april and may

April was a fairly good month, I got my decision letter about getting ssdi and it was my sons 4th bday.
I feel like I missed out on a lot of his last 2 years because i have been consumed with my own problems but in reality I feel like I spend lots of time with him and he loves me and knows I love him.
I had gotten out more. I went to the mall and even went to the clinique store....oh wow. I have not been to the mall in ages. I felt like a kid in the candy store. Well, I started not feeling good that day with a headache etc.
I had just raised my wellbutrin dose to 400mg so thought maybe that was it. We went out to dinner ( another big thing for me...) and I could not eat. I just did not feel right. By the time I came home I had a feeling that it was anxiety. I had done so well for almost a year. I went to bed but could not sleep. My husband had to work the next day....and I started with a huge panic attack. My oldest child was not home to help me with the younger kids. I was having such a bad panic attack I thought for sure it was not panic and that I was dying. I was moments away from calling an ambulance. I called my husband at work. I was crying and I could hear the dissapointment in his voice. Not with me, but with the fact that I started having panic attacks again.
I begged him to come home but he could not. I was taking more xanax but really just wanted to go to bed. I called my mom and for the first time in many years she was willing to help me, she took the 2 younger kids for 2 hours. I laid down and slept. I woke up still feeling out of sorts and very depresses. I cried the rest of the day.
I then talked myself into thinking that maybe it was just a one time incident. That maybe the panic attacks are not back, it was just one attack. Even though I had a feeling that maybe the lexapro was not working anymore.
Well...I had another panic attack the next day, and the next. I called the psych dr crying. The first thing he did is tell me to take more xanax and then to stop the wellbutrin....thinking maybe it was the increased dose of wellbutrin. He thought it was unlikly but was not sure, so I stopped taking it. I had a few good days so breathed a sigh of relief that it was the wellbutrin. Well....more panic attacks.
I was sooo frustrated. I actually asked my husband if he would help me kill myself. This freaked him out. I just do not want to live this way at all. I can deal with most of the symptoms of anxiety, the GAD, the social anxiety, the agoraphobia etc but I just can not deal with the feeling of the panic attacks. The feeling that I can not breath and that I am dying
I called the psych dr again....we discussed either stopping the lexapro and taking zoloft or raising the lexapro to an above normal dose. I was a bit skeeved at taking a dose of lexapro above what is a normal dose but was willing to try it. The dr had me take the extra dose while we were on the phone...and some more xanax.
I felt a bit better that at least we were trying something new.
I spent the next week just sort of depressed. Had some smallish panic attacks but took xanax as soon as they started and I got through them.