Monday, December 11, 2006

Living today

This sort of relates to my previous post of living in the present. I am living each day. It is hard to now think about tommorow. Hard to not worry what tommorow may be like or if my medications stop working tommorow of if I am sick tommorow. But, that only makes me miss out on today. I have more good days recently but do not enjoy them because I am to busy anticipating the next day.
Today is a good day. I am awake, I feel well. I have a dr appt with the psych dr today and will discuss with him a few side effects of the lexapro and am sure he will discuss my dosing of the wellbutrin which is supposed to help with the lexapro side effects.
The weather is nice out. My husband is working and the 2 oldest kids are at school and work. We got the tree up last night and put the lights on. TOnight we will do the decorations. I do not need to worry about tommorow right now. I have enough stuff to do for the day and better things to focus on for right now.
I am trying to just keep asking myself how I am feeling *RIGHGT NOW* For right now I am fine. My breathing is fine. My globus is not acting up. I will be going out later for my dr appt so will get dressed and put makeup on.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Enjoying the present because it is a present

I am learning that looking forward or looking backwards only causes anxiety and depression. Depression over the things I have missed out on and how my life has changed, and anxiety from looking towards the future and not knowing what each day will be like. I can not change yesterday and I am not promised tommorow so I need to just be happy for each today. I have been trying to just tell myself * I feel good today, today is a good day, do not think about any other days* It seems to help to think of it that way. I can worry about each day as it comes and fight each battle as it happens.
My friend D has not come by this week, I had an appt and she had some stuff to do as well. I enjoy my time with her and often think about what lesson I have learned all week long. Even if the study we do does not hit me right away, later on it comes to me how it pertains to me and how it can help me. I still look back over the purpose driven life study we did and find something new in it each time. I am thankful for her spending her time helping me out and hope someday to repay the gift by doing the same for somebody else.
I think we are going to put our christmas tree up tonight. The boys sound excited over it and I am wanting to make the holiday special.
I am trying to fix the relationship between my mom and I though I know she will never change and I can not deal with quite a bit of what she does. She is my mom and will always be and so I do want things to at least be happy between us. I often think that her and I have a lot of the same suffering we go through with mental and physical problems. We just deal with them much differently and I so do not want to be like her....

Saturday, December 09, 2006

My dog sassy

I got a new dog a few months ago. She has brought joy and sunshine to my life. My moods are better. I feel like waking up in the morning so I can give her a treat. She loves me so much that I can not help but love myself a bit more because of her. I always wanted another child, another daughter but due to my health I can not have anymore. Sasssy is like the daughter that I was not able to have...
She is constantly by my side and she can feel my moods and knows how to cheer me up or calm me down.
I have heard people say oh she is just a dog...she may be just a dog to some people but to me she is much more. She is my friend, my companian and more. I found this cute little story and it reminded me of how I feel when people say she is just a dog...

Just a Dog

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or"just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. "Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a person." So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog" just smile, because they "just don't understand."