs by my side every second of the day. I have shelves of books. I can chat with all my friends online. Luckily I enjoy being home. Luckily I live in an era of technology. I can not imagine what a prison my life would feel like if I did not have access to the outside world through my computer.

Fish on a hook

I have tried to explain agoraphobia before but I really think this video makes a lot of sense.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=211265947557574874
Check out this video, it is only 3 minutes long and well worth watching.
This is very close to how I feel. I want to go out and I want to do things with friends and my kids. I just can't. I know that does not make any sense to most people. I have had people tell me that I just need to get out of the house and I do try. I have every intention to go out but as the time gets closer to me having to leave I start having symptoms of panic and anxiety. I start feeling sick to my stomach and having a hard time catching my breath. My heart starts racing. I become very irritable because I am frustrated and had high hopes that this time would be different and I would be able to go out and not have these symptoms. I finally decide that I can not go out. Slowly I calm back down but after my panic levels are back to normal I trade those feelings for depression and disappointment. I get depressed because of guilt that I am not doing the things with my kids that I feel I should be doing. Of course the more I focus on this, the worse it makes me feel.

I do want to make goals to get out but now with gas prices going up and it being so hot, I almost feel like I can use that as an excuse. But, I know that I need to work at this.
Tomorrow I am making a goal to go to goodwill. It is only about 2 miles from here, maybe less. I want to go there and just make it a goal to go in. Usually, once I make it in to a place I do better. It is the anticipation and planning that is the hard part.
Since the first of the year, besides dr appts, I think I have gone out 2 times. That is just not good. I really need to get out 1 time a week. Even just to go to the library or somewhere. The longer I go without leaving, the harder it gets to leave. Once I start going out on a more regular basis it will become more habit and I will get used to it. Just starting is the hard part. Just imagine if each time you wanted to leave the house you felt sick and could not breath....after awhile you would just stop wanting to go out. No matter how badly you wanted to go out the symptoms of panic would make you decide it was just easier to stay home.

oooops

Ok, obviously I have done something way wrong with my photos on here.
I had it all figured out when I was using photobucket and I could easily resize my pics. I changed to snapfish because I prefer to order my prints from there and I can upload tons and tons of pics very easily. I am going to need to figure out how to fix this. It looks awful!!!!

cute little reversible cross over dress

I think this is just sooo cute. It needs a few adjustments to the pattern before I sew it again. It seems a bit to boxy for me and needs to be narrowed down. The cross over part crosses over a bit too much. I also am not happy about the snap placement. But, it still is cute and would be an adorable summer dress or swim suit cover up.
Here is a pic of the reverse print of the dress

Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

A few of my recent sewing projects

I have been trying to get some sewing done. I have sewn lots and lots of doll slings and doll diapers recently and am taking a tiny bit of a break from them to sew some other things. I do not sew for any specific person, just look through patterns and pick whatever I feel like sewing. When I am done sewing then I usually just find somebody who wants what I made and give it away.
The past few days I have been sewing purses and totes. None are totally finished but I will post pics when they are done.
Here is a cute baby outfit I made. I think it is about a size 9-12 months. It is 2 tops and 1 bottom. Each top is reversible though so it can be worn at least a few different ways.
(Oh, I still have to add snaps to the shoulders)

Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

This second shirt also reverses to a solid print on the other side. This is a cute little summer outfit. The back of it crosses in the back.