wait for weight

Since my last post I have been thinking about the various reasons why I do not get out much or have people over or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Part of it is pain, part anxiety, part laziness and another part of it is my weight. I have battled my weight all my life but am currently at my highest weight ever. I was staying around 150-160 pounds for many years. That is too heavy for me but I felt good and could fit in cute clothing still and I did not constantly feel self conscious about my weight. Sure I wanted to lose weight and I was not in love with my size but I was ok with it. After all this mess with my mental illnesses started 4 years ago and I started on handfuls of medications I have put on lots of weight. I do not mean 10 or 15 pounds, I mean a lot. I do not want to admit fully how big I am but I will say I have put on roughly 50 pounds or so. I am short, 5 foot 2. I have small bones. I do not carry the extra weight well at all. I have tried diets and still have not lost weight. I thought since I started my thyroid meds that maybe that would help but so far it has not. I have some family and friends that I have not seen for 4 or 5 years and I do not want to see them because I just know their first thoughts will be **OMG she has gotten huge*. I see myself in a mirror and my heart just sinks at how big I am. I have to take the boys to PE in an hour or so and am already trying to find something to wear that does not look like I am wearing a tent. I just know people will look at me and think about my weight. It used to be that even when I was chubby that my face still looked fairly thin, but now even my face is fat. I do not look like what I want to look like.
BUT....I am wondering why am I missing out on stuff just because other people may judge my weight? I keep putting off stuff thinking that oh when I lose the weight then I will go out and do stuff. Well, it is obvious that I could be putting things off forever if I wait to be thin. When I was a teenager I put off stuff until I was thin. When I was 13 I went on a crash diet because I wanted to change from private school to public school but did not want to go to public school and be fat. So, I stayed at private school until I was thin. I did not go to the pool or the beach or talk about boys that I liked until I was thin. I just am tired of letting my weight dictate what I do or do not do...I wish it was not an issue. I wish I was thin or at least thinner. I know that not only is this extra weight mentally hindering me, it is physically hindering me as well. I know I would feel so much better if I lost weight and I AM trying. It is just not an easy thing to do at all. If it was not so hot here that would help a lot as well. I used to love to bike ride or play catch etc but geez at 100+ degrees here it is way to hot.
I am tired of wearing the same clothing over and over because I just do not find it fun to buy cute stuff in my size. Last week I did buy 2 pair of sexy panties to wear for Ray but as of yet have not put them on...I do not have any jeans. All my pants are stretch ones, like leggings etc. I am embarrassed to find out what size I would need in actual jeans. Probably a size 20 or maybe even bigger...but I am making a promise to myself that I am going to buy myself a cute pair of jeans no matter what size I need. I am also going to buy a few other cute items for myself and then go through my closet and throw away all the dingy stretched out clothing that I do have.
I am going to make an appt to get a hair cut and maybe even get my nails done.
I am going to try to treat myself better. I am going to exercise more and keep on doing weight watchers. The weight will come off, it is just going to take awhile and I am tired of putting my life on hold until I am thin.

I cry....why???

Yesterday I had my Psychiatrist appt. Nothing new about this, it has been normal for the past 4 years for me to go as often as every 2 weeks. I left the house and was driving along and the country song *remember when* came on. For some reason I just started crying. I was thinking about what I have missed out on over the past 4 years or so. How we had certain things we wanted to do in life and I feel like I ruined it for my husband and that my kids miss out on stuff because of me. There are so many things I had hoped to do with Sterling over the past few years and I missed out on them. I had so much fun the first 18months or so after having Sterling. He was the first child I had that I did not have to go back to work. I joined the MOMS club, I took him to the park, we went to library storytime, toddler bowling, arts and crafts day at the craft store, the zoo, etc. We just did all the things that I felt like I missed out on with my older kids because I had to work so much. I had an awesome birthday party for his 1st bday, made the cake, decorated the house, bought him a special outfit, made custom invitations and thank you cards etc. That is how I hoped it would continue. It all stopped August 2004 when all of this mess started. He is 6 years old now and all of those things that I had wanted to do with him never happened. I hope that now that I am doing better now that I can start doing new things with him to make up for the past few years. But, for some reason when that song came on it made me cry...but, it also made me realize that I need to make more of an effort to do stuff. I need to make sure to take enough pain meds to keep me out of extreme pain so I will feel like doing more stuff. I am allowed to take quite a bit of pain meds but I always worry that the more I take, the more I will need so I try to keep it under a certain amount. But, now I realize that is silly. I need to take what I need now and can worry about needing more later on when it happens.
The psychiatrist said I need to try to get out 2-3 times a week even if it is just for a walk down the street. That would be nice if it was not still almost 100 degrees outside.
On the way home from my appt I decided to get a haircut. I have not had my haircut in years...I finally went to get it done and of course they had over an hour wait so I left. I did go to CATO and bought a few things. A cute shirt on clearance for 1.99 and then 2 sexy pairs of lace panties that I know Ray will love...Then I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. Nothing special but it was good for me to be out for awhile.
I still am looking into trying to find a place for us to move to, to get out of this awful heat and crowd and find some place nicer to live. I just know it would be so much better to live somewhere else.
So, nothing new from the psychiatrist, just keep on the same meds. I am really happy with how these meds are working. I think my anxiety is better now then it has been in 4 years. If I was not in so much pain I would get out more. I do want to go out but I just ache and hurt so much that it makes it hard for me to actually go out and enjoy it. I am hoping that between the new dr I will be seeing and the PHYSIATRIST that I am going to see in a few weeks that maybe something will help. I was not sure what a physiatrist was but I guess it is a dr who specializes in various types of pain...so we shall see how that goes.
I have been working on some sewing and crochet. I want to make a batch or two of some soy wax tarts tomorrow. I have some vanilla pumpkin fragrance oil that would work well. Also Sterling wants to make some bath fizzy powder tomorrow. I have some bubble gum scented fragrance oil that would work well for that. I want to make a list of gifts that I want to make for Christmas this year. I think I should start on doing a few of them every week or so if I actually want to get them all done this year lol...I totally hope to just have fun during the holidays this year and not worry about the gifts. My kids do not need anything and they actually do not want much either. THey get gifts through out the year so really the holidays are not the only time they get stuff so that is not as big a part of Christmas for them as it may be for others. I do want to make us all matching pjs and make sure we do our gingerbread house this year, our cookie baking, fudge and all the other goodies, especially my brown sugar iced pumpkin cookies that everybody loves. I will make plenty so Ray can take some to work, I know quite a few people at his work ask about the pumpkin cookies every year.
Oh and I definitely want to make salt water taffy this year as well as lollipops.
I know my medication is working because just thinking of these things are exciting to me and when my anxiety and depression are bad nothing sounds exciting or fun to me.

long time, no posts..

I was almost certain I had written a message or two over the past few weeks, but either I did not or I did and they are lost in cyberspace.
I am still on 100mcg of levothyroxine. I have to get labwork done and see the dr next week and will find out then if it needs adjusting more or not. I also am waiting for an appt to the rheumatologist. There are only 3 or 4 of them in town. I saw one of them and umm....not a good one and I do not plan to go back to him. The one that I want to go to requires a doctors referral even though my insurance does not require one. I guess she just wants to make sure there is a valid reason to see her and not just because..My dr told me a few weeks ago that I needed to go see one but I guess I will get a referral from him next week.
My last set of lab results came back pretty certain of lupus and my doctor said that he would consider that a diagnosis of lupus combined with symptoms I have that are pretty unique to lupus. I have the butterfly rash on my face which gets worse in the sun. I also have all the various lab results that go along with it, my sed rate, c-reactive protein etc. I also have some odd rash that comes and goes, he mentioned that there is a form of lupus that causes skin rashes. He also gave me a huge packet of info from the Arizona Lupus society. I have not read it much, just glanced through it. I guess I really want to see the rheumatologist to get another opinion.
I guess since I have thought on and off for the past few years that I could possibly have lupus that this does not really shock me nor does it worry me all that much.
I have had some really rough days as far as pain goes...I wish that there was more that could be done for it then the constant pain pills.
Not much else has really been going on.
I see the psych dr tomorrow, no changes will be made to my meds this month. I think so far the zoloft is working better then any of the other pills I have tried.
Oh, on another fun note....I guess oxycontin no longer makes a generic...so, instead of me paying 10 dollars a month for the generic, I have to pay 100 a month for the name brand. Which I still consider myself lucky because without insurance it runs over 500 dollars a month.
I have been going next door to my parents house every afternoon to take care of my dads wound on his leg. It is getting better but is still really deep and big and needs a dressing change each day. Of course my mom could do it...she is there and not doing anything but she would rather act helpless and have me come over there and do it. I do not mind doing it but it is just the fact that she really has no concern for how I feel just as long as I do my dads stuff that is all she worries about.
My mom is still talking about moving to california with my brother. My dad is going to my brothers in october and I guess he will decide then if he will move out there with my mom or what...
It is hot hot hot here still and I still hate it. I have been tossing around ideas of moving. Ray is all for it. There is not much holding us here other then Rays job but I know he can get another one very easily. He has so much experience and is trained in pediatrics and neonatal ICU as well as PFT, bronchs and much more so I am sure he could find a job. It is just a bit scary to up and move...but I am seriously considering it.