Well, it was a few days ago actually. He had the day off and it was a nice day. He slept in and relaxed most of the day. I went to the store and picked up stuff for dinner and for his dessert. I picked up rib eye steaks. They were on sale. We have not had steak for awhile. I do not like cheap steaks and did not want to spend the 9.99 a pound that was what the rib eye steaks normally run. They were 4.77 a pound for a family pack. I ended up buying 6 steaks so we could freeze some for another time. We make 2 steaks for the family and that is plenty. We also had baked potatoes and fresh asparagus. For desert I made a chocolate lava cake with vanilla bean ice cream and hot fudge sauce. Everything turned out really good and Ray liked it all. I ordered him some cigars and also am going to buy him some concert tickets to the Asia and yes concert when the tickets come on sale.
We have a cold going through the house again, luckily we are almost all over it and it was not a bad cold. Nothing like the one I had last month that lasted over 2 weeks and was the worst cold I have had in 20 years.
For some reason I was feeling super sensitive to everything and everything Ray said seemed wrong and made me want to cry. I guess he was busy with the kids and also he did not feel his best so I felt like he was ignoring me or something and that made me feel like he was not paying any attention to me. I am sure it was partly girly hormones going wacky also...I know it bugs the crap out of Ray when I am in a weepy super sensitive mood and he does not understand why I get that way. If he would just make sure to give me extra attention and be extra nice to be when I feel that way it would help me feel better...but he is a typical man and any hint of me having PMS issues has him running for the next room. Poor guy lol.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
RIP dad
My dad passed away a few weeks ago. It did not really hit me right away that he was gone. I mean I knew he was dead but the entire feeling of him now being around anymore took awhile to sink in. His passing was not a bad event, it was not scary and it was not painful. We were able to bring him home and he was home for 3 days before he died. Those 3 days were a gift that I would have never expected. The 3 days of being by his side, having my brother here and just taking care of my dad really helped heal wounds from the past years. I have always felt my dad loved my brother more. I have been sure of it. I felt bitter about it but I liked to think that it did not really matter. But it did. We were blessed that the 3 days he was home he was aware and talking the entire time all the way up to about an hour before he died. He told me he loved me. He told me that I was his pride and joy. He told me how hard and long my mom and him tried to have me and how he even went off his medications because the meds he was on could effect his sperm count and how the dr told him how dangerous it was but he wanted a child so badly that he went ahead. He was already 35 years old before he had me so he had waited years to be a dad. After I was born my mom and dad were sure that they would probably never be able to have another child because it was so hard for them to get pregnant with me. My mom was surprised when 6 months after she had me she was pregnant again and had my brother. My dad said that yes he was glad to have a son but that I was his pride and joy. He told me how he thought that a father and a son should do stuff together and that a mom and daughter should do stuff together and so that is why he did certain things with my brother and it was not that he purposely tried to exclude me from stuff. He was just raised that boys do certain things and girls do certain things. He told me about how proud he was when I was the first girl to play tee ball on the boys team at the park. He remembered about a special jacket he bought for me when I was 4 and I wanted it so badly but my mom would not let me get it. It was a red fuzzy jacket and I remember it. I was very glad that we had those days to spend together. My dad said there is a letter for me that he wrote when I got married the first time back when I was 16. I am not sure where it is and he could not remember if it was in his desk or one of his safe deposit boxes or what but I will find it.
We gave my dad everything he wanted for 3 days. We gave him all the rootbeer he wanted, fresh orange juice, organic apple cider, he even had 1/2 of a dark beer ( he was not a drinker but he enjoyed a dark beer once in awhile ( like once every few years lol). The first night he was home he asked for pizza so we went to the pizza shop and got him a personal pizza. He only had a few bites but he enjoyed it. The first day/night home he did not want us to give him his morphine because he wanted to make sure he was able to tell us everything he wanted to tell us. He had been planning for weeks what he wanted to tell us if he got to this point. We played his special music for him, we put pictures of all his grandkids etc right by him. We told him all the special memories that we had. He had his dog and his cat nearby.
He was home for 3 days and we were surprised that he made it that long. His kidneys did not function much at all...all 3 days he was home he had no urine output at all. His heart was so weak that it was not perfusing blood to his fingers and toes so they were greyish and cold. His heart rate and blood pressure were low but he just kept on talking and wanting us by him.
At times I thought he was tired and wanted to sleep and I asked him if he wanted us to stop talking and leave him alone and he would say no that he wanted us to keep talking and not stop. He wanted to hear our voices he said.
The 2nd night he was more lethargic but he was still aware of what was going on. The 3rd day we kept thinking that he was unconcious and would not wake up again and then he would surprise us and start talking again. For about 8 hours before he died he just kept saying * it is good to be home* and * I am feeling no pain* he just kept saying it over and over. He dozed off for the final time and was peacefully resting and then he took his last breath. I was on one side of him and my brother was on the other. I was holding my dads hand and was weeping a bit. It hit my brother harder and he was leaning over into the bed grabbing/holding onto my dad and was crying rather hysterically. I did not expect that. I let him cry a few minutes and then I walked around to my brother and pulled him away from my dad and hugged him and told him that we did a good job of taking care of my dad, that my dad was happy to have been home and he was now out of pain and that my dad did not want to keep living the way he had been.
He was ok after a few minutes, he just needed to cry for a bit. We called the funeral home and took care of all the other stuff that had to be done. We took off his wedding ring, we cut a lock of his hair, we let the kids see him one last time if they wanted to.
It still is hard at times to realize that my dad is gone. A few days ago was Easter and I was thinking of what to make and I was thinking of making something that I knew my dad liked and then I had to remind myself that he was not going to be around for anymore holidays or birthdays or anything like that.
We have his ashes and we have planned a few places to spread his ashes, places that he loved when he was alive. We did not have a funeral or anything like that because my dad was very very firm that he did not want us to spend any money on that sort of thing. He always said that money was for the living lol...
I know that death is never a good thing but I am just glad that he was not in pain and that he is not suffering anymore
We gave my dad everything he wanted for 3 days. We gave him all the rootbeer he wanted, fresh orange juice, organic apple cider, he even had 1/2 of a dark beer ( he was not a drinker but he enjoyed a dark beer once in awhile ( like once every few years lol). The first night he was home he asked for pizza so we went to the pizza shop and got him a personal pizza. He only had a few bites but he enjoyed it. The first day/night home he did not want us to give him his morphine because he wanted to make sure he was able to tell us everything he wanted to tell us. He had been planning for weeks what he wanted to tell us if he got to this point. We played his special music for him, we put pictures of all his grandkids etc right by him. We told him all the special memories that we had. He had his dog and his cat nearby.
He was home for 3 days and we were surprised that he made it that long. His kidneys did not function much at all...all 3 days he was home he had no urine output at all. His heart was so weak that it was not perfusing blood to his fingers and toes so they were greyish and cold. His heart rate and blood pressure were low but he just kept on talking and wanting us by him.
At times I thought he was tired and wanted to sleep and I asked him if he wanted us to stop talking and leave him alone and he would say no that he wanted us to keep talking and not stop. He wanted to hear our voices he said.
The 2nd night he was more lethargic but he was still aware of what was going on. The 3rd day we kept thinking that he was unconcious and would not wake up again and then he would surprise us and start talking again. For about 8 hours before he died he just kept saying * it is good to be home* and * I am feeling no pain* he just kept saying it over and over. He dozed off for the final time and was peacefully resting and then he took his last breath. I was on one side of him and my brother was on the other. I was holding my dads hand and was weeping a bit. It hit my brother harder and he was leaning over into the bed grabbing/holding onto my dad and was crying rather hysterically. I did not expect that. I let him cry a few minutes and then I walked around to my brother and pulled him away from my dad and hugged him and told him that we did a good job of taking care of my dad, that my dad was happy to have been home and he was now out of pain and that my dad did not want to keep living the way he had been.
He was ok after a few minutes, he just needed to cry for a bit. We called the funeral home and took care of all the other stuff that had to be done. We took off his wedding ring, we cut a lock of his hair, we let the kids see him one last time if they wanted to.
It still is hard at times to realize that my dad is gone. A few days ago was Easter and I was thinking of what to make and I was thinking of making something that I knew my dad liked and then I had to remind myself that he was not going to be around for anymore holidays or birthdays or anything like that.
We have his ashes and we have planned a few places to spread his ashes, places that he loved when he was alive. We did not have a funeral or anything like that because my dad was very very firm that he did not want us to spend any money on that sort of thing. He always said that money was for the living lol...
I know that death is never a good thing but I am just glad that he was not in pain and that he is not suffering anymore
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
my dad is dying
My dad is dying. Wow, that is hard just to write. His kidneys have shut down, he is swelling up, he is in and out of consciousness. His one wish is that he does not want to die in the hospital. HE wants to be home and we are working very very hard for that to happen. He has been placed on hospice care and he seems to be at peace with it. He is pretty comfortable today with the morphine he is getting. He wants to come home and drink apple cider and be with his family. We are hoping to have everything ready so he can be transported home on friday. We need a hospital bed, oxygen, hospice nursing care etc all set up. I hope he makes it until friday so he can at least know that he is home. The dr thinks that once my dad is home that he will not live much longer then a few days. Then again my dad is a tough old bird and may just surprise everybody...but I do not think so. I think this is the way the story of my dads life will end. It is sad yet he has suffered and struggled enough. He is tired. He has great faith and he knows that dying is not the end, just the end of this life. Today when I visited him he does not look like the man he used to be at all. His blood pressure stayed around 80/50 and he just had a bad color and did not look like my dad at all.
He still knows what is going on when he is awake. This morning when Sterling was on the couch near me he asked me to teach him some toungue twisters. We went over some and Sterling really loved doing them. My dad used to LOVE tongue twisters. He would go around saying them over and over and also make up his own and add words to ones already written. When I saw my dad today I told him that Sterling was learning some tongue twisters and my dad got a HUGE smile and just shook his head yes...he knows what is going on around him but his body just is giving out.
He wants to come home and drink all the juice he wants to have and he just wants to make sure he will get morphine at home to help his pain.
I hope he makes it home to enjoy at least a few days
He still knows what is going on when he is awake. This morning when Sterling was on the couch near me he asked me to teach him some toungue twisters. We went over some and Sterling really loved doing them. My dad used to LOVE tongue twisters. He would go around saying them over and over and also make up his own and add words to ones already written. When I saw my dad today I told him that Sterling was learning some tongue twisters and my dad got a HUGE smile and just shook his head yes...he knows what is going on around him but his body just is giving out.
He wants to come home and drink all the juice he wants to have and he just wants to make sure he will get morphine at home to help his pain.
I hope he makes it home to enjoy at least a few days
so much to post...yet not enough time
I do not know why I have neglected blogging. I feel the need to blog, to write down my feelings and thoughts. It is important to me. I have always kept a journal and I feel bummed that I have not kept up. I had a few thoughts that maybe I should start a different blog that started from the present time and did not mention all my mental and physical problems so I started a blog and posted 2 or 3 times but I felt like I was being fake and only writing for other people who may be reading and not writing my true feelings and what I feel I need to say. I keep a blog for myself and I love others to read it but the main point is so I can make sense of my thoughts and also look back and see how things have changed for the better or worse.
I really want to write everyday. Even if I do not have much to write. I often think I do not have much to write and then when I sit down I end up writing a billion pages. I am going to try to commit to posting at least one entry a day even if it is only a few sentences or a picture.
I really want to write everyday. Even if I do not have much to write. I often think I do not have much to write and then when I sit down I end up writing a billion pages. I am going to try to commit to posting at least one entry a day even if it is only a few sentences or a picture.
Monday, January 12, 2009
my dad...
My dad is in a nursing home again. I am wondering if he will ever come home again. I have conflicted feelings about it. He was not a very good dad and I never felt that feeling about my dad that many girls have felt about their dad. When other people talking about how sad they are that their dad passed away etc it has made me jealous that I do not feel the same way about my dad. Yes it will be sad when he dies, just like it would be sad when anybody dies but I will not feel that great loss of my dad. Or maybe I will...I guess it may not hit me until he dies. He is not doing good at all. I went to see him last week for a few minutes and he does not look like the same man. He has lost tons of weight. I think he has lost probably almost 50 pounds. He has been unable to eat for almost 10 days now. He thinks it is from one of his medications. I think it could be possibly from a mass or something because he says that he can not eat because after one bite he feels stuffed and bloated. My dad has always had an appetite so something major is wrong. He is waiting to get his bone marrow biopsy/results but no more has been said about it. He has not even been able to eat his snickers bars that we brought him. He has been able to drink some stuff but not much. Yesterday they switched his diet to soft foods and he was finally able to eat some mashed potatoes. He was going to try some scrambled eggs and cream of wheat this morning but I am not sure if he ended up eating it or not.
It seems so unfair that this is what ends up to everybody who lives to be old. Where is the fairness in having to live out your last years in such a manner. Unable to eat, walk, use the bathroom etc. Almost seems like a punishment for living too long.
My dad hopes that he can get strong enough to come home but I think his expectations are set way too high. He does not want to come home until he can walk on how own. He is in a wheelchair now and it seems like he gets weaker everyday. I think he is in denial about his condition and that he thinks that he will get better and be back to his old self. I do not know which is better...to be in denial about his condition or to fully understand his condition. I guess for now denial is fine, it is not hurting anything and if that is what he needs to believe so he can get through each day then that is what he will do and I will not tell him differently. I just go along with what he says when he says he is going to be better next week, or the next week, or the next etc..
On a cuter note..Sterling says that when I am old and sick he will keep me home and take care of me. He said that a nursing home did not seem that nice and that if I was in one he would have to stay there all the time with me and he would not want to do that so he would just have to keep me home lol..I thought that was very sweet of him.
It seems so unfair that this is what ends up to everybody who lives to be old. Where is the fairness in having to live out your last years in such a manner. Unable to eat, walk, use the bathroom etc. Almost seems like a punishment for living too long.
My dad hopes that he can get strong enough to come home but I think his expectations are set way too high. He does not want to come home until he can walk on how own. He is in a wheelchair now and it seems like he gets weaker everyday. I think he is in denial about his condition and that he thinks that he will get better and be back to his old self. I do not know which is better...to be in denial about his condition or to fully understand his condition. I guess for now denial is fine, it is not hurting anything and if that is what he needs to believe so he can get through each day then that is what he will do and I will not tell him differently. I just go along with what he says when he says he is going to be better next week, or the next week, or the next etc..
On a cuter note..Sterling says that when I am old and sick he will keep me home and take care of me. He said that a nursing home did not seem that nice and that if I was in one he would have to stay there all the time with me and he would not want to do that so he would just have to keep me home lol..I thought that was very sweet of him.
Friday, January 09, 2009
Doll clothes
I know it has been awhile and I need to write an update and to make sure to write on a more regular basis. The holidays were not as bad as I had thought they would be and it was not very stressful either. My dad is back in a nursing home and he is not doing good at all...I really do not think he is going to ever come back home. I will write an update post later and I really plan to write daily because it helps me to keep a journal of each day.
My nieces came to visit a few weeks ago. They each had American girl dolls and they were wanting some clothing for the dolls. I made some crochet hats, scarves and ponchos for the dolls but forgot to take pics. I also made a quilt and pillow for Briannas doll but did not get a chance to make one for Aly yet. I also made a night gown and a 2 piece outfit. They are both peasant style so they were pretty fast and easy to sew up. I have some more cut out and have some other items like hair ties etc that I want to get sewn. Here is 2 of the items. The dress/nightgown did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it still is nice.
My nieces came to visit a few weeks ago. They each had American girl dolls and they were wanting some clothing for the dolls. I made some crochet hats, scarves and ponchos for the dolls but forgot to take pics. I also made a quilt and pillow for Briannas doll but did not get a chance to make one for Aly yet. I also made a night gown and a 2 piece outfit. They are both peasant style so they were pretty fast and easy to sew up. I have some more cut out and have some other items like hair ties etc that I want to get sewn. Here is 2 of the items. The dress/nightgown did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it still is nice.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Late but great
I had not seen my cousin Nicole for awhile. We were both busy with various things and she has been working night shift the past few weeks. We have not gotten together since a bit before my bday in october so she had my gift until she saw me thursday for Thanksgiving. She brought it to me then and everything is awesome. She knows just what I wanted. I got a LUSH brand bubble bar, bath fizz, and massage bar and also a book light that I had been wanting for a long time. She also put in my favorite candy...3 boxes of buttermints and one tin of rose candy. It was a great gift and I am planning to use part of the bubble bar in a bit.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Sewed a messenger bag
I sewed this but it did not turn out the way I hoped. It is too small and to stiff. I used fusible fleece for interfacing and used it on both the outer part and the interior lining. I think just one layer would have been fine. I love the way the pockets look on the outside and I will for sure make this pattern again with a few adjustments to make it more the size I want it to be.
I love this fabric and it is my favorite color combos....chocolate brown and pink. It actually is cheap fabric from walmart. 2.44 a yard. Kim picked me up about 15 yards of this print and its various coordinating fabrics. She owed me some money for a few slings I sewed for her friends recently so I had her pick up the fabric instead.
Friday, November 14, 2008
I am behind
Wow, it seems like I keep meaning to update my blog and add new posts and then I get busy and side tracked and do not get to it. Each day that goes by I have more planned to add to my blog and then within a few weeks time I have so much to add that I do not know where to start and I will never catch up.
My end of year resolution is to write at least something in my blog everyday.
A brief catch up....
I have been doing really well with my anxiety and depression the past month or so. I did have a few days last week that I felt a bit on edge and anxious with that globus feeling in my throat but that has gone away. Over the past 2 weeks I went out once with my husband and kids to a chinese buffet for lunch. I am not a huge fan of the buffet but that is what the kids wanted to eat. It was really very good. I did fine with my anxiety though at the end I did start feeling hot and like the room was too crowded even though there was not that many people in there. After that I had to go to the DMV to get my new picture of my drivers license. I guess every 12 years you have to get a new photo. I must have gone at a good time because I was in and out in about 15 minutes max. Of course I hate my new photo and am disgusted with how much my weight is and that I had to update that on my drivers license as well. Last Sunday I met Heather and her daughter Morgan at goodwill. Ray was shocked because I called heather and her husband said she had left for goodwill so I told Ray I am going to meet her at goodwill, he was surprised that I made up my mind to go and actually was getting out of the house. I spent probably over an hour there. I got quite a bit of stuff for 60 dollars. Ray needed some new short sleeve button down shirts so I got him 8 of those, 2 shirts for curtis, a bathrobe for me, a huge box of knex set that builds a roller coaster ( 6.99 for this). 2 cami tops, 1 bra and a cute shirt for me there are probably a few other things I bought but can not remember. I just know that I would have spent that much on just 2 or 3 of the shirts if I bought them new.
I also took curtis to boys group from the homeschool group. He has wanted to go for quite awhile but I was unsure about it and from what we had heard we thought it was a large group of boys. Turns out is usually about 5-6 boys and they are all right around curtis's age. He has been wanting to spend time with boys his age for quite awhile. Ray had to work the day of boys group so I got directions and off we went. Took about 20 minutes to get to the house that it was held at this week. Walked Curtis to the door, introduced him, he said he was ok and Sterling and I went back home. 3 hours later we went back to pick him up. He had the BEST time ever he said. All the boys like the same stuff that curtis likes. They played with nerf guns, legos, bionicles, nintendo wii and some other stuff. Curtis will be going to this group every week and he is already looking forward to next week.
My end of year resolution is to write at least something in my blog everyday.
A brief catch up....
I have been doing really well with my anxiety and depression the past month or so. I did have a few days last week that I felt a bit on edge and anxious with that globus feeling in my throat but that has gone away. Over the past 2 weeks I went out once with my husband and kids to a chinese buffet for lunch. I am not a huge fan of the buffet but that is what the kids wanted to eat. It was really very good. I did fine with my anxiety though at the end I did start feeling hot and like the room was too crowded even though there was not that many people in there. After that I had to go to the DMV to get my new picture of my drivers license. I guess every 12 years you have to get a new photo. I must have gone at a good time because I was in and out in about 15 minutes max. Of course I hate my new photo and am disgusted with how much my weight is and that I had to update that on my drivers license as well. Last Sunday I met Heather and her daughter Morgan at goodwill. Ray was shocked because I called heather and her husband said she had left for goodwill so I told Ray I am going to meet her at goodwill, he was surprised that I made up my mind to go and actually was getting out of the house. I spent probably over an hour there. I got quite a bit of stuff for 60 dollars. Ray needed some new short sleeve button down shirts so I got him 8 of those, 2 shirts for curtis, a bathrobe for me, a huge box of knex set that builds a roller coaster ( 6.99 for this). 2 cami tops, 1 bra and a cute shirt for me there are probably a few other things I bought but can not remember. I just know that I would have spent that much on just 2 or 3 of the shirts if I bought them new.
I also took curtis to boys group from the homeschool group. He has wanted to go for quite awhile but I was unsure about it and from what we had heard we thought it was a large group of boys. Turns out is usually about 5-6 boys and they are all right around curtis's age. He has been wanting to spend time with boys his age for quite awhile. Ray had to work the day of boys group so I got directions and off we went. Took about 20 minutes to get to the house that it was held at this week. Walked Curtis to the door, introduced him, he said he was ok and Sterling and I went back home. 3 hours later we went back to pick him up. He had the BEST time ever he said. All the boys like the same stuff that curtis likes. They played with nerf guns, legos, bionicles, nintendo wii and some other stuff. Curtis will be going to this group every week and he is already looking forward to next week.
Monday, September 29, 2008
wait for weight
Since my last post I have been thinking about the various reasons why I do not get out much or have people over or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Part of it is pain, part anxiety, part laziness and another part of it is my weight. I have battled my weight all my life but am currently at my highest weight ever. I was staying around 150-160 pounds for many years. That is too heavy for me but I felt good and could fit in cute clothing still and I did not constantly feel self conscious about my weight. Sure I wanted to lose weight and I was not in love with my size but I was ok with it. After all this mess with my mental illnesses started 4 years ago and I started on handfuls of medications I have put on lots of weight. I do not mean 10 or 15 pounds, I mean a lot. I do not want to admit fully how big I am but I will say I have put on roughly 50 pounds or so. I am short, 5 foot 2. I have small bones. I do not carry the extra weight well at all. I have tried diets and still have not lost weight. I thought since I started my thyroid meds that maybe that would help but so far it has not. I have some family and friends that I have not seen for 4 or 5 years and I do not want to see them because I just know their first thoughts will be **OMG she has gotten huge*. I see myself in a mirror and my heart just sinks at how big I am. I have to take the boys to PE in an hour or so and am already trying to find something to wear that does not look like I am wearing a tent. I just know people will look at me and think about my weight. It used to be that even when I was chubby that my face still looked fairly thin, but now even my face is fat. I do not look like what I want to look like.
BUT....I am wondering why am I missing out on stuff just because other people may judge my weight? I keep putting off stuff thinking that oh when I lose the weight then I will go out and do stuff. Well, it is obvious that I could be putting things off forever if I wait to be thin. When I was a teenager I put off stuff until I was thin. When I was 13 I went on a crash diet because I wanted to change from private school to public school but did not want to go to public school and be fat. So, I stayed at private school until I was thin. I did not go to the pool or the beach or talk about boys that I liked until I was thin. I just am tired of letting my weight dictate what I do or do not do...I wish it was not an issue. I wish I was thin or at least thinner. I know that not only is this extra weight mentally hindering me, it is physically hindering me as well. I know I would feel so much better if I lost weight and I AM trying. It is just not an easy thing to do at all. If it was not so hot here that would help a lot as well. I used to love to bike ride or play catch etc but geez at 100+ degrees here it is way to hot.
I am tired of wearing the same clothing over and over because I just do not find it fun to buy cute stuff in my size. Last week I did buy 2 pair of sexy panties to wear for Ray but as of yet have not put them on...I do not have any jeans. All my pants are stretch ones, like leggings etc. I am embarrassed to find out what size I would need in actual jeans. Probably a size 20 or maybe even bigger...but I am making a promise to myself that I am going to buy myself a cute pair of jeans no matter what size I need. I am also going to buy a few other cute items for myself and then go through my closet and throw away all the dingy stretched out clothing that I do have.
I am going to make an appt to get a hair cut and maybe even get my nails done.
I am going to try to treat myself better. I am going to exercise more and keep on doing weight watchers. The weight will come off, it is just going to take awhile and I am tired of putting my life on hold until I am thin.
BUT....I am wondering why am I missing out on stuff just because other people may judge my weight? I keep putting off stuff thinking that oh when I lose the weight then I will go out and do stuff. Well, it is obvious that I could be putting things off forever if I wait to be thin. When I was a teenager I put off stuff until I was thin. When I was 13 I went on a crash diet because I wanted to change from private school to public school but did not want to go to public school and be fat. So, I stayed at private school until I was thin. I did not go to the pool or the beach or talk about boys that I liked until I was thin. I just am tired of letting my weight dictate what I do or do not do...I wish it was not an issue. I wish I was thin or at least thinner. I know that not only is this extra weight mentally hindering me, it is physically hindering me as well. I know I would feel so much better if I lost weight and I AM trying. It is just not an easy thing to do at all. If it was not so hot here that would help a lot as well. I used to love to bike ride or play catch etc but geez at 100+ degrees here it is way to hot.
I am tired of wearing the same clothing over and over because I just do not find it fun to buy cute stuff in my size. Last week I did buy 2 pair of sexy panties to wear for Ray but as of yet have not put them on...I do not have any jeans. All my pants are stretch ones, like leggings etc. I am embarrassed to find out what size I would need in actual jeans. Probably a size 20 or maybe even bigger...but I am making a promise to myself that I am going to buy myself a cute pair of jeans no matter what size I need. I am also going to buy a few other cute items for myself and then go through my closet and throw away all the dingy stretched out clothing that I do have.
I am going to make an appt to get a hair cut and maybe even get my nails done.
I am going to try to treat myself better. I am going to exercise more and keep on doing weight watchers. The weight will come off, it is just going to take awhile and I am tired of putting my life on hold until I am thin.
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