I cry....why???

Yesterday I had my Psychiatrist appt. Nothing new about this, it has been normal for the past 4 years for me to go as often as every 2 weeks. I left the house and was driving along and the country song *remember when* came on. For some reason I just started crying. I was thinking about what I have missed out on over the past 4 years or so. How we had certain things we wanted to do in life and I feel like I ruined it for my husband and that my kids miss out on stuff because of me. There are so many things I had hoped to do with Sterling over the past few years and I missed out on them. I had so much fun the first 18months or so after having Sterling. He was the first child I had that I did not have to go back to work. I joined the MOMS club, I took him to the park, we went to library storytime, toddler bowling, arts and crafts day at the craft store, the zoo, etc. We just did all the things that I felt like I missed out on with my older kids because I had to work so much. I had an awesome birthday party for his 1st bday, made the cake, decorated the house, bought him a special outfit, made custom invitations and thank you cards etc. That is how I hoped it would continue. It all stopped August 2004 when all of this mess started. He is 6 years old now and all of those things that I had wanted to do with him never happened. I hope that now that I am doing better now that I can start doing new things with him to make up for the past few years. But, for some reason when that song came on it made me cry...but, it also made me realize that I need to make more of an effort to do stuff. I need to make sure to take enough pain meds to keep me out of extreme pain so I will feel like doing more stuff. I am allowed to take quite a bit of pain meds but I always worry that the more I take, the more I will need so I try to keep it under a certain amount. But, now I realize that is silly. I need to take what I need now and can worry about needing more later on when it happens.
The psychiatrist said I need to try to get out 2-3 times a week even if it is just for a walk down the street. That would be nice if it was not still almost 100 degrees outside.
On the way home from my appt I decided to get a haircut. I have not had my haircut in years...I finally went to get it done and of course they had over an hour wait so I left. I did go to CATO and bought a few things. A cute shirt on clearance for 1.99 and then 2 sexy pairs of lace panties that I know Ray will love...Then I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. Nothing special but it was good for me to be out for awhile.
I still am looking into trying to find a place for us to move to, to get out of this awful heat and crowd and find some place nicer to live. I just know it would be so much better to live somewhere else.
So, nothing new from the psychiatrist, just keep on the same meds. I am really happy with how these meds are working. I think my anxiety is better now then it has been in 4 years. If I was not in so much pain I would get out more. I do want to go out but I just ache and hurt so much that it makes it hard for me to actually go out and enjoy it. I am hoping that between the new dr I will be seeing and the PHYSIATRIST that I am going to see in a few weeks that maybe something will help. I was not sure what a physiatrist was but I guess it is a dr who specializes in various types of pain...so we shall see how that goes.
I have been working on some sewing and crochet. I want to make a batch or two of some soy wax tarts tomorrow. I have some vanilla pumpkin fragrance oil that would work well. Also Sterling wants to make some bath fizzy powder tomorrow. I have some bubble gum scented fragrance oil that would work well for that. I want to make a list of gifts that I want to make for Christmas this year. I think I should start on doing a few of them every week or so if I actually want to get them all done this year lol...I totally hope to just have fun during the holidays this year and not worry about the gifts. My kids do not need anything and they actually do not want much either. THey get gifts through out the year so really the holidays are not the only time they get stuff so that is not as big a part of Christmas for them as it may be for others. I do want to make us all matching pjs and make sure we do our gingerbread house this year, our cookie baking, fudge and all the other goodies, especially my brown sugar iced pumpkin cookies that everybody loves. I will make plenty so Ray can take some to work, I know quite a few people at his work ask about the pumpkin cookies every year.
Oh and I definitely want to make salt water taffy this year as well as lollipops.
I know my medication is working because just thinking of these things are exciting to me and when my anxiety and depression are bad nothing sounds exciting or fun to me.