wait for weight

Since my last post I have been thinking about the various reasons why I do not get out much or have people over or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Part of it is pain, part anxiety, part laziness and another part of it is my weight. I have battled my weight all my life but am currently at my highest weight ever. I was staying around 150-160 pounds for many years. That is too heavy for me but I felt good and could fit in cute clothing still and I did not constantly feel self conscious about my weight. Sure I wanted to lose weight and I was not in love with my size but I was ok with it. After all this mess with my mental illnesses started 4 years ago and I started on handfuls of medications I have put on lots of weight. I do not mean 10 or 15 pounds, I mean a lot. I do not want to admit fully how big I am but I will say I have put on roughly 50 pounds or so. I am short, 5 foot 2. I have small bones. I do not carry the extra weight well at all. I have tried diets and still have not lost weight. I thought since I started my thyroid meds that maybe that would help but so far it has not. I have some family and friends that I have not seen for 4 or 5 years and I do not want to see them because I just know their first thoughts will be **OMG she has gotten huge*. I see myself in a mirror and my heart just sinks at how big I am. I have to take the boys to PE in an hour or so and am already trying to find something to wear that does not look like I am wearing a tent. I just know people will look at me and think about my weight. It used to be that even when I was chubby that my face still looked fairly thin, but now even my face is fat. I do not look like what I want to look like.
BUT....I am wondering why am I missing out on stuff just because other people may judge my weight? I keep putting off stuff thinking that oh when I lose the weight then I will go out and do stuff. Well, it is obvious that I could be putting things off forever if I wait to be thin. When I was a teenager I put off stuff until I was thin. When I was 13 I went on a crash diet because I wanted to change from private school to public school but did not want to go to public school and be fat. So, I stayed at private school until I was thin. I did not go to the pool or the beach or talk about boys that I liked until I was thin. I just am tired of letting my weight dictate what I do or do not do...I wish it was not an issue. I wish I was thin or at least thinner. I know that not only is this extra weight mentally hindering me, it is physically hindering me as well. I know I would feel so much better if I lost weight and I AM trying. It is just not an easy thing to do at all. If it was not so hot here that would help a lot as well. I used to love to bike ride or play catch etc but geez at 100+ degrees here it is way to hot.
I am tired of wearing the same clothing over and over because I just do not find it fun to buy cute stuff in my size. Last week I did buy 2 pair of sexy panties to wear for Ray but as of yet have not put them on...I do not have any jeans. All my pants are stretch ones, like leggings etc. I am embarrassed to find out what size I would need in actual jeans. Probably a size 20 or maybe even bigger...but I am making a promise to myself that I am going to buy myself a cute pair of jeans no matter what size I need. I am also going to buy a few other cute items for myself and then go through my closet and throw away all the dingy stretched out clothing that I do have.
I am going to make an appt to get a hair cut and maybe even get my nails done.
I am going to try to treat myself better. I am going to exercise more and keep on doing weight watchers. The weight will come off, it is just going to take awhile and I am tired of putting my life on hold until I am thin.