Well, I have survived about 2 hours with the new medication. I guess if I was allergic to it I would have dropped dead already...
Thanks to everybody ( YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who talked to me this morning and helped me get through the past few hours...
Saturday, November 26, 2005
The sky is falling
The sky is falling..yes I feel like chicken little, everything is a catastrophe.
I just swallowed the new medication I mentioned in my last post and fear that it will kill me.
I started wellbutrin sr 150 mg...It was added to my other medications to help me not feel so sluggish and tired. But of course I think it may kill me. I have had the prescription for almost 2 months. I waited and waited to take it. I made sure to start it this morning because my husband is home for the weekend so if I die he will be here..I know this sounds extreme but that is how I feel.
I google side effects, I look up law suits against the drug, I think about the worst case scenario..
Of course now I think I will have an allergic reaction and my throat will swell shut and I will die.
I stood in the kitchen with the pill in my hand and a glass of water for 30 minutes before I swallowed it.
Maybe I should have taken it with a xanax..or a few xanax. Thay way I either would not worry about the pill killing me or if it did kill me I would not mind as much..
Well..hopefully this is not the last post from me.
I will post in awhile with an update..
I just swallowed the new medication I mentioned in my last post and fear that it will kill me.
I started wellbutrin sr 150 mg...It was added to my other medications to help me not feel so sluggish and tired. But of course I think it may kill me. I have had the prescription for almost 2 months. I waited and waited to take it. I made sure to start it this morning because my husband is home for the weekend so if I die he will be here..I know this sounds extreme but that is how I feel.
I google side effects, I look up law suits against the drug, I think about the worst case scenario..
Of course now I think I will have an allergic reaction and my throat will swell shut and I will die.
I stood in the kitchen with the pill in my hand and a glass of water for 30 minutes before I swallowed it.
Maybe I should have taken it with a xanax..or a few xanax. Thay way I either would not worry about the pill killing me or if it did kill me I would not mind as much..
Well..hopefully this is not the last post from me.
I will post in awhile with an update..
Friday, November 25, 2005
Starting a new medication
I have had a prescription here for almost 6 weeks that the psych dr wrote me to start taking but I have been to worried to start. I have huge panic attacks and anxiety over the thought of trying a new medication. I promised the dr I would not look up on the internet about the side effects because he knew that would freak me out. Well, I lied...I did look up the side effects and now am scared that I will either get blisters inside my mouth and eyes, have a huge seizure or just die from the medication.
I have decided to take it thuogh since I think the benefit will outweigh the risk...I start the medication tommorow morning, so if my blog has no more entries you know the medication did me in...
I have decided to take it thuogh since I think the benefit will outweigh the risk...I start the medication tommorow morning, so if my blog has no more entries you know the medication did me in...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Self imposed hibernation
I have been doing much better about getting out and going to the stores etc. For almost 3 years my agoraphobia kept me near homebound. Well I think the holidays have caused a set back in that for now. I do not think I can go out to the stores until the holidays are over. I went to wal-mart the other day and it was so crowded and chaotic I had to talk myself into staying and finishing my shopping. I stocked up on tons of sewing supplies and other stuff so I will not have to go to the store again for quite sometime. I have most of the gifts already bought and the rest I will buy online. I cannot deal with the noise and all the people. I have had 2 panic attacks in the past week and I think most of it is from the stress of the holidays coming up.
I also think bad things can happen being around so many people. I am sure most of these worries are a bit unrealistic but they can happen. I worry about exposure to germs, coughing kids, people with the flu. I also saw a news show the other day where a man went into a crowded shopping mall and shot people and held others hostage. I worry that this could happen at some crowded place that I am shopping in.
I have had people ask me if I get bored at home. I do NOT get bored at home. It feels good to get out because it shows me that I am doing well but if I never leave my house I have plenty to do here. I love to read, play on the computer, nap, watch tv, sew, crochet, scrapbook and other crafts.
I also think bad things can happen being around so many people. I am sure most of these worries are a bit unrealistic but they can happen. I worry about exposure to germs, coughing kids, people with the flu. I also saw a news show the other day where a man went into a crowded shopping mall and shot people and held others hostage. I worry that this could happen at some crowded place that I am shopping in.
I have had people ask me if I get bored at home. I do NOT get bored at home. It feels good to get out because it shows me that I am doing well but if I never leave my house I have plenty to do here. I love to read, play on the computer, nap, watch tv, sew, crochet, scrapbook and other crafts.
It is no wonder...
It is no wonder I grew up to be a neurotic mess. My entire family is a psychiatrist dream. I was just thinking back to when I first started feeling anxious, and it probably started before I was even born. My mother used to tell us all sorts of awful things would happen to us and I would obsess over these grisly tales she told...here are a few for your viewing pleasure....
A few things my mom used to tell me..
Dont swing to high on the swing, it will flip over the top and break your neck.
You cant dye your hair, it will turn to straw and fall out.
Do not eat that, it will make your teeth rot out of your head
Do not sit so close to the tv you will go blind
Do not ride roller coasters you will fall off and die
Do not swim in peoples pools, they may have a whirlpool and you will drown
Do not pick your nose your finger may go into your brain and kill you.
Do not touch the car door while I am driving, the door may open and you will fall out on the road
Do not walk around with a sucker in your mouth, you will fall and the sucker will kill you
Cut your steak away from your body or your knife will slip and you will stab yourself
Do not ever use salt or your blood pressure will get high and your kidneys will fail
If you do not brush your hair a spider will think it is a nest and lay eggs in it
Do not go in the ocean a rip tide will pull you out and you will drown
Do not walk on the beach with no shoes you will get your toes cut off on broken glass
Do you use a snorkal, a bee could fly down it and sting inside your throat and you will die
Do not buy ice cream from the ice cream truck, it could be poisoned
If you drink out of a drinking fountain it could be poisoned as well..
If you wear shoes with no socks you will get an infection
If you wear no underwear you will get an infection
If you sit in a wet bathing suit you will get an infection
If you eat a jaw breaker you will choke and die
Even if the olives are supposed to be pitted there may still be a pit and you will choke and die
And on and on and on..oh and most of these stories were followed by her telling me about somedody she knew that had this happen to them...niiice...
A few things my mom used to tell me..
Dont swing to high on the swing, it will flip over the top and break your neck.
You cant dye your hair, it will turn to straw and fall out.
Do not eat that, it will make your teeth rot out of your head
Do not sit so close to the tv you will go blind
Do not ride roller coasters you will fall off and die
Do not swim in peoples pools, they may have a whirlpool and you will drown
Do not pick your nose your finger may go into your brain and kill you.
Do not touch the car door while I am driving, the door may open and you will fall out on the road
Do not walk around with a sucker in your mouth, you will fall and the sucker will kill you
Cut your steak away from your body or your knife will slip and you will stab yourself
Do not ever use salt or your blood pressure will get high and your kidneys will fail
If you do not brush your hair a spider will think it is a nest and lay eggs in it
Do not go in the ocean a rip tide will pull you out and you will drown
Do not walk on the beach with no shoes you will get your toes cut off on broken glass
Do you use a snorkal, a bee could fly down it and sting inside your throat and you will die
Do not buy ice cream from the ice cream truck, it could be poisoned
If you drink out of a drinking fountain it could be poisoned as well..
If you wear shoes with no socks you will get an infection
If you wear no underwear you will get an infection
If you sit in a wet bathing suit you will get an infection
If you eat a jaw breaker you will choke and die
Even if the olives are supposed to be pitted there may still be a pit and you will choke and die
And on and on and on..oh and most of these stories were followed by her telling me about somedody she knew that had this happen to them...niiice...
Having children..
Well, I am done having babies. We had planned to have maybe another 1 or 2 but there is no way that I can physically or mentally have more babies. I am sad that I am done but also relieved. It is not fair to myself or the kids for me to have more. It makes it very hard on days that I do not feel well. Today as an example...I am very tired, have not slept well for awhile and actually could hardly sleep at all most of the weekend. This morning was rough and I took a xanax and now am so groggy I just want to crawl in bed. I cannot crawl in bed. I have a 3 year old counting on me. He wants to play and do things and I just want to sleep. I look forward to the day he is in school so if I am not feeling well I can just climb back into bed. Oh today would be such a great day for that. It is chilly and a bit dark outside, I have the heater on and it is just perfect to crawl back in bed with a book and spend the day there.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
What I wished I knew last year..
The one thing that I wished I knew when this all started is that someday I would feel normal again. When it first started all I could think of was how life would never be the same. I looked at my children and cried because I thought I could never be the mom I wanted to be. I thought I would never be able to take them anwyhere without fear of having a panic attack. I was trying different medications and suffering from side effects. I never thought I would just be myself and be able to enjoy normal everyday activities.
I do feel normal again. It took me from august 12th 2004 until around april 2005 to start getting back to feeling like myself.
Looking back I think if somebody had told me that once I got on the right medications that I would be much better I would have felt much more at ease. I was blessed to have a great psych dr though who told me that he would try every medication he had to for me to get better. My regular dr also told me the same thing but not one person told me that I would get over it and get back to the things I enjoy.
When I posted earlier about my purpose of writing this blog I left out one of the main reasons...and that is so others that are going through the same thing will read it and know that they will feel like themselves again someday as well.
I hope to be comfortable enough someday to publicly share this blog along with me contact info so I can chat with others that may be going through what I was last year.
I know that I have been very open about my problems on a few forums I go to and that I have had personal emails from people going through similar problems and the one thing I tell them is that they will feel normal again and it seems like they were needing to hear that. I thought at first that maybe it was just me that felt that way but it seems to be a common feeling for people with mental illness, that they worry that they will never feel normal again.
I am soo glad to feel the way I do today, even though it is not the way I used to feel a few years ago. I am able to enjoy life, my kids, my husband, my friends. I have my hobbies back. I love to read and craft and sew. I love to scrapbook. I love learning new things and I can enjoy that now. I am looking forward to the holidays and am so excited that I want to get out and do things and prepare for the holidays.
There are a few things that I can not do and probably will not ever be able to but I try no to dwell on that because I am just sooo pleased with how I am doing now compared to last year. I probably will not ever be able to go back to work. I have other problems besides my mental health problems that combined together prevent me from holding a job. I am in pain daily. I have fibromyalgia, bone spurs in my neck that are pinching nerves, periperal neuropathy, 5 surgeries on my knee with a bone graph from my hip, and I have a few other equally unfun ailments that would make holding a job very unlikely. I am dealing with applying for disability now and it is a long process.
Well..it looks like I am in a rambling mood tonight...so I will end this post by saying how thankful I am to be feeling the way I am today even if it is not what I hoped to be feeling like it is more then I could have hoped for last year..I have much to be thankful for this thanksgiving...
I do feel normal again. It took me from august 12th 2004 until around april 2005 to start getting back to feeling like myself.
Looking back I think if somebody had told me that once I got on the right medications that I would be much better I would have felt much more at ease. I was blessed to have a great psych dr though who told me that he would try every medication he had to for me to get better. My regular dr also told me the same thing but not one person told me that I would get over it and get back to the things I enjoy.
When I posted earlier about my purpose of writing this blog I left out one of the main reasons...and that is so others that are going through the same thing will read it and know that they will feel like themselves again someday as well.
I hope to be comfortable enough someday to publicly share this blog along with me contact info so I can chat with others that may be going through what I was last year.
I know that I have been very open about my problems on a few forums I go to and that I have had personal emails from people going through similar problems and the one thing I tell them is that they will feel normal again and it seems like they were needing to hear that. I thought at first that maybe it was just me that felt that way but it seems to be a common feeling for people with mental illness, that they worry that they will never feel normal again.
I am soo glad to feel the way I do today, even though it is not the way I used to feel a few years ago. I am able to enjoy life, my kids, my husband, my friends. I have my hobbies back. I love to read and craft and sew. I love to scrapbook. I love learning new things and I can enjoy that now. I am looking forward to the holidays and am so excited that I want to get out and do things and prepare for the holidays.
There are a few things that I can not do and probably will not ever be able to but I try no to dwell on that because I am just sooo pleased with how I am doing now compared to last year. I probably will not ever be able to go back to work. I have other problems besides my mental health problems that combined together prevent me from holding a job. I am in pain daily. I have fibromyalgia, bone spurs in my neck that are pinching nerves, periperal neuropathy, 5 surgeries on my knee with a bone graph from my hip, and I have a few other equally unfun ailments that would make holding a job very unlikely. I am dealing with applying for disability now and it is a long process.
Well..it looks like I am in a rambling mood tonight...so I will end this post by saying how thankful I am to be feeling the way I am today even if it is not what I hoped to be feeling like it is more then I could have hoped for last year..I have much to be thankful for this thanksgiving...
What it feels like to me
Everybody experiences a panic attack differently. My panic attacks are very very severe and most people with panic attacks do not even have them as bad as I do. Mine cause me to have very bad physical symptoms and then the panic attack feeds upon the physical symptoms and then it sort of snowballs and causes more symptoms which causes more panic.
There is nothing really that sets off a panic attack, it is just something wrong in my head..maybe a short circuit, who knows..but for no reason, out of the blue I will feel my heart start to race. My throat feels like it is closing up, like I have something tied around my neck. I start shaking and start sweating even though I usually feel icy cold. I can't catch my breath. I start pacing trying to get away from whatever it is that is causing me this panic..but it just makes it worse...after a few mintues I start thinking I am dying..if my husband is home I usually tell him that something is wrong, that I am choking that I cannot breath. He now knows that this is a panic attack. On one level I know that this is what it is as well, but on another level I start worrying that maybe this time it really is a heart attack or something awful..if my husband is not home I usually call him crying that I am dying...though I try not to bother him anymore. I often now just get online and try to chat with somebody to take my mind off of it...
Now, for me this can last up to 4 hours or more and then can start all over again..
I usually can medicate myself enough to make it stop but it often takes enough xanax to make me fall asleep for this to stop...
There is not any one certain thing that sets it off though there are a few triggers that I have noticed make me start feeling this way. One thing that causes it is to hear about diseases...I then look them up online and start thinking of have the symptoms of it and that I have that disease. Another thing is watching medical shows like Trauma life in the Er or anything like that. This is very very odd for me since I was a nurse and thrived on the adrenaline rush of that sort of thing but I can no longer watch this sort of show.
One other thing that always causes a panic attack is taking a new medication. No matter what it is, it causes me to think I am having an allergic reaction to it and I will die. Of course I have never had an allergic reaction and now I fear that I am like the boy crying wolf and when I really do have a problem nobody will believe me..
Another big problem that sets off the panic attacks is the globus hystericus that I suffer from...the dr nor I am unsure what came first, the globus or the anxiety. They both started about the same time. Yes I know that the globus will cause me no harm but it feels like I am choking. It makes me feel like my throat will close up and I will choke. I cannot imagine that most people who had this feeling would not start to panic.
I have not had much problems lately with going out. I get out to the gym almost everyday though that is mostly because I feel comfortable there now since I have my workouts set up by a trainer and he keeps track of everything I do. I do not like crowded stores and try to go early or late in the day. With the holidays coming I will probably be staying home and away from the stores. I dont like lots of people and especially lots of kids running around just drives me batty...so I try to stay away from places that are bound to be overcrowded...
There is nothing really that sets off a panic attack, it is just something wrong in my head..maybe a short circuit, who knows..but for no reason, out of the blue I will feel my heart start to race. My throat feels like it is closing up, like I have something tied around my neck. I start shaking and start sweating even though I usually feel icy cold. I can't catch my breath. I start pacing trying to get away from whatever it is that is causing me this panic..but it just makes it worse...after a few mintues I start thinking I am dying..if my husband is home I usually tell him that something is wrong, that I am choking that I cannot breath. He now knows that this is a panic attack. On one level I know that this is what it is as well, but on another level I start worrying that maybe this time it really is a heart attack or something awful..if my husband is not home I usually call him crying that I am dying...though I try not to bother him anymore. I often now just get online and try to chat with somebody to take my mind off of it...
Now, for me this can last up to 4 hours or more and then can start all over again..
I usually can medicate myself enough to make it stop but it often takes enough xanax to make me fall asleep for this to stop...
There is not any one certain thing that sets it off though there are a few triggers that I have noticed make me start feeling this way. One thing that causes it is to hear about diseases...I then look them up online and start thinking of have the symptoms of it and that I have that disease. Another thing is watching medical shows like Trauma life in the Er or anything like that. This is very very odd for me since I was a nurse and thrived on the adrenaline rush of that sort of thing but I can no longer watch this sort of show.
One other thing that always causes a panic attack is taking a new medication. No matter what it is, it causes me to think I am having an allergic reaction to it and I will die. Of course I have never had an allergic reaction and now I fear that I am like the boy crying wolf and when I really do have a problem nobody will believe me..
Another big problem that sets off the panic attacks is the globus hystericus that I suffer from...the dr nor I am unsure what came first, the globus or the anxiety. They both started about the same time. Yes I know that the globus will cause me no harm but it feels like I am choking. It makes me feel like my throat will close up and I will choke. I cannot imagine that most people who had this feeling would not start to panic.
I have not had much problems lately with going out. I get out to the gym almost everyday though that is mostly because I feel comfortable there now since I have my workouts set up by a trainer and he keeps track of everything I do. I do not like crowded stores and try to go early or late in the day. With the holidays coming I will probably be staying home and away from the stores. I dont like lots of people and especially lots of kids running around just drives me batty...so I try to stay away from places that are bound to be overcrowded...
My purpose in writing this..
I was trying to figure out exactly why I am writing a blog of something that was so miserable for me to deal with. I always sort of knew I wanted to pass on what I have gone through in hopes of helping others but I think my reasoning may also be a bit more selfish then that. Part of me wants to stand on a mountain and laugh and wave my fist and say to the powers that be *** see...I did get better...I am stronger then this**** but then my superstitous side says that that is probably just tempting fate to come back and make me worse again. And saying that I am better is true, yet I am not cured. I am not 100% better. I guess I am probably 80% better on most days and some days maybe onlye 50% better. Another reason to write this is to prove that I am not ashamed of the illness that I have, yet I have chosen to keep this blog anonymous for now so I must not quite be ready to share all of this yet with others...
Why do I not want to share yet? I do not know. I say that I am not ashamed. That I know that I did nothing wrong to cause my mental illness. Mental illness runs deep in my family. My Grandmother ended up dying in a mental institution. My Aunt has been in and out of mental hospitals since she was 17, my mother has been in and out of inpatient and outpatient treatment programs for mental illness and there are many other family members that suffer from this as well. I know everybody in my family that suffers from it started when they were in thier teens, so when I made it to 30 and had not had a breakdown yet I figured I was safe...but then looking back I probably had some symptoms of mental illness back into my teens. I just worked very hard to deny them. I guess I did a really good job of it.
I have shared my blog with a few people and have gotten good comments back from them. It is amazing how many people have the same sort of problems and how they start to share it when they hear that I have problems as well. I wonder if everybody has some secret problem..that maybe not everybody is as strong as they appear on the outside.
I think it is an amazing thing when you get to know somebody well enough that they peel away thier outer shell and let you into thier core and let you see the real them. I guess that is why I am not quite ready to show this blog to everybody, maybe I am not ready to totally show my inner feelings and to peel away the outer layer of my strength and to show my weakness...
Why do I not want to share yet? I do not know. I say that I am not ashamed. That I know that I did nothing wrong to cause my mental illness. Mental illness runs deep in my family. My Grandmother ended up dying in a mental institution. My Aunt has been in and out of mental hospitals since she was 17, my mother has been in and out of inpatient and outpatient treatment programs for mental illness and there are many other family members that suffer from this as well. I know everybody in my family that suffers from it started when they were in thier teens, so when I made it to 30 and had not had a breakdown yet I figured I was safe...but then looking back I probably had some symptoms of mental illness back into my teens. I just worked very hard to deny them. I guess I did a really good job of it.
I have shared my blog with a few people and have gotten good comments back from them. It is amazing how many people have the same sort of problems and how they start to share it when they hear that I have problems as well. I wonder if everybody has some secret problem..that maybe not everybody is as strong as they appear on the outside.
I think it is an amazing thing when you get to know somebody well enough that they peel away thier outer shell and let you into thier core and let you see the real them. I guess that is why I am not quite ready to show this blog to everybody, maybe I am not ready to totally show my inner feelings and to peel away the outer layer of my strength and to show my weakness...
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Please understand...
I guess the hardest part at times is dealing with others that dont suffer from an invisble illness...( I prefer this term over mental illness..I have an illness that is often invisble to others, but it is not totally mental, I suffer physically from it as well and just dont like the term mental illness...). Most people do not understand that we are still the same person, we just have a few extra struggles to deal with.
I have been blessed with awesome awesome online friends/support. I will not mention thier names since this is an anonymous sort of blog..but I am sure they know who they are. I have been a member of delphi forums for years and have found so much support there through out the past year.
When I take a new medication I panic that I will have an allergic reaction to it and die...I have come to the computer in a panic and posted to my friends or at a forum that I frequent and have been calmed down and reassured that I am ok. I am amazed by how many people also have the same problems. I am comforted by the fact that when I post what I am going through that many others are dealing with it as well.
I also want people to know that with my problem I may seem to be a flake...I make plans with you and then have some excuse why I cant make it. I may tell you that I want to get together with you and then never make solid plans. This is not me being rude to you or not wanting to be with you. This is part of my illness. I am not comfortable at times going out. If I make plans a week in advance I often dwell on them all week long and cause myself lots of panic and stress. That is why I like to do impromptu stuff. I know this is not always conveniant for everybody else and I apologize.
I am trying to be better about making plans and sticking to them.
I do not think that most people in real life even know I have a problem. I make excuses why I cant meet them or why I dont want to hang out. I look like I am fine so it is only me suffering inside...
If I had a broken bone it would be so much easier to explain...I could just tell you I am in lots of pain and cannot do anything. But with a mental disorder it is much harder, I doubt you would understand if I said to you that I was feeling too anxious to go out, that my agoraphobia was bad this week or that I was trying to calm myself down because I feel like I may choke and die...you may just laugh at me and I understand that.
I am not offended easily and I still like to joke and think that a lot of what I feel is funny after I feel better. When I am in the middle of a panic attack I do not find much humor in it..but afterwards I do see a bit of humor and a bit of how ridicoulous it sounds that I think I may die or that I am busy listening to my lungs because I am afraid they are filling up with fluid or some other equally fatal issue..
Well, basically I am just feeling so blessed to have such good online friends...friends that send me books when I have not been able to go out to the library, friends that chat with me and worry if they do not see my online for more then a day or so...
I do not know what I would do without my computer and online friends...thanks for being there..
I have been blessed with awesome awesome online friends/support. I will not mention thier names since this is an anonymous sort of blog..but I am sure they know who they are. I have been a member of delphi forums for years and have found so much support there through out the past year.
When I take a new medication I panic that I will have an allergic reaction to it and die...I have come to the computer in a panic and posted to my friends or at a forum that I frequent and have been calmed down and reassured that I am ok. I am amazed by how many people also have the same problems. I am comforted by the fact that when I post what I am going through that many others are dealing with it as well.
I also want people to know that with my problem I may seem to be a flake...I make plans with you and then have some excuse why I cant make it. I may tell you that I want to get together with you and then never make solid plans. This is not me being rude to you or not wanting to be with you. This is part of my illness. I am not comfortable at times going out. If I make plans a week in advance I often dwell on them all week long and cause myself lots of panic and stress. That is why I like to do impromptu stuff. I know this is not always conveniant for everybody else and I apologize.
I am trying to be better about making plans and sticking to them.
I do not think that most people in real life even know I have a problem. I make excuses why I cant meet them or why I dont want to hang out. I look like I am fine so it is only me suffering inside...
If I had a broken bone it would be so much easier to explain...I could just tell you I am in lots of pain and cannot do anything. But with a mental disorder it is much harder, I doubt you would understand if I said to you that I was feeling too anxious to go out, that my agoraphobia was bad this week or that I was trying to calm myself down because I feel like I may choke and die...you may just laugh at me and I understand that.
I am not offended easily and I still like to joke and think that a lot of what I feel is funny after I feel better. When I am in the middle of a panic attack I do not find much humor in it..but afterwards I do see a bit of humor and a bit of how ridicoulous it sounds that I think I may die or that I am busy listening to my lungs because I am afraid they are filling up with fluid or some other equally fatal issue..
Well, basically I am just feeling so blessed to have such good online friends...friends that send me books when I have not been able to go out to the library, friends that chat with me and worry if they do not see my online for more then a day or so...
I do not know what I would do without my computer and online friends...thanks for being there..
Friday, November 11, 2005
All you ever wanted to know and then some
I do not think most people have ever heard of globus hystericus. I had not and I had worked in the medical field for years and had no clue there was such a thing. When the word was first brought up to me I was caught on the word hystericus...it made me feel like I was being brushed off and presumed crazy. At that point I did not care if I was crazy or not, I just wanted the feeling to go away.
The way globus feels to me...
a lump in my throat
I am choking
there is something I need to swallow but it won't go down
my throat is tightening
The way globus is described on some web searches I did...
Cricopharyngeal spasm
fear of choking
The symptoms can be mimicked by pushing on the cartilage in the neck just below the Adams apple.
Lump in throat & Difficulty swallowing:Globus Hystericus: It is caused by the muscles in the throat contracting due to anxiety or stress. Sometimes it feels like you cannot swallow anything and trying to makes it worse. This is another example of a symptom, which will improve if you give it no credibility. It is totally harmless and will not cause you to stop breathing, eating or drinking, it is just very unpleasant.Source:National Panic & Anxiety Disorder NewsFor Sufferers of Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks & Phobiashttp://www.npadnews.com/anxiety-symptoms.asp
The way globus feels to me...
a lump in my throat
I am choking
there is something I need to swallow but it won't go down
my throat is tightening
The way globus is described on some web searches I did...
Cricopharyngeal spasm
fear of choking
The symptoms can be mimicked by pushing on the cartilage in the neck just below the Adams apple.
Lump in throat & Difficulty swallowing:Globus Hystericus: It is caused by the muscles in the throat contracting due to anxiety or stress. Sometimes it feels like you cannot swallow anything and trying to makes it worse. This is another example of a symptom, which will improve if you give it no credibility. It is totally harmless and will not cause you to stop breathing, eating or drinking, it is just very unpleasant.Source:National Panic & Anxiety Disorder NewsFor Sufferers of Anxiety Disorder, Panic Attacks & Phobiashttp://www.npadnews.com/anxiety-symptoms.asp
Getting better...
I started having less panic attacks and started being able to go out more often. I did some research and found that exercise can help anxiety. I have a treadmill at home but just dont have the motivation to use it. I decided I needed to join a gym. I was unsure about going to a gym since there would be lots of people there and what would I do if I had a panic attack while I was there. I could not afford to join the gym. I found that the YMCA offered scholorship programs to people who want to join the gym but cant otherwise afford to. I applied and got approved for a reduced rate. This also would cover the childwatch for my kids up to 2 hours while I exercised. I was still unsure about going and did not even know where to start. I signed up for a special program where you get a personal trainer to guide you along. I went for my first workout with the trainer. He set up a workout program. I started working out everday. I am in pain everyday but decided I would go anyways. I would take a pain pill before I went if I had to but that for my mental health I needed to get out of the house daily. I started the gym July 5th 2005...I started going everyday. This is the most I had gotten out for quite a long time. My anxiety started feeling better. I cut back on my xanax to only a few times a week instead of a few times a day.
August 12th was coming up and I was paranoid or superstitious of the day since that would mark 1 year from when this all started....but the day came and went just like any other day. I can look back at the past year and often can not express or explain how terrible it had been trying to get past this. Most people dont understand and I would not have either if I had not lived it. I hope to continue this blog to help give a face to mental illness. It is not always the stereotypical face that you think. I look just like anybody else. I am a wife, a mom, a sister, daughter, friend and more...and yet I have a disease....an invisible disease at most times...invisible to everybody but me.
I take my medications daily. I suffer side effects from the lexapro but that is a trade off for now that I find worth it. I can live with the side effects but I could not live with the several daily panic attacks that was draining the life out of me. I am supposed to start on welbutrin xr to help with some of the side effects from the lexapro. The main side effects I have are fatigue, some days I am so tired I cant get through it without me taking a nap or 2. I also do not sleep well. I often wake up at 3am and cannot fall back asleep. I also sometimes have mild depressive feelings...I have not ever experienced that before so am not sure if it is a side effect from the medication, or a side effect from this disease I have to deal with...
I realize that the lexapro can stop working at any time. That is a real concern and can happen. The psych dr has assured me that if/when this happens we will try other medications.
I continue to go to the psych dr every month because I refuse to suffer in silence. I let him know every symptom I have and try to find what will work best for me.
Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I have lots to be thankful for this year...mostly that this year is not last year...
August 12th was coming up and I was paranoid or superstitious of the day since that would mark 1 year from when this all started....but the day came and went just like any other day. I can look back at the past year and often can not express or explain how terrible it had been trying to get past this. Most people dont understand and I would not have either if I had not lived it. I hope to continue this blog to help give a face to mental illness. It is not always the stereotypical face that you think. I look just like anybody else. I am a wife, a mom, a sister, daughter, friend and more...and yet I have a disease....an invisible disease at most times...invisible to everybody but me.
I take my medications daily. I suffer side effects from the lexapro but that is a trade off for now that I find worth it. I can live with the side effects but I could not live with the several daily panic attacks that was draining the life out of me. I am supposed to start on welbutrin xr to help with some of the side effects from the lexapro. The main side effects I have are fatigue, some days I am so tired I cant get through it without me taking a nap or 2. I also do not sleep well. I often wake up at 3am and cannot fall back asleep. I also sometimes have mild depressive feelings...I have not ever experienced that before so am not sure if it is a side effect from the medication, or a side effect from this disease I have to deal with...
I realize that the lexapro can stop working at any time. That is a real concern and can happen. The psych dr has assured me that if/when this happens we will try other medications.
I continue to go to the psych dr every month because I refuse to suffer in silence. I let him know every symptom I have and try to find what will work best for me.
Thanksgiving is coming up soon and I have lots to be thankful for this year...mostly that this year is not last year...
And yet more ramblings
I made an appt. I did not want to. I did not want to think or admit that maybe I had something mentally wrong with me. But at this point I was willing to do anything it took to get better. I could not go on the way I was. My husband was having to take time off work to take care of the kids and the house and myself. I was going to the dr constantly. I could not breath. My heart was racing constantly. I could not function or participate in anything.
I went to my first appt with the psych dr and filled out a bunch of forms and tests he had for me. Lists of symptoms etc....I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, severe generalized anxiety disorder, severe social anxiety disorder, severe panic attacks...we discussed panic attacks...the dr told me that most panic attacks come and go and peak in 15 minutes and then go away...well mine DID NOT do that. I had panic attacks that lasted up to 4 hours or more and some days I was having 3-4 a day...
I was started on paxil cr 12.5 mg...went back to see him 2 weeks later and was moved up to 25 mg...went back a few weeks later and went to 37.5 mg...I was also taking xanax 3-4 times per day and still averaging 1-2 panic attacks a day. The side effects of the paxil were making it so I could not go up to a higher dose and it was not working for me anyways...
The holidays came and went and I was still too sick to enjoy them.
I swore that I would get better. I would resume my life. I would go to the dr as often and as many times as I had to. I would try whatever med I had to take but I would not accept that I would be like this forever...
I made it VERY VERY clear to all my dr's that I was serious about getting better.
SIDE NOTE....mental problems run in my family...I think that is why I was soooo scared to have a mental problem because I have seen it destroy many many members of my family...none of them ever got back to normal or even near normal...
I decided to try a new medication called cymbalta, this was supposed to be a good med for fibro and anxiety. I first had to wean off the paxil. It was not nearly as bad as I had heard it could be...When I got to 25 mg of paxil I added 30mg of cymbalta and then a week later went up to 60 of cymbalta and stopped the paxil...the cymbalta did not do much at first. And then it actually made me worse, much worse. It caused me to go into a depression. It made my heart feel/beat funny..so now I am anxious and depressed and convinced once again that I am having a heart attack...
The psych dr then gives me buspar to add to the cymbalta and changed my xanax to extended release..I decided against the extended release xanax and the buspar made me soo sick that I stopped that. I then weaned off the cymbalta and started on 10 mg of lexapro. The lexapro gave me headaches at first and gave me the sweats and I gained weight. But I started feeling better. I was having days that the lump was not in my throat and that I did not wake up in a panic attack. I actually was able to go out to eat.
The first time I went out to eat was for lunch with my husband. We went to a chinese buffett. I had not been out to eat for probably 2 years or more. It was very nice to go out. Over the following weeks I went out a few more times but I was still having a few panic attacks a week. The panic attacks that I have are very very strong ones. I would have to take enough xanax to almost knock me out. They could last hours and hours and be one after the other and sometimes I would be worn out for days from them.
The dr decided to increase the lexapro to 20mg...I started on 20mg and the headaches started again but I was dedicated to sticking with it and was going to try it no matter what.
At first I got worse...the anxiety increased but I was assured that it was normal.
2 weeks after increasing the dose I started feeling better.
I gained quite a few pounds on the lexapro but I was able to lower my dose of xanax.
I started being able to take the kids to an indoor play area. As long as it was not crowded I was doing better.
I went to my first appt with the psych dr and filled out a bunch of forms and tests he had for me. Lists of symptoms etc....I was diagnosed with agoraphobia, severe generalized anxiety disorder, severe social anxiety disorder, severe panic attacks...we discussed panic attacks...the dr told me that most panic attacks come and go and peak in 15 minutes and then go away...well mine DID NOT do that. I had panic attacks that lasted up to 4 hours or more and some days I was having 3-4 a day...
I was started on paxil cr 12.5 mg...went back to see him 2 weeks later and was moved up to 25 mg...went back a few weeks later and went to 37.5 mg...I was also taking xanax 3-4 times per day and still averaging 1-2 panic attacks a day. The side effects of the paxil were making it so I could not go up to a higher dose and it was not working for me anyways...
The holidays came and went and I was still too sick to enjoy them.
I swore that I would get better. I would resume my life. I would go to the dr as often and as many times as I had to. I would try whatever med I had to take but I would not accept that I would be like this forever...
I made it VERY VERY clear to all my dr's that I was serious about getting better.
SIDE NOTE....mental problems run in my family...I think that is why I was soooo scared to have a mental problem because I have seen it destroy many many members of my family...none of them ever got back to normal or even near normal...
I decided to try a new medication called cymbalta, this was supposed to be a good med for fibro and anxiety. I first had to wean off the paxil. It was not nearly as bad as I had heard it could be...When I got to 25 mg of paxil I added 30mg of cymbalta and then a week later went up to 60 of cymbalta and stopped the paxil...the cymbalta did not do much at first. And then it actually made me worse, much worse. It caused me to go into a depression. It made my heart feel/beat funny..so now I am anxious and depressed and convinced once again that I am having a heart attack...
The psych dr then gives me buspar to add to the cymbalta and changed my xanax to extended release..I decided against the extended release xanax and the buspar made me soo sick that I stopped that. I then weaned off the cymbalta and started on 10 mg of lexapro. The lexapro gave me headaches at first and gave me the sweats and I gained weight. But I started feeling better. I was having days that the lump was not in my throat and that I did not wake up in a panic attack. I actually was able to go out to eat.
The first time I went out to eat was for lunch with my husband. We went to a chinese buffett. I had not been out to eat for probably 2 years or more. It was very nice to go out. Over the following weeks I went out a few more times but I was still having a few panic attacks a week. The panic attacks that I have are very very strong ones. I would have to take enough xanax to almost knock me out. They could last hours and hours and be one after the other and sometimes I would be worn out for days from them.
The dr decided to increase the lexapro to 20mg...I started on 20mg and the headaches started again but I was dedicated to sticking with it and was going to try it no matter what.
At first I got worse...the anxiety increased but I was assured that it was normal.
2 weeks after increasing the dose I started feeling better.
I gained quite a few pounds on the lexapro but I was able to lower my dose of xanax.
I started being able to take the kids to an indoor play area. As long as it was not crowded I was doing better.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Ramblings continued
While at the hospital I got cat scans, xrays. I was poked, prodded etc and nothing showed up. First it was thought to be an infection in the lining of my heart since my white blood cell count was up and I had just had dental work and I had a heart murmor( the dental work and heart murmer combined can cause a fatal heart infection). It was not that though as my heart looked fine on the CT scan...
The dr wrote me a prescription for xanax so I could relax...
I thought that was the end of whatever was going on.
I spent the next 2 days feeling somewhat better but still out of sorts. I was home monday with just my youngest child. I could feel it starting again. The same feeling the same pain. I called my husband at work and he came home. I was a total mess and thought I was dying....I kept telling my husband I was so scared. I finally gave in and took a xanax and was able to feel a bit better.
The next morning I was very sick( in hindsight the flu like symptoms were probably withdrawl from my pain pills that I stopped taking because I thought maybe they were causing a problem). I was shaky and felt awful. My husband was home from work and we went to the dr. He ordered more tests and a specialist to see me for my choking feeling. He thought maybe I had hodgkins lymphoma and the choking feeling was from an enlarged lymph node. So...now I am even more scared. I go home and look up signs and symptoms on the internet and have convinced myself I am truly dying...
I will shorten the next few weeks up a bit...I ended up getting 6 rounds of lab work..my sed rate was EXTREMLY high..which of course made me truly believe I had some fatal ailment. I had more ct scans..I went to an ENT specialist and had an optic scope put down my nose to see into me. I went to a rhematologist who confirmed that the high sed rate was probably just from inflammation from my fibro and other arthritic type issues and not a deadly disease.
So, now I was assured that I was not dying. But I still felt awful. I could not breath. I would pace back and forth. I still was convinced that I had something fatal that was not showing up. I was obsessed with any sign or symptom...I checked my pulse 10000 times a day. I listened to my heart and lungs. I would do various other tests on myself as well. I also started getting tingling in my feet..so now I figure I have MS...so off to the neurologist I go...probably not MS..but I have periphular neuropathy..painful, but not fatal..
I guess I dont have any terrible disease...but I was miserable every single day. My WORST symptom was the feeling that I was choking...sometimes it would last night and day for weeks at a time...but it finally had a name. I was diagnosed with GLOBUS HYSTERICUS...the only thing that somewhat made it feel better was xanax..but even that did not totally take away this feeling that I was choking. Oh..I forgot the part that I was also prescribed aciphex and then nexium because the dr thought the feeling may have been reflux..but the meds did not help at all..
So...now at this point I refused...REFUSED...to live life feeling this way forever..the regular dr did not have much left to offer me...I did not know what to do. I gave in and called a psychiatrist...this was the best thing I have done...
The dr wrote me a prescription for xanax so I could relax...
I thought that was the end of whatever was going on.
I spent the next 2 days feeling somewhat better but still out of sorts. I was home monday with just my youngest child. I could feel it starting again. The same feeling the same pain. I called my husband at work and he came home. I was a total mess and thought I was dying....I kept telling my husband I was so scared. I finally gave in and took a xanax and was able to feel a bit better.
The next morning I was very sick( in hindsight the flu like symptoms were probably withdrawl from my pain pills that I stopped taking because I thought maybe they were causing a problem). I was shaky and felt awful. My husband was home from work and we went to the dr. He ordered more tests and a specialist to see me for my choking feeling. He thought maybe I had hodgkins lymphoma and the choking feeling was from an enlarged lymph node. So...now I am even more scared. I go home and look up signs and symptoms on the internet and have convinced myself I am truly dying...
I will shorten the next few weeks up a bit...I ended up getting 6 rounds of lab work..my sed rate was EXTREMLY high..which of course made me truly believe I had some fatal ailment. I had more ct scans..I went to an ENT specialist and had an optic scope put down my nose to see into me. I went to a rhematologist who confirmed that the high sed rate was probably just from inflammation from my fibro and other arthritic type issues and not a deadly disease.
So, now I was assured that I was not dying. But I still felt awful. I could not breath. I would pace back and forth. I still was convinced that I had something fatal that was not showing up. I was obsessed with any sign or symptom...I checked my pulse 10000 times a day. I listened to my heart and lungs. I would do various other tests on myself as well. I also started getting tingling in my feet..so now I figure I have MS...so off to the neurologist I go...probably not MS..but I have periphular neuropathy..painful, but not fatal..
I guess I dont have any terrible disease...but I was miserable every single day. My WORST symptom was the feeling that I was choking...sometimes it would last night and day for weeks at a time...but it finally had a name. I was diagnosed with GLOBUS HYSTERICUS...the only thing that somewhat made it feel better was xanax..but even that did not totally take away this feeling that I was choking. Oh..I forgot the part that I was also prescribed aciphex and then nexium because the dr thought the feeling may have been reflux..but the meds did not help at all..
So...now at this point I refused...REFUSED...to live life feeling this way forever..the regular dr did not have much left to offer me...I did not know what to do. I gave in and called a psychiatrist...this was the best thing I have done...
Saturday, November 05, 2005
Lunatic Ramblings...
This is a story I have been working on for a long time. I was not sure where else to write it so am using a blog site. If you are reading this, I have either invited you to see it so consider yourself a person I feel comfortable sharing with, or you have stumbled upon this blog while surfing the internet. Either way...here it is. Some of this is pieced together and copy and pasted from journal entrys I was keeping as I went along...
If some of these does not make sense I guess it is because it was not meant to...or maybe I just dont make sense..
A bit of background...I was always very active, very funny, outgoing. I was a very hardworker. I worked my way up from not even graduating high school and being a teen mom to 2 kids to having 2 degrees, working as a nurse and respiratory therapist. Completing advanced cardiac life support courses, taking classes to teach acls and more. I was very ambitious and never quite thought I would be done with school. There was always *something more* I wanted to do.
I worked for a certain hospital for about 5 years and enjoyed that job very much. I had lots of friends and knew what I was doing. Due to budgets and hospital cutbacks I was laid off. Around this time I also started not wanting to go out and do things. I turned down invitations to parties, weddings etc...I always had an excuse.
I applied for other jobs and was hired right away...but I just could not feel comfortable at a new job. I worked at one medical job for a few weeks but I could not sleep and was sick and a mess. The job was very stressful and I just could no handle it. I quit. I then sort of wandered from one job to the next over the matter of a few months. I FINALLY found one that was perfect for me. I did not have tons of patients to care for at one time. The other nurses and staff were great and I felt like I fit right in. Again, after a few months due to budgets the facility closed and I was left looking for another job.
At this point I just did not want to work anymore. This was odd for me because I loved to work. But we did not think much of it. We wanted another baby and I wanted to stay home anyways. I was also having issues at this time with pain. I had lots of pain in my neck, back, shoulders, actually I hurt just about all over..I had various tests and it was found that I had fibromyalgia. I was given a few medications to take. I also had a few other health issues that co-exist with the fibro..IBS, interstitial cystitis, poor sleep..and the list goes on.
At this point I started withdrawing a bit more from the outside. I was fine at home and nobody knew anything was going on. But I always had an excuse why I did not want to go somewhere....my husband is great and went along with it.
It took a few years to get pregnant and the baby did not survive..we decided we would not have anymore children....3 months later I was pregnant again and an emotional mess that something would happen to this baby...with the help of progesterone supplements and great prenatal care I ended up doing fine. At the end though I was having weird heartbeats, shakes and sweats..at the time they thought it was maybe blood pressure problems or something related to the pregnancy. In hindsight I think it was minor anxiety attacks from me being so worried my baby would be still born or something else would go wrong.
When the baby was 7 weeks old I went to the dr for the pain I was in...I explained to him all that was going on and he told me again that it was fibro and that I also had a social anxiety disorder. He wanted to medicate me then for it but I was breastfeeding and was still in denial that anything major was wrong..so what that I was not social....my husband and I even joked about it that I was going to be known as the old hermit that lived on the hill..
as the next year or so went on I was in more and more pain and was on daily pain pills. I also was much less social...to the point that there were times that months would pass and I would not leave the house..again I had an excuse for all of it. I homeschooled my 3rd child so I would not have to take him to school. The older 2 kids took busses to school. My husband did all the shopping and all the other errands...
I started shopping online so I would not have to go out.
Still I did not think much of this..
July 2004 I started not feeling well. I often felt shaky. Sometimes my heart felt funny. I thought maybe it was problems like low blood sugar so I would eat and sometimes I felt better. I just did not quite feel right. About August 9th I started having a feeling like there was a lump in my throat....very bothersome. Then...the worst thing ever..
August 12th 2004...I was standing in the kitchen talking to my husband and all of a sudden I could not breath. I was icy cold, shaking. My chest hurt. I had a huge lump in my throat. I felt like I was suffocating and having a heart attack at the same time. I told my husband something is wrong. He took one look at me and said we better go to the hospital. I agreed...this scared him because I never agree to let him take me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital it was getting worse, I was feeling faint and nauseous and could not catch my breath. My youngest 2 kids were in the car and I was crying telling my husband I was sorry that I was leaving him because I really thought I was going to die and leave him to raise the kids.
We got to the hospital and they started an iv, drew blood, took urine, hooked me up to the monitors. My heartrate was through the roof and so was my blood pressure.
If some of these does not make sense I guess it is because it was not meant to...or maybe I just dont make sense..
A bit of background...I was always very active, very funny, outgoing. I was a very hardworker. I worked my way up from not even graduating high school and being a teen mom to 2 kids to having 2 degrees, working as a nurse and respiratory therapist. Completing advanced cardiac life support courses, taking classes to teach acls and more. I was very ambitious and never quite thought I would be done with school. There was always *something more* I wanted to do.
I worked for a certain hospital for about 5 years and enjoyed that job very much. I had lots of friends and knew what I was doing. Due to budgets and hospital cutbacks I was laid off. Around this time I also started not wanting to go out and do things. I turned down invitations to parties, weddings etc...I always had an excuse.
I applied for other jobs and was hired right away...but I just could not feel comfortable at a new job. I worked at one medical job for a few weeks but I could not sleep and was sick and a mess. The job was very stressful and I just could no handle it. I quit. I then sort of wandered from one job to the next over the matter of a few months. I FINALLY found one that was perfect for me. I did not have tons of patients to care for at one time. The other nurses and staff were great and I felt like I fit right in. Again, after a few months due to budgets the facility closed and I was left looking for another job.
At this point I just did not want to work anymore. This was odd for me because I loved to work. But we did not think much of it. We wanted another baby and I wanted to stay home anyways. I was also having issues at this time with pain. I had lots of pain in my neck, back, shoulders, actually I hurt just about all over..I had various tests and it was found that I had fibromyalgia. I was given a few medications to take. I also had a few other health issues that co-exist with the fibro..IBS, interstitial cystitis, poor sleep..and the list goes on.
At this point I started withdrawing a bit more from the outside. I was fine at home and nobody knew anything was going on. But I always had an excuse why I did not want to go somewhere....my husband is great and went along with it.
It took a few years to get pregnant and the baby did not survive..we decided we would not have anymore children....3 months later I was pregnant again and an emotional mess that something would happen to this baby...with the help of progesterone supplements and great prenatal care I ended up doing fine. At the end though I was having weird heartbeats, shakes and sweats..at the time they thought it was maybe blood pressure problems or something related to the pregnancy. In hindsight I think it was minor anxiety attacks from me being so worried my baby would be still born or something else would go wrong.
When the baby was 7 weeks old I went to the dr for the pain I was in...I explained to him all that was going on and he told me again that it was fibro and that I also had a social anxiety disorder. He wanted to medicate me then for it but I was breastfeeding and was still in denial that anything major was wrong..so what that I was not social....my husband and I even joked about it that I was going to be known as the old hermit that lived on the hill..
as the next year or so went on I was in more and more pain and was on daily pain pills. I also was much less social...to the point that there were times that months would pass and I would not leave the house..again I had an excuse for all of it. I homeschooled my 3rd child so I would not have to take him to school. The older 2 kids took busses to school. My husband did all the shopping and all the other errands...
I started shopping online so I would not have to go out.
Still I did not think much of this..
July 2004 I started not feeling well. I often felt shaky. Sometimes my heart felt funny. I thought maybe it was problems like low blood sugar so I would eat and sometimes I felt better. I just did not quite feel right. About August 9th I started having a feeling like there was a lump in my throat....very bothersome. Then...the worst thing ever..
August 12th 2004...I was standing in the kitchen talking to my husband and all of a sudden I could not breath. I was icy cold, shaking. My chest hurt. I had a huge lump in my throat. I felt like I was suffocating and having a heart attack at the same time. I told my husband something is wrong. He took one look at me and said we better go to the hospital. I agreed...this scared him because I never agree to let him take me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital it was getting worse, I was feeling faint and nauseous and could not catch my breath. My youngest 2 kids were in the car and I was crying telling my husband I was sorry that I was leaving him because I really thought I was going to die and leave him to raise the kids.
We got to the hospital and they started an iv, drew blood, took urine, hooked me up to the monitors. My heartrate was through the roof and so was my blood pressure.
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