Monday, March 19, 2007

Plans for the week

I figure I need to make plans for each week otherwise the week will pass and I will get nothing done. I will sit and worry about what needs to be done and will end up doing nothing.
I will keep this weeks list simple since I know I will be going through med changes and want to not have to worry too much about other things. I do need to get sassy groomed, I am hoping to set up for a groomer to come to my home to do the grooming. I also need to get to the bank on weds to deposit my monthly disability check. I am hoping that my husband will take me to the bank that day and maybe we can do one other small errand. I also HAVE to get some lab work done. I have put it off because I am afraid the blood work will show I have some fatal illness and I just do not want to even know, but I have had this lab slip in my purse for over 3 months and I need to get it done. I have an appt with the psychiatrist on Thursday so, maybe I will have my husband take me to the bank on Thursday instead and we can go to the dr appt all at the same time while we are out so I do not have to make 2 trips out. Maybe if I am feeling well enough we can make a special quick trip into sprouts so I can buy some fresh fruit.
One last thing, I need to buy a few gifts online for a few online gift exchanges I am doing. I need to have them ready to mail out by the end of the month. This will be an easy task for me since I am a super duper expert at shopping and spending money online.
Ok, well this is what I plan to get done this week, of course I have lots more that NEEDS to get done like listing probably over 100 items on ebay, and plenty of other stuff..but for now I will stick with an easy list that will be realistic.

New meds start tommorow

Well, I had my phone conversation with the psych dr. I see him thursday but wanted to start the new meds sooner. He called in a script for zoloft and I have instructions on how to wean from my higher dose of lexapro onto the zoloft. It seems like it is going to be a 4 week ordeal of switching fully from one, onto the other. I asked him about stopping the wellbutrin but he wants to change as little as possible at a time. So, that also means I will not be able to restart the lyrica or change my pain meds for awhile either. I understand that it is best not to change to much at one time.
I am worried about starting the new med.
My husband is off most of this week and weekend and I have posted a search for a mommy's helper for a few days a week for the next month. I just am trying to prepare for the side effects of weaning off an old med and starting on a new one. I am hoping to be just fine but will feel better if I have some plans.
I wish I had an extended family or a circle of friends. I wish I had neighbors that were my friends.
It is hard to feel like I really do not have people that I can depend on if I ever need some help...
When I feel better that is something I need to work on. I have some plans for things I want to do
I have signed up for some different online moms groups for my area, I know I can not be active in them now but I can at least talk online to the gals and get to know them. I know I also want to take some yoga classes and maybe a dance class. I have lots of things I want to do...I just need my mind to free me up to do them.
It is hard to explain how all consuming it is to be in a panic all the time. I spend so much time and energy with anxiety that I have little left for other things.
I did have a good day today so that was a bonus. It left me feeling positive about the med change. I read back over my blog and see that in the beginning I sounded stronger, more determined to get better. My recent posts have sounded like I am defeated. I think I have felt more and more pessimistic about getting better as time goes on and I am not any better.
My psych dr did tell me though that the longer I can stay symptom free, the lower my chances are for a relapse. So, I guess the means if this zoloft works, the more good days I have, the less chance I have of having a bad day.
I always hate new medications. I am scared I will have an allergic reaction and die. I plan to take the first dose tomorrow along with a generous serving of xanax...

Sunday, March 18, 2007

The end of another week

Sunday again....
Tomorrow I will call the psych dr. I have an appt with him Thursday but I want to see if I can start a new med even before I see him.
I take an above normal dose of lexapro and ever since I started taking it I just have not generally felt well. I continued to take it because it did settle most of the anxiety. Slowly though it has not been working and I am tired of not be totally well. I know there must be something that will get me better, closer to normal then what this med is doing. I also take wellbutrin but that does not seem to do much either other then help a bit with the side effects of the high dose of lexapro.
I have tried quite a few drugs, the one I will start on this week will be zoloft. I have heard promising things about zoloft working well for anxiety and panic disorders.
I do worry about the changing from one med to another. In the past the changing from one to another has been very rough on me physically and mentally. I am trying to set up for a mommy's helper to come in the few days a week that my husband works. I am hoping that this will be easy and that the med will start working fast and not have many side effects.
Maybe this will be the medication that will help me the most and give me at least part of my life back.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Who am I?

I have thought about this a lot recently. The answer is not an easy one. I really do not know who I am anymore. I feel like the years of mental illness has robbed my identity. I am no longer the person I thought I was. Maybe I am not really anybody at all. I look in the mirror but that is not me. I do not see the person that I used to see looking back. How can 3 years of mental illness rob me of who I am? I do not smile the same, my eyes are not bright like they used to be. I look tired all the time. I smile at my reflection in the mirror but it looks fake, almost like I can look deeper and know that I am not truly happy.
The world that was once so big for me, has become small. I do not participate in any life outside of my home. I want to go out, I want to be an active participant in life and not just watching on as life passes me by. My mind just will not let me. I am a prisoner of mental illness. An unwilling participant of an invisible disease that has stolen my bright future from me.
I have had good months when the medication has worked, but it has always been just a small window of wellness. Just enough to tease and tempt me. Enough to let me start believing that maybe there is an end to this mental nightmare. As soon as the hope has built and my heart begins to feel excitement again, it is snatched away from me.
I have tried to be upbeat and positive about this journey, but I feel weak right now. I feel hopeless and helpless to what is happening to me. I know this is just a low place right now. A place that I do not like. A dark place that I have been before but not a place I like to stay. It is a place of dark thoughts and many tears. A place that is lower then I could have even imagined feeling.
I know it is not all real, it is a figment of medications that are not working properly. Of chemicals and hormones that are out of sync with each other
I know that I will start a new medication and have new hope again. I will look for each day for the bad feelings to subside and for the good days to become more frequent. I just hope that I am not let down again.
I hope that in a few weeks when a new medication has saturated my brain that I will be able to better answer the question of who I am.