My mother....

My mother, wow she rates for an entire journal entry of her own. This is an anonymous blog so I have no worries that she will read it, but hey MOM...if you are reading this I am sure you know I am talking about you because not many people are so totally whacked as you.
Hmmmm where to start??? I have a feeling this will be a long entry. I have wanted to journal about my mother all my life but there is so many things to say about her that I do not know where to start ( Oh, there is plenty to say about my dad and he is next...I will make another post to honor him as well...)
All my childhood memories of my mother are negative ones. My mother strived on chaos and making my life as full of stress and negativity as possible. My mom not only saw the glass half empty, she saw it cracked and dirty as well. She was cruel about quite a few things yet loved to play the martyer so always had to be the victom in everything.
I cannot remember one event that included my mother that did not leave me in tears or embarrased beyond belief. My mother loved everybody to think she was so kind and sharing that she would give things to other people that we did not even have ourselfs. She would bake huge batches of cookies and fudge and candy for Christmas and give them all away and not let my brother or myself have any. She would maybe let us have one if they were burned or broken but the rest was for other people. She would buy gifts for other people that she would say she could not afford. She would be so pleasant to other people but as soon as we were home she was not so nice at all. I would not say she was physically abusive though she did enjoy hitting me with a wooden spoon, fly swatter etc but not to the point I would think of it as abuse. She did 100% mentally and emotionally abuse me. I think she also made me feel emotionally empty most of the time. She liked to think she made me feel loved and did all these great things for me but in the end I did not feel any of the love because there was always a condition to her giving the love, always a string attatched.
I learned to never share personal stuff with my mother. She turned everything around and made it into something it was not. She liked to embellish stories and tell my dad them when he came home from work and then I think she sat back and smirked while he yelled at us for what we did and then when I said I had not done that then he was even more mad because he said that I was calling my mom a liar...she was and still is a liar, a manipulator and a very selfish self centered person.
I will end this post for tonight because I am going to bed but I will finish it in a day or so...there is so much to write that it may take awhile

Made it through the New Year

Well, the holidays were less then optimal. I learned quite a bit about people who I thought cared about myself and my kids. I learned my mom is very selfish and does not care about my family at all. Actually that is fine. I have much more about this topic and will make its own post about my family.
I started on another new medication called lyrica. So far it has done nothing for my pain and I still take about 5-6 oxycodone a day and that really does not even help much.
I also upped my wellbutrin even more. I now take 150mg two times a day. I have only been at this dose for about a week and have not noticed much other then some bothersome side effects that I am sure will go away with time.
I took up a new hobby, knitting. I have to sit in a certain position so it does not hurt my neck and shoulders but I have found I can knit with little to no arm movement and just move my hands a bit.
I am still waiting on my disability hearing. The lawyer says the case looks good. All my dr's are supportive of my claim. I have letters and records and all sorts of supporting stuff for my case. I am just now waiting on a hearing date. My lawyer will fly in for the hearing.
One of my best online friends had a new baby last month and I am very happy for her. I am also happy that she is feeling better and able to email back and forth with me again. Her and I have so much and so little at the same time in common but we have been emailing for over 3 years and are both so open minded that even if we both think differently about something we can still both chat about it. It is amazing that even after a few months of hardly emailing each other that as soon as we started back up again it was just like we had been talking all this time.
I still really wish I could find some local friends but I guess I am not quite ready for the work that having a friend would be.
I do have some resoltions for the new year and will post those in another post tommorow.

So far so good..

Well, I have survived about 2 hours with the new medication. I guess if I was allergic to it I would have dropped dead already...
Thanks to everybody ( YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who talked to me this morning and helped me get through the past few hours...

The sky is falling

The sky is falling..yes I feel like chicken little, everything is a catastrophe.
I just swallowed the new medication I mentioned in my last post and fear that it will kill me.
I started wellbutrin sr 150 mg...It was added to my other medications to help me not feel so sluggish and tired. But of course I think it may kill me. I have had the prescription for almost 2 months. I waited and waited to take it. I made sure to start it this morning because my husband is home for the weekend so if I die he will be here..I know this sounds extreme but that is how I feel.
I google side effects, I look up law suits against the drug, I think about the worst case scenario..
Of course now I think I will have an allergic reaction and my throat will swell shut and I will die.
I stood in the kitchen with the pill in my hand and a glass of water for 30 minutes before I swallowed it.
Maybe I should have taken it with a xanax..or a few xanax. Thay way I either would not worry about the pill killing me or if it did kill me I would not mind as much..
Well..hopefully this is not the last post from me.
I will post in awhile with an update..

Starting a new medication

I have had a prescription here for almost 6 weeks that the psych dr wrote me to start taking but I have been to worried to start. I have huge panic attacks and anxiety over the thought of trying a new medication. I promised the dr I would not look up on the internet about the side effects because he knew that would freak me out. Well, I lied...I did look up the side effects and now am scared that I will either get blisters inside my mouth and eyes, have a huge seizure or just die from the medication.
I have decided to take it thuogh since I think the benefit will outweigh the risk...I start the medication tommorow morning, so if my blog has no more entries you know the medication did me in...

Self imposed hibernation

I have been doing much better about getting out and going to the stores etc. For almost 3 years my agoraphobia kept me near homebound. Well I think the holidays have caused a set back in that for now. I do not think I can go out to the stores until the holidays are over. I went to wal-mart the other day and it was so crowded and chaotic I had to talk myself into staying and finishing my shopping. I stocked up on tons of sewing supplies and other stuff so I will not have to go to the store again for quite sometime. I have most of the gifts already bought and the rest I will buy online. I cannot deal with the noise and all the people. I have had 2 panic attacks in the past week and I think most of it is from the stress of the holidays coming up.

I also think bad things can happen being around so many people. I am sure most of these worries are a bit unrealistic but they can happen. I worry about exposure to germs, coughing kids, people with the flu. I also saw a news show the other day where a man went into a crowded shopping mall and shot people and held others hostage. I worry that this could happen at some crowded place that I am shopping in.

I have had people ask me if I get bored at home. I do NOT get bored at home. It feels good to get out because it shows me that I am doing well but if I never leave my house I have plenty to do here. I love to read, play on the computer, nap, watch tv, sew, crochet, scrapbook and other crafts.

It is no wonder...

It is no wonder I grew up to be a neurotic mess. My entire family is a psychiatrist dream. I was just thinking back to when I first started feeling anxious, and it probably started before I was even born. My mother used to tell us all sorts of awful things would happen to us and I would obsess over these grisly tales she told...here are a few for your viewing pleasure....
A few things my mom used to tell me..
Dont swing to high on the swing, it will flip over the top and break your neck.
You cant dye your hair, it will turn to straw and fall out.
Do not eat that, it will make your teeth rot out of your head
Do not sit so close to the tv you will go blind
Do not ride roller coasters you will fall off and die
Do not swim in peoples pools, they may have a whirlpool and you will drown
Do not pick your nose your finger may go into your brain and kill you.
Do not touch the car door while I am driving, the door may open and you will fall out on the road
Do not walk around with a sucker in your mouth, you will fall and the sucker will kill you
Cut your steak away from your body or your knife will slip and you will stab yourself
Do not ever use salt or your blood pressure will get high and your kidneys will fail
If you do not brush your hair a spider will think it is a nest and lay eggs in it
Do not go in the ocean a rip tide will pull you out and you will drown
Do not walk on the beach with no shoes you will get your toes cut off on broken glass
Do you use a snorkal, a bee could fly down it and sting inside your throat and you will die
Do not buy ice cream from the ice cream truck, it could be poisoned
If you drink out of a drinking fountain it could be poisoned as well..
If you wear shoes with no socks you will get an infection
If you wear no underwear you will get an infection
If you sit in a wet bathing suit you will get an infection
If you eat a jaw breaker you will choke and die
Even if the olives are supposed to be pitted there may still be a pit and you will choke and die


And on and on and on..oh and most of these stories were followed by her telling me about somedody she knew that had this happen to them...niiice...

Having children..

Well, I am done having babies. We had planned to have maybe another 1 or 2 but there is no way that I can physically or mentally have more babies. I am sad that I am done but also relieved. It is not fair to myself or the kids for me to have more. It makes it very hard on days that I do not feel well. Today as an example...I am very tired, have not slept well for awhile and actually could hardly sleep at all most of the weekend. This morning was rough and I took a xanax and now am so groggy I just want to crawl in bed. I cannot crawl in bed. I have a 3 year old counting on me. He wants to play and do things and I just want to sleep. I look forward to the day he is in school so if I am not feeling well I can just climb back into bed. Oh today would be such a great day for that. It is chilly and a bit dark outside, I have the heater on and it is just perfect to crawl back in bed with a book and spend the day there.

What I wished I knew last year..

The one thing that I wished I knew when this all started is that someday I would feel normal again. When it first started all I could think of was how life would never be the same. I looked at my children and cried because I thought I could never be the mom I wanted to be. I thought I would never be able to take them anwyhere without fear of having a panic attack. I was trying different medications and suffering from side effects. I never thought I would just be myself and be able to enjoy normal everyday activities.
I do feel normal again. It took me from august 12th 2004 until around april 2005 to start getting back to feeling like myself.
Looking back I think if somebody had told me that once I got on the right medications that I would be much better I would have felt much more at ease. I was blessed to have a great psych dr though who told me that he would try every medication he had to for me to get better. My regular dr also told me the same thing but not one person told me that I would get over it and get back to the things I enjoy.
When I posted earlier about my purpose of writing this blog I left out one of the main reasons...and that is so others that are going through the same thing will read it and know that they will feel like themselves again someday as well.
I hope to be comfortable enough someday to publicly share this blog along with me contact info so I can chat with others that may be going through what I was last year.
I know that I have been very open about my problems on a few forums I go to and that I have had personal emails from people going through similar problems and the one thing I tell them is that they will feel normal again and it seems like they were needing to hear that. I thought at first that maybe it was just me that felt that way but it seems to be a common feeling for people with mental illness, that they worry that they will never feel normal again.
I am soo glad to feel the way I do today, even though it is not the way I used to feel a few years ago. I am able to enjoy life, my kids, my husband, my friends. I have my hobbies back. I love to read and craft and sew. I love to scrapbook. I love learning new things and I can enjoy that now. I am looking forward to the holidays and am so excited that I want to get out and do things and prepare for the holidays.
There are a few things that I can not do and probably will not ever be able to but I try no to dwell on that because I am just sooo pleased with how I am doing now compared to last year. I probably will not ever be able to go back to work. I have other problems besides my mental health problems that combined together prevent me from holding a job. I am in pain daily. I have fibromyalgia, bone spurs in my neck that are pinching nerves, periperal neuropathy, 5 surgeries on my knee with a bone graph from my hip, and I have a few other equally unfun ailments that would make holding a job very unlikely. I am dealing with applying for disability now and it is a long process.
Well..it looks like I am in a rambling mood tonight...so I will end this post by saying how thankful I am to be feeling the way I am today even if it is not what I hoped to be feeling like it is more then I could have hoped for last year..I have much to be thankful for this thanksgiving...

What it feels like to me

Everybody experiences a panic attack differently. My panic attacks are very very severe and most people with panic attacks do not even have them as bad as I do. Mine cause me to have very bad physical symptoms and then the panic attack feeds upon the physical symptoms and then it sort of snowballs and causes more symptoms which causes more panic.
There is nothing really that sets off a panic attack, it is just something wrong in my head..maybe a short circuit, who knows..but for no reason, out of the blue I will feel my heart start to race. My throat feels like it is closing up, like I have something tied around my neck. I start shaking and start sweating even though I usually feel icy cold. I can't catch my breath. I start pacing trying to get away from whatever it is that is causing me this panic..but it just makes it worse...after a few mintues I start thinking I am dying..if my husband is home I usually tell him that something is wrong, that I am choking that I cannot breath. He now knows that this is a panic attack. On one level I know that this is what it is as well, but on another level I start worrying that maybe this time it really is a heart attack or something awful..if my husband is not home I usually call him crying that I am dying...though I try not to bother him anymore. I often now just get online and try to chat with somebody to take my mind off of it...
Now, for me this can last up to 4 hours or more and then can start all over again..
I usually can medicate myself enough to make it stop but it often takes enough xanax to make me fall asleep for this to stop...
There is not any one certain thing that sets it off though there are a few triggers that I have noticed make me start feeling this way. One thing that causes it is to hear about diseases...I then look them up online and start thinking of have the symptoms of it and that I have that disease. Another thing is watching medical shows like Trauma life in the Er or anything like that. This is very very odd for me since I was a nurse and thrived on the adrenaline rush of that sort of thing but I can no longer watch this sort of show.
One other thing that always causes a panic attack is taking a new medication. No matter what it is, it causes me to think I am having an allergic reaction to it and I will die. Of course I have never had an allergic reaction and now I fear that I am like the boy crying wolf and when I really do have a problem nobody will believe me..
Another big problem that sets off the panic attacks is the globus hystericus that I suffer from...the dr nor I am unsure what came first, the globus or the anxiety. They both started about the same time. Yes I know that the globus will cause me no harm but it feels like I am choking. It makes me feel like my throat will close up and I will choke. I cannot imagine that most people who had this feeling would not start to panic.
I have not had much problems lately with going out. I get out to the gym almost everyday though that is mostly because I feel comfortable there now since I have my workouts set up by a trainer and he keeps track of everything I do. I do not like crowded stores and try to go early or late in the day. With the holidays coming I will probably be staying home and away from the stores. I dont like lots of people and especially lots of kids running around just drives me batty...so I try to stay away from places that are bound to be overcrowded...