My purpose in writing this..

I was trying to figure out exactly why I am writing a blog of something that was so miserable for me to deal with. I always sort of knew I wanted to pass on what I have gone through in hopes of helping others but I think my reasoning may also be a bit more selfish then that. Part of me wants to stand on a mountain and laugh and wave my fist and say to the powers that be *** see...I did get better...I am stronger then this**** but then my superstitous side says that that is probably just tempting fate to come back and make me worse again. And saying that I am better is true, yet I am not cured. I am not 100% better. I guess I am probably 80% better on most days and some days maybe onlye 50% better. Another reason to write this is to prove that I am not ashamed of the illness that I have, yet I have chosen to keep this blog anonymous for now so I must not quite be ready to share all of this yet with others...
Why do I not want to share yet? I do not know. I say that I am not ashamed. That I know that I did nothing wrong to cause my mental illness. Mental illness runs deep in my family. My Grandmother ended up dying in a mental institution. My Aunt has been in and out of mental hospitals since she was 17, my mother has been in and out of inpatient and outpatient treatment programs for mental illness and there are many other family members that suffer from this as well. I know everybody in my family that suffers from it started when they were in thier teens, so when I made it to 30 and had not had a breakdown yet I figured I was safe...but then looking back I probably had some symptoms of mental illness back into my teens. I just worked very hard to deny them. I guess I did a really good job of it.
I have shared my blog with a few people and have gotten good comments back from them. It is amazing how many people have the same sort of problems and how they start to share it when they hear that I have problems as well. I wonder if everybody has some secret problem..that maybe not everybody is as strong as they appear on the outside.
I think it is an amazing thing when you get to know somebody well enough that they peel away thier outer shell and let you into thier core and let you see the real them. I guess that is why I am not quite ready to show this blog to everybody, maybe I am not ready to totally show my inner feelings and to peel away the outer layer of my strength and to show my weakness...