Wednesday, April 30, 2008

High school confidental

I have watched this show this past season and it got me thinking about how things could have been so different if I had a different high school experience. If I could go back in time there are quite a few things I would do differently. The first thing I wish I had known in high school is that it was not important to have to have a boyfriend. I started out high school so excited about what was to come. I was in band and so had a large group of friends. My first semester was so fun. I played in the marching band at all the football games, we did lots of parades. I was invited to go to parties and to movies and always did something fun on the weekend like miniature golf, skating, ice skating, or just out for ice cream. By my second semester I was starting to focus on boyfriends. By march I had a serious boyfriend. I did not realize it then but that was a downfall. I started withdrawing from my group of friends. I could not concentrate on my schooling because I was always concerned about boy stuff...I was an emotional mess, worried about if my boyfriend was going to break up with me, or if I was going to see him that day or why had he not called the night before etc. I stopped doing fun stuff with my girl friends. I started being that needy girl who could not make up my own mind. The summer between 10th and 11th grade I spent almost every day with my boyfriend. I was totally isolated from my friends and the things that I used to do. It was not totally bad because my boyfriend was a great guy. He was older then me so he had just graduated. Of course I could not imagine going to 11th grade and not having my boyfriend there. It was a really hard time to start 11th grade after spending most of the summer with my boyfriend. When school started and he did not go to the same school with me anymore I was rather lost. I had fallen into the thought that I needed a boyfriend to complete me.
I ended up breaking up with him and within days had another boyfriend....this new boyfriend was not a good guy at all. He treated me badly and made me feel like I deserved it. I lost all self confidence in myself. I had no self esteem. I was failing out of my classes, I ditched at least one day a week.
I think if I could change one thing about high school it would be that I realized that there would be plenty of time for boyfriends and that I should focus on other things as well as make sure to maintain friendships with my girl friends.
I have more to write on this topic but it is midnight so I will have to finish tomorrow...

Thursday, April 10, 2008


Why do I purposely do things that cause me anxiety? Well, maybe it is not totally on purpose, it just kind of happens that way.
Before I started having all my health problems I worked in the medical field. I was a respiratory therapist and then went on to get a degree in nursing. Anything that had to do with medicine, illnesses etc totally fascinated me. About a year before I stopped working I was seriously looking into finally fulfilling a dream of mine. I had always wanted to work at st judes childrens research hospital in Tennessee. I had found out that they had an internship of sorts that was over the summer. They covered room and board as well as a small stipend. It would be a great opportunity to see what goes on in research and to see the hospital and decide if it was something for me to pursue or not.
Once I started with my panic stuff, anything related to an illness would cause panic.
For some reason though I still find myself drawn towards reading stories of peoples illnesses. I guess the part of me that used to be interested in that sort of stuff still remains...even though the rest of me just can not deal with hearing about that sort of stuff.
I was browsing the internet earlier and of course I come across a site that has peoples stories of their illnesses. Sort of like an online journal that they can keep of their hospital stay so friends and family can be updated. I started reading. It was interesting to hear some of the new ways they are treating certain diseases. At first it was ok for me...then my heart started beating faster. I kept reading because it was interesting and I kept telling myself that the illnesses I was reading about were not anything that I had to worry about. But, then of course I start wondering if maybe I have the disease. The one story, the lady had cancer. She was having pains in her ribs. Well, my ribs have hurt for months. She also was tired all the time and I have been tired for a long time also. I started going down the list of symptoms she had and I started thinking that wow I have some of those also. That is when I started to panic and started to imagine some of the symptoms. Now I start checking myself for other symptoms. Feeling my breasts and any other place I can for lumps. Feeling all my lymph nodes. Listening to my heart and lungs. Checking my pupils etc..just checking myself to see if I have any other symptom all the while praying that no other symptoms will show up. I look in the mirror and start imagining myself with a feeding tube or an ET tube. Or what I would look like laying in the hospital bed. My one big fear of a terminal illness is that I am so scared to suffer. I am afraid that I will be short of breath and feel like I am choking. By this time I am in a full fledged anxiety attack. The kids are asking me something and I scream at them to just leave me alone that I am busy. Of course I did not tell them that mama was busy freaking out over a disease that somebody else has...I finally do get myself settled down. Convinced myself that I probably do not have this disease and decide that I will have the dr write me up a form to go get a bunch of lab work done this week so I can be reassured that I am ok.
I really need to not look at these sorts of medical sites. I need to stick to the forums and other peoples online drama posts lol and not read anything that sets me off. Realistically I know that everybody dies and that I will die one day also but I just get nothing good out of focusing on it and worrying about it. Every time I cause myself to get worked up like this it is just a step back and it makes me feel very anxious for days and makes me super aware of any little thing that may be a sign that something is wrong with me.
I see the psych dr on the 15th and I really need to set up some appts to see the therapist as well. I need to talk to somebody about all the anger and stuff that I have towards my parents and other things in my life but I also need to learn some cognitive behavior therapy to help deal with some of my anxiety. I have been trying to meditate and relax when I feel anxiety coming on and it does seem to help some but I do know there are other techniques that are supposed to help some.
The good news is, I have not had to use the xanax nearly as much this month as I have been. I have gone days at a time without needing to take one at all.
I need to head to bed now and just think about crafts or sewing and nice things lol.
I do have some sewing projects that I completed that I plan to add to my blog tomorrow. I also am going to make some peach cobbler tomorrow with Sterling. We were going to do it today but it just did not happen. I also have everything set out to make soap playdough using melt and pour glycerin soap, liquid glycerin, scent and color. I think it will be lots of fun. We have bubble gum fragrance oil to use. I plan to take pictures and maybe add a tutorial for the soap dough. I have a tutorial for wax tarts to add also and a few other thing. So many things I want to do...not nearly enough energy and motivation to do them.