Palace or Prison?

I have thought about this question off and on. Is my home my palace or my prison? I am stuck here and can not leave due to my fears and phobias. For awhile I thought of it as my prison. I think I have worked hard to make it more a palace. ( Ok...it is a mobile home but still ya know...) I have everything I need here. I am comfortable here. I have one room of the house that I call my room. It is an extra living room and it is set up with everything I could need. I have my computer, my sewing machine, fans, lights, tv, remote controls, dvds, stereo, phone, treadmill, my blanket for snuggling on the couch, windows to look out and see the wildlife outside ( if you call snakes and ground squirrels wildlife..there have been hours that the ground squirrels have entertained me..) I have my 2 dogs by my side every second of the day. I have shelves of books. I can chat with all my friends online. Luckily I enjoy being home. Luckily I live in an era of technology. I can not imagine what a prison my life would feel like if I did not have access to the outside world through my computer.

Fish on a hook

I have tried to explain agoraphobia before but I really think this video makes a lot of sense.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=211265947557574874
Check out this video, it is only 3 minutes long and well worth watching.
This is very close to how I feel. I want to go out and I want to do things with friends and my kids. I just can't. I know that does not make any sense to most people. I have had people tell me that I just need to get out of the house and I do try. I have every intention to go out but as the time gets closer to me having to leave I start having symptoms of panic and anxiety. I start feeling sick to my stomach and having a hard time catching my breath. My heart starts racing. I become very irritable because I am frustrated and had high hopes that this time would be different and I would be able to go out and not have these symptoms. I finally decide that I can not go out. Slowly I calm back down but after my panic levels are back to normal I trade those feelings for depression and disappointment. I get depressed because of guilt that I am not doing the things with my kids that I feel I should be doing. Of course the more I focus on this, the worse it makes me feel.

I do want to make goals to get out but now with gas prices going up and it being so hot, I almost feel like I can use that as an excuse. But, I know that I need to work at this.
Tomorrow I am making a goal to go to goodwill. It is only about 2 miles from here, maybe less. I want to go there and just make it a goal to go in. Usually, once I make it in to a place I do better. It is the anticipation and planning that is the hard part.
Since the first of the year, besides dr appts, I think I have gone out 2 times. That is just not good. I really need to get out 1 time a week. Even just to go to the library or somewhere. The longer I go without leaving, the harder it gets to leave. Once I start going out on a more regular basis it will become more habit and I will get used to it. Just starting is the hard part. Just imagine if each time you wanted to leave the house you felt sick and could not breath....after awhile you would just stop wanting to go out. No matter how badly you wanted to go out the symptoms of panic would make you decide it was just easier to stay home.

oooops

Ok, obviously I have done something way wrong with my photos on here.
I had it all figured out when I was using photobucket and I could easily resize my pics. I changed to snapfish because I prefer to order my prints from there and I can upload tons and tons of pics very easily. I am going to need to figure out how to fix this. It looks awful!!!!

cute little reversible cross over dress

I think this is just sooo cute. It needs a few adjustments to the pattern before I sew it again. It seems a bit to boxy for me and needs to be narrowed down. The cross over part crosses over a bit too much. I also am not happy about the snap placement. But, it still is cute and would be an adorable summer dress or swim suit cover up.
Here is a pic of the reverse print of the dress

Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

A few of my recent sewing projects

I have been trying to get some sewing done. I have sewn lots and lots of doll slings and doll diapers recently and am taking a tiny bit of a break from them to sew some other things. I do not sew for any specific person, just look through patterns and pick whatever I feel like sewing. When I am done sewing then I usually just find somebody who wants what I made and give it away.
The past few days I have been sewing purses and totes. None are totally finished but I will post pics when they are done.
Here is a cute baby outfit I made. I think it is about a size 9-12 months. It is 2 tops and 1 bottom. Each top is reversible though so it can be worn at least a few different ways.
(Oh, I still have to add snaps to the shoulders)

Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

This second shirt also reverses to a solid print on the other side. This is a cute little summer outfit. The back of it crosses in the back.

More goodies

I have a few more pictures of some other goodies I got in the mail in the past week or so.
I ordered this stuff from house of tarts, well now actually it is called hot scents boutique.
I love all her products and she is such a nice gal. Anytime I email her she emails me right back and is so helpful. She will mix any scent that you would like. I have no clue how she comes up with all these awesome scents but they are amazing. I had a bottle of perfume in candied musk scent and wow was it awesome. It is gone now, Sterling loved it...he loved it a little to much and went around spraying random stuff with it. My house smelled good but my poor bottle of perfume was used up way to quickly. I have a list of other scents I have tried and love. Right now I am wearing a body spray in cherry lollipop...not a scent I would think I would like but she sent it as a free sample and it really is a nice scent. She sends quite a few samples and every time I get hooked on a new scent. I love the samples because usually she sends scents that I would otherwise have never tried. That is how I came upon candied musk. I have never ever been a big fan of musk..and candied musk just sounds um..a bit icky.
Ok..I have pictures and a list of scents but it is almost 1 am and need to finish this up. I will add the pics tomorrow.
Pics added

Top is sugar scrubs. The pink one is jelly belly tini and is extra creamy formula. The blue one is island blue rum runner and is in the just right formula. OMG...they smell soooo good and leave my skin so soft. They both smell awesome. The island blue rum runner is not a scent I would have thought to order but she included it with my order as a free sample and I love it.
The bottom 2 are silk whip body cream. They are soft and fluffy and feel like whipped cream. I got pomegranate cotton candy and hot pink mama.. she also sent a small sample of banana.
This is all my goodies from this order. I think this is my 5th order from here and every single one I have loved. The tarts are sooo yummy and strong. Right now I am melting fruit and butter cookie scent and it is awesome. Some of my faves are fruit lewp, tutti fruiti bubble gum, cotton candy clouds, iced rose, orange county housewives, hawaiian cherries and many many more. There have only been a few that I have not cared for.
The perfume samples are all awesome. Some of the best are cherry lollipop, tropical wedding cake strawberry buttercream, pink young lady, frosted pink cupcake with sprinkles. But they are all yummy.
Here is a link to her site http://www.hotscentboutique.com/ if you order make sure you use my name as a referral and I will get some free goodies if you order.

How?

I am trying to understand how this happens...how do you have a friend one day that says that you are their best friend, they think you are like a sister and then the next day they ignore you and act like they no longer want to be your friend?
I am a loyal friend. Friends until the end. Friends through thick and thin, ups and downs, good times and bad times. I guess I just expected the same in return. I can think of only a few things that somebody could do to me to make me stop being their friend. Things like stealing from me, sleeping with my husband...that sort of stuff. Petty stuff like white lies, small arguments, not agreeing over something etc just does not really bother me.
I would do anything for a friend. I would give them the shirt off my back and my shoes and anything else they needed. I feel like having a friend takes work and is a two way street. If one friend is putting way more into the friendship then the other then it is not an equal friendship.
What saddens me the most is to think that our friendship, which I found very important, seems to be so disposable to the other person. There was no real falling out, no fight, no huge problem that happened to cause this. Just a few things that did not turn out the way my friend wanted them to, which was not my fault, and she has decided to abandon the friendship. I have tried to revive it. Written as if nothing has happened, written and asked what was wrong, written and asked over and over for forgiveness( for what I am not sure because I did not do anything wrong), told her I was sorry for anything that she may think I have done, written and asked about things going on in her life, written and offered to send her goodies and all to no avail. I got an email or two back in reply. Mere sentences that was not much more then you would expect from a stranger, not from somebody who said they cared and loved you.
I am confused . Wondering what I did so wrong in her eyes that would warrant her not wanting to be a part of my life and me a part of hers.
So, this has left me confused and mostly wondering how??? how does this happen.
whew, I needed to get that off my chest lol
It is all ok though, I have a best friend who would never do this to me. I have other friends who would come to me if we had a problem and work it out. This has upset me mostly because I did not do anything and because I just can not figure it out. But I am able to move on, leave the past in the past and only spend the present and the future nurturing friendships that are worthy of more then a quick abandon if at anytime the journey gets a bit bumpy.
I know who my friends are. I want friends who will not ditch me when the going gets tough. That is when a true friend hangs on the tightest. I have spent enough time going over and over in my head what it is I did so wrong and how can I regain this friendship but I realize that it is not my problem. I reached out numerous times and it has not done any good. I will not beg for a friend or spend anymore time thinking about it. I have other more positive things to do with my time and other friends that enjoy my friendship and who want to share things in their life with me and want to hear what is going on in my life.
I am a loyal friend and I guess I expect that in return.
On to a lighter note lol..my best friend is going to be a grandma. I am so excited for her and I can not wait to start helping sew up the baby stuff. Hopefully in the next few weeks they will find out the gender of the baby and then it will be time to start sewing sewing sewing. My other friend is due in august with a baby girl and I am sure I have some pretty girly fabric that is just waiting for me to sew it up into cute stuff.

fun grab bags

Well, I should say fun grab boxes. This past month I bought a few from a couple of companies. The first one, Little Black Box is one that I had wanted for awhile but just was always to late to order one before they are sold out. They usually go on sale about the 25th of the month and see out the same day. They cost about 25 dollars but I got a deal that if I paid for 2 months in advance I got 2 months for 43 dollars and that included shipping. I was so pleased with all the goodies I got so figured I would share pics of my stuff. Oh, well I should actually describe what the boxes are. They are boxes of samples from all different etailers. They send in samples to the company and the company makes them into boxes and then ships them out. Not only did I get the samples and some full size items but I got coupon codes for discounts on my first purchase from the companies. This is such a neat idea because otherwise I would not have heard of most of these companies.
here is my box from little black box. I should have taken the picture much closer up so you could actually see what I got. Next time I will make sure to get better pictures. I expect my next box to mail out about the 25th of this month...check back and I will post pics of that.
I also ordered a box from Lemming Central. It is the same idea, box of samples. I was so excited with all the goodies I totally forgot to take pictures. I wish I had because out of the 3 companies I got boxes from this past month the one from Lemming Central was my favorite. They do not have one every month like the other 2 companies. I think Lemming central has a box every other month. I know they did not have one in May but they will have one in June..and I will be ordering one lol

The 3rd place I ordered from was snowberry creek candles. I had not heard much about them before but figured it was worth a shot. The box cost about 23 dollars and that included priority mail shipping. I loved everything in it. The other cool thing is....when you order a box you get entered into a drawing for either a full size product or a free box the following month. I did not think about it because I never win any of those types of things. Imagine my surprise when I got an email saying that I would be getting a free box in May because I won the drawing. YEEEEHAWWWW lol. The purple cellophane bag has teas and coffees from sbs teas. The coffee was delicious. The teas look yummy but I am not a huge fan of loose teas. I am going to pass them on to a friend. I also got teas from sbs teas in my box from lemming central and I got tea from blue raven tea in my box from little black box.

High school confidental

I have watched this show this past season and it got me thinking about how things could have been so different if I had a different high school experience. If I could go back in time there are quite a few things I would do differently. The first thing I wish I had known in high school is that it was not important to have to have a boyfriend. I started out high school so excited about what was to come. I was in band and so had a large group of friends. My first semester was so fun. I played in the marching band at all the football games, we did lots of parades. I was invited to go to parties and to movies and always did something fun on the weekend like miniature golf, skating, ice skating, or just out for ice cream. By my second semester I was starting to focus on boyfriends. By march I had a serious boyfriend. I did not realize it then but that was a downfall. I started withdrawing from my group of friends. I could not concentrate on my schooling because I was always concerned about boy stuff...I was an emotional mess, worried about if my boyfriend was going to break up with me, or if I was going to see him that day or why had he not called the night before etc. I stopped doing fun stuff with my girl friends. I started being that needy girl who could not make up my own mind. The summer between 10th and 11th grade I spent almost every day with my boyfriend. I was totally isolated from my friends and the things that I used to do. It was not totally bad because my boyfriend was a great guy. He was older then me so he had just graduated. Of course I could not imagine going to 11th grade and not having my boyfriend there. It was a really hard time to start 11th grade after spending most of the summer with my boyfriend. When school started and he did not go to the same school with me anymore I was rather lost. I had fallen into the thought that I needed a boyfriend to complete me.
I ended up breaking up with him and within days had another boyfriend....this new boyfriend was not a good guy at all. He treated me badly and made me feel like I deserved it. I lost all self confidence in myself. I had no self esteem. I was failing out of my classes, I ditched at least one day a week.
I think if I could change one thing about high school it would be that I realized that there would be plenty of time for boyfriends and that I should focus on other things as well as make sure to maintain friendships with my girl friends.
I have more to write on this topic but it is midnight so I will have to finish tomorrow...

why?

Why do I purposely do things that cause me anxiety? Well, maybe it is not totally on purpose, it just kind of happens that way.
Before I started having all my health problems I worked in the medical field. I was a respiratory therapist and then went on to get a degree in nursing. Anything that had to do with medicine, illnesses etc totally fascinated me. About a year before I stopped working I was seriously looking into finally fulfilling a dream of mine. I had always wanted to work at st judes childrens research hospital in Tennessee. I had found out that they had an internship of sorts that was over the summer. They covered room and board as well as a small stipend. It would be a great opportunity to see what goes on in research and to see the hospital and decide if it was something for me to pursue or not.
Once I started with my panic stuff, anything related to an illness would cause panic.
For some reason though I still find myself drawn towards reading stories of peoples illnesses. I guess the part of me that used to be interested in that sort of stuff still remains...even though the rest of me just can not deal with hearing about that sort of stuff.
I was browsing the internet earlier and of course I come across a site that has peoples stories of their illnesses. Sort of like an online journal that they can keep of their hospital stay so friends and family can be updated. I started reading. It was interesting to hear some of the new ways they are treating certain diseases. At first it was ok for me...then my heart started beating faster. I kept reading because it was interesting and I kept telling myself that the illnesses I was reading about were not anything that I had to worry about. But, then of course I start wondering if maybe I have the disease. The one story, the lady had cancer. She was having pains in her ribs. Well, my ribs have hurt for months. She also was tired all the time and I have been tired for a long time also. I started going down the list of symptoms she had and I started thinking that wow I have some of those also. That is when I started to panic and started to imagine some of the symptoms. Now I start checking myself for other symptoms. Feeling my breasts and any other place I can for lumps. Feeling all my lymph nodes. Listening to my heart and lungs. Checking my pupils etc..just checking myself to see if I have any other symptom all the while praying that no other symptoms will show up. I look in the mirror and start imagining myself with a feeding tube or an ET tube. Or what I would look like laying in the hospital bed. My one big fear of a terminal illness is that I am so scared to suffer. I am afraid that I will be short of breath and feel like I am choking. By this time I am in a full fledged anxiety attack. The kids are asking me something and I scream at them to just leave me alone that I am busy. Of course I did not tell them that mama was busy freaking out over a disease that somebody else has...I finally do get myself settled down. Convinced myself that I probably do not have this disease and decide that I will have the dr write me up a form to go get a bunch of lab work done this week so I can be reassured that I am ok.
I really need to not look at these sorts of medical sites. I need to stick to the forums and other peoples online drama posts lol and not read anything that sets me off. Realistically I know that everybody dies and that I will die one day also but I just get nothing good out of focusing on it and worrying about it. Every time I cause myself to get worked up like this it is just a step back and it makes me feel very anxious for days and makes me super aware of any little thing that may be a sign that something is wrong with me.
I see the psych dr on the 15th and I really need to set up some appts to see the therapist as well. I need to talk to somebody about all the anger and stuff that I have towards my parents and other things in my life but I also need to learn some cognitive behavior therapy to help deal with some of my anxiety. I have been trying to meditate and relax when I feel anxiety coming on and it does seem to help some but I do know there are other techniques that are supposed to help some.
The good news is, I have not had to use the xanax nearly as much this month as I have been. I have gone days at a time without needing to take one at all.
I need to head to bed now and just think about crafts or sewing and nice things lol.
I do have some sewing projects that I completed that I plan to add to my blog tomorrow. I also am going to make some peach cobbler tomorrow with Sterling. We were going to do it today but it just did not happen. I also have everything set out to make soap playdough using melt and pour glycerin soap, liquid glycerin, scent and color. I think it will be lots of fun. We have bubble gum fragrance oil to use. I plan to take pictures and maybe add a tutorial for the soap dough. I have a tutorial for wax tarts to add also and a few other thing. So many things I want to do...not nearly enough energy and motivation to do them.