My dad

I have never felt close to my dad. I do care about him and love him because he is my dad but I never had very strong feelings for him in any other way. When I was younger I was not close to hi because he was mean and I was scared of him most of the time. He believed in spanking and it was not just a spank or two. It was a huge ordeal of him screaming and yelling and then spanking over and over again...he even bragged that he would spank us over and over in the same spot to make sure it hurt. His opinion was always right no matter what. There was no changing his opinion on anything. His opinions were often stupid and were based on some stupid thing that he believed to be true. He was judgmental about all my friends and always had something rude to say about them. He would say things about how my friends dressed, the makeup they wore, how their parents raised them etc and most of the time he had no idea what he was even talking about and was just talking out his ass and proving that whatever he said was right. He loved to have power trips and tell us NO just because he could. He had stupid sayings that he would say over and over...and had stupid things that we were not allowed to say. We were not allowed to use the word hate because he said it was too strong of a word...We were not allowed to say that anybody was bad..like I could not say my brother was bad...I had to say my brother did bad things...this was just something my dad insisted on. He had this theory that if we said somebode was bad that it would make them start believing they were bad and then they would become bad ( ?????) made no sense to me then nor now. There were quite a few other things that we could not say. Another one was the word sorry....we could not say we were sorry because according to him it meant that we deserved to be punished...but instead we were supposed to say I apologize...made no sense to me then nor now...The worst part was not only did he make my brother and I obey these things but if friends were over he would insist they same from them. His words were this is his house and things will be done his way in his house...
Even with all the bad, the one thing I always did believe was that my dad was tough. He suffered from many different health problems but he always got better even when the doctors were not sure if he would. One of his kidneys shut down when he was 18, he had 1/2 a lung removed, his heart has been failing for many years, he had several detached retina surgeries and the list goes on and on. But, he always was tough and we used to call him a tough old bird. Sadly I think he is not tough anymore and that he is going downhill and I am not sure how much longer he will be around.
Even though I do not have that deep love for him that some girls have for their fathers, I know he does love me and always has and he does always say how much he loves me and how proud he is etc.
I sat here in my living room today and looked out my window. The handi-car drove up next door to pick my dad up for a dr appt....my tough dad has not even been able to drive for a few months. I heard the handi car beep its horn and I looked out the window to see if my dad was coming out of the house. I was very very sad at what I saw. I knew my dads health has been failing but I guess I just did not notice how much he has deteriorated. I saw him come out of his house and he had his walker. He moved so slowly that it took him almost 5 minutes to get over to the car. He was weak and hunched over. He could hardly get into the car. He needed help getting his legs into the car. I do not know why but just the site of this made me sad...sad that this tough old bird is not so tough anymore...and sad that I have missed out on the feelings for my father that other people have for theirs.
I wish that I could have the type of parents that other people have. The ones where I can share stuff with and we can act like a family and do things together. I guess there is nothing I can do about it except to make sure that I am the kind of parent to my kids that I always wish my parents were to me.

another week....nothing new

Another week has gone by. Nothing new is going on. I have been feeling really guilty recently about me not being able to do the things with my kids that I would really like to do. When I had my first 3 kids I was always busy with my own schooling and work and trying to work my way up etc. On my days off I was busy studying or catching up on everything that needed to be done for the week.
When I had Sterling and knew that I was not going to go back to work I was so excited that I could be one of the stay at home moms that I was always so jealous of. I had some problems with anxiety right after he was born. Mostly worried that something was wrong with him, he was not getting enough breastmilk, he was too hot, too cold etc. The way I was worried it was worse then being a first time mom. I just had been wanting another child for years and it seemed so hard for it to happen that I was worried that something would go wrong. After he got to be about 9 months old I started feeling better about things. He was thriving and chunky and sooo cute lol. When he was one I started taking him to a few places. We went to the play area in the mall and that sort of thing. When he was closer to 2 we really started trying to get out. I joined the moms club and would go when I felt up to it. We met at the park. I took him to a few craft days at the craft store. I took him to toddler bowling at the bowling alley, story time at bookstores, the indoor jumping castle place etc I was just really starting to enjoy the things that I had always wanted to do with a child....of course none of it lasted very long. He turned 2 the end of April and then I had my first major panic attack mid august. So he was not even 2 1/2 years old when everything seemed to change for me.
I keep trying to get back into taking the kids places but I just can not seem to do it. There is a little park a few streets over and I am usually fine to go there. But, I just feel so guilty that they are stuck at home with me. I want to take them places. I want to start them in swim lessons soon. I have plans to do these things and then when it gets closer to taking them I just start to panic. I just wish we had a few kids in the neighborhood that were about Sterlings age so they could come over and play with him. Curtis is a very solitary type of guy and can do his own thing all day and have fun on his own. BUT, Sterling is a very social energetic type of kid and he needs to be around other people. Ray does take them out. They go for their special boys night out dinner every other Thursday. Ray takes them out to the store and out for donuts. But it is not the same as me taking them places. I need to make goals for myself instead of just sitting here waiting for things to happen. I will never get out if I do not start forcing myself some. I have been chatting online with a few people who live locally and I have never met them. One is into sewing the same sorts of things I sew and we have emailed a few times about fabric and stuff and she invited me to meet her for coffee...I have not emailed her back. I want to go but I do not want to make plans and then flake out on her. I also found a group on yahoo that is a group for our area for unschooled kids and they meet for park day and one of the gals lives on this side of town and has a son close in age to Curtis and he has the same interests has curtis. She invited us over to her house to meet her and for the kids to meet...again I really want to go but I just do not know what to do.
I think I need to start small...maybe I will take the boys during a slow time of the day ( not lunch or dinner time) over to mcdonalds for a snack and let them play at the indoor play area. Then maybe the following week I can take them to the library while all the other kids are in school. We can sit down in the kids area and play a game or two and pick out some books. All of this sounds great now...but when it comes time to do it I have excuses....It really is not fair...
The summer is coming and there are always fun activities in the summer. I want my kids to have fun and enjoy being a kid and not have to worry about their mom freaking out in the middle of a store lol...I really should not complain. It could be much worse. I am lucky that Ray is home a good amount of the time and when summer comes he will take off an extra day every week and so he will only have to work 2 days a week so really the kids are very lucky to have a dad who is around so much and is so involved in their daily lifes. I wish I had a dad like him..

Onto my crafting news lol. I have crocheted 7 hats/beanie newborn ones with cute little flowers on them. I am thinking I will donate them. I also found another really cool charity that I want to be involved in. It is a charity that supplies pads to girls in Africa. I never really thought before about what life would be like if I did not have easy access to pads, tampons, diva cup etc...Some of the girls in Africa can not go to school during their periods because they do not have pads. There is a charity that is having people sew cloth pads to be sent there. This is great because they will have pads that they can use over and over and not have to worry about running out or not having a supply for each month. Also, cloth pads will not cause the trash problems that disposable ones would. Most of their trash they get rid of by burning but disposable pads have plastic in them and burning them would not be a good idea. I am going to sew some pads to donate to the charity. I have not decided how many I will sew yet. As soon as I get a pattern drawn up and sew the first one or two then I will be able to decide how many I can commit to sewing. I am thinking probably at least 20 of them or so. It mostly depends on if I can find some cheap PUL to buy ( that is the waterproof layer in cloth pads). I have tons and tons of other fabric but no pul...I am glad that I can sew some of these and hopefully help out a few girls.

It is the little things

I have always known that some of the best things in life are the smallest. A smile, a gentle touch, a kind word. They all have the ability to make a difference in someones day. Maybe you smiled at somebody who was having an awful day and it was enough to make the person feel better and know they are not alone. You would not even know how much your kind words may mean to somebody.
Today we went to the park. It was a nice day out and I was feeling good and figured a quick trip to the park would be good. I took Sterling and Curtis. Sterling ran off to play with other kids and Curtis sat by my side. He is shy and often feels like he does not fit in. He was waiting to see if there were other kids around his age to play with. He did not see any. After a few moments he saw a teenage girl and her brother playing basketball. Curtis has NEVER played basketball. For some reason Curtis wanted to go ask them if he could play. When he told me this my heart tightened up. People are cruel and because Curtis is different due to his aspergers I just was thinking they would laugh at him or be mean to him. I tried to tell Curtis maybe he could just play with his brother. But he was insistent on asking if he could go play basketball. I was proud of him that he wanted to ask because normally he is too shy to even do that. Well...he went over and asked and they welcomed him into their playing. They were patient with Curtis when he dribbled the ball with both hands and when he would pick up the ball and walk instead of dribbling the ball. They encouraged him to throw the ball and taught him where the out of bounds lines were and how to pass the ball. I sat nearby and watched. It may not have seemed like a big deal to somebody else but for me it brought tears to my eyes. Curtis playing happily just like the other kids. They gave him a chance to play. Curtis is the kindest most gentle person I have ever known. He cries when a bird is hurt. He just can not seem to fit in though. That is fine with me because I love him just the way he is but sometimes it is nice to see the kindness of others. I am sure the teenage girl and her brother have already forgotten my sons name and they probably do not realize how much it meant to Curtis and me that they let him play but for me it is something that seems like a little thing to others but really was a big thing to us.
Curtis is still talking about how fun it was and how he wants his dad to buy a basketball and take him to the park so they can play. Maybe he will never play again or maybe this was just the start of him enjoying to play but it was a big step for Curtis to step outside his comfort zone and by them being nice and kind to him it showed him that there are people who will take the time to be nice.

OCD is not a joke

I have heard people joking about OCD. How it is funny how obsessive compulsive somebody is. It is likened to somebody being anal about stuff. I have a great sense of humor and can find the humor in myself and in my OCD but really it is not a fun thing to deal with.
OCD can range in what kinds of things it makes people do. The obsessive part makes people think thoughts over and over and the compulsive part is what makes people perform rituals like hand washing, checking the door locks etc. Some people with OCD have both of these and some only have one. I have both but for me the compulsive part is pretty mild. It is the obsessive thoughts that consume me at times.
My compulsive symptoms are mostly having to have things on the coffee table all facing one direction, not having any specks of stuff on the carpet, all the pillows on the couch facing the same way, checking and rechecking that I actually hung up the phone etc..just various things like that but I can fight the urges and get through it for a bit. It is nothing like some people have where they have to perform rituals like counting how many times they touch something or having to wash their hands over and over.
It is not fun to have a thought in my head and then not be able to focus on anything else. It is almost as if the thought takes up my entire brain and I can not do anything else except think of this crazy thought.
I am working on it and have gotten better at being able to replace these crazy negative thoughts with other thoughts.

copied from my crafty blog

I was able to copy stuff from my crafty/sewing blog..well, I think I was. Lets see if this works.
Ok..it worked but I did not like the way it looked at all. An entire blog of posts all shoved in under one post.
So...you can go see my previous posts at my craft blog here http://saycanyousew.blogspot.com/
But, from now on I will just be posting all my posts here on this blog..

Sharing

When I first started this blog...a few years ago, I had kept it anonymous. I kept this blog to post about my mental illness and my feelings. I then had another blog on yahoo 360 that I posted about my family and other fun stuff I wanted to share. Then I started another blog on blogger that was to share my crafting and sewing projects. I have been thinking recently that this is rather silly. I used to think that people who wanted to see my sewing blog or my fun family blog maybe did not want to be bothered by reading about my mental problems. Then I also figured that people who wanted to read this blog maybe did not want to read about my crafting and other stuff. But, each blog is just a part of the story. I am all the blogs put together and it seems silly for me to continue to keep them separate. My main thoughts on this are that I am not ashamed of my mental problems and I hope that maybe by me sharing and showing that it is no less a part of my life then my crafts and my family that maybe others will see that it is not a subject that needs to be hidden or only shared anonymously.
I am not sure if I can somehow combine my 2 blogger blogs. I will check into that. This is the place that I will continue my blogging though even if I can not combine blogs. I will just start using this blog for all the stuff I post.

A pretty good day

Today was a pretty good stress free day. I did not do much of anything.
I forgot to post about my dr appt on friday. The good news is that the dr does not think my terrible arm and shoulder pain is nerve pain from neuropathy or a pinched nerve. He is pretty sure that I have a bad case of tendonitis in the tendon that runs from the back of my shoulder down my bicep and to my elbow. That is why I am having pain throughout the entire area and why it feels like a burning cramping. He gave me a prescription for a NSAID and I have to go get an xray this week. I also have to ice it for 20 minutes every hour and try to rest my arm. I need to call tomorrow and make an appt with the orthopedist arm specialist and see about getting cortisone injections into that area to help speed up the healing. Otherwise according to my dr. this could take a fair amount of time to totally get better. I have no idea what I did to injure my arm...and I wish that it was not causing me pain but I am glad that it is not nerve pain. At least this pain will heal and go away unlike nerve pain.
Last night I had one of the most wonderful baths. I used to love to take a bath but lately just do not take the time to do so. I take a shower instead since it is easier and faster. But, I miss a nice soak in the tub. A sweet sweet online friend sent me some stuff from the LUSH store. If you have not heard of lush you are missing out. We do not have a lush store locally and shipping from the online lush site is so high that I have not ordered from the but I have looked at the stuff over and over and drooled at some of it lol. Well, an online friend J. lives near a lush store and she offered to pick me up some stuff. She sent me a box of goodies the other day and OMG I am in heaven. Bubble bars, bath fizzies, body and hair wash etc. So, last night AND the night before I had a nice long soak in my jacuzzi bath tub. I started thinking about why I did not do this more often. I just felt like it was too much trouble. But...why?? I run the tub and clean the tub for the kids to take a bath. I need to start taking the time for myself to do things that I enjoy. Now I just need to get a bath caddy that holds a book and other goodies and I will be set. My friend went back to lush yesterday and I had her pick me up a few more things. A shampoo bar, a jungle hair conditioner bar,candy fluff dusting powder and I am not sure what else...she will ship it to me and I will anxiously check the mail each day.
I am trying not to feel guilty about spending the money on myself...I am sure there are a bunch of other things much more practical that we could use...like new towels, new kitchen utensils, a new can opener etc...but none of them will make me feel anywhere near as good as buying these yummy smelling bath goodies for myself. Ya know the saying....if mama aint happy....aint nobody happy....so I will just justify the goodies by saying they are good for the happiness of the entire family hehe.

Thinking of how lucky I am

I have spent the past few days feeling sorry for myself. Being upset that I have been in so much pain, that my house is a mess, that I am overweight, that I can not seem to get anything done etc. Tonight I was just sitting here thinking about what my life was like 15-20 years ago..wow that sounds like a long time ago lol. I am 37 now. When I was 16 I got married for the first time. It was a very bad relationship. There were so many things wrong with our marriage that it is surprising it lasted as long as it did, almost 7 years. I think about how lucky I am now to have the husband I have, the house I have, the income etc as well as other things like having enough food in the house, being able to pay our electric bill. I was sitting here before complaining about how unorganized my house is, how it is not decorated, how it is messy etc and then I compared it to some of the places I lived when I was married to M...there were times that we were very close to being homeless and there was a time that we lived in a house that should have been condemned. It had no flooring, it was just dirt. Most of the house was made up of old ammo crates and had clothing stuck in between them to seal up the uneven areas and then it had some plaster over it which was cracking and falling apart. We had no plumbing to the kitchen sink, we had to put a big bucket underneath the sink so when we washed dishes the water would just go into the bucket and then we had to go dump the bucket. Some of the windows were boarded up. We had cockroaches so bad that I was scared to walk around with no shoes on. At night you could hear them moving around. After I thought about that for awhile it totally put things into perspective for me. I have a great life now. I have an easy life now. My husband takes care of me and makes sure I have everything I need. He would never treat me badly and he shows me daily that he loves me. He is a wonderful father and the kids love him. I can not even imagine having to live the way I used to. I sometimes wonder how I made it through. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday and then other times it feels like it was a lifetime ago.
I need to be grateful for what I have instead of longing for what I do not have. I am very lucky and need to keep reminding myself that. Even though I have my mental and physical issues I still have much to be happy about.
15-20 years ago I sometimes daydream about my future. About getting out of the mess I was in. I would dream about being with a man that I love ( and one that did not beat me up like M. used to) I would dream about being able to go to the store and having money to buy stuff for the kids.
I remember a time when I was pregnant with J. and we were so broke. I worked tons at a nursing home as a cna my entire pregnancy. I could not buy any cute maternity clothes, I could not buy cute things for the baby. I had no nursery to decorate, no baby shower etc I hardly knew how I could afford to feed him. When I would go to my prenatal visits I would be in the waiting room with other woman who were so happy to be pregnant. They had their husbands with them. They had cute maternity clothing and were glowing with happiness. I was in some stretched out old sweatpants and a mans tshirt and looked worn out from having just worked 12 hour night shifts. I would sit in the waiting room and wish that it was me that had a loving husband with me at my dr visit and that I could take a maternity leave and have a baby shower and do all those fun things. Never in my dreams did I actually think it would happen. I felt like I would be stuck in that life forever.
Now, I am that woman with a loving husband. I sometimes forget just how much worse things can be. Sometimes I start wanting more...but then I realize that what I have now is more...much much more and that I need to be thankful for what I have instead of wishing for things I do not need.
I really need to make it a priority to take the time to show my family how much I appreciate them and how much they mean to me. This evening I did tell R. what a great husband he was and how much he meant to me and he told me that he really felt good hearing it. That made me realize that I do not say it enough. I am going to work hard on seeing the positive side of things. I think that will bring me a new outlook on things. To appreciate what I do have and not waste my time desiring things that I do not have.

Had a good day

Today was a good day. Thank goodness. I needed to get through today with out having any issues with panic or anxiety. I worried that if the same thing happened today that happened yesterday that it would cause a huge setback. I would then start anticipating that it would happen every day and then because I would be so caught up in worrying about it, it would happen.
According to my pysch doctor. The longer I go without a panic attack the better my chances are of not having one. That makes sense to me. When I go awhile without having one I start to gain confidence in myself and I stop focusing so much on my panic. I start thinking that my meds are working well and that I do not have to worry about having a panic attack again. I am really glad that my panic attack yesterday did not get so bad that it caused a setback. For me some panic breeds more panic and it is like a snowball effect. It is best if it just does not start at all.
I am still in tons of pain in my arm. I do not know what is wrong with it and I did not even think that it is possible that it is nerve pain. I have peripheral neuropathy in my feet and it is a very painful burning feeling...similar to what my arm has been feeling like. I do remember the dr saying that the neuropathy can occur in places other then my feet and now I am thinking maybe that is what this is. Just what I need...another permanent pain problem. But, I will say this...I will take physical pain any day over mental pain. I can deal with the physical stuff a lot better then the mental problems. I still say the worst symptom/problem that I have ever had is the globus hystericus that I get. The time that it lasted for a few months I really just wanted to die. It was awful.
Anyways, besides the pain today was a good day. The kids were good, the day was calm. The boys and I slept in. Hubby worked. K. brought in sub sandwhiches for us for lunch. I played with S. for quite awhile with a new alien toy he bought yesterday. It is toy that combines play dough and slime stuff lol..but, I do not mind the mess at all. I am just glad that I feel well enough to play and have fun. I know the boys realize that I am doing better. C has even said as much to me recently. I watched some tv. I have the 2nd season from Nip Tuck that I have out from netflix. I got some sewing done. The mobile dog grooming lady came by and groomed my dog. I did a minor amount of cleaning...just dishes and a bit of straightening up. I hung out online for awhile browsing some of the blogs that I like to read. So, basically a very easy day doing the things I like to do.
I was just thinking today about how far I have come in the past 3 years. I am so grateful for how I am doing now. I know I still complain and wish that I was better but in the grand scheme of things I am very happy with how I am doing now. I just never want to go back to how I was 3 years ago. I do not know how I even made it through.
I am also really grateful for all my online friends. It seems that recently that I have lost touch with some of them though. I know it is partially my fault because I need to be better at replying and keeping up with emails. I am going to make a point to do that. I feel lonely at times and know that I need to make sure to keep in touch with my friends. I think it is because of my friends that I have been doing so much better with my depression also. I also have met an online friend who understands what I am dealing with in regards to my panic/anxiety/agoraphobia. She deals with it as well. It really makes a big difference to know somebody else who has the same problems. It was nice to be able to email her yesterday when I was having my panic attack and know that she knew exactly what I was going through.
Well...I am glad today was a good day and I hope tomorrow is just as good.