Sunday, November 12, 2006

Rough times and learning to have faith

The past 2 months or so have been on and off rough. I feel like the higher dose of meds is finally fully kicked in. I am happy with the decrease of the panic attacks but do not feel as if the medication is working as well as I would want it to. It controls my anxiety some but not as much as I was controlled last year on a lower dose. Of course now I also am aware of just how fast a med can stop working and that I could wake up tommorow with the medication not working and have to start over again. This scares the crap out of me. I can not deal with the panic attacks and try to take care of my kids at the same time. I wish I had some family or friends I could count on to help me out if I had a setback. I really do not have anybody who I know would help me out if I needed it. Everybody is busy and has thier own life and I am sure people do not understand what it is I deal with. Each night I get scared to go to sleep because I worry what the next day will bring. Will I wake up in a panic attack? will I be sick? will I be ok? The mornings are slowly getting better for me. Those are usually the roughest and now they are somewhat better.
The dr just re-prescribed me wellbutrin 150mg to start again. I am having bouts of what I would call * just not giving a damn* Not really depression but just not really caring and a bit of feeling sorry for myself added in.
I have worked on some things. I have done some rather large size sewing orders of doll stuff. I have listed some stuff on ebay. I did actually go out and get my eyebrows waxed the other day and am enjoying my new collection of bare minerals makeup.
I also am trying to be faithful and believe that GOD has a purpose and a plan for me. My friend D comes over every week and she has been a huge blessing to me. I now count the days of the week based on her visit. It helps the days not each be the same. I used to love having friends and it helps to have somebody come over. We finished the bible study the purppose driven life and I learned so much from that. I then got baptised and am very happy about that decision. I do firmly believe that there is a GOD and that I will go to heaven and that there is a purpose to everything.
Right now we are watching a series each week based on a lady that had suffered from depression for many years. She is now on medication and she did a dvd based on her faith. It really makes sense and each week gives me something to think about. The week before last really was a good message and it was to live life to the fullest. I am still stuck on that a bit because I am not sure what the fullest is. I see people who have these huge ambitions. Plans to climb mountains or ride bikes across the country. To me that is living life in the fullest but those are not things that I could do. I guess before I can live life to the fullest I need to figure out what it is that it means. I would love to get out but I am not sure where to...I also worry that if I do live life to the fullest if I have a setback with my anxiety that it will just make it all that much worse for me to deal with.
My current definition of a good day is making it through the day without a panic attack. I am slowly doing more though. I have cooked dinners for 2 weeks now and have made meal plans. I have planned out and am almost done with shopping for Christmas gifts.
I guess I need to have some ambition and some energy and to decide what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have wasted just about 5 years of my life and I can not get those back. Maybe I will make it a goal to list 5 things that I want to accomplish in the next 6 months.

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