Getting better...

I started having less panic attacks and started being able to go out more often. I did some research and found that exercise can help anxiety. I have a treadmill at home but just dont have the motivation to use it. I decided I needed to join a gym. I was unsure about going to a gym since there would be lots of people there and what would I do if I had a panic attack while I was there. I could not afford to join the gym. I found that the YMCA offered scholorship programs to people who want to join the gym but cant otherwise afford to. I applied and got approved for a reduced rate. This also would cover the childwatch for my kids up to 2 hours while I exercised. I was still unsure about going and did not even know where to start. I signed up for a special program where you get a personal trainer to guide you along. I went for my first workout with the trainer. He set up a workout program. I started working out everday. I am in pain everyday but decided I would go anyways. I would take a pain pill before I went if I had to but that for my mental health I needed to get out of the house daily. I started the gym July 5th 2005...I started going everyday. This is the most I had gotten out for quite a long time. My anxiety started feeling better. I cut back on my xanax to only a few times a week instead of a few times a day.
August 12th was coming up and I was paranoid or superstitious of the day since that would mark 1 year from when this all started....but the day came and went just like any other day. I can look back at the past year and often can not express or explain how terrible it had been trying to get past this. Most people dont understand and I would not have either if I had not lived it. I hope to continue this blog to help give a face to mental illness. It is not always the stereotypical face that you think. I look just like anybody else. I am a wife, a mom, a sister, daughter, friend and more...and yet I have a disease....an invisible disease at most times...invisible to everybody but me.
I take my medications daily. I suffer side effects from the lexapro but that is a trade off for now that I find worth it. I can live with the side effects but I could not live with the several daily panic attacks that was draining the life out of me. I am supposed to start on welbutrin xr to help with some of the side effects from the lexapro. The main side effects I have are fatigue, some days I am so tired I cant get through it without me taking a nap or 2. I also do not sleep well. I often wake up at 3am and cannot fall back asleep. I also sometimes have mild depressive feelings...I have not ever experienced that before so am not sure if it is a side effect from the medication, or a side effect from this disease I have to deal with...
I realize that the lexapro can stop working at any time. That is a real concern and can happen. The psych dr has assured me that if/when this happens we will try other medications.
I continue to go to the psych dr every month because I refuse to suffer in silence. I let him know every symptom I have and try to find what will work best for me.
Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I have lots to be thankful for this year...mostly that this year is not last year...