Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Fish on a hook

I have tried to explain agoraphobia before but I really think this video makes a lot of sense.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=211265947557574874
Check out this video, it is only 3 minutes long and well worth watching.
This is very close to how I feel. I want to go out and I want to do things with friends and my kids. I just can't. I know that does not make any sense to most people. I have had people tell me that I just need to get out of the house and I do try. I have every intention to go out but as the time gets closer to me having to leave I start having symptoms of panic and anxiety. I start feeling sick to my stomach and having a hard time catching my breath. My heart starts racing. I become very irritable because I am frustrated and had high hopes that this time would be different and I would be able to go out and not have these symptoms. I finally decide that I can not go out. Slowly I calm back down but after my panic levels are back to normal I trade those feelings for depression and disappointment. I get depressed because of guilt that I am not doing the things with my kids that I feel I should be doing. Of course the more I focus on this, the worse it makes me feel.

I do want to make goals to get out but now with gas prices going up and it being so hot, I almost feel like I can use that as an excuse. But, I know that I need to work at this.
Tomorrow I am making a goal to go to goodwill. It is only about 2 miles from here, maybe less. I want to go there and just make it a goal to go in. Usually, once I make it in to a place I do better. It is the anticipation and planning that is the hard part.
Since the first of the year, besides dr appts, I think I have gone out 2 times. That is just not good. I really need to get out 1 time a week. Even just to go to the library or somewhere. The longer I go without leaving, the harder it gets to leave. Once I start going out on a more regular basis it will become more habit and I will get used to it. Just starting is the hard part. Just imagine if each time you wanted to leave the house you felt sick and could not breath....after awhile you would just stop wanting to go out. No matter how badly you wanted to go out the symptoms of panic would make you decide it was just easier to stay home.

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