Thursday, September 28, 2006

pay it forward

K and I watched this the other day. I had heard great things about it and so borrowed it from netflix. The movie was awesome, the idea of helping each other was great. The ending totally sucked though and nearly ruined the movie for me. I think there are sooo many other ways it could have ended and still made sense. I think there are so many other ways it could have ended to make it make even more sense.
I was talking to my friend about it and she said that lots of people had told her the ending sucked so she watched the movie and turned it off just as it got to the ending. She says she has no idea how it ended and she really liked the movie.
I want to implement my own form of pay it forward but I do not rely on others to follow through. I have quite a few skills that I can put to use to help others out and never have to leave my home.
In the bible study that I am doing, the purpse driven life, this weeks lesson was about helping others so it tied into the movie well. The main idea is that I need to give with a happy heart and for no reasons other then to give.I can not give to make people like me, I can not give to gain anything and I can not give and then complain about it. The giving needs to come from my heart. The bible study pointed out in the bible where it says that only the services done with a happy heart will count.
I think that people who give stuff or help others only so they can boast about it, should not even bother doing the good deed in the first place. I have had people help me before and nothing is lower then helping somebody else and then throwing it in thier face everytime you get a chance. I have a few people in my family like that. Nothing they ever give is given with kindness and just to is given for their on selfish reasons and with strings attatched. There is a certain family member who still brings up stuff they have done for me over 10 years ago..geez...time to move on huh?
Well, I do realize my limitations, I can not commit to something that I have to leave the house for and I do not have lots of money. BUT, I do have plenty of other things to offer. I want to donate crochet hats to the cancer patients, I want to make some preemie clothes for the 1-2 pound babies in the nicu, I want to make memorial and burial gowns for the babies that were stillborn, I want to make and donate mama slings and newbown blankets etc..there is so much more I want to do but I need to start slow and aim big. And I do know that I am giving for the right reasons and with a happy heart.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Fall is coming

I hope fall will be here soon. I know it will be on the calender but I am sure we will have at least another month or 2 of awful hot weather.
I went to the psych dr the other day and he asked me if I wanted to try a different med since this one is helping but not helping 100%. I decided to stay with what I am on. I am better, not normal and I do not think I ever will be normal. I do not want to risk trying something else and then having it not help as much as this. If this med stops working, like the lower dose did, then I will have to try something else.
I asked the psych dr if I will ever just not have to worry about anxiety...his answer was that unless we found a magic pill that I would always have to deal with it. His goal is to get me to a point that I mostly have good days and once in awhile have a rough patch.Right now I have bad days and good days, his goal is more like me having good months with a few bad days. I was at that point before, last year before the lexapro stopped working.
I can feel that I have more of my agoraphobia right now. I do not want to go anywhere. I make excuses not to leave the house. I do not want to go to the store or anywhere. I make plans to and then the day comes and I make an excuse to not go. I have gone a few times with my husband but I would rather not. There is no real reason, I just feel like I am safe and comfortable at home.
I watched a few episodes of the show Monk, about a detective with OCD and wow do I relate...I totally is funny to watch the show but it is not funny when it is happening to me.
I also have been a bit more of a hypochondriac. I did well for awhile about not worrying about stuff, illnesses etc but had a few bad weeks where I was sure something was wrong with me.
I am having a good day and hope to be able to go with the family on a drive to phx tommorow to visit J in rehab.

Trying to catch up

I have fallen behind on the blogging. I keep a journal that I write in at home and always plan to transfer to my blog but never quite got to it. I will write some of it here, even though it happened over the past 2 months or so.
JULY...july passed with not much fanfare...My husband changed his schedule so he can be home 4 days a week and just work 3 shifts a week. 12 hour shifts. This helps quite a bit since I feel better when he is home. I still do not feel like the lexapro increased dose has fully kicked in. I feel more agoraphobic then I had been a few months ago. It is ok, it is over 100 degrees out and I really do not need to go out anyways. I feel quite lazy though. Since the doctor stopped my wellbutrin I do not have much motivation for anything. I do not feel as depressed but I do not feel like my anxiety is as well under control as it had been.
K turned 18..I got her a car but she only drove for 3 weeks and then wrecked the car.

August....J is in trouble again. He was found with more weed and he is already on probation. He had 3 drug tests in a row show positive. He had to go to court again on the 17th and was sentenced to one year of probation. We got him a spot in a rehab and he will do 60 days inpatient rehab. Hopefully it will help. He has never tested postivie for anything other then pot, I know that is still bad but I am so glad that it has not progressed to any other drugs.
I am still having some problems with my anxiety. I want to get back to where I was a few months ago. I think it will take awhile longer for the higher dose of lexapro to kick in. I also had my xanax dose raised.