another week....nothing new

Another week has gone by. Nothing new is going on. I have been feeling really guilty recently about me not being able to do the things with my kids that I would really like to do. When I had my first 3 kids I was always busy with my own schooling and work and trying to work my way up etc. On my days off I was busy studying or catching up on everything that needed to be done for the week.
When I had Sterling and knew that I was not going to go back to work I was so excited that I could be one of the stay at home moms that I was always so jealous of. I had some problems with anxiety right after he was born. Mostly worried that something was wrong with him, he was not getting enough breastmilk, he was too hot, too cold etc. The way I was worried it was worse then being a first time mom. I just had been wanting another child for years and it seemed so hard for it to happen that I was worried that something would go wrong. After he got to be about 9 months old I started feeling better about things. He was thriving and chunky and sooo cute lol. When he was one I started taking him to a few places. We went to the play area in the mall and that sort of thing. When he was closer to 2 we really started trying to get out. I joined the moms club and would go when I felt up to it. We met at the park. I took him to a few craft days at the craft store. I took him to toddler bowling at the bowling alley, story time at bookstores, the indoor jumping castle place etc I was just really starting to enjoy the things that I had always wanted to do with a child....of course none of it lasted very long. He turned 2 the end of April and then I had my first major panic attack mid august. So he was not even 2 1/2 years old when everything seemed to change for me.
I keep trying to get back into taking the kids places but I just can not seem to do it. There is a little park a few streets over and I am usually fine to go there. But, I just feel so guilty that they are stuck at home with me. I want to take them places. I want to start them in swim lessons soon. I have plans to do these things and then when it gets closer to taking them I just start to panic. I just wish we had a few kids in the neighborhood that were about Sterlings age so they could come over and play with him. Curtis is a very solitary type of guy and can do his own thing all day and have fun on his own. BUT, Sterling is a very social energetic type of kid and he needs to be around other people. Ray does take them out. They go for their special boys night out dinner every other Thursday. Ray takes them out to the store and out for donuts. But it is not the same as me taking them places. I need to make goals for myself instead of just sitting here waiting for things to happen. I will never get out if I do not start forcing myself some. I have been chatting online with a few people who live locally and I have never met them. One is into sewing the same sorts of things I sew and we have emailed a few times about fabric and stuff and she invited me to meet her for coffee...I have not emailed her back. I want to go but I do not want to make plans and then flake out on her. I also found a group on yahoo that is a group for our area for unschooled kids and they meet for park day and one of the gals lives on this side of town and has a son close in age to Curtis and he has the same interests has curtis. She invited us over to her house to meet her and for the kids to meet...again I really want to go but I just do not know what to do.
I think I need to start small...maybe I will take the boys during a slow time of the day ( not lunch or dinner time) over to mcdonalds for a snack and let them play at the indoor play area. Then maybe the following week I can take them to the library while all the other kids are in school. We can sit down in the kids area and play a game or two and pick out some books. All of this sounds great now...but when it comes time to do it I have excuses....It really is not fair...
The summer is coming and there are always fun activities in the summer. I want my kids to have fun and enjoy being a kid and not have to worry about their mom freaking out in the middle of a store lol...I really should not complain. It could be much worse. I am lucky that Ray is home a good amount of the time and when summer comes he will take off an extra day every week and so he will only have to work 2 days a week so really the kids are very lucky to have a dad who is around so much and is so involved in their daily lifes. I wish I had a dad like him..

Onto my crafting news lol. I have crocheted 7 hats/beanie newborn ones with cute little flowers on them. I am thinking I will donate them. I also found another really cool charity that I want to be involved in. It is a charity that supplies pads to girls in Africa. I never really thought before about what life would be like if I did not have easy access to pads, tampons, diva cup etc...Some of the girls in Africa can not go to school during their periods because they do not have pads. There is a charity that is having people sew cloth pads to be sent there. This is great because they will have pads that they can use over and over and not have to worry about running out or not having a supply for each month. Also, cloth pads will not cause the trash problems that disposable ones would. Most of their trash they get rid of by burning but disposable pads have plastic in them and burning them would not be a good idea. I am going to sew some pads to donate to the charity. I have not decided how many I will sew yet. As soon as I get a pattern drawn up and sew the first one or two then I will be able to decide how many I can commit to sewing. I am thinking probably at least 20 of them or so. It mostly depends on if I can find some cheap PUL to buy ( that is the waterproof layer in cloth pads). I have tons and tons of other fabric but no pul...I am glad that I can sew some of these and hopefully help out a few girls.