Thinking of how lucky I am

I have spent the past few days feeling sorry for myself. Being upset that I have been in so much pain, that my house is a mess, that I am overweight, that I can not seem to get anything done etc. Tonight I was just sitting here thinking about what my life was like 15-20 years ago..wow that sounds like a long time ago lol. I am 37 now. When I was 16 I got married for the first time. It was a very bad relationship. There were so many things wrong with our marriage that it is surprising it lasted as long as it did, almost 7 years. I think about how lucky I am now to have the husband I have, the house I have, the income etc as well as other things like having enough food in the house, being able to pay our electric bill. I was sitting here before complaining about how unorganized my house is, how it is not decorated, how it is messy etc and then I compared it to some of the places I lived when I was married to M...there were times that we were very close to being homeless and there was a time that we lived in a house that should have been condemned. It had no flooring, it was just dirt. Most of the house was made up of old ammo crates and had clothing stuck in between them to seal up the uneven areas and then it had some plaster over it which was cracking and falling apart. We had no plumbing to the kitchen sink, we had to put a big bucket underneath the sink so when we washed dishes the water would just go into the bucket and then we had to go dump the bucket. Some of the windows were boarded up. We had cockroaches so bad that I was scared to walk around with no shoes on. At night you could hear them moving around. After I thought about that for awhile it totally put things into perspective for me. I have a great life now. I have an easy life now. My husband takes care of me and makes sure I have everything I need. He would never treat me badly and he shows me daily that he loves me. He is a wonderful father and the kids love him. I can not even imagine having to live the way I used to. I sometimes wonder how I made it through. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday and then other times it feels like it was a lifetime ago.
I need to be grateful for what I have instead of longing for what I do not have. I am very lucky and need to keep reminding myself that. Even though I have my mental and physical issues I still have much to be happy about.
15-20 years ago I sometimes daydream about my future. About getting out of the mess I was in. I would dream about being with a man that I love ( and one that did not beat me up like M. used to) I would dream about being able to go to the store and having money to buy stuff for the kids.
I remember a time when I was pregnant with J. and we were so broke. I worked tons at a nursing home as a cna my entire pregnancy. I could not buy any cute maternity clothes, I could not buy cute things for the baby. I had no nursery to decorate, no baby shower etc I hardly knew how I could afford to feed him. When I would go to my prenatal visits I would be in the waiting room with other woman who were so happy to be pregnant. They had their husbands with them. They had cute maternity clothing and were glowing with happiness. I was in some stretched out old sweatpants and a mans tshirt and looked worn out from having just worked 12 hour night shifts. I would sit in the waiting room and wish that it was me that had a loving husband with me at my dr visit and that I could take a maternity leave and have a baby shower and do all those fun things. Never in my dreams did I actually think it would happen. I felt like I would be stuck in that life forever.
Now, I am that woman with a loving husband. I sometimes forget just how much worse things can be. Sometimes I start wanting more...but then I realize that what I have now is more...much much more and that I need to be thankful for what I have instead of wishing for things I do not need.
I really need to make it a priority to take the time to show my family how much I appreciate them and how much they mean to me. This evening I did tell R. what a great husband he was and how much he meant to me and he told me that he really felt good hearing it. That made me realize that I do not say it enough. I am going to work hard on seeing the positive side of things. I think that will bring me a new outlook on things. To appreciate what I do have and not waste my time desiring things that I do not have.