chaos, messes and more

I hate chaos and just feel like my house is cluttered and it makes everything seem chaotic. I do not like my house to be messy. I like it to be super clean with everything in its place. I want it to look like one of the models homes that you go look at when you want to buy a new home. My ocd makes me want to have everything perfect but my physical problems and fatigue keep me from making things perfect.
I just do not even know where to start. A friend has been trying to help me start on the fly lady program and to make a control journal but I just can't seem to even get started.
I am lazy. I like to read books, watch tv, watch dvds, sew, play on the computer and just basically lay around. I am trying to not be so lazy but then I figure why not. There is nothing wrong with being lazy except then I feel like I am wasting my life. But I can not understand how people figure out if you are wasting your life or not. No matter what I do with my life, I will eventually die. We all die. So, if I climb a mountain and cure cancer or if I lay on the couch and watch tv, it will still end the same way.
I realized something odd this week...the sight of blood and gore makes me sick. This is something new to me. I used to love to watch trauma shows and when I worked in the hospital, nothing made me sick. The grosser it looked, the cooler it was. The site of blood and guts was just common and was no big deal. I could be thinking about what I was going to cook for dinner while I was in the middle of cleaning out a pus filled wound. I guess all that has changed. My mind is weaker now and I guess everything is different then It used to be. The other night I was watching a show called scar or something like that. It showed people doing stunts similar to those done on the show jack ass but they mess up and fall and break bones and get hurt. About 5 minutes into it, I could not watch it anymore. I just could not. I had to keep looking away.
When I told my husband that I could not watch it, he was surprised also. He told me "you used to be so strong". I sure wish I was still strong now....
I have been working on relaxation this past week. I want to get some relaxation tapes and try them. When I have started feeling the globus feeling in my throat I have made an effort to lay down, close my eyes and focus on breathing in and out. I relax all my body and try to imagine the stress and anxiety leaving me. It has seemed to help some. I need to keep working on it.
I still do not want to leave the house. I keep saying I will go somewhere but then just have not ended up going.
Well, I have a few topics in my mind that I want to journal about so will have a few more entries in the next day or so.