Seems that this craziness runs in the family. Somebody drank some bad water some years down in the gene pool. Seems that everybody in the entire family has some sort of mental illness. My grandmother died in a mental hospital. My mother has extensive mental problems, my father has issues of his own but just will not admit them. My fathers issues played into how he parented us and he made our lifes miserable most of the time he was around. He always had a reason or excuse for what he did.
My aunt is mentally ill and has spent years in and out of the mental hospital. My cousin has problems as well but like my father she will not admit to them. My brother has problems. 3 of my 4 children so far show signs of problems. 2 of them are medicated already. My grandfather had anxiety issues and had agoraphobia so badly that he never even took the trash out because he did not go outside and when he died he had like 10 years of trash in his house. I remember when we were younger that he wanted us to call him every night at 5pm. He told us that if he did not answer then to call the ambulance because it meant something was wrong with him. We called him everyday at 5pm for many years, I did not realize until recently that he was probably thinking that he would die alone and nobody would know.
All of my relatives on my moms maternal side of her family is mentally ill. SOme more then others but all of them are diagnosed with something.
The thing is, most of them were diagnosed in their teens. My mom and aunt were mentally ill at a young age so I figured by the time I hit 30 I had lucked out..guess it was just waiting for the right time to pop up for me.
Looking back I had lots of signs and symptoms of mental problems growing up but just never came out about them. I had bouts of depression where I would write poems about killing or harming myself.
I also self harmed myself numerous times, sometimes to make myeslf feel better, sometimes for sympathy and love. I will make another post about my self harming as this post is getting rather long.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
Looking for a purpose
I have decided that part of why I am so depressed and anxious is because I feel like this is all there is to life. Suffering, grief, problems, pain etc. I feel like death is some scary event and is the end of everything. I started thinking that maybe if I thought about it differently then maybe it would not be so scary. I started thinking about the religious people who have faith that this is not all there is. That there is eternal life and that this is just a very small part of the entire scheme of things. Thier faith allows them to know that they will have more then just this life. I think if I knew that for sure, then I would not be so depressed or anxious about death.
I have OCD and my thoughts are all on death and dying and illness. I sometime go over in my head about what I will feel like when I am on my death bed, what will I feel what will I think. I focus on how I will die, who will be with me. It is not a good thing to think about and for me it is all in a negative view. If I could find a positive out of it, maybe I could stop worrying just a bit.
I have started meeting with a very very nice gal, we shall call her R lol.....just for her privacy. Well she is teaching me about the bible and about being saved. She is not pushy about it and I really want to learn. I have some devotionals that I am reading. I also found some really neat passages in Matthew that actually sound like they are talking about not worrying about things because there is a plan.
The last few days when I started to feel a panic attack coming on I would just think about my visits with R and try to focus on the fact that there is a plan and to just say to myself that if it is my time to go then that is fine..for some reason that has helped me relax a bit. To just go with the flow I guess. I figure there is no point in fighting it, if I am going to die then I guess I will not worry about it anymore.
I have OCD and my thoughts are all on death and dying and illness. I sometime go over in my head about what I will feel like when I am on my death bed, what will I feel what will I think. I focus on how I will die, who will be with me. It is not a good thing to think about and for me it is all in a negative view. If I could find a positive out of it, maybe I could stop worrying just a bit.
I have started meeting with a very very nice gal, we shall call her R lol.....just for her privacy. Well she is teaching me about the bible and about being saved. She is not pushy about it and I really want to learn. I have some devotionals that I am reading. I also found some really neat passages in Matthew that actually sound like they are talking about not worrying about things because there is a plan.
The last few days when I started to feel a panic attack coming on I would just think about my visits with R and try to focus on the fact that there is a plan and to just say to myself that if it is my time to go then that is fine..for some reason that has helped me relax a bit. To just go with the flow I guess. I figure there is no point in fighting it, if I am going to die then I guess I will not worry about it anymore.
June 2006
Well...June is over now but it was not a very good month.
I had panic attacks on and off in the beggining of the month. I have not had a panic attack now for almost 3 weeks but have been on the verge of one on and off the past week. I am definatly not doing as well as I had been. I do have good days. Some days are very good days. I have gone shopping. I have gone out more. I just do not feel like my panic is as well under control as it used to be.
My mornings are rough. I wake up wondering if I will have a panic attack.
I feel like an awful mom because the days that I am not doing well I do not want to do anything with the kids. I just can not deal with them and a panic attack at the same time.
I also felt betrayed by some of my friends from a forum I go to. I was very hurt and it caused lots of panic and upset for me. I am trying to stay away from feeling like that but I am sensitive to stuff and it hurt me that friends would question something about me like that...
I had panic attacks on and off in the beggining of the month. I have not had a panic attack now for almost 3 weeks but have been on the verge of one on and off the past week. I am definatly not doing as well as I had been. I do have good days. Some days are very good days. I have gone shopping. I have gone out more. I just do not feel like my panic is as well under control as it used to be.
My mornings are rough. I wake up wondering if I will have a panic attack.
I feel like an awful mom because the days that I am not doing well I do not want to do anything with the kids. I just can not deal with them and a panic attack at the same time.
I also felt betrayed by some of my friends from a forum I go to. I was very hurt and it caused lots of panic and upset for me. I am trying to stay away from feeling like that but I am sensitive to stuff and it hurt me that friends would question something about me like that...
april and may
April was a fairly good month, I got my decision letter about getting ssdi and it was my sons 4th bday.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of his last 2 years because i have been consumed with my own problems but in reality I feel like I spend lots of time with him and he loves me and knows I love him.
I had gotten out more. I went to the mall and even went to the clinique store....oh wow. I have not been to the mall in ages. I felt like a kid in the candy store. Well, I started not feeling good that day with a headache etc.
I had just raised my wellbutrin dose to 400mg so thought maybe that was it. We went out to dinner ( another big thing for me...) and I could not eat. I just did not feel right. By the time I came home I had a feeling that it was anxiety. I had done so well for almost a year. I went to bed but could not sleep. My husband had to work the next day....and I started with a huge panic attack. My oldest child was not home to help me with the younger kids. I was having such a bad panic attack I thought for sure it was not panic and that I was dying. I was moments away from calling an ambulance. I called my husband at work. I was crying and I could hear the dissapointment in his voice. Not with me, but with the fact that I started having panic attacks again.
I begged him to come home but he could not. I was taking more xanax but really just wanted to go to bed. I called my mom and for the first time in many years she was willing to help me, she took the 2 younger kids for 2 hours. I laid down and slept. I woke up still feeling out of sorts and very depresses. I cried the rest of the day.
I then talked myself into thinking that maybe it was just a one time incident. That maybe the panic attacks are not back, it was just one attack. Even though I had a feeling that maybe the lexapro was not working anymore.
Well...I had another panic attack the next day, and the next. I called the psych dr crying. The first thing he did is tell me to take more xanax and then to stop the wellbutrin....thinking maybe it was the increased dose of wellbutrin. He thought it was unlikly but was not sure, so I stopped taking it. I had a few good days so breathed a sigh of relief that it was the wellbutrin. Well....more panic attacks.
I was sooo frustrated. I actually asked my husband if he would help me kill myself. This freaked him out. I just do not want to live this way at all. I can deal with most of the symptoms of anxiety, the GAD, the social anxiety, the agoraphobia etc but I just can not deal with the feeling of the panic attacks. The feeling that I can not breath and that I am dying
I called the psych dr again....we discussed either stopping the lexapro and taking zoloft or raising the lexapro to an above normal dose. I was a bit skeeved at taking a dose of lexapro above what is a normal dose but was willing to try it. The dr had me take the extra dose while we were on the phone...and some more xanax.
I felt a bit better that at least we were trying something new.
I spent the next week just sort of depressed. Had some smallish panic attacks but took xanax as soon as they started and I got through them.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of his last 2 years because i have been consumed with my own problems but in reality I feel like I spend lots of time with him and he loves me and knows I love him.
I had gotten out more. I went to the mall and even went to the clinique store....oh wow. I have not been to the mall in ages. I felt like a kid in the candy store. Well, I started not feeling good that day with a headache etc.
I had just raised my wellbutrin dose to 400mg so thought maybe that was it. We went out to dinner ( another big thing for me...) and I could not eat. I just did not feel right. By the time I came home I had a feeling that it was anxiety. I had done so well for almost a year. I went to bed but could not sleep. My husband had to work the next day....and I started with a huge panic attack. My oldest child was not home to help me with the younger kids. I was having such a bad panic attack I thought for sure it was not panic and that I was dying. I was moments away from calling an ambulance. I called my husband at work. I was crying and I could hear the dissapointment in his voice. Not with me, but with the fact that I started having panic attacks again.
I begged him to come home but he could not. I was taking more xanax but really just wanted to go to bed. I called my mom and for the first time in many years she was willing to help me, she took the 2 younger kids for 2 hours. I laid down and slept. I woke up still feeling out of sorts and very depresses. I cried the rest of the day.
I then talked myself into thinking that maybe it was just a one time incident. That maybe the panic attacks are not back, it was just one attack. Even though I had a feeling that maybe the lexapro was not working anymore.
Well...I had another panic attack the next day, and the next. I called the psych dr crying. The first thing he did is tell me to take more xanax and then to stop the wellbutrin....thinking maybe it was the increased dose of wellbutrin. He thought it was unlikly but was not sure, so I stopped taking it. I had a few good days so breathed a sigh of relief that it was the wellbutrin. Well....more panic attacks.
I was sooo frustrated. I actually asked my husband if he would help me kill myself. This freaked him out. I just do not want to live this way at all. I can deal with most of the symptoms of anxiety, the GAD, the social anxiety, the agoraphobia etc but I just can not deal with the feeling of the panic attacks. The feeling that I can not breath and that I am dying
I called the psych dr again....we discussed either stopping the lexapro and taking zoloft or raising the lexapro to an above normal dose. I was a bit skeeved at taking a dose of lexapro above what is a normal dose but was willing to try it. The dr had me take the extra dose while we were on the phone...and some more xanax.
I felt a bit better that at least we were trying something new.
I spent the next week just sort of depressed. Had some smallish panic attacks but took xanax as soon as they started and I got through them.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Some good news, some bad news
I recently have had some good news and some bad news.
The bad news is, we were 45,000 dollars in debt that we could not afford to pay. Since I can not work I felt very guilty over it. My husband kept most of it from me until the credit card companies started calling. He did not want to tell me because he thought it would cause more anxiety...he was paying one credit card with another and doing balance transfers etc.
The good news is, I finally was approved for disability...SSDI. I had my hearing feb 27th, the judge realized I was truly nuts and sent me my decision 4 weeks later. I have not gotten a check yet and may not for another month or so, but at least I know it is coming, and my backpay as well...so that will help a ton with our family.
The backpay will be enough to pay off all our debts and still leave a very large amount in the savings account. I will also get monthly checks as well as I qualify for medicare now. I do not need the medicare since I have private insurance but at least it is there if I do need it. They take out 88 dollars a month automatically from my ssdi check to cover the medicare. I decided to just keep paying for it because if I decline it now and need it later I am not sure how hard it would be to get back again...
The bad news is, we were 45,000 dollars in debt that we could not afford to pay. Since I can not work I felt very guilty over it. My husband kept most of it from me until the credit card companies started calling. He did not want to tell me because he thought it would cause more anxiety...he was paying one credit card with another and doing balance transfers etc.
The good news is, I finally was approved for disability...SSDI. I had my hearing feb 27th, the judge realized I was truly nuts and sent me my decision 4 weeks later. I have not gotten a check yet and may not for another month or so, but at least I know it is coming, and my backpay as well...so that will help a ton with our family.
The backpay will be enough to pay off all our debts and still leave a very large amount in the savings account. I will also get monthly checks as well as I qualify for medicare now. I do not need the medicare since I have private insurance but at least it is there if I do need it. They take out 88 dollars a month automatically from my ssdi check to cover the medicare. I decided to just keep paying for it because if I decline it now and need it later I am not sure how hard it would be to get back again...
I have not written for awhile
I have not written in awhile. I will catch this blog up to date over the next few days. I write in a journal but just did not get online and put it into my blog.
I have had ups and downs in the past few months. My anxiety is good some days and not good other days.
I have had to raise my dose of wellbutrin that was added with my lexapro because I was becoming very depressed. I would wake up in the morning and not even care about anything. I felt that life was not worth living. I did not think about suicide because I felt like I am dying anyways so why rush it. I do think about death and dying more then normal. The psych dr says I have obsessive compulsive disorder...geez just what I need, another dianosis to prove I am really crazy. I do obesses over things. I worry that I have a disease or that my heart will stop beating.
I made my first appt with a therapist for next week. I am not sure what he can do for me. Crazy is crazy and so far I have not heard of a cure...I guess I can pay him 30 bucks an hour to talk to him, I guess that is one less hour my husband has to listen to my lunatic banter.
I have had ups and downs in the past few months. My anxiety is good some days and not good other days.
I have had to raise my dose of wellbutrin that was added with my lexapro because I was becoming very depressed. I would wake up in the morning and not even care about anything. I felt that life was not worth living. I did not think about suicide because I felt like I am dying anyways so why rush it. I do think about death and dying more then normal. The psych dr says I have obsessive compulsive disorder...geez just what I need, another dianosis to prove I am really crazy. I do obesses over things. I worry that I have a disease or that my heart will stop beating.
I made my first appt with a therapist for next week. I am not sure what he can do for me. Crazy is crazy and so far I have not heard of a cure...I guess I can pay him 30 bucks an hour to talk to him, I guess that is one less hour my husband has to listen to my lunatic banter.
Friday, January 06, 2006
My mother....
My mother, wow she rates for an entire journal entry of her own. This is an anonymous blog so I have no worries that she will read it, but hey MOM...if you are reading this I am sure you know I am talking about you because not many people are so totally whacked as you.
Hmmmm where to start??? I have a feeling this will be a long entry. I have wanted to journal about my mother all my life but there is so many things to say about her that I do not know where to start ( Oh, there is plenty to say about my dad and he is next...I will make another post to honor him as well...)
All my childhood memories of my mother are negative ones. My mother strived on chaos and making my life as full of stress and negativity as possible. My mom not only saw the glass half empty, she saw it cracked and dirty as well. She was cruel about quite a few things yet loved to play the martyer so always had to be the victom in everything.
I cannot remember one event that included my mother that did not leave me in tears or embarrased beyond belief. My mother loved everybody to think she was so kind and sharing that she would give things to other people that we did not even have ourselfs. She would bake huge batches of cookies and fudge and candy for Christmas and give them all away and not let my brother or myself have any. She would maybe let us have one if they were burned or broken but the rest was for other people. She would buy gifts for other people that she would say she could not afford. She would be so pleasant to other people but as soon as we were home she was not so nice at all. I would not say she was physically abusive though she did enjoy hitting me with a wooden spoon, fly swatter etc but not to the point I would think of it as abuse. She did 100% mentally and emotionally abuse me. I think she also made me feel emotionally empty most of the time. She liked to think she made me feel loved and did all these great things for me but in the end I did not feel any of the love because there was always a condition to her giving the love, always a string attatched.
I learned to never share personal stuff with my mother. She turned everything around and made it into something it was not. She liked to embellish stories and tell my dad them when he came home from work and then I think she sat back and smirked while he yelled at us for what we did and then when I said I had not done that then he was even more mad because he said that I was calling my mom a liar...she was and still is a liar, a manipulator and a very selfish self centered person.
I will end this post for tonight because I am going to bed but I will finish it in a day or so...there is so much to write that it may take awhile
Hmmmm where to start??? I have a feeling this will be a long entry. I have wanted to journal about my mother all my life but there is so many things to say about her that I do not know where to start ( Oh, there is plenty to say about my dad and he is next...I will make another post to honor him as well...)
All my childhood memories of my mother are negative ones. My mother strived on chaos and making my life as full of stress and negativity as possible. My mom not only saw the glass half empty, she saw it cracked and dirty as well. She was cruel about quite a few things yet loved to play the martyer so always had to be the victom in everything.
I cannot remember one event that included my mother that did not leave me in tears or embarrased beyond belief. My mother loved everybody to think she was so kind and sharing that she would give things to other people that we did not even have ourselfs. She would bake huge batches of cookies and fudge and candy for Christmas and give them all away and not let my brother or myself have any. She would maybe let us have one if they were burned or broken but the rest was for other people. She would buy gifts for other people that she would say she could not afford. She would be so pleasant to other people but as soon as we were home she was not so nice at all. I would not say she was physically abusive though she did enjoy hitting me with a wooden spoon, fly swatter etc but not to the point I would think of it as abuse. She did 100% mentally and emotionally abuse me. I think she also made me feel emotionally empty most of the time. She liked to think she made me feel loved and did all these great things for me but in the end I did not feel any of the love because there was always a condition to her giving the love, always a string attatched.
I learned to never share personal stuff with my mother. She turned everything around and made it into something it was not. She liked to embellish stories and tell my dad them when he came home from work and then I think she sat back and smirked while he yelled at us for what we did and then when I said I had not done that then he was even more mad because he said that I was calling my mom a liar...she was and still is a liar, a manipulator and a very selfish self centered person.
I will end this post for tonight because I am going to bed but I will finish it in a day or so...there is so much to write that it may take awhile
Made it through the New Year
Well, the holidays were less then optimal. I learned quite a bit about people who I thought cared about myself and my kids. I learned my mom is very selfish and does not care about my family at all. Actually that is fine. I have much more about this topic and will make its own post about my family.
I started on another new medication called lyrica. So far it has done nothing for my pain and I still take about 5-6 oxycodone a day and that really does not even help much.
I also upped my wellbutrin even more. I now take 150mg two times a day. I have only been at this dose for about a week and have not noticed much other then some bothersome side effects that I am sure will go away with time.
I took up a new hobby, knitting. I have to sit in a certain position so it does not hurt my neck and shoulders but I have found I can knit with little to no arm movement and just move my hands a bit.
I am still waiting on my disability hearing. The lawyer says the case looks good. All my dr's are supportive of my claim. I have letters and records and all sorts of supporting stuff for my case. I am just now waiting on a hearing date. My lawyer will fly in for the hearing.
One of my best online friends had a new baby last month and I am very happy for her. I am also happy that she is feeling better and able to email back and forth with me again. Her and I have so much and so little at the same time in common but we have been emailing for over 3 years and are both so open minded that even if we both think differently about something we can still both chat about it. It is amazing that even after a few months of hardly emailing each other that as soon as we started back up again it was just like we had been talking all this time.
I still really wish I could find some local friends but I guess I am not quite ready for the work that having a friend would be.
I do have some resoltions for the new year and will post those in another post tommorow.
I started on another new medication called lyrica. So far it has done nothing for my pain and I still take about 5-6 oxycodone a day and that really does not even help much.
I also upped my wellbutrin even more. I now take 150mg two times a day. I have only been at this dose for about a week and have not noticed much other then some bothersome side effects that I am sure will go away with time.
I took up a new hobby, knitting. I have to sit in a certain position so it does not hurt my neck and shoulders but I have found I can knit with little to no arm movement and just move my hands a bit.
I am still waiting on my disability hearing. The lawyer says the case looks good. All my dr's are supportive of my claim. I have letters and records and all sorts of supporting stuff for my case. I am just now waiting on a hearing date. My lawyer will fly in for the hearing.
One of my best online friends had a new baby last month and I am very happy for her. I am also happy that she is feeling better and able to email back and forth with me again. Her and I have so much and so little at the same time in common but we have been emailing for over 3 years and are both so open minded that even if we both think differently about something we can still both chat about it. It is amazing that even after a few months of hardly emailing each other that as soon as we started back up again it was just like we had been talking all this time.
I still really wish I could find some local friends but I guess I am not quite ready for the work that having a friend would be.
I do have some resoltions for the new year and will post those in another post tommorow.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
So far so good..
Well, I have survived about 2 hours with the new medication. I guess if I was allergic to it I would have dropped dead already...
Thanks to everybody ( YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who talked to me this morning and helped me get through the past few hours...
Thanks to everybody ( YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who talked to me this morning and helped me get through the past few hours...
The sky is falling
The sky is falling..yes I feel like chicken little, everything is a catastrophe.
I just swallowed the new medication I mentioned in my last post and fear that it will kill me.
I started wellbutrin sr 150 mg...It was added to my other medications to help me not feel so sluggish and tired. But of course I think it may kill me. I have had the prescription for almost 2 months. I waited and waited to take it. I made sure to start it this morning because my husband is home for the weekend so if I die he will be here..I know this sounds extreme but that is how I feel.
I google side effects, I look up law suits against the drug, I think about the worst case scenario..
Of course now I think I will have an allergic reaction and my throat will swell shut and I will die.
I stood in the kitchen with the pill in my hand and a glass of water for 30 minutes before I swallowed it.
Maybe I should have taken it with a xanax..or a few xanax. Thay way I either would not worry about the pill killing me or if it did kill me I would not mind as much..
Well..hopefully this is not the last post from me.
I will post in awhile with an update..
I just swallowed the new medication I mentioned in my last post and fear that it will kill me.
I started wellbutrin sr 150 mg...It was added to my other medications to help me not feel so sluggish and tired. But of course I think it may kill me. I have had the prescription for almost 2 months. I waited and waited to take it. I made sure to start it this morning because my husband is home for the weekend so if I die he will be here..I know this sounds extreme but that is how I feel.
I google side effects, I look up law suits against the drug, I think about the worst case scenario..
Of course now I think I will have an allergic reaction and my throat will swell shut and I will die.
I stood in the kitchen with the pill in my hand and a glass of water for 30 minutes before I swallowed it.
Maybe I should have taken it with a xanax..or a few xanax. Thay way I either would not worry about the pill killing me or if it did kill me I would not mind as much..
Well..hopefully this is not the last post from me.
I will post in awhile with an update..
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