pain is a pain

My pain has been bad the past few weeks. I keep thinking that one day it will slowly get better and I will need less pain meds but so far it just keeps hurting. I have fibromyalgia as well as arthritis in my knee from all the surgeries to repair my femur. I also have the bone spurs in my neck and I really think that is what causes quite a bit of my pain. I just never seem to be pain free, unless of course I forget that I just took a dose of oxycodone and accidentally take a 2nd dose. That has only happend 2 times or so but amazingly I felt out of pain. At first I did not realize that I had no pain I just kept feeling different and then I thought to myself wow, no pain...I wish it had lasted longer then 2 hours. I tried the new medication LYRICA for awhile but it did not help much. I also have peripheral neuropathy and that causes lots of burning in my feet or makes them feel tingly like they are falling asleep. At this point the only shoes I can wear are crocs and of course my older kids hate the look of crocs and tease me about them. I want a new body lol..
I get upset with myself that I am lazy and do not do much. I guess I should at least let myself have some excuse since I have been qualified as disabled by the government and my dr's. It is hard for me though to think that I can not just do everything I want to do or everything that I used to do or that everybody else does. Since I do not LOOK disabled it is easy for people to just think I need to get up off my ass and get moving...I am guilty of this as well. Sometimes I am really tired and I was thinking geez I am lazy, then I realized that with the amount of oxyodone, xanax and other meds I take that it may not be laziness, it may be medications causing it.
I did change the time I take my lexapro from morning until night. I take the wellbutrin in the morning and the lexapro at night and that has seemed to have made a fairly big difference that I am noticing now. I do not feel so groggy throughout the day.
I have not had much anxiety problems this past week. Luckily the globus feeling has subsided this past week..thank goodness, that is the worst thing ever.
I started exercising and trying to eat better. I know if I lose weight that it will take a lot of stress off of my body and will help me feel less pain.
I am getting really worried about how much C weighs. He is 10, he is a big boy, about 4 foot 10 but almost 120 pounds. He is pretty solid but he needs to lose weight. We could not find any p ants that fit him properly this winter so he has had to mostly wear sweat pants and track pants. He has just recently started being upset about his size. I feel for him because I was the fat kid in school and hated it. I think my life could have turned out with a different story if I had not been the fat kid. Luckily we homeschool him but I worry that he will keep gaining weight. I had a talk with him today. Nothing harsh, just a gentle talk about some different foods we would be changing to and how he could walk on the treadmill etc. I think even if he could just lose 10 pounds and then maintain that for awhile until he grows a few more inches then I think he would be fine.
Well, I have thought about some journal entry subjects that I wanted to get written down and journal about so I plan to be writing quite a bit here in my blog the next week or so...so if you are a reader of my blog, check back this week..

Catching up

I have not posted much in awhile. I wanted to keep this blog as an ongoing journal. I have thoughts in my head that I want to come blog but just never actually sit down to do it. I need to make a better effort at doing so. I find writing down my feelings etc to feel good, a place I can say whatever I want. I like to look back over the posts and see what thing I was feeling over the past few years.
I have had my ups and downs since the first of the year. I have not had any actual full blown panic attacks but have had a few times that I could tell I was on the edge of one. I have also had some more problems with my globus the past week..I hate this feeleing, I would rather have my arm held over a fire then to feel the feeling of the globus in my throat. I am hoping it will just subside over the next few days. I have had it at times that it was very mild and went away after a few days and then I have had it at times that it was terrible and it lasted for months.
I am blessed to have my best friend C...I know that I am happier now that I have a friend that I can count on to always be there and that I can trust and talk to. Trust is a big issue for me since some other things happened online at some forums I go to. I used to share everything at certain forums, I was like an open book. I am not comfortable doing that anymore and that kind of sucks. I loved the support and the input that I would get from other people when I would share details of my life. It is a shame that a few bad things has made me not want to share personal stuff anymore. Maybe I will get over it as time goes by....either way it is ok since I have my friend C that I can share whatever I want to with her.
My oldest daughter is moving out. She is 18 1/2 and I guess she is ready to try out life on her own. She is sharing an apartment with 2 other girls and the apartment is only 10-15 minutes from here so that is no so bad. She also wants to keep some of her stuff here and her bed so she can sleep here 1-2 nights a week. I think that is just a bit of security for her. A way for her to know that she still has a home here and can always come back. That is fine with me. She can come back anytime if she needs to but I think after a few weeks at her new apartment she will realize she does not want to come sleep here.
I can tell right now that she is happier then she has been in many many years...she has friends, a social life, doing fun teenage stuff and has paid all her bills and is actually saving money for the future. It is good to see her happy.
J has been clean and sober for about 6 weeks now. He spent a few weeks in juvie and I think maybe that scared him enough to keep him clean for now. He is doing outpatient intensive rehab as wel as church etc. He also seems happier then he has been in a long time. He seems to have plans for the future and as long as he stays clean he will be able keep planning for the future.
I had to go to the dentist last week and that is my biggest phobia ever. So, it was a hard week. I also need to go back next month to have a deep gum cleaning, that takes 4 appointments and I am already freaked out about it.
The addition of wellbutrin to my other meds has seemed to make a small difference, not tons of difference but enough to give me some more motivation to at least sew some and do some other things. I think I could probably use a higher does sinse I still feel depressed at times and just do not enjoy things that I used to and do not really feel like I have anything good in the future to look forward to.
My pain has also been a huge issue this past month. No matter how many oxycodone I take I am still in pain. I will see the dr next week and will need to change to something longer acting and then just use the oxycodone for breakthrough pain. The dr has mentioned putting my on oxycontin. Yes I have heard all the stories of people getting addicted to it etc.....but that is not really anything I am concerned about, I am in pain, I can not function, my quality of life is not very good because of my pain and if there is someway to decrease my pain so I can start doing the things I used to like to do, then it is well worth the risk of the oxycontin.
Well....I have more to write...much more but will end this now so I can take a nap.

Living today

This sort of relates to my previous post of living in the present. I am living each day. It is hard to now think about tommorow. Hard to not worry what tommorow may be like or if my medications stop working tommorow of if I am sick tommorow. But, that only makes me miss out on today. I have more good days recently but do not enjoy them because I am to busy anticipating the next day.
Today is a good day. I am awake, I feel well. I have a dr appt with the psych dr today and will discuss with him a few side effects of the lexapro and am sure he will discuss my dosing of the wellbutrin which is supposed to help with the lexapro side effects.
The weather is nice out. My husband is working and the 2 oldest kids are at school and work. We got the tree up last night and put the lights on. TOnight we will do the decorations. I do not need to worry about tommorow right now. I have enough stuff to do for the day and better things to focus on for right now.
I am trying to just keep asking myself how I am feeling *RIGHGT NOW* For right now I am fine. My breathing is fine. My globus is not acting up. I will be going out later for my dr appt so will get dressed and put makeup on.

Enjoying the present because it is a present

I am learning that looking forward or looking backwards only causes anxiety and depression. Depression over the things I have missed out on and how my life has changed, and anxiety from looking towards the future and not knowing what each day will be like. I can not change yesterday and I am not promised tommorow so I need to just be happy for each today. I have been trying to just tell myself * I feel good today, today is a good day, do not think about any other days* It seems to help to think of it that way. I can worry about each day as it comes and fight each battle as it happens.
My friend D has not come by this week, I had an appt and she had some stuff to do as well. I enjoy my time with her and often think about what lesson I have learned all week long. Even if the study we do does not hit me right away, later on it comes to me how it pertains to me and how it can help me. I still look back over the purpose driven life study we did and find something new in it each time. I am thankful for her spending her time helping me out and hope someday to repay the gift by doing the same for somebody else.
I think we are going to put our christmas tree up tonight. The boys sound excited over it and I am wanting to make the holiday special.
I am trying to fix the relationship between my mom and I though I know she will never change and I can not deal with quite a bit of what she does. She is my mom and will always be and so I do want things to at least be happy between us. I often think that her and I have a lot of the same suffering we go through with mental and physical problems. We just deal with them much differently and I so do not want to be like her....

My dog sassy

I got a new dog a few months ago. She has brought joy and sunshine to my life. My moods are better. I feel like waking up in the morning so I can give her a treat. She loves me so much that I can not help but love myself a bit more because of her. I always wanted another child, another daughter but due to my health I can not have anymore. Sasssy is like the daughter that I was not able to have...
She is constantly by my side and she can feel my moods and knows how to cheer me up or calm me down.
I have heard people say oh she is just a dog...she may be just a dog to some people but to me she is much more. She is my friend, my companian and more. I found this cute little story and it reminded me of how I feel when people say she is just a dog...

Just a Dog

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or"just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. "Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a person." So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog" just smile, because they "just don't understand."

depression is not normal

I think some people think that being depressed is just a normal part of life. When I have told people I am depressed most of them say oh but why...you have such a wonderful family, healthy kids blah blah blah...well DUHHHHHHHHH.....it is because I have an illness called depression. If my kids were sick or my husband was dead and I was depressed, that would be NORMAL....when your life is going well and your kids are healthy and you have food and a house and you still feel depressed, that is ABNORMAL, you have an illness. By telling me that I should feel blessed and should be happy becase look at this person or that person who has all these bad things going on and I am soo lucky and I should be happy...HELLOOOO that is like telling a person with a broken leg that they should get up and walk...I have an illness. I know I am lucky, I know I am blessed, yet I still feel like life sucks...and of course I feel guilty when people point out how blessed I should feel.
I think people are confused in the fact that mental illness is still an illness, a sickness, a disease. It is nothing we have done wrong. People would never tell somebody with cancer to just get over it, but people have the nerve to say that to people with depression.
Luckily I have simple depression, not bipolar. My depression seems to come and go with really no rhyme or reason. Often my depression is not in a form that people would even realize that anything was wrong, unless it was somebody who knew me really well. I do not cry or seem sad, I do not think of suicide. I usually just do not care about anything. I do not care about how I look, if I change my clothes, I do not care or even know what day or the week it is. I could spend the entire day sleeping. The days that I am depressed I also seem to not want to eat. I just do not want to bother to take the time to make anything and no food sounds good. Too bad I have not lost any weight. I have actually gained lots from the medications I am on.
I was thinking some more the other day about what sort of symptoms I had of anxiety when I was a kid, and the more I thought of it the more I realized that I was a really depressed kid. I hid it well but I did have symptoms of it that I can even remember now. I also wrote this awful awful dark poems. Poems about me living in a box, or dying and bleeding and nobody caring. Poems about me being worthless and unloved. I saved the poems in a notebook and was reading some of them the other day. I can not believe that people who read them when I was younger never looked into me being depressed. In 9th grade I took a creative writing class and lots of these poems are from my class journal and was read and graded by the teacher. Even though here was mentions of harming my self and lots of saddness in the poems, she never questioned me, never sent me to see the school counselor, never contacted my parents etc. I also used to have quite a few of the poems hanging on a corkboard in my room....again, nobody ever asked me if I was depressed.
I also had odd sicknesses, injuries, bruises etc that I had caused myself. Looking back, this started about ag 13 and lasted until my early 20's....I will write a post later detailing some of the things I did to punish myself or to get attention, I think mostly to get attention...

Rough times and learning to have faith

The past 2 months or so have been on and off rough. I feel like the higher dose of meds is finally fully kicked in. I am happy with the decrease of the panic attacks but do not feel as if the medication is working as well as I would want it to. It controls my anxiety some but not as much as I was controlled last year on a lower dose. Of course now I also am aware of just how fast a med can stop working and that I could wake up tommorow with the medication not working and have to start over again. This scares the crap out of me. I can not deal with the panic attacks and try to take care of my kids at the same time. I wish I had some family or friends I could count on to help me out if I had a setback. I really do not have anybody who I know would help me out if I needed it. Everybody is busy and has thier own life and I am sure people do not understand what it is I deal with. Each night I get scared to go to sleep because I worry what the next day will bring. Will I wake up in a panic attack? will I be sick? will I be ok? The mornings are slowly getting better for me. Those are usually the roughest and now they are somewhat better.
The dr just re-prescribed me wellbutrin 150mg to start again. I am having bouts of what I would call * just not giving a damn* Not really depression but just not really caring and a bit of feeling sorry for myself added in.
I have worked on some things. I have done some rather large size sewing orders of doll stuff. I have listed some stuff on ebay. I did actually go out and get my eyebrows waxed the other day and am enjoying my new collection of bare minerals makeup.
I also am trying to be faithful and believe that GOD has a purpose and a plan for me. My friend D comes over every week and she has been a huge blessing to me. I now count the days of the week based on her visit. It helps the days not each be the same. I used to love having friends and it helps to have somebody come over. We finished the bible study the purppose driven life and I learned so much from that. I then got baptised and am very happy about that decision. I do firmly believe that there is a GOD and that I will go to heaven and that there is a purpose to everything.
Right now we are watching a series each week based on a lady that had suffered from depression for many years. She is now on medication and she did a dvd based on her faith. It really makes sense and each week gives me something to think about. The week before last really was a good message and it was to live life to the fullest. I am still stuck on that a bit because I am not sure what the fullest is. I see people who have these huge ambitions. Plans to climb mountains or ride bikes across the country. To me that is living life in the fullest but those are not things that I could do. I guess before I can live life to the fullest I need to figure out what it is that it means. I would love to get out but I am not sure where to...I also worry that if I do live life to the fullest if I have a setback with my anxiety that it will just make it all that much worse for me to deal with.
My current definition of a good day is making it through the day without a panic attack. I am slowly doing more though. I have cooked dinners for 2 weeks now and have made meal plans. I have planned out and am almost done with shopping for Christmas gifts.
I guess I need to have some ambition and some energy and to decide what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have wasted just about 5 years of my life and I can not get those back. Maybe I will make it a goal to list 5 things that I want to accomplish in the next 6 months.

pay it forward

K and I watched this the other day. I had heard great things about it and so borrowed it from netflix. The movie was awesome, the idea of helping each other was great. The ending totally sucked though and nearly ruined the movie for me. I think there are sooo many other ways it could have ended and still made sense. I think there are so many other ways it could have ended to make it make even more sense.
I was talking to my friend about it and she said that lots of people had told her the ending sucked so she watched the movie and turned it off just as it got to the ending. She says she has no idea how it ended and she really liked the movie.
I want to implement my own form of pay it forward but I do not rely on others to follow through. I have quite a few skills that I can put to use to help others out and never have to leave my home.
In the bible study that I am doing, the purpse driven life, this weeks lesson was about helping others so it tied into the movie well. The main idea is that I need to give with a happy heart and for no reasons other then to give.I can not give to make people like me, I can not give to gain anything and I can not give and then complain about it. The giving needs to come from my heart. The bible study pointed out in the bible where it says that only the services done with a happy heart will count.
I think that people who give stuff or help others only so they can boast about it, should not even bother doing the good deed in the first place. I have had people help me before and nothing is lower then helping somebody else and then throwing it in thier face everytime you get a chance. I have a few people in my family like that. Nothing they ever give is given with kindness and just to give...it is given for their on selfish reasons and with strings attatched. There is a certain family member who still brings up stuff they have done for me over 10 years ago..geez...time to move on huh?
Well, I do realize my limitations, I can not commit to something that I have to leave the house for and I do not have lots of money. BUT, I do have plenty of other things to offer. I want to donate crochet hats to the cancer patients, I want to make some preemie clothes for the 1-2 pound babies in the nicu, I want to make memorial and burial gowns for the babies that were stillborn, I want to make and donate mama slings and newbown blankets etc..there is so much more I want to do but I need to start slow and aim big. And I do know that I am giving for the right reasons and with a happy heart.

Fall is coming

I hope fall will be here soon. I know it will be on the calender but I am sure we will have at least another month or 2 of awful hot weather.
I went to the psych dr the other day and he asked me if I wanted to try a different med since this one is helping but not helping 100%. I decided to stay with what I am on. I am better, not normal and I do not think I ever will be normal. I do not want to risk trying something else and then having it not help as much as this. If this med stops working, like the lower dose did, then I will have to try something else.
I asked the psych dr if I will ever just not have to worry about anxiety...his answer was that unless we found a magic pill that I would always have to deal with it. His goal is to get me to a point that I mostly have good days and once in awhile have a rough patch.Right now I have bad days and good days, his goal is more like me having good months with a few bad days. I was at that point before, last year before the lexapro stopped working.
I can feel that I have more of my agoraphobia right now. I do not want to go anywhere. I make excuses not to leave the house. I do not want to go to the store or anywhere. I make plans to and then the day comes and I make an excuse to not go. I have gone a few times with my husband but I would rather not. There is no real reason, I just feel like I am safe and comfortable at home.
I watched a few episodes of the show Monk, about a detective with OCD and wow do I relate...I totally do..it is funny to watch the show but it is not funny when it is happening to me.
I also have been a bit more of a hypochondriac. I did well for awhile about not worrying about stuff, illnesses etc but had a few bad weeks where I was sure something was wrong with me.
I am having a good day and hope to be able to go with the family on a drive to phx tommorow to visit J in rehab.

Trying to catch up

I have fallen behind on the blogging. I keep a journal that I write in at home and always plan to transfer to my blog but never quite got to it. I will write some of it here, even though it happened over the past 2 months or so.
JULY...july passed with not much fanfare...My husband changed his schedule so he can be home 4 days a week and just work 3 shifts a week. 12 hour shifts. This helps quite a bit since I feel better when he is home. I still do not feel like the lexapro increased dose has fully kicked in. I feel more agoraphobic then I had been a few months ago. It is ok, it is over 100 degrees out and I really do not need to go out anyways. I feel quite lazy though. Since the doctor stopped my wellbutrin I do not have much motivation for anything. I do not feel as depressed but I do not feel like my anxiety is as well under control as it had been.
K turned 18..I got her a car but she only drove for 3 weeks and then wrecked the car.

August....J is in trouble again. He was found with more weed and he is already on probation. He had 3 drug tests in a row show positive. He had to go to court again on the 17th and was sentenced to one year of probation. We got him a spot in a rehab and he will do 60 days inpatient rehab. Hopefully it will help. He has never tested postivie for anything other then pot, I know that is still bad but I am so glad that it has not progressed to any other drugs.
I am still having some problems with my anxiety. I want to get back to where I was a few months ago. I think it will take awhile longer for the higher dose of lexapro to kick in. I also had my xanax dose raised.