Sunday, July 20, 2008

crappy smoothie

I took a nap for a few hours and woke up feeling a bit less anxious. Still not good but better. I found a television marathon on today of a who I had never heard of before. It is called strip search and it is back from 2005. Basically the guy who formed the mens stripping group called the thunder down under had decided to make up a group similar to them but that included men from the U.S. He went around the country and came up with 15 guys and then the entire 6 or 7 hour marathon of episodes was him getting the group down to 7 members. It was mindless tv but wow were the guys sexy. I have not watched all of it yet but have the last few episodes on dvr to watch later after big brother is over.
So, on to the crappy smoothie. I have not eaten since friday. After I came home from Joanns I started feeling sick to my stomach so did not eat anything that night. Yesterday morning I was still feeling sick but had a few crackers and 1/2 a sprite. Later on in the evening I had 2 push pops and some coke. Today I had some toast earlier and that is about it. When my anxiety is bad I can not eat. I get sick to my stomach and also panic that I will choke. So, Ray decided to get the boys pizza from costco. The pizza did not sound good to me but I got excited over him picking me up a berry parfait from there. Layers of vanilla frozen yogurt with mixed berries in between. He ordered the pizzas on the phone and was told it was a 45 minute wait. The entire time all I could think about was my yummy berry parfait coming. He left about 30 minutes later and 25 minutes more and he was home. WITH OUT MY FREAKING BERRY PARFAIT.....he made a mistake and got my some iced berry smoothie that tastes like crap and is so sweet it gave me the heaves. Can he go back and get me what I wanted???? NOOOO because costco closed 5 minutes after he got home. He told me he knew it was the wrong thing after they handed it to him. WHY OH WHY did he not then order the right thing? I know he probably did not realize how much I wanted this freaking parfait. My stomach is hungry but nothing sounds good except for that. I know it sounds pathetic but I was almost in tears. He has offered now to go to dairy queen to get me something else but it is not the same. I do not want to sound ungrateful because really I am not and normally would not have even said anything. I would just have thanked him for it and quietly tossed it out when he was not looking. I know he did the best he could and I am glad that he tries to take such good care of me. I know in the scheme of things this really is a very little petty thing but darn it I wanted a berry parfait.
He is leaving now to go to Dairy Queen. I can tell he is irritated with me over this. I do not even know what they have at dairy queen so I told him just to get me something with vanilla soft serve ice cream and with strawberries on it. NO NUTS or anything else. I am crossing my fingers that it will be something yummy.

damn damn

Having a freaking rough time today. It started yesterday and I just kind of tried to ignore it.
There is no ignoring it today, I am feeling anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I am so irritated and frustrated. I start feeling better and start thinking about things I want to plan for the future and I start looking forward to stuff I can do with my kids and then BAM....freaking set back.
I have gone for awhile with needing no xanax and now today I am back needing it. I feel let down and scared. Of course Ray has to work tomorrow and Kim will not be home so it will just be the boys and me. That worries me. I have done so well dealing with them and not being anxious to be home with them alone for at least the past 6 months and now this starts. I wish Ray had tomorrow off, that would make my mind more at ease. He has to work the next 2 days so I just need to get through 2 days...Of course it would be awesome and wonderful if I had any sort of family that could help me out. I am hoping this is just a minor set back and that by this evening I will be better.
I just took some xanax and am going to go lay down and maybe this will pass soon.

Friday, July 18, 2008

I think I can, I think I can...(Can I?)

ok, I am going to get out of the house for a bit ( gasp!!)
I have not been out anywhere besides the dr for quite a long time. I have wanted to go to Joanns fabric store for a few years at least. I have only been one time and that was 4 1/2 years ago.
I see people on the sewing forums I go to post such cute stuff they have bought at Joanns. I know I can buy it online and have somebody pick it up for me and mail it to me. That is how I have been buying all my sewing notions, fabric, patterns etc for the past few years. I have been in so much pain this past week so I have not done much sewing or crocheting or much of anything actually. I think the humidity of the monsoon season is just making my pain worse. I usually keep myself from getting bored by sewing and crafting but this past week I have spent reading and watching tv. Today I was laying on the couch and started thinking that my pain was feeling better today and that I wish that I could get out. I decided that there was no reason why I should not get out and I am going to force myself to get out of the house. Ray is home so he is going to drive. If we only get a few miles from the house before I panic then we will just turn around and come home. I am just going to keep telling myself ***I think I can, I think I can*** lol..until I get there. Once I am there it will be ok as long as it is not too crowded. If it is crowded then I will just have Ray run in and buy the natural cream colored flannel that I am in desperate need of to finish sewing some elf dolls from the pipsqueek pattern.
I am telling myself that I do not have to stay long, we can come back home as soon as I want to. I do not have to go anywhere again for awhile. I think that is part of what panics me...I start thinking that if I go out once or twice then my husband and kids etc will think I am cured and then a few days later when I am having a rough time again then they will all be disappointed. So far each time I have forced myself to go out I end up coming home and sort of freak out about what could have happened and then I look back over everything I said and did while I was out and worry that I did or said the wrong thing. Then after a bit I decide that it just was not worth all the stress and trouble and panic that it took to go out.
So, for now I am not worrying about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I am just focusing on going and buying some wonderfully cute fabric....I figure I better stock up now in case it is another 4 1/2 years before I get to Joanns again...
wish me luck

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

A few sewing projects

Here is a cute dress I made using a pattern called *miss molly* it is a cute curved bodice dress with ties at the shoulders. This is the first one I made and had a bit of trouble gathering the fabric. Gathering has got to be the hardest thing for me ever. I know it really is not a hard thing to do but I just never get the gathering evenly. I had not hemmed this yet as I was hoping to figure out somebody to give it to and then hem it to the correct length. It was a fun pattern to sew and I have a few more cut out and ready to sew up. I used Michael Miller fabric for this dress. The pictures did not turn out very good. I think I will take new ones and then get them posted. The dress is much cuter then the pics show

Here are a few of my recent sewing projects.
This is a cute little knit fabric baby shirt and hat. I used the new conceptions baby essential pattern for it and it was a very easy pattern to use. The pattern also includes a pattern for pants, booties and shorts. This will be something I plan to make for any baby gift I need to give.

Friday, July 04, 2008

quick update

I know I have not posted anything recently. There has been quite a few things going on and I just have not had the energy to make a post.
I will write more details in the next few posts.
The short short story dad ended up in the hospital with heart problems. He ended up having a procedure called cardiac ablation. That went fine but he is just dealing with so many problems and is so weak that they sent him to a nursing home. He has been there for about 3 weeks and has had some major setbacks.
I was sick for a few days and started having some signs of a bladder infection..I finally went to urgent care when I noticed blood in my urine. Yep, bad bladder infection.
I went the other day for lab work...12 vials of blood..eek.
I have gotten a good amount of sewing done and have taken photos and will get those on my blog in the next or so.
Kim decided she wanted to get a boob job done. I did not think she would actually go through with it but she did. She had it done a few days ago and is recovering now. She is really sore. It is not what I wanted her to do and if it was up to me she would not have gotten it done BUT she is 20 years old and it is her decision and I will be there to support her no matter what she chooses to do ( well as long as it is legal lol)
Ok, that is the short of it lol...
I am going to challenge myself to a few things this month and will post about that in a bit.