Friday, February 29, 2008

Dealing with panic today

I have been doing well with my panic. I have not had a full blown panic attack in quite a few months. I have had times when I was anxious but it never got to the point of a panic attack. Well, today for some reason I started having a panic attack. I was getting ready to put my lunch in the microwave and all of a sudden I started feeling dizzy and short of breath. I had thought is was my blood sugar since I had not eaten yet so i grabbed an orange soda and took a few sips of that...blech, that was way to sweet. I laid down on the couch and tried to stay as calm as I could. I knew that fighting it would just make it worse. I took a full xanax and just waited for it to kick in. Of course I could not help thinking that maybe this was the start of my medicines stopping working or that I was going back to how I was before when I was suffering from daily panic attacks and did not even want to live anymore. Luckily I calmed down quickly and after letting the xanax do its thing I was feeling back to normal.
Now I will admit I am still a bit worried that it will happen again. If I make it through a few days without it happening again I think I will be back on track...please please do not let me get back to how I was before when I had this happen to me all day long. I really do not think I can handle that again.

Thursday, February 28, 2008


Another day of pain. I have been in pain for about 5 years but this is above and beyond my usual pain. I could not even sleep last night because the pain in my shoulder/arm was unbearable.
The only positive fact is that since the pain is on my right side I at least am not panicking that it is my heart..
I can not pinpoint the exact point of pain. It feels like somebody is pulling one one side of my muscle and somebody else is pulling on the other side and just pulling and pulling. Very hard to explain but that is what it feels like. Almost like when you are carrying something that is way heavy and your arms are killing you but you can not put the object down. That is what it feels like all day long. This has lasted for almost a week and it is terrible.
I can get in to see the dr next week. I am not sure what he can do. Maybe give me a stronger muscle relaxer. Maybe that is what I need. I just can not stand this to last much longer.
I do hope that it starts feeling better soon. This pain is doing nothing good for my depression or anxiety. I am anxious thinking that something is wrong. What would make my arm hurt this bad. And depressed because I feel like I can not do anything. I just do not feel like doing anything. The only thing that makes my arm feel even a bit better is to lay down with a heating pack underneath my shoulder. But how can I spend the entire day laying down?
Of course it does not help that my parents who live next door can not think about much more then themselves. They both have their health problems, I know this. But, just because I do not talk about my problems all the time that does not mean that I do not suffer as well. I try not to complain to them at all but then they start asking me to do tons of stuff for them and then they act surprised when I tell them that I am hurting too much to do the stuff for them...I guess maybe I need to be more vocal about complaining so my parents get the hint...
Nothing like being asked to go next door to pour my mom a glass of 7-up.....oh sure, I will just hop right over and take care of that. NOT
Maybe their perfect child, my brother can come for a visit and help them out some..

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Would it matter?

I guess today I am just feeling sorry for myself. I am in tons of pain and even with my pain meds it is not helping too much. The pain is the worst on my right shoulder/upper arm, shoulder blade area which makes it very hard for me to be on the computer. My computer is my main source of friendship and entertainment and not being able to be online as much as I need to be is very frustrating. I am sitting now on the couch with my arm on a pillow and a heat pack on my shoulder while I am trying to type this on my laptop.
I sometimes wonder if something happened to me, would I be missed. Would people even realize I was not around anymore? When I worked I knew that I would be missed if I was gone and that I would have people who would come to my funeral etc. Now, I just wonder if it would make a difference at all. Would anybody miss me??? would anybody come to my funeral? Would I just be forgotten as if I never existed in the first place?
I know I want my life to have meaning and purpose. I just am not sure how to do this. I try to be kind and generous. I try to watch my words and not say or do things that could hurt somebody. I try to help others anytime that I can. But, it still just does not seem like enough. I think that is what I want to try to figure out in the next few weeks..what do I want to do with the rest of my life. Sort of like what do I want to be when I grow up lol..I am 37 now and figure if lucky I could live another 50 I want to make sure that I make my life meaningful. I am young enough now that I can still do something with my life to make a difference. I do not want to wake up one day when I am 65 or 70 years old and realize that I have let all these years go by and that I did not do anything with my life.
I am realistic though. I realize that with my anxiety and panic issues that I can not plan to do things outside of my home. If I end up being able to go out and do stuff that is a bonus but I can do plenty from home. I have made hats and other items to donate and made quite a few last year but I just do not feel like that is enough. I guess I will be spending some time in the next few weeks thinking about what kinds of things I can do that will make me feel like I am doing something meaningful.
I feel like this post is just a bunch of probably is. I am in too much pain and feeling too sorry for myself to worry about this making sense.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

ohh the pain

I am in so much freaking pain today. I feel like I can hardly move. My shoulder is spasming and I can not stand it. I am alone with the kids today so have to at least be able to function some. I took my pain pills and am waiting and hoping that they will kick in some because this is just awful.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Testing myself

I think I am doing better with my new meds. I start hoping that I will be normal again sometime. Today was a good day and I was feeling confident that I was doing better. Well....of course I had to test myself. I failed the test. What I did was watch a show called beach patrol and sure enough every time something bad happened on the show I would start getting that panicky feeling.
I used to love the adrenaline rush of emergencies. I worked in the hospital and could not imagine doing anything else. One of my favorite places was the emergency room. I never thought that anything like that would bother me. But, I guess my mind has failed me.
While watching the show tonight I would start feeling panic when it showed people being injured and stuff like that. Then a part came where a guy was body surfing and he got flipped over on a wave. He could not feel anything from his nipple line down. I am guessing it was a neck injury. Of course that really set off my panic. The last rescue of the show was a young man who went down in the water and they could not find him. They pulled him out an hour later and started working on him. Before I started with this mental illness I would have focused on the code and the meds they were giving and the monitor and would think in my mind how I would have run the code if I was there. But...nope...not anymore. Now all I feel is panic. Fear.
The show has been over for about 20 minutes now and I still feel panicky. I am trying to think calm thoughts but I just keep feeling my heart race and my mind starting to think about death and dying.
So, I guess I failed the test of being able to watch the shows that I used to love...

Well, that is a kick in the pants...

Maybe this should not bother me, but it does. I know I should be the bigger person and just let it go but this just seems so wrong.
My parents are having to watch their money a bit right now due to them trying to sell some extra properties they have and having their money tied up with that. My mom told me a few months ago that they did not have any money and could not buy my kids any birthday or Christmas gifts. Of course I told her that was fine. We are not the type to be hung up on getting gifts, especially from her since none of them have any meaning. She just grabs the quickest thing she can and calls it a gift. Well, we still gave her and my dad gifts because we do not think that we have to get gifts in order to give gifts. J and C both had birthdays in december and they got nothing from my parents...not even a card, a phone call...a small token of a gift..nothing. Christmas came and again the kids and I got nothing. Not even a card or anything to show that they cared. We gave them gifts which seemed again like they were not appreciated. My parents live next door and so could have even offered to color with the kids or do something with them and my kids would have appreciated that. But, effort of any sort from my parents to show my kids that they care.
We did not think much of it because that is how my parents have always been. We do all sorts of stuff for them. Cook for them at times, shop for them, take out their trash, give them rides etc...and they do nothing in return to even pretend like they care.
Well...a few days ago my mom called and asked me if I would ship a package for her. She wanted me to print up postage at home ( and of course pay for it) and ship this package. I said ok. R. went to get the package from my mom yesterday. When I saw the package I was SHOCKED, IRRITATED and rather UPSET. The package was to my 2 nieces in California. My nieces from my brother who probably does not want the gifts from my mom because she sends stuff that is clutter or stuff they dont want or need... It was a box from my mom to my nieces with late Christmas gifts in it and early Bday mom can not get anything for my kids when we live next door and appreciate everything we get but she can get stuff for my brothers kids. My parents are more or less my kids only extended family( yes it sucks....). My kids would have even been fine with a coloring book and crayons, or a small stuffed animal, a book, something used etc. I am sure she made sure to get something special for her other grandkids and I am sure it cost more then what a small book or .97 cent hotwheels car would have cost. This is not the first time she has done stuff like this, she has sent boxes of clothing and stuff to them numerous times. A few years ago she went to Kohls and picked out these princess pj's for her other grandkids and she went on and on about them and how much thought and effort she put into buying them. Well for my kids that year she told me to get online and find something around 20 dollars and send her a link for it so all she would have to do is click on it and buy it. AND...the final nail in the coffin is that I get to pay to ship this to them...
Yes I am angry and bitter. I am trying to get past it since it really should not surprise me one bit. But yes, it does hurt me that my kids are not worthy enough for my parents to even try to pretend to care.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

2:30 AM

GRRR..another night that I can not sleep. It is 2:30 am. I am tired but I just can not sleep. I tried for awhile but just laid there waiting and waiting for sleep lol.
I like staying up all night but then I am so tired the next day. I had wanted to get some good sleep tonight so my friend could come over tomorrow and we could hang out.
Maybe I will go have the perfect bedtime snack...a xanax, oxycodone and a few graham crackers lol..maybe that will do the trick...sometimes I can not sleep because I am too anxious. I lay there trying to fall asleep but my mind just keeps going. It is hard to sleep when my mind is thinking about a million terrible things that could happen to me. Other times I can not sleep because I am in pain. There is just no possible way for me to get comfortable. Lately my neck and shoulders have been hurting so much that I can not lay on either side. My hips also hurt and if I lay in the same position for more then a little bit my entire body starts hurting. It is hard to fall asleep when everything hurts.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

What if.....

What if?...seems to be a question that keeps me from doing things. No matter what comes up I always question, what if...
Maybe instead of asking what if I need to change my thoughts. There will always be what ifs.
If I want to go somewhere I wonder what if my car breaks, what if we get in a wreck, what if the roof of the store falls in, what if the store is robbed...the list goes on and on and it gets me nowhere.
I try to put these thoughts out of my mind but then something comes along and starts the thoughts all over again. I try to block out things like the news, the newspaper, scary tv shows etc but somehow my mind still finds things to worry about.
I also seem to have really odd dreams. They seem so real. I know that some of the medications I take can make people have weird dreams. I have always had dreams but never ones that were just so real and seem to have the same sort of theme over and over. Recently the dreams have been about me having to go back to work. In my dreams I lose my disability checks and have to go back to work. I go back to work in a hospital. Sometimes in my dreams it is a hospital in this time and other times it is one back years and years ago. All sorts of things go wrong for me in my dreams. I either can not find the patients that I am taking care of or I forget to give them their medications. I will all of a sudden realize it is the end of my shift and I have not taken care of anybody. I walk to another hallway and then can not find my way back to the floor I was working on. When I get ready to leave I can not find my car and then when I try to call home I keep hitting the wrong numbers on the phone and get not get through to anybody.
Lots of other really odd things happen to me when I am dreaming that I am working.
I wake up and am really freaked out. I look at the clock and then try to think and try to make sure that it really was a dream and that I really did not have to go to work. Sometimes I wake up my husband and make sure that things are ok.
I have other weird dreams also. One dream was that my car had no brakes and I had to just keep driving and driving and trying to avoid hitting things and wrecking. It was really scary and again I woke up freaked out and started worrying that what if that really did happen..
I also have dreams that seem so real and freaky and when I wake up I remember the dream but then it seems that in a matter of a day or so I forget the details of it. I have thought about writing down my dreams but then figured that maybe I just am not meant to remember them...maybe it would be more upsetting if I remembered exactly what happened in my dream. I would probably obsess over it and that would not be good.
I sure wish I could go back to the days that my dreams were about fun lighthearted things lol.