Please understand...

I guess the hardest part at times is dealing with others that dont suffer from an invisble illness...( I prefer this term over mental illness..I have an illness that is often invisble to others, but it is not totally mental, I suffer physically from it as well and just dont like the term mental illness...). Most people do not understand that we are still the same person, we just have a few extra struggles to deal with.
I have been blessed with awesome awesome online friends/support. I will not mention thier names since this is an anonymous sort of blog..but I am sure they know who they are. I have been a member of delphi forums for years and have found so much support there through out the past year.
When I take a new medication I panic that I will have an allergic reaction to it and die...I have come to the computer in a panic and posted to my friends or at a forum that I frequent and have been calmed down and reassured that I am ok. I am amazed by how many people also have the same problems. I am comforted by the fact that when I post what I am going through that many others are dealing with it as well.
I also want people to know that with my problem I may seem to be a flake...I make plans with you and then have some excuse why I cant make it. I may tell you that I want to get together with you and then never make solid plans. This is not me being rude to you or not wanting to be with you. This is part of my illness. I am not comfortable at times going out. If I make plans a week in advance I often dwell on them all week long and cause myself lots of panic and stress. That is why I like to do impromptu stuff. I know this is not always conveniant for everybody else and I apologize.
I am trying to be better about making plans and sticking to them.
I do not think that most people in real life even know I have a problem. I make excuses why I cant meet them or why I dont want to hang out. I look like I am fine so it is only me suffering inside...
If I had a broken bone it would be so much easier to explain...I could just tell you I am in lots of pain and cannot do anything. But with a mental disorder it is much harder, I doubt you would understand if I said to you that I was feeling too anxious to go out, that my agoraphobia was bad this week or that I was trying to calm myself down because I feel like I may choke and die...you may just laugh at me and I understand that.
I am not offended easily and I still like to joke and think that a lot of what I feel is funny after I feel better. When I am in the middle of a panic attack I do not find much humor in it..but afterwards I do see a bit of humor and a bit of how ridicoulous it sounds that I think I may die or that I am busy listening to my lungs because I am afraid they are filling up with fluid or some other equally fatal issue..
Well, basically I am just feeling so blessed to have such good online friends...friends that send me books when I have not been able to go out to the library, friends that chat with me and worry if they do not see my online for more then a day or so...
I do not know what I would do without my computer and online friends...thanks for being there..