You may be right, I may be crazy

Where I want to move..

2009-07-21T16:35:00.000-07:00

I know this is just pretty far fetched in thinking that we could actually pack up and move out of this hot hellish state but there is an area that I have dreamed about for years. I do not take it seriously because it does get cold and snow there and I always wanted to stay away from snow. I seriously dream of the harbor and the ocean and can see this area so clearly in my mind but I have never been there. Where might this be??? Maine...not just any area of Maine but Portland Maine. I never ever knew there was a Portland Maine. I had heard of Portland Oregon but not Maine. I kept daydreaming and actually night-dreaming of a place that I wanted to move. I can not stand it here. The summer has depressed me. The quality of living here is awful and I just feel like there is nothing here for me. Anyways, the other day I was looking over blogs and I came upon a blog that had pictures and the pictures were just like my dreams and thoughts. The water, the streets, the trees, everything was just the way I imagined the place that I want to live in. I did not know what the place was called so I looked further and found that the photos were of Portland Maine. I know it gets cold there and I know it snows there but maybe I am willing to deal with that if it would give me a change from where I am at right now.
I am not sure if it is even a possiblilty. Maybe in the future?? who knows. Maybe I will rent a summer rental there next summer and see if ray can get off for a month or so of work. Maybe I will never get there at all. But, I do hope that someday I can get away from the heat here and move somewhere that is worthy of dreaming about.

Weight watchers re-do

2009-07-21T16:31:00.000-07:00

Ok...I must admit...I can not stick to a diet plan without knowing that I have to go and be weighed. I signed up for actual weight watcher meetings instead of online ones and I went to my first one today. I weigh the same now as I do when I started the online program, so that is good..I did not gain anything. So, this is week 1 and I weigh in next tuesday and we will see how I do. I need to lose close to 100 pounds. I would be happy with 70 pounds or so lost but we will see how I feel as I go along. I do know I will feel better mentally and physically once I start losing weight. I can feel that my thyroid meds need adjusting. All the symptoms of low thyroid are showing again. Dry skin, dry hair, feeling cold, very tired, etc. I have a lab slip to get my thyroid tested. I see the doctor thursday so I SHOULD have gotten the lab work done last week so he would be able to have the results by my appt...guess I should have planned better lol.

week 1 weigh in

2009-07-08T19:23:00.000-07:00

Ok...one week on weight watchers. I stuck to the plan very well. I ate fruits and veggies. Drank all my water etc. The only thing I did not get in was my exercise. I guess that makes a huge difference because after the first week is over I stepped on the scale and gained 1 pound. How is that possible??? grr. I will keep at it. I am frustrated and usually that would be enough to make me give up but nope, I am going to stick with it..

Day 2

2009-07-02T18:51:00.001-07:00

Today was day 2 on weight watchers. I have done really well with my eating and drinking water and writing down what I eat. I need to work on the exercise but I just have so much pain that I am not in the mood to do much but I have done a lot of walking in place...not sure if that does much but it must be better then doing nothing.
I will weigh in on tuesday and see if I lost anything. I am hoping for at least a few pounds a week..

Starting weight watchers

2009-06-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

I signed up for 3 months of weight watchers at home. I will start tomorrow. I am hopeful that this will be the time I can stick to this. I will make a grocery list tomorrow and have Ray pick up what I need for 7 days at a time.

Just whining

2009-06-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

I just need a moment or two to feel sorry for myself and then I will brush myself off, shake it off and go on with the rest of the day.
I usually just take things as they come and I know I have limitations and pain and can not do stuff that I really wish I could do. I usually just move onto something I can do and enjoy the hobbies and crafts that I can do.
When I see other people my age doing active activities that I wish I could do I just brush it off but I am just struggling a bit this past week with just how much stuff I am missing out on.
I am trying to focus on the things that I can do and will try to find some new things that I can do so I feel like I am not just doing the same thing day after day. I think maybe partially I am just bored. I love my hobbies but I think I just need something new to do for a bit. Maybe I will break out a different lens on my camera and try out some new settings and see if I can have some fun with my Nikon...maybe I will load the photoshop program I have and finally figure out how to edit photos. Maybe I will make a special effort to sign onto my yahoo messenger so I can chat with my online friends...that always helps me feel better.

pain in my....

2009-06-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

pain in my everywhere. At least that is how it felt today. I have had a rough day with pain today. Everything hurts and I am sore everywhere. I feel like I have been dropped off a cliff and then trampled on by a herd of horses and then run over by a train. My hips hurt, my feet hurt, my neck and shoulders hurt etc. I really hate being in pain. It makes me miserable and grouchy and I feel like I get really impatient with the kids and they do not understand why I am snapping at them for no reason. I try my best to still be pleasant but it does not always work. I got 3 hours of sleep last night because I could not get comfortable. I am heading to bed in a few moments and am hoping I can get a good night sleep. I think I may go soak in the jacuzzi tub first.
I plan to start weight watchers on monday. They have a sale on signing up now and I just can not get and stay motivated on my own. I know I do better when I go to meetings and have to be weighed each week. I really want to lose weight for quite a few reasons and I just know that I will feel so much better emotionally and physically once I lose weight.
No plans for tomorrow really. I have quite a few projects I want to get sewn but that just depends on how my pain is tomorrow.
I have been watching the 2nd season of whale wars today. It is on my on demand program from comcast. I never saw the first season so was not even sure what it was really about but there was nothing else on. I think I will see about getting the first season from netflix. So far the second season looks interesting. I just watched the first, second and part of the 3rd episode. I think if I saw the first season then it would make more sense to me because I still can not quite figure out exactly what they plan to do to the whale hunters. It almost seems like they are trying to solve something with more violence but then again I did not see enough of it yet to fully understand.
Ray is off the next 5 days. We need to sit down and work on a better written budget and also make a few lists of things that we want to get done in the future.
It looks like mom is going to be moving to california. She went there last week with my brother for a visit and while she was there she found a cute home she liked and it was for rent and so she signed a 1 year lease. She is hoping to be moved in by july 10th. I have moving companies coming to give estimates on how much it will cost to pack up and move her stuff. I got 1 estimate on friday and 2 more are coming monday. So far it seems like it is going to be quite a bit of money to move but there really is no other option for moving her stuff unless Brad can take off a few days of work and fly here to help. I can not do much of the lifting or packing because of my health so I can not be of much help.
As soon as we have all her stuff out of the house I will schedule a professional cleaning company to do a deep clean and then will have the carpets shampooed and possibly hire somebody to paint some of the walls and somebody to do some light yard work. After that I will see if I can find anybody from one of the homeschool groups who is maybe looking to rent a place. This would be perfect since it is on an acre of land that is also horse property. I am really hoping to find somebody who has similar intersts as mine and has kids around my kids ages. It would just be really awesome to have somebody living next door who would want to hang out and chat and stuff from time to time.
I will have the property managment company handle the lease and all that stuff but I plan to be involved in the interviewing of the people who are interested in renting the house. I have to live next door to whoever rents it and I want to make sure it is a good fit for us. In this day and age it is sad that I can not fully trust people and so we will also have a background check ran on whoever wants to rent the place. I just need to do that for my own peace of mind and for the safety of my kids.
OOps, it is midnight, I planned to have gone to bed quite awhile ago but got carried away again with my ramble.

126.00

2009-06-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

126.00 that is the cost of 3 new pairs of pants for Ray. WOW. I should not complain though because he usually only has 3-4 pairs of pants total and they last him for maybe 9 months or so. He wears the same type of jeans that he has worn since he was 12 years old. Levis preshrunk 501 buttonfly straight leg jeans. In any shade of blue and also black. NO gray or white or any other color.
I would love to find some on ebay or at a thrift store but it just seems like there are never any in the size he needs. I bought him 3 pairs in october and one pair was totally worn out with holes in it and the other 2 pairs are wearing out but he still can wear them if need be. I was hoping to hold off until next month to buy them but I feel bad that he hardly ever asks for anything and he does not even complain that he only has 2 pairs of pants and they are wearing thin so I went ahead and bought him 3 pairs online tonight.
When we first met, finding levis for him was very very hard. The internet was not a household word so we actually had to go to the store to buy them and it was very rare to find his size. When we met he wore a size 32x36....yeppers he was tall and skinny. Now it is still not the easiest thing to find his size but he now wears a size 36x36 and so it is more common to find his size.
I just am realizing that everything has gone up in price and that things are expensive. We have had to be careful with money ever since I could not work but the past few years there had been more breathing room in our finances and we have been able to spend money on things that we did not need to. We got cable tv and netflix and the boys and Ray go out to eat every other thursday. I have been able to buy yards or fabric and other sewing items I have wanted. Of course we still had to be careful but it was nice to be able to buy some extra items. Now with the cost of things going up we are slowly having to cut back down on things. I lowered our netflix account to 2 movies at a time. I cancelled our housecleaning service. We are going back to a more strict food budget etc. It seems that this is a common concern with just about everybody.
I am usually cheap when it comes to spending money so I buy almost all of my clothing and the kids clothing used but since it is so hard to find Rays size of pants I do have to buy his new and it just seems like a huge amount to spend when I get mine and the boys clothing for only a few dollars.

Building shapes

2009-06-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

You can click on the pictures to get a better look at them. Sterling is building different shapes using toothpicks and marshmallows...real high tech lol. He had a blast and also had a snack..since he ate some as he was building. This 2.00 craft kept him busy for an entire day.

Sterling and his books

2009-06-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

These are books that Sterling made. These are only SOME of them. I have an entire bag full of these books that he has made. I will take more pictures and add some more to another post. His most recent books he has put written stories in them and I am really pleased with his writing and the way he is interested in spelling new words. Sterling has never gone to school..he has not spent one day in preschool, daycare or regular school. A few years ago I was less secure in the fact that he would learn as he was ready and that he did not need to sit down and practice writing over and over so I tried to get him to write his letters when he was about 4 almost 5. He hated it. He got frustrated. This was right around the time that I started leaning more towards unschooling instead so I just stopped trying to get him to do any writing or any other type of school type stuff. I was a bit nervous about if it was the right thing but each day I saw him learn more and more just by discovering things on his own and from him being curious about stuff. He amazes me everyday with how much he learns. Well, the writing thing, I just never brought it up again and figured he would write when he was ready. He sure did....he just picked up a pencil one day and started drawing and then started adding words and then started making short stories etc. It is really amazing to me. I can almost see his little brain just processing stuff.

On another topic.....my 20 year old was looking over my blog a bit the other day and mentioned that I do not write much about Curtis my 12 year old. She thought that it was not fair to him that I do not mention him as much and mention everything that he is doing. There is a reason for it though...the reason is because Curtis has asked me not to write about him unless I ask him first. He is at the age where he worries about what I would say about him and if it would embarrass him etc. He does not want me making a big deal out of pictures he has drawn or if he has a new hair cut or any of the other sort of things I would blog about and I will respect his wishes.
So, anything that I do write about him has been approved by him.
Curtis took a cpr and first aid class 2 weeks ago. It was a 6 hour class at the fire station and it was for homeschool kids his age. He had been asking awhile about taking a class like this but we had never really found one that was for a 12 year old until the homeschool group set up this session of classes. He did really well at the class and he enjoyed learning something so important. He learned CPR for babies, child and adults as well as various first aid techniques.
One of his favorite things to do was to go to boys club. It is a group of boys his age from the homeschool group and they met every thursday from 1-4 and he loved it. The group was about 6 or 7 boys and they all had very similar interests. The group is not going to meet over the summer so it will start back up in mid august but Curtis sure misses meeting up with his buddies every week.

Oreo needs her exercise

2009-06-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

Oreo is the funniest cat ever. She does some of the silliest things. Sterling took an awesome video of her walking on the treadmill. She walked forward and then she walked backwards and she did all sorts of funny things. Somehow though Sterling accidentally deleted the video from his camera before I loaded it onto the computer. He was so upset because he wanted to send teh video into Americas funniest home videos or one of those shows. I tried to get her to walk on the treadmill again so I could get a video and this is what I got. It is nowhere near as long or funny as the one Sterling had gotten. He will try later today to get one of her again and hopefully it will be as funny as the first one he took.

Missing my dad

2009-06-25T06:47:00.000-07:00

It has been 3 months since my dad died. In some ways it seems like it was just a few days ago and in other ways it seems like it has been a long time.
Fathers day was last week and it was the first year that I did not have my dad here for me to cook for and buy a gift for. The only thing that made it a bit better was my brother flew in from california and we spent fathers day together. My dad would have been happy to know that my brother and I are getting along and have become close again. It is sad that it took my dad being sick to bring us back together.
I really did not think that I would miss my dad this much. I guess that I was in denial that it would bother me.
My dad lived next door to me and it is just odd to look out and not see his car or to call him everyday to see if he was ok.
I am glad that he is not in pain anymore though. The man that I saw over the past year was not my dad that I knew. It was a very sad weak sick version of my dad. I know my dad would have given anything to have kept living and he did fight until the very end with everything he had in him. He was always stubborn and a tough man who overcame many many obstacles in his life and he was stubborn all the way to the end.

Sterling plays the drums...ummm pots and pans

2009-06-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

Video of Sterling playing the pots and pans. He is really good at it...at least I think so. He has never had any lesson or even seen anybody else play the drums so all of this is just what comes to him. It amazes me how he set these pots and pans up in a certain way and how he knows to hit on different parts of each pan to make a different sound.
He played on and on for hours a day. I know some people would cringe at the thought of a kid banging on pots and pans for hours a day. I welcomed it and actually encouraged it. I think it is great that he enjoys this.
I plan to get him a drum set. I promised him one for his birthday, a few months ago, and he knows as soon as we find a used set on craigslist or somewhere else that we can find for a good deal.
Sterling has liked drumming on stuff since he was little. He would tap on stuff and bang on things. The oddest thing was that about a year ago all of a sudden he just stopped banging and tapping on things. I asked him about it and he just did not want to do it anymore. This lasted about 6 months and then all of a sudden he woke up one morning and starting tapping and drumming on stuff again as if he had never stopped.
He seems to like all sorts of musical instruments and switches around from one to the other. His current favorite besides the drums is a harmonica for now.

Another purse

2009-06-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

I have been in the mood to sew purses...I have one cut out now and will sew it and take pics of it tomorrow. 2 days ago I made this purse from the switch it up pattern from THAT DARN KAT. I liked the looks of it from the pattern but after it was sewn up I did not really care for how flat it was. I generally make the bottom of my purses squared so I cut the bottom of the purse and squared the corners and sewed them up. It gave it a bit of a better look to me. I think the reason it looks off to me is that the proportion of length to width is different then what I usually sew. I do love the shape of the way it curves though and the way I can adjust the handle. This was one of the easiest patterns to sew. It went together different then any purse I have ever sewn but the directions were good and it ended up being really easy and I could probably sew another one in an hour or so.
I love the way the purse crosses along the top and I think that next time I will add some sort of embellishment to that part of the purse, maybe a cute ribbon closure or something similar.
Oh, the purse also is reversible.

3 months...

2009-06-15T21:32:00.001-07:00

3 months...that is how long I wait until my next appt with my psych dr. This may not seem like a big deal but for me it is a pretty big step. For almost 5 years that I have been seeing the psychiatrist I have never made it to the point that I was well enough to go 3 months without seeing him. When I first started seeing him I saw him 1 time a week until I got on a regular dose of a medication. Then I saw him every 2 weeks and then every month. Once the medicine would stop working and I had to change meds or if I had a set back I would go back to seeing him every week and then every 2 weeks etc. So far in all 5 years I have not made it to where I could go for 3 months. The furthest I made it to was seeing him every 8 weeks and that only lasted for 2 or 3 appts and then I had to change meds and start over. So....to see him every 3 months means that the medication is working and that I am doing good. Of course I worry that I will have a set back or that my medicine will stop working like it has in the past. So far though my medicine combo is working well for me and not terrible with side effects. One of the worst side effects I have ( besides weight gain) is strange dreams. I never realized that could be a side effect from these meds but according to my doctor is can be. The best way to describe the dreams I have is that they are anxiety dreams. They are dreams about stuff that I would normally become anxious over. Things that I worry about or that I fear could happen. I wake up and am usually pretty good at being able to just tell myself it was a dream and that it is ok but there are times that it takes me awhile to calm back down.
Fathers day is coming up...it will be my first fathers day without having a father. It is still hard to believe that he is not here....the one thing that makes it seem better is to know that my dad is not in pain anymore and that he is not being held back by a body that does not work.

Made another purse

2009-06-14T21:22:00.000-07:00

Ok..this one did not turn out exactly how I would like it. This style is not my kind of style but I made it for my daughter. I love this fabric and this is the perfect size to just carry a few things. I need a much larger sized bag though. I like to carry lots of junk with me lol.
I found this pattern here http://sewmamasew.com/blog2/?p=794 It is easy and quick to sew up. The one thing I messed up on is the interfacing for the handles. It calls for lightweight but I did not think that it would matter much if I used something stiffer so I used fusible fleece( I like fusible fleece much better then interfacing because it is so much easier to get ironed onto the fabric without making wrinkles and stuff) the fusible fleece made the handles really way to stiff. I would for sure make sure to use a lightweight interfacing next time. I also would put a magnetic style snap on the top and would probably sew up the sides a bit higher.
I still think it turned out cute and not bad for my first time trying this pattern.

fruit salad...

2009-06-05T17:25:00.001-07:00

Sterling and I decided to make some fruit salad ( well, actually just cut up fruit because we did not add anything other then fresh fruit). We put mangos, nectarines, cantelope, red grapes, and strawberries. Turned out very yummy and we have enough of the fruit left to cut up more and make another bag of fruit salad tomorrow.

A few crochet washcloths

2009-06-04T00:04:00.001-07:00

Here are a few crochet washcloths I have made over the past few days. I made some more but they have already been used. I made the pink one for kim and made her a few others. The green one is for Sterling but he informed me he wants the next one green and blue striped. The varigated yellow and white are for my bathroom and I already have a few in my bathroom that I made the other day. I love these to wash my face with. I am going to make some for the kitchen also. I have a big laundry basket full of cotton yarn that I would love to use up and this sounds like the perfect way to do so.

Weds 6/03/09

2009-06-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

Well, it is still the 3rd of june technically but it is about 10 minutes before midnight so nearly the next day already.
I had a better day today then yesterday. I slept better last night and so felt better. Ray had to work and so it was just the boys and me. Heather came over this afternoon and stayed for a few hours. She brought a few books for the boys that they just love. They had the 1st book in the diary of a wimpy kid but she got them book 2 and book 3. She also got them each a drawing book and she got Curtis the 2009 world records of video games and Sterling a really cute explorer guide.
This morning Sterling wanted to study sun dials online so we looked at a few. He really wanted to make one but he wanted to make a big one outside with rocks and stuff so that will have to wait for Ray to be home to do that with him. BUT, we made a small one, more or less a replica. It turned out really cute and Sterling had so much fun just playing around with it. He understands that it is not really the way one would work and he is looking forward to making a real one tomorrow with Ray. I think it is so awesome the way Sterling just wants to learn all different things. I love that we do not have to follow a schools schedule and adhere to what all the other kids are doing and we can just do our own thing.
Curtis played with his Gromitis today( some sort of action figure) and he played some video games online against some friends. BOth of the boys went swimming. After they swam they came in the house and lounged on the bed for awhile reading their new books. I am so happy that they both love books.
Here is some pictures of Sterlings sun dial

It is hard to tell by the pictures but there are small drawings and marks on the sun dial that Sterling made.

June 2, 2009

2009-06-02T16:24:00.000-07:00

I had plans to get some sewing done and some organizing done. I had wanted to try to take the boys to a bowling and movie get together with some others from the homeschool group. What did I end up doing instead??? NOTHING. Yep, NOTHING. I have felt icky all day. My pain level is bad and I have been way tired. I think maybe I just have not rested enough the past few days. Last night I went to bed about 1am. I tossed and turned until I finally got out of bed at 2am. I got up and sat on the couch for a bit with the dogs and watched a bit of tv and then finally felt tired enough to go back to bed. I climbed back in bed about 3am and fell asleep right away...woke up at 7am because Sterling woke up and I could hear him in the kitchen trying to get a bowl of cereal but the milk was new and he could not get the sealed lid off of it. SO, part of why I am so tired is because I did not actually really sleep last night. I did take a nap today from about 10am until 1PM or so...which of course the Kids and Ray think that I got a huge long nap and should be wide awake but I still am tired. I could probably sleep a few more hours. I also have not had an appetite today. I had some coke and am now drinking a cherry limeade that Ray picked up from Sonic.
I have gotten NOTHING done today. I can not believe it is almost 5pm and I have not even gotten dressed or done one thing.
Hopefully I will get a good night sleep tonight so I feel better tomorrow.

A Year of CrockPotting: CrockPot Cowboy Stew Recipe

2009-06-01T18:05:00.000-07:00

A Year of CrockPotting: CrockPot Cowboy Stew Recipe
This is my favorite recipe from the entire year of crockpotting site. We all love it and there is plenty for dinner and then lunch and dinner the next night. I put the potatoes in whole from the can but then when I serve it I cut them up a bit with a fork so we can get a bit in each bite. We do not use the hot peppers because I am not a fan of something so spicy but this still has a fair amount of spice to it from the ro-tel tomatoes. We have varied the type of beans we use, we have used chili beans, pinto beans, kidney beans and use more then what the recipe calls for. I have passed the recipe on to a few people and they all have loved this also.
I love how easy it is, basically just dumping cans. I also love how I can change it up a bit by adding a few things differently.

crockpot chicken and dumplings

2009-06-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to use my crockpot at least 2 times a week. It has been great to have a plan of what to make and then have it all ready to eat by dinner time. 99% of the time there is some sort of leftovers. When we make a roast in the crockpot I love to make soup the following day with the leftovers. Sterling calls the leftover soup fridge soup because we look through the fridge to find what sort of veggies are in there. A week or so ago him and I came up with our best batch of fridge soup ever. We used left over beef roast and we added carrots, onion, a variety of canned tomatos, can of corn, beef boullion, a can of beans and then Sterling's secret ingrediant 2 cans of V-8 juice. We added a few other seasonings. It turned out really good. Basically we just add stuff as we feel like it and it is NEVER the same once.
One of my favorite crock pot recipe sites is a year of crockpotting. The blogger decided to cook something in her crockpot every single day for a full year.
We have tried probably 10 or so of her recipes and have loved them all....all except for the crockpot chicken and dumplings.
Here is the recipe http://crockpot365.blogspot.com/2008/12/crockpot-chicken-and-dumplings-soup.html
I followed the recipe and used canned cream of mushroom soup and canned biscuits ( instead of the alternate recipe for homemade cream soup and homemade biscuits). It smelled so good while cooking. I had high hopes for this. It tasted pretty good as I sampled a bit or two. I added the biscuits the last hour or so of cooking. They did get a bit brown and looked done. When I served it into bowls it looked great. It did not taste good. I think it was the biscuits or something that ruined it. I think they just added to strong of a taste and not only were they on top but the flavor of them soaked into the entire pot of food so we could not just take the biscuits off. This was actually quite a bit soupier then any other chicken and dumplings I have ever had.
I may try again making this again but instead of putting the biscuits on top I may even put the chicken stuff into a pie pan and put a pie crust on it because this reminded me a lot of the filling of a pot pie.
I will post some of the other recipes that we have tried and loved from this site. ( Our favorite is the cowboy stew...we have made it 4 or 5 times)
I know this picture looks icky...it was taken before I added the biscuits

Caramel apples

2009-05-31T11:13:00.001-07:00

Sterling and I decided to use up the last few apples we had and make some caramel apples. The package of caramel we had said it was enough to make 5 apples. I figured that we would just make the three that we had and then we could drop spoon fulls of the rest onto wax paper and let it cook and it would just be caramel candy. LOL...we were lucky to get the 3 apples made, I guess we were heavy handed on the caramel. They turned out really yummy and had so much more caramel on them then any others we have had. We both decided though that they were fun to make but that we would much rather just have the apples cut up and dip them into some of the store bought caramel apple dip. At least we had fun making these and they were not too much of a mess to clean up.

The Aurora Borealis

2009-05-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago Sterling and Curtis went to an invention club from the homeschool group. This 5 week session was about Alaska. They studied the Aurora Borealis one of the weeks and they painted pictures of what they thought it would look like. This is Sterlings version of what he thought it would look like. I think it is really cute and the colors are really pretty. Curtis made one also, I just need to take a photo of his and then I will get it posted.

My dads desk

2009-05-21T21:26:00.000-07:00

I now own my dads desk. When my dad died in March my brother and I cleared out his den. There was lots of garbage, checks that my dad saved from the past 20 years, all sorts of old mail, years and years of magazines. There was also some of his prized possessions. All of his Roy Rogers collectibles. Old and new photos. Lots and lots of journals that he kept over the years. We boxed up all of the good stuff and we threw away the 20 year old mail. We poured over his old journals and read some stuff he had written over the years. There in the corner of the room was his desk. A roll top desk that he had for years. I can still see him sitting at the desk paying his bills or reading his bible. He had this desk for as far back as I can remember. My brother did not want my dads desk. My mom did not want it anymore and I was more then happy to take the desk. I do not need a desk and I was not looking for a desk but it means a lot to me to have something that my dad enjoyed for years and years. The desk is still in really good shape. It needs a knob or two fixed. Also, if you look close at the closer picture you can see scratches and gouges along the edge of the desk. Those are from my dad. He wore a big heavy watch and after years and years of his watch dragging across the edge of the desk it wore into the wood. My brother thinks I should sand it down and stain it so it looks better. I am going to leave it just the way it is because that is part of what makes this desk unique and special. If I want a perfect desk I will go buy one but this one is more perfect because it has meaning.

Summer soon

2009-05-06T17:00:00.001-07:00

Summer is coming soon. It is already hot and we have already had a few near 100 degree days. I am dreading the long hot summer. It would not be so bad if it did not last for so long. It will not even cool off until November. It is really depressing to think about how miserable this heat is. I see other people post about fun 4th of july picnics or going for walks etc but wish that we could enjoy summer activities outdoors. The only time we can have a picnic here is during the winter. The kids can not even play at the park half the year because it is too hot and the play equipment is hot enough to burn the kids.
It is really miserable to drive in the car in the summer. I have air conditioner in the car but just getting in and out of the car sucks. The seat belts are blistering, the steering wheel is hot, it takes a good 5 minutes to cool the car off at least some and then by the time I get to where I am going I get out of the car and am all sweaty and grumpy.
Each year when it starts to get hot I start dreaming about moving some place cooler. I start looking online to see what places are available that have good weather, low crime, good cost of living, job availability for Ray etc. I have found a few places that would be perfect for us. We dream of moving and talk about it and that is about as far as it goes. I really want to explore it further though. Maybe even take a trip to one of the places I am interested in moving to and just see how it goes.
I just think our quality of living sucks because of the heat. The things I would love to do with the kids I can't because I can not stand the heat. Things like bike riding, miniature golfing, fishing, taking hikes and walks and that sort of thing.
Maybe I can find some place perfect for us to move to and have it not end up being too much of a hassle to move....I can dream at least lol.

Happy birthday Ray

2009-04-20T18:53:00.000-07:00

Well, it was a few days ago actually. He had the day off and it was a nice day. He slept in and relaxed most of the day. I went to the store and picked up stuff for dinner and for his dessert. I picked up rib eye steaks. They were on sale. We have not had steak for awhile. I do not like cheap steaks and did not want to spend the 9.99 a pound that was what the rib eye steaks normally run. They were 4.77 a pound for a family pack. I ended up buying 6 steaks so we could freeze some for another time. We make 2 steaks for the family and that is plenty. We also had baked potatoes and fresh asparagus. For desert I made a chocolate lava cake with vanilla bean ice cream and hot fudge sauce. Everything turned out really good and Ray liked it all. I ordered him some cigars and also am going to buy him some concert tickets to the Asia and yes concert when the tickets come on sale.
We have a cold going through the house again, luckily we are almost all over it and it was not a bad cold. Nothing like the one I had last month that lasted over 2 weeks and was the worst cold I have had in 20 years.
For some reason I was feeling super sensitive to everything and everything Ray said seemed wrong and made me want to cry. I guess he was busy with the kids and also he did not feel his best so I felt like he was ignoring me or something and that made me feel like he was not paying any attention to me. I am sure it was partly girly hormones going wacky also...I know it bugs the crap out of Ray when I am in a weepy super sensitive mood and he does not understand why I get that way. If he would just make sure to give me extra attention and be extra nice to be when I feel that way it would help me feel better...but he is a typical man and any hint of me having PMS issues has him running for the next room. Poor guy lol.

RIP dad

2009-04-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

My dad passed away a few weeks ago. It did not really hit me right away that he was gone. I mean I knew he was dead but the entire feeling of him now being around anymore took awhile to sink in. His passing was not a bad event, it was not scary and it was not painful. We were able to bring him home and he was home for 3 days before he died. Those 3 days were a gift that I would have never expected. The 3 days of being by his side, having my brother here and just taking care of my dad really helped heal wounds from the past years. I have always felt my dad loved my brother more. I have been sure of it. I felt bitter about it but I liked to think that it did not really matter. But it did. We were blessed that the 3 days he was home he was aware and talking the entire time all the way up to about an hour before he died. He told me he loved me. He told me that I was his pride and joy. He told me how hard and long my mom and him tried to have me and how he even went off his medications because the meds he was on could effect his sperm count and how the dr told him how dangerous it was but he wanted a child so badly that he went ahead. He was already 35 years old before he had me so he had waited years to be a dad. After I was born my mom and dad were sure that they would probably never be able to have another child because it was so hard for them to get pregnant with me. My mom was surprised when 6 months after she had me she was pregnant again and had my brother. My dad said that yes he was glad to have a son but that I was his pride and joy. He told me how he thought that a father and a son should do stuff together and that a mom and daughter should do stuff together and so that is why he did certain things with my brother and it was not that he purposely tried to exclude me from stuff. He was just raised that boys do certain things and girls do certain things. He told me about how proud he was when I was the first girl to play tee ball on the boys team at the park. He remembered about a special jacket he bought for me when I was 4 and I wanted it so badly but my mom would not let me get it. It was a red fuzzy jacket and I remember it. I was very glad that we had those days to spend together. My dad said there is a letter for me that he wrote when I got married the first time back when I was 16. I am not sure where it is and he could not remember if it was in his desk or one of his safe deposit boxes or what but I will find it.
We gave my dad everything he wanted for 3 days. We gave him all the rootbeer he wanted, fresh orange juice, organic apple cider, he even had 1/2 of a dark beer ( he was not a drinker but he enjoyed a dark beer once in awhile ( like once every few years lol). The first night he was home he asked for pizza so we went to the pizza shop and got him a personal pizza. He only had a few bites but he enjoyed it. The first day/night home he did not want us to give him his morphine because he wanted to make sure he was able to tell us everything he wanted to tell us. He had been planning for weeks what he wanted to tell us if he got to this point. We played his special music for him, we put pictures of all his grandkids etc right by him. We told him all the special memories that we had. He had his dog and his cat nearby.
He was home for 3 days and we were surprised that he made it that long. His kidneys did not function much at all...all 3 days he was home he had no urine output at all. His heart was so weak that it was not perfusing blood to his fingers and toes so they were greyish and cold. His heart rate and blood pressure were low but he just kept on talking and wanting us by him.
At times I thought he was tired and wanted to sleep and I asked him if he wanted us to stop talking and leave him alone and he would say no that he wanted us to keep talking and not stop. He wanted to hear our voices he said.
The 2nd night he was more lethargic but he was still aware of what was going on. The 3rd day we kept thinking that he was unconcious and would not wake up again and then he would surprise us and start talking again. For about 8 hours before he died he just kept saying * it is good to be home* and * I am feeling no pain* he just kept saying it over and over. He dozed off for the final time and was peacefully resting and then he took his last breath. I was on one side of him and my brother was on the other. I was holding my dads hand and was weeping a bit. It hit my brother harder and he was leaning over into the bed grabbing/holding onto my dad and was crying rather hysterically. I did not expect that. I let him cry a few minutes and then I walked around to my brother and pulled him away from my dad and hugged him and told him that we did a good job of taking care of my dad, that my dad was happy to have been home and he was now out of pain and that my dad did not want to keep living the way he had been.
He was ok after a few minutes, he just needed to cry for a bit. We called the funeral home and took care of all the other stuff that had to be done. We took off his wedding ring, we cut a lock of his hair, we let the kids see him one last time if they wanted to.
It still is hard at times to realize that my dad is gone. A few days ago was Easter and I was thinking of what to make and I was thinking of making something that I knew my dad liked and then I had to remind myself that he was not going to be around for anymore holidays or birthdays or anything like that.
We have his ashes and we have planned a few places to spread his ashes, places that he loved when he was alive. We did not have a funeral or anything like that because my dad was very very firm that he did not want us to spend any money on that sort of thing. He always said that money was for the living lol...
I know that death is never a good thing but I am just glad that he was not in pain and that he is not suffering anymore

my dad is dying

2009-03-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

My dad is dying. Wow, that is hard just to write. His kidneys have shut down, he is swelling up, he is in and out of consciousness. His one wish is that he does not want to die in the hospital. HE wants to be home and we are working very very hard for that to happen. He has been placed on hospice care and he seems to be at peace with it. He is pretty comfortable today with the morphine he is getting. He wants to come home and drink apple cider and be with his family. We are hoping to have everything ready so he can be transported home on friday. We need a hospital bed, oxygen, hospice nursing care etc all set up. I hope he makes it until friday so he can at least know that he is home. The dr thinks that once my dad is home that he will not live much longer then a few days. Then again my dad is a tough old bird and may just surprise everybody...but I do not think so. I think this is the way the story of my dads life will end. It is sad yet he has suffered and struggled enough. He is tired. He has great faith and he knows that dying is not the end, just the end of this life. Today when I visited him he does not look like the man he used to be at all. His blood pressure stayed around 80/50 and he just had a bad color and did not look like my dad at all.
He still knows what is going on when he is awake. This morning when Sterling was on the couch near me he asked me to teach him some toungue twisters. We went over some and Sterling really loved doing them. My dad used to LOVE tongue twisters. He would go around saying them over and over and also make up his own and add words to ones already written. When I saw my dad today I told him that Sterling was learning some tongue twisters and my dad got a HUGE smile and just shook his head yes...he knows what is going on around him but his body just is giving out.
He wants to come home and drink all the juice he wants to have and he just wants to make sure he will get morphine at home to help his pain.
I hope he makes it home to enjoy at least a few days

so much to post...yet not enough time

2009-03-10T23:14:00.000-07:00

I do not know why I have neglected blogging. I feel the need to blog, to write down my feelings and thoughts. It is important to me. I have always kept a journal and I feel bummed that I have not kept up. I had a few thoughts that maybe I should start a different blog that started from the present time and did not mention all my mental and physical problems so I started a blog and posted 2 or 3 times but I felt like I was being fake and only writing for other people who may be reading and not writing my true feelings and what I feel I need to say. I keep a blog for myself and I love others to read it but the main point is so I can make sense of my thoughts and also look back and see how things have changed for the better or worse.
I really want to write everyday. Even if I do not have much to write. I often think I do not have much to write and then when I sit down I end up writing a billion pages. I am going to try to commit to posting at least one entry a day even if it is only a few sentences or a picture.

my dad...

2009-01-12T16:40:00.000-08:00

My dad is in a nursing home again. I am wondering if he will ever come home again. I have conflicted feelings about it. He was not a very good dad and I never felt that feeling about my dad that many girls have felt about their dad. When other people talking about how sad they are that their dad passed away etc it has made me jealous that I do not feel the same way about my dad. Yes it will be sad when he dies, just like it would be sad when anybody dies but I will not feel that great loss of my dad. Or maybe I will...I guess it may not hit me until he dies. He is not doing good at all. I went to see him last week for a few minutes and he does not look like the same man. He has lost tons of weight. I think he has lost probably almost 50 pounds. He has been unable to eat for almost 10 days now. He thinks it is from one of his medications. I think it could be possibly from a mass or something because he says that he can not eat because after one bite he feels stuffed and bloated. My dad has always had an appetite so something major is wrong. He is waiting to get his bone marrow biopsy/results but no more has been said about it. He has not even been able to eat his snickers bars that we brought him. He has been able to drink some stuff but not much. Yesterday they switched his diet to soft foods and he was finally able to eat some mashed potatoes. He was going to try some scrambled eggs and cream of wheat this morning but I am not sure if he ended up eating it or not.
It seems so unfair that this is what ends up to everybody who lives to be old. Where is the fairness in having to live out your last years in such a manner. Unable to eat, walk, use the bathroom etc. Almost seems like a punishment for living too long.
My dad hopes that he can get strong enough to come home but I think his expectations are set way too high. He does not want to come home until he can walk on how own. He is in a wheelchair now and it seems like he gets weaker everyday. I think he is in denial about his condition and that he thinks that he will get better and be back to his old self. I do not know which is better...to be in denial about his condition or to fully understand his condition. I guess for now denial is fine, it is not hurting anything and if that is what he needs to believe so he can get through each day then that is what he will do and I will not tell him differently. I just go along with what he says when he says he is going to be better next week, or the next week, or the next etc..
On a cuter note..Sterling says that when I am old and sick he will keep me home and take care of me. He said that a nursing home did not seem that nice and that if I was in one he would have to stay there all the time with me and he would not want to do that so he would just have to keep me home lol..I thought that was very sweet of him.

Doll clothes

2009-01-09T15:12:00.000-08:00

I know it has been awhile and I need to write an update and to make sure to write on a more regular basis. The holidays were not as bad as I had thought they would be and it was not very stressful either. My dad is back in a nursing home and he is not doing good at all...I really do not think he is going to ever come back home. I will write an update post later and I really plan to write daily because it helps me to keep a journal of each day.
My nieces came to visit a few weeks ago. They each had American girl dolls and they were wanting some clothing for the dolls. I made some crochet hats, scarves and ponchos for the dolls but forgot to take pics. I also made a quilt and pillow for Briannas doll but did not get a chance to make one for Aly yet. I also made a night gown and a 2 piece outfit. They are both peasant style so they were pretty fast and easy to sew up. I have some more cut out and have some other items like hair ties etc that I want to get sewn. Here is 2 of the items. The dress/nightgown did not turn out as well as I had hoped but it still is nice.

Late but great

2008-11-30T09:59:00.000-08:00

I had not seen my cousin Nicole for awhile. We were both busy with various things and she has been working night shift the past few weeks. We have not gotten together since a bit before my bday in october so she had my gift until she saw me thursday for Thanksgiving. She brought it to me then and everything is awesome. She knows just what I wanted. I got a LUSH brand bubble bar, bath fizz, and massage bar and also a book light that I had been wanting for a long time. She also put in my favorite candy...3 boxes of buttermints and one tin of rose candy. It was a great gift and I am planning to use part of the bubble bar in a bit.

Sewed a messenger bag

2008-11-25T19:18:00.000-08:00

I sewed this but it did not turn out the way I hoped. It is too small and to stiff. I used fusible fleece for interfacing and used it on both the outer part and the interior lining. I think just one layer would have been fine. I love the way the pockets look on the outside and I will for sure make this pattern again with a few adjustments to make it more the size I want it to be.
I love this fabric and it is my favorite color combos....chocolate brown and pink. It actually is cheap fabric from walmart. 2.44 a yard. Kim picked me up about 15 yards of this print and its various coordinating fabrics. She owed me some money for a few slings I sewed for her friends recently so I had her pick up the fabric instead.

I am behind

2008-11-14T22:07:00.000-08:00

Wow, it seems like I keep meaning to update my blog and add new posts and then I get busy and side tracked and do not get to it. Each day that goes by I have more planned to add to my blog and then within a few weeks time I have so much to add that I do not know where to start and I will never catch up.
My end of year resolution is to write at least something in my blog everyday.
A brief catch up....
I have been doing really well with my anxiety and depression the past month or so. I did have a few days last week that I felt a bit on edge and anxious with that globus feeling in my throat but that has gone away. Over the past 2 weeks I went out once with my husband and kids to a chinese buffet for lunch. I am not a huge fan of the buffet but that is what the kids wanted to eat. It was really very good. I did fine with my anxiety though at the end I did start feeling hot and like the room was too crowded even though there was not that many people in there. After that I had to go to the DMV to get my new picture of my drivers license. I guess every 12 years you have to get a new photo. I must have gone at a good time because I was in and out in about 15 minutes max. Of course I hate my new photo and am disgusted with how much my weight is and that I had to update that on my drivers license as well. Last Sunday I met Heather and her daughter Morgan at goodwill. Ray was shocked because I called heather and her husband said she had left for goodwill so I told Ray I am going to meet her at goodwill, he was surprised that I made up my mind to go and actually was getting out of the house. I spent probably over an hour there. I got quite a bit of stuff for 60 dollars. Ray needed some new short sleeve button down shirts so I got him 8 of those, 2 shirts for curtis, a bathrobe for me, a huge box of knex set that builds a roller coaster ( 6.99 for this). 2 cami tops, 1 bra and a cute shirt for me there are probably a few other things I bought but can not remember. I just know that I would have spent that much on just 2 or 3 of the shirts if I bought them new.
I also took curtis to boys group from the homeschool group. He has wanted to go for quite awhile but I was unsure about it and from what we had heard we thought it was a large group of boys. Turns out is usually about 5-6 boys and they are all right around curtis's age. He has been wanting to spend time with boys his age for quite awhile. Ray had to work the day of boys group so I got directions and off we went. Took about 20 minutes to get to the house that it was held at this week. Walked Curtis to the door, introduced him, he said he was ok and Sterling and I went back home. 3 hours later we went back to pick him up. He had the BEST time ever he said. All the boys like the same stuff that curtis likes. They played with nerf guns, legos, bionicles, nintendo wii and some other stuff. Curtis will be going to this group every week and he is already looking forward to next week.

wait for weight

2008-09-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I have been thinking about the various reasons why I do not get out much or have people over or do any of the things I used to enjoy. Part of it is pain, part anxiety, part laziness and another part of it is my weight. I have battled my weight all my life but am currently at my highest weight ever. I was staying around 150-160 pounds for many years. That is too heavy for me but I felt good and could fit in cute clothing still and I did not constantly feel self conscious about my weight. Sure I wanted to lose weight and I was not in love with my size but I was ok with it. After all this mess with my mental illnesses started 4 years ago and I started on handfuls of medications I have put on lots of weight. I do not mean 10 or 15 pounds, I mean a lot. I do not want to admit fully how big I am but I will say I have put on roughly 50 pounds or so. I am short, 5 foot 2. I have small bones. I do not carry the extra weight well at all. I have tried diets and still have not lost weight. I thought since I started my thyroid meds that maybe that would help but so far it has not. I have some family and friends that I have not seen for 4 or 5 years and I do not want to see them because I just know their first thoughts will be **OMG she has gotten huge*. I see myself in a mirror and my heart just sinks at how big I am. I have to take the boys to PE in an hour or so and am already trying to find something to wear that does not look like I am wearing a tent. I just know people will look at me and think about my weight. It used to be that even when I was chubby that my face still looked fairly thin, but now even my face is fat. I do not look like what I want to look like.
BUT....I am wondering why am I missing out on stuff just because other people may judge my weight? I keep putting off stuff thinking that oh when I lose the weight then I will go out and do stuff. Well, it is obvious that I could be putting things off forever if I wait to be thin. When I was a teenager I put off stuff until I was thin. When I was 13 I went on a crash diet because I wanted to change from private school to public school but did not want to go to public school and be fat. So, I stayed at private school until I was thin. I did not go to the pool or the beach or talk about boys that I liked until I was thin. I just am tired of letting my weight dictate what I do or do not do...I wish it was not an issue. I wish I was thin or at least thinner. I know that not only is this extra weight mentally hindering me, it is physically hindering me as well. I know I would feel so much better if I lost weight and I AM trying. It is just not an easy thing to do at all. If it was not so hot here that would help a lot as well. I used to love to bike ride or play catch etc but geez at 100+ degrees here it is way to hot.
I am tired of wearing the same clothing over and over because I just do not find it fun to buy cute stuff in my size. Last week I did buy 2 pair of sexy panties to wear for Ray but as of yet have not put them on...I do not have any jeans. All my pants are stretch ones, like leggings etc. I am embarrassed to find out what size I would need in actual jeans. Probably a size 20 or maybe even bigger...but I am making a promise to myself that I am going to buy myself a cute pair of jeans no matter what size I need. I am also going to buy a few other cute items for myself and then go through my closet and throw away all the dingy stretched out clothing that I do have.
I am going to make an appt to get a hair cut and maybe even get my nails done.
I am going to try to treat myself better. I am going to exercise more and keep on doing weight watchers. The weight will come off, it is just going to take awhile and I am tired of putting my life on hold until I am thin.

I cry....why???

2008-09-26T20:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had my Psychiatrist appt. Nothing new about this, it has been normal for the past 4 years for me to go as often as every 2 weeks. I left the house and was driving along and the country song *remember when* came on. For some reason I just started crying. I was thinking about what I have missed out on over the past 4 years or so. How we had certain things we wanted to do in life and I feel like I ruined it for my husband and that my kids miss out on stuff because of me. There are so many things I had hoped to do with Sterling over the past few years and I missed out on them. I had so much fun the first 18months or so after having Sterling. He was the first child I had that I did not have to go back to work. I joined the MOMS club, I took him to the park, we went to library storytime, toddler bowling, arts and crafts day at the craft store, the zoo, etc. We just did all the things that I felt like I missed out on with my older kids because I had to work so much. I had an awesome birthday party for his 1st bday, made the cake, decorated the house, bought him a special outfit, made custom invitations and thank you cards etc. That is how I hoped it would continue. It all stopped August 2004 when all of this mess started. He is 6 years old now and all of those things that I had wanted to do with him never happened. I hope that now that I am doing better now that I can start doing new things with him to make up for the past few years. But, for some reason when that song came on it made me cry...but, it also made me realize that I need to make more of an effort to do stuff. I need to make sure to take enough pain meds to keep me out of extreme pain so I will feel like doing more stuff. I am allowed to take quite a bit of pain meds but I always worry that the more I take, the more I will need so I try to keep it under a certain amount. But, now I realize that is silly. I need to take what I need now and can worry about needing more later on when it happens.
The psychiatrist said I need to try to get out 2-3 times a week even if it is just for a walk down the street. That would be nice if it was not still almost 100 degrees outside.
On the way home from my appt I decided to get a haircut. I have not had my haircut in years...I finally went to get it done and of course they had over an hour wait so I left. I did go to CATO and bought a few things. A cute shirt on clearance for 1.99 and then 2 sexy pairs of lace panties that I know Ray will love...Then I went to the grocery store and picked up a few things. Nothing special but it was good for me to be out for awhile.
I still am looking into trying to find a place for us to move to, to get out of this awful heat and crowd and find some place nicer to live. I just know it would be so much better to live somewhere else.
So, nothing new from the psychiatrist, just keep on the same meds. I am really happy with how these meds are working. I think my anxiety is better now then it has been in 4 years. If I was not in so much pain I would get out more. I do want to go out but I just ache and hurt so much that it makes it hard for me to actually go out and enjoy it. I am hoping that between the new dr I will be seeing and the PHYSIATRIST that I am going to see in a few weeks that maybe something will help. I was not sure what a physiatrist was but I guess it is a dr who specializes in various types of pain...so we shall see how that goes.
I have been working on some sewing and crochet. I want to make a batch or two of some soy wax tarts tomorrow. I have some vanilla pumpkin fragrance oil that would work well. Also Sterling wants to make some bath fizzy powder tomorrow. I have some bubble gum scented fragrance oil that would work well for that. I want to make a list of gifts that I want to make for Christmas this year. I think I should start on doing a few of them every week or so if I actually want to get them all done this year lol...I totally hope to just have fun during the holidays this year and not worry about the gifts. My kids do not need anything and they actually do not want much either. THey get gifts through out the year so really the holidays are not the only time they get stuff so that is not as big a part of Christmas for them as it may be for others. I do want to make us all matching pjs and make sure we do our gingerbread house this year, our cookie baking, fudge and all the other goodies, especially my brown sugar iced pumpkin cookies that everybody loves. I will make plenty so Ray can take some to work, I know quite a few people at his work ask about the pumpkin cookies every year.
Oh and I definitely want to make salt water taffy this year as well as lollipops.
I know my medication is working because just thinking of these things are exciting to me and when my anxiety and depression are bad nothing sounds exciting or fun to me.

long time, no posts..

2008-09-24T18:31:00.000-07:00

I was almost certain I had written a message or two over the past few weeks, but either I did not or I did and they are lost in cyberspace.
I am still on 100mcg of levothyroxine. I have to get labwork done and see the dr next week and will find out then if it needs adjusting more or not. I also am waiting for an appt to the rheumatologist. There are only 3 or 4 of them in town. I saw one of them and umm....not a good one and I do not plan to go back to him. The one that I want to go to requires a doctors referral even though my insurance does not require one. I guess she just wants to make sure there is a valid reason to see her and not just because..My dr told me a few weeks ago that I needed to go see one but I guess I will get a referral from him next week.
My last set of lab results came back pretty certain of lupus and my doctor said that he would consider that a diagnosis of lupus combined with symptoms I have that are pretty unique to lupus. I have the butterfly rash on my face which gets worse in the sun. I also have all the various lab results that go along with it, my sed rate, c-reactive protein etc. I also have some odd rash that comes and goes, he mentioned that there is a form of lupus that causes skin rashes. He also gave me a huge packet of info from the Arizona Lupus society. I have not read it much, just glanced through it. I guess I really want to see the rheumatologist to get another opinion.
I guess since I have thought on and off for the past few years that I could possibly have lupus that this does not really shock me nor does it worry me all that much.
I have had some really rough days as far as pain goes...I wish that there was more that could be done for it then the constant pain pills.
Not much else has really been going on.
I see the psych dr tomorrow, no changes will be made to my meds this month. I think so far the zoloft is working better then any of the other pills I have tried.
Oh, on another fun note....I guess oxycontin no longer makes a generic...so, instead of me paying 10 dollars a month for the generic, I have to pay 100 a month for the name brand. Which I still consider myself lucky because without insurance it runs over 500 dollars a month.
I have been going next door to my parents house every afternoon to take care of my dads wound on his leg. It is getting better but is still really deep and big and needs a dressing change each day. Of course my mom could do it...she is there and not doing anything but she would rather act helpless and have me come over there and do it. I do not mind doing it but it is just the fact that she really has no concern for how I feel just as long as I do my dads stuff that is all she worries about.
My mom is still talking about moving to california with my brother. My dad is going to my brothers in october and I guess he will decide then if he will move out there with my mom or what...
It is hot hot hot here still and I still hate it. I have been tossing around ideas of moving. Ray is all for it. There is not much holding us here other then Rays job but I know he can get another one very easily. He has so much experience and is trained in pediatrics and neonatal ICU as well as PFT, bronchs and much more so I am sure he could find a job. It is just a bit scary to up and move...but I am seriously considering it.

My thyroid is asleep..

2008-08-01T16:46:00.000-07:00

Well...maybe not asleep but at least sluggish. I finally went and got my lab work done ( after waiting a year with the lab slips in my drawer) and I got the results when I went to the dr appt last week. Everything that I was scared of coming back wrong was all just fine. Liver, kidney, heart tests were all fine. My thyroid test came back showing that I have hypothyroidism. I have a family history of it and I have noticed more and more symptoms of it. I have had more dry patches on my skin, my hair has been dry, I have been so tired and worn out etc. So, I was prescribed 100mcg of levothyroxin. I started it 5 days ago. It takes a bit of planning to take it because it has to be taken in the morning, on an empty stomach, with a full glass of water. I can not eat anything for at least 30 minutes after taking it and I cant take any antacids, calcium or iron supplements for 4 hours. The first day I took it I felt a warm feeling starting about 30 minutes after taking it. It was not unpleasant but just a bit odd. I did also feel a bit dizzy and felt like my heart was beating fast but I think that was just my anxiety that was high due to my fear of taking a new pill. I did not notice much the 2nd or 3rd day. The 4th day ( yesterday) I felt tired in the morning ( like usual) but after lunch time I felt really good. I even asked Ray if he and the boys wanted to go out with me. I had to go get another lab test done and then had to go to the bank and then I decided to stop at goodwill. YEP..I went to goodwill and I did fine. It was really hot inside the store so that was a bit of a downer but other then that I did fine. If the kids had not been with us I would have probably looked around more because they were putting out all kinds of stuff and there was lots of stuff to look through. I spent about 20 dollars. I got 2 different fabrics, both knit fabics very cute prints from Antex brand. There was about 6 yards total and I paid 3 dollars for all of it. I got 2 books from Luanne Rice, a cami top with built in bra to wear with my lounge pants, the boys picked out a few stuffed animals and I got a really cute stuffed catterpillar toy to give to the dogs to play with.
I have to go back to the dr next week. Some of my test results came back with results that could mean I have lupus. My sed rate and C reactive protien were high. My lyme disease test came back with a false positive ( I do not have lyme disease but it is common for people with lupus to have lyme disease test come back screwy) I have had symptoms of lupus on and off for a few years but most of the symptoms for lupus are also symptoms of fibromyalgia so it is hard to tell exactly what is going on. I will find out the results to my second ANA blood test as well as a few other blood tests when I go to the dr next week.

crappy smoothie

2008-07-20T18:12:00.000-07:00

I took a nap for a few hours and woke up feeling a bit less anxious. Still not good but better. I found a television marathon on today of a who I had never heard of before. It is called strip search and it is back from 2005. Basically the guy who formed the mens stripping group called the thunder down under had decided to make up a group similar to them but that included men from the U.S. He went around the country and came up with 15 guys and then the entire 6 or 7 hour marathon of episodes was him getting the group down to 7 members. It was mindless tv but wow were the guys sexy. I have not watched all of it yet but have the last few episodes on dvr to watch later after big brother is over.
So, on to the crappy smoothie. I have not eaten since friday. After I came home from Joanns I started feeling sick to my stomach so did not eat anything that night. Yesterday morning I was still feeling sick but had a few crackers and 1/2 a sprite. Later on in the evening I had 2 push pops and some coke. Today I had some toast earlier and that is about it. When my anxiety is bad I can not eat. I get sick to my stomach and also panic that I will choke. So, Ray decided to get the boys pizza from costco. The pizza did not sound good to me but I got excited over him picking me up a berry parfait from there. Layers of vanilla frozen yogurt with mixed berries in between. He ordered the pizzas on the phone and was told it was a 45 minute wait. The entire time all I could think about was my yummy berry parfait coming. He left about 30 minutes later and 25 minutes more and he was home. WITH OUT MY FREAKING BERRY PARFAIT.....he made a mistake and got my some iced berry smoothie that tastes like crap and is so sweet it gave me the heaves. Can he go back and get me what I wanted???? NOOOO because costco closed 5 minutes after he got home. He told me he knew it was the wrong thing after they handed it to him. WHY OH WHY did he not then order the right thing? I know he probably did not realize how much I wanted this freaking parfait. My stomach is hungry but nothing sounds good except for that. I know it sounds pathetic but I was almost in tears. He has offered now to go to dairy queen to get me something else but it is not the same. I do not want to sound ungrateful because really I am not and normally would not have even said anything. I would just have thanked him for it and quietly tossed it out when he was not looking. I know he did the best he could and I am glad that he tries to take such good care of me. I know in the scheme of things this really is a very little petty thing but darn it I wanted a berry parfait.
He is leaving now to go to Dairy Queen. I can tell he is irritated with me over this. I do not even know what they have at dairy queen so I told him just to get me something with vanilla soft serve ice cream and with strawberries on it. NO NUTS or anything else. I am crossing my fingers that it will be something yummy.

damn damn

2008-07-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

Having a freaking rough time today. It started yesterday and I just kind of tried to ignore it.
There is no ignoring it today, I am feeling anxious and on the verge of a panic attack. I am so irritated and frustrated. I start feeling better and start thinking about things I want to plan for the future and I start looking forward to stuff I can do with my kids and then BAM....freaking set back.
I have gone for awhile with needing no xanax and now today I am back needing it. I feel let down and scared. Of course Ray has to work tomorrow and Kim will not be home so it will just be the boys and me. That worries me. I have done so well dealing with them and not being anxious to be home with them alone for at least the past 6 months and now this starts. I wish Ray had tomorrow off, that would make my mind more at ease. He has to work the next 2 days so I just need to get through 2 days...Of course it would be awesome and wonderful if I had any sort of family that could help me out. I am hoping this is just a minor set back and that by this evening I will be better.
I just took some xanax and am going to go lay down and maybe this will pass soon.

I think I can, I think I can...(Can I?)

2008-07-18T15:18:00.000-07:00

ok, I am going to get out of the house for a bit ( gasp!!)
I have not been out anywhere besides the dr for quite a long time. I have wanted to go to Joanns fabric store for a few years at least. I have only been one time and that was 4 1/2 years ago.
I see people on the sewing forums I go to post such cute stuff they have bought at Joanns. I know I can buy it online and have somebody pick it up for me and mail it to me. That is how I have been buying all my sewing notions, fabric, patterns etc for the past few years. I have been in so much pain this past week so I have not done much sewing or crocheting or much of anything actually. I think the humidity of the monsoon season is just making my pain worse. I usually keep myself from getting bored by sewing and crafting but this past week I have spent reading and watching tv. Today I was laying on the couch and started thinking that my pain was feeling better today and that I wish that I could get out. I decided that there was no reason why I should not get out and I am going to force myself to get out of the house. Ray is home so he is going to drive. If we only get a few miles from the house before I panic then we will just turn around and come home. I am just going to keep telling myself ***I think I can, I think I can*** lol..until I get there. Once I am there it will be ok as long as it is not too crowded. If it is crowded then I will just have Ray run in and buy the natural cream colored flannel that I am in desperate need of to finish sewing some elf dolls from the pipsqueek pattern.
I am telling myself that I do not have to stay long, we can come back home as soon as I want to. I do not have to go anywhere again for awhile. I think that is part of what panics me...I start thinking that if I go out once or twice then my husband and kids etc will think I am cured and then a few days later when I am having a rough time again then they will all be disappointed. So far each time I have forced myself to go out I end up coming home and sort of freak out about what could have happened and then I look back over everything I said and did while I was out and worry that I did or said the wrong thing. Then after a bit I decide that it just was not worth all the stress and trouble and panic that it took to go out.
So, for now I am not worrying about what tomorrow or the next day will bring. I am just focusing on going and buying some wonderfully cute fabric....I figure I better stock up now in case it is another 4 1/2 years before I get to Joanns again...
wish me luck

A few sewing projects

2008-07-16T17:14:00.001-07:00

Here is a cute dress I made using a pattern called *miss molly* it is a cute curved bodice dress with ties at the shoulders. This is the first one I made and had a bit of trouble gathering the fabric. Gathering has got to be the hardest thing for me ever. I know it really is not a hard thing to do but I just never get the gathering evenly. I had not hemmed this yet as I was hoping to figure out somebody to give it to and then hem it to the correct length. It was a fun pattern to sew and I have a few more cut out and ready to sew up. I used Michael Miller fabric for this dress. The pictures did not turn out very good. I think I will take new ones and then get them posted. The dress is much cuter then the pics show

Here are a few of my recent sewing projects.
This is a cute little knit fabric baby shirt and hat. I used the new conceptions baby essential pattern for it and it was a very easy pattern to use. The pattern also includes a pattern for pants, booties and shorts. This will be something I plan to make for any baby gift I need to give.

quick update

2008-07-04T21:20:00.000-07:00

I know I have not posted anything recently. There has been quite a few things going on and I just have not had the energy to make a post.
I will write more details in the next few posts.
The short short story is..my dad ended up in the hospital with heart problems. He ended up having a procedure called cardiac ablation. That went fine but he is just dealing with so many problems and is so weak that they sent him to a nursing home. He has been there for about 3 weeks and has had some major setbacks.
I was sick for a few days and started having some signs of a bladder infection..I finally went to urgent care when I noticed blood in my urine. Yep, bad bladder infection.
I went the other day for lab work...12 vials of blood..eek.
I have gotten a good amount of sewing done and have taken photos and will get those on my blog in the next or so.
Kim decided she wanted to get a boob job done. I did not think she would actually go through with it but she did. She had it done a few days ago and is recovering now. She is really sore. It is not what I wanted her to do and if it was up to me she would not have gotten it done BUT she is 20 years old and it is her decision and I will be there to support her no matter what she chooses to do ( well as long as it is legal lol)
Ok, that is the short of it lol...
I am going to challenge myself to a few things this month and will post about that in a bit.

So frustrated

2008-06-09T14:02:00.000-07:00

GRRRR
Ok...this makes no sense to me. Be aware that I am still irritable and cranky from the increased wellbutrin and I think I am maybe a grouchy person to begin with lol.
We had the same car insurance company for 20 years. Well, my husband had them for years before we got married and then when we got married he added me to his and we even used them as our homeowners insurance when we bought our first home. The rates kept rising though and even though Ray or I have ever had a ticket or an accident it just kept going up. We decided to shop around for insurance. We found a few that were pretty close in rates and then another one that was a bit more then the other estimates but the insurance agent was very friendly and helpful so we decided to go with that one.
We have had this new insurance for over 2 years now. Ray nor I have had any tickets, any accidents, any claims, no new vehicles or anything. I drive very very little...like maybe 300 miles in a year..We got a letter in the mail a month or 2 ago that said they were going to start doing credit checks and adjusting rates based on that. Well, we assumed ( yes I know what they say about the word assume) that it meant they would look over our payment history etc. I mean why else would they need to do a credit check?
After over 2 years of paying our payment on time every single month, never bouncing a check, never a day late, never a claim, they thank us and reward us by charging us an extra 500 dollars a year because our credit record was bad...Yes it may have been bad, we had some trouble a few years ago when I was not able to work anymore and before I started getting my disability check. BUT, it never affected us making payments to the insurance company. Our credit now is in the same state it was over 2 years ago when they first started covering us. NOTHING has changed to make us a higher risk except for the fact that they ran a credit check. How does the fact that we were late on a SEARS credit card affect our ability to drive?
I see no correlation between our credit and our insurance rates. And even if they did want to raise the amount because of bad credit, 500 dollars a year seems very excessive. I mean we could get in a wreck, cost the insurance 1,000's of dollars and our rates would not have gone up 500 dollars a year.
I do not think this is fair. We are being punished when we have not done anything that would warrant the need to charge us more.
I am sooo irritated and upset. 500 dollars a year may not sound like much but for us it seems to be quite a bit. We budget, we buy food on sale, we do not use much gasoline, I leave the cooler set on 80-82 degrees even though I would LOVE to run it at 75 and then BAM out of the blue for no reason we are charged an extra 500 dollars a year.
I called the local insurance agent, of course he is NOT in. I talked to the poor assistant for over 20 minutes trying to understand how they could justify doing this. I guess they do not need to.They just do it and we either have to pay it or not have insurance. She did give me another number to call but right now I am too upset to deal with somebody else and I am sure it will not get me anywhere.
I know life is not fair ever but this just seems wrong. To me it would be like trying to apply for a credit card at SEARS and having them check my driving history. How does one relate to another??? Maybe the insurance company should run a check on my library card as well and charge me more since I was late returning a book...that would make almost as much sense to me.

dogs and cats and kids oh my!!

2008-06-06T10:59:00.000-07:00

Ok...my post yesterday saying that the wellbutrin increase made me a bit more irritable..well I lied lol..I am very irritable a bit agitated and feel like my OCD is taking over my brain. I am trying to just sit and relax but each time I sit down I see something that has to be done RIGHT now. My house is a sty and I just can not get it clean. The more I clean the faster the kids, cats and dogs destroy it. I think they all are at their worst today because they can sense that it is pushing me over the edge. I think they scheme and plan on ways to just drive me even nuttier then I already am. The house is dusty, the bathrooms are awful, the kitchen is a wreck. The walls need wiped down, the bathrooms need scrubbed and the toilets need to be cleaned with a pumice stone and some CLR. The laundry room is filthy. I have clutter everywhere. I have piles of stuff I need to get rid of. Then I see stuff that I need to hire a handyman to do. The bathroom floor in the guest bathroom is awful and needs new tile put down, and there are other small repairs that need to be done as well. I need to hire a cleaning person. I had one for a bit but it did not work out the way I wanted it to so I had planned to have somebody else do it but never got around to hiring somebody else.
I am trying to make a list of what needs done but I keep adding to it and by the time I am done making the list I will be too worn out to do anything.
I still need to get to the lab to get all my blood work done but I am afraid of waiting for the results. I need to get my neck xray done so I can schedule for a MRI or whatever other test the dr wants to do because as time goes on I am having more and more numbness in my fingers. I think it is a pinched nerve. Of course it could be something much worse but I am refusing to google my symptoms otherwise I will diagnose myself with a billion different awful diseases.
There is not one area of my house that is nice and clean. I try to keep the room that I spend most of the time in clean but recently the kids have taken over part of the room and have brought clutter with them. My coffee table is at least semi clean..the remote controls are all lined up and facing the right way lol and all the pillows on the couch are facing the right way so I guess that is a start.
7 more hours till my husband comes home...poor guy will be coming home to a manic list of chores that need to be done lol. He has the weekend off and by monday he will be begging to go back to work..
If the boys would not make any messes for about a week I could probably get caught up on the housework..what are the chances of that? I think Sterling averages about 52 seconds between each disaster he makes and he is probably thinking right now of what else he can do to make a mess....

On the medicine adjustment train again...

2008-06-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

Yep, once again the time has come to adjust meds. Luckily it does not include the need to wean off one ssri and start up another. Actually now that I think about it, it has been almost a year that I have been on zoloft. Of course it took me quite awhile though to get from 50mg of my starting dose to my 200mg dose now. Before zoloft I had been on lexapro for a year and weaning from that to the zoloft was not as awful as I had thought it would be but was also not what I would call fun.
I am a bit nervous about the zoloft one day just deciding to stop working like my other meds have. Hopefully this will work longer then the list of other ones I have tried.
About 6 days ago my dose of wellbutrin was raised. Not just a bit but by a fair amount. From 150mg to 300mg. Of course that makes me anxious thinking about because the last time I raised the wellbutrin above 300mg it seemed my panic attacks kicked in again. So far I have been ok on the higher dose. I bit more anxious, a bit more irritable and a bit sick to my stomach but nothing too terrible. I am noticing a bit more motivation and a bit more energy. I hope it continues because I am tired of being anxious AND depressed.
I started thinking about all the meds I have tried in the past 3 years or so...paxil cr ( 3 different doses) cymbalta, prozac, buspar, lexapro(20mg and then at an above recommended dose of 30mg) lyrica ( not just for anxiety but it is been said to help) then of course various doses of xanax. Then of course there are meds I have taken for my pain that have changed from one med to the other, one dose and then another. Right now I seem to be on the best combo of meds all the way around. I am not pleased with side effects but the alternative is even worse. Of course I am still hoping for a magic pill to come along to fix everything and have no side effects...but since that is not likely to happen I will just keep doing what I am doing now and keep trying to find the meds that work the best for me.

Beans

2008-06-02T17:31:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post some pictures about my little prince of a dog...Mr Beans...aka the drama queen lol...He is 11 months old. He will be 1 year old on the 21st of June. He is a chihuahua. I never ever thought I would love a chihuahua. I have only ever been around ones that were mean and nervous and so I just thought that is how they all are. Kim moved out for awhile and while she was living elsewhere she decided to get a dog. 300 dollars later she had beans. I kept telling her it was a big mistake, that he would not be a good pet etc. Well, she brought him by and yep, he was cute but NOPE I did not care for him. A few weeks later she decided to move back in and brought her dog with her. I was not happy at all to have another dog here. I was completely happy with my poodle Sassy. Well...after about 3 days beans worked his way into my heart. Kim was never home and beans spent 24 hours a day with me. He napped on me, slept in bed with me etc. He was just so tiny. He was about 3 months old when Kim moved back in with him. Kim slowly stopped paying any attention to him and I fell totally in love with him.
He is the sweetest little guy. He knows how to make me laugh. He is funny and smart and oooooh so cute. He is quite the drama queen though. If I go to clean his ears or cut his nails or anything he cries like he is being beaten....
He loves to play with sassy and for only being 8 pounds or so he sure shows her who is boss. He is very very loyal to me and a few months ago Kim told me I could just have him because Beans does not like her anymore. He is neutered now but before he was neutered he marked me as his territory. I was standing in the kitchen ant the counter and I felt something on my leg and I looked down and he was peeing on me. He turned and looked at my husband and gave him a smg look like YEP....SHE IS MINE lol.
Beans is very protective of me and makes it known that he thinks he owns me. He is not fond of my husband at all...I guess the feeling is mutual...my husband is not very fond of beans. I actually think my husband is jealous of beans. Beans is very very spoiled. I make him the best foods, he has so many toys that he has a full toy box of them. He has pillows and beds and blankets. His favorite pillow is a pink princess fluffy pillow lol...yes he is a queen.
Beans is definitely NOT a family dog. He is a one person kind of guy. And I am his person. He is not fond of kids most of the time but does love to snuggle up to Sterling at times.
Beans is learning how to *give 5*, he can *dance* for his treats, he will play ball and bring it back to me. He loves to burrow under my blankets like a little rat and sleep under them. When I nap on the couch he has his own little nest next to me that he snuggles in and he puts his paws on my hands..soooo cute.
He will eat anything and he LOVES to eat. Oranges, watermelon, well, actually any fruit or veggie he will eat. Chicken, steak, ground beef....he will eat it. I also laugh at his favorite toy, out of all the fun toys he has, his favorite toy is a plastic egg from easter. He bats it around and will play with it for a long time. When Easter was over I made sure to buy an extra pack of plastic eggs for him just in case these got lost or broken and we could not find anymore at the store when it was not Easter.
He makes me happy, I make him happy....we are just plain good for each other. I guess it goes to show that sometimes the best things that come along did not start out that way. I never thought I would have fallen in love with this little guy but now I can not imagine life without him. He has brought me much happiness.

photos

2008-05-26T16:58:00.000-07:00

OOOps. those pics on the past post are really messed up..
I figured out how to fix them and will go back and edit those photos later this evening.
Sorry

A bit more sewing

2008-05-26T16:23:00.000-07:00

I am trying to get good at my serger. I guess I am just way to attached to using my sewing machine. I am comfortable with the sewing machine but the serger is sooo much faster and no need to go back and clip seams and finish edges etc. I have such a hard time going around edges though, I serge off the edge or cut a hole into the seam..oops.
Here is a dress I made based on the Olivia dress pattern from Farbenmix. I left off the hood.

Here is another cute knit outfit made with the same fabric. The picture makes it look like the neckline is a bit wonky but it really is not. I do not totally care for the style of shirt and would prefer the lap tee style. This is about a size 6 months or so.


Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

Here is another dress made from the Olivia farbenmix pattern. I LOVE the farbenmix patterns. Again this is knit fabric and I am still practicing. I did mess up a bit on the hood but it is still cute. It is hard to tell but the hood has a cute knotted tail on it.

Goodbye Tiki

2008-05-24T15:37:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we had to put our much loved cat, Tiki, to sleep.
She was almost 18 years old and was starting to suffer. We knew about 2 weeks ago that this needed to be done but we just were not quite ready to let go. We spent the past 2 weeks with her, loving her, petting her, making sure she got to lay on her favorite blanket in the sunny window everyday. She got to eat her favorite foods...turkey and tuna and she got lots of love. We took lots of pictures of her and plan to put pictures from her 18 years of life into video slide show. She was cremated and we will pick up her ashes in about 2 weeks and have them in a special urn on the shelf next to Dr J. ( rays kitty that died years ago).
Tiki outlived many of the other pets she lived with. There were 2 dogs who tiki lived with back when she was much younger, link and otis. Tiki would play with them and then drive them crazy but running away from them. They would catch her and lick her all over. We fondly called this game "get the kitty". Link and Otis both died a few years ago and I have no doubt that tiki is with them now playing get the kitty.
Tiki was always a small cat but recently lost so much weight that she was just skin and bones. She loved everybody in the family but also had a very big mean streak in her and we all have scars to remind us of her and her claws.
Tiki was spayed when she was just a kitty so never was a mama kitty but she sure nurtured me through my pregnancies. She would lay by my side or on my belly. I have pictures of her laying near me while I would breastfeed. She seemed to just be able to sense when I needed her nearby.
As much as it breaks my heart to not have her here with me, it was out of love that I was able to let her go and not have her continue to suffer. She was getting sicker and sicker and we knew there was nothing else we could do to fix her.
Tiki lived a full life and was always loved and taken care of.

Art

2008-05-23T00:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it is sort of like art lol. We were bored and also running low on crafting supplies. Sterling was in the mood to mix stuff and make a mess. We had already done the corn starch stuff and mixed all the vinegar we had with baking soda. I dug through the drawers and pulled out the food coloring. I let sterling mix it with water to make different colored water. Then, he wanted to paint with it. Well, we happened to have a loaf of bread that was going stale sitting on the counter so I do not know why it crossed my mind to paint on the bread, but it did. This was not the best of ideas, the bread got very soggy and was a mess. If we ever do this again I would toast the bread first.
Or...just get real paint and paper.

The cat wants in on the action also...

Another day at home..

2008-05-22T20:51:00.000-07:00

Ok I admit, I did not get out of the house today like I had set my goal for. I stayed up until 2am in a panic worrying about having to go out. I finally convinced myself that it was silly to force myself to leave my home where I feel safe unless I have to.
I also spent most of the day in pain. I took my oxycontin just like I am supposed to and took the maximum amount of oxycodone but it still just did not help with the achy feeling in my bones.
I spent most of the day on the couch, with my laptop and television. I keep hoping that there will be a new med for my pain that will help but so far there has been nothing that has worked for me.
I have heard some new things about high level folic acid helping with some of the pain. My dr mentioned it last time I saw him but we did not go further into it because we were mostly concerned with the new pain I had in my right arm and shoulder and were trying to see if it was nerve pain or something else.
I just am tired of feeling so much pain. It has been years since I have had a pain free moment. I can no longer even wear a bra because it causes too much pain in my ribs. I have had to switch to just wearing cami bras. I can only wear loose shoes like crocs, tevas, birks etc because my foot swelling so much that the shoes hurt. I also noticed since the addition of a different med a few months ago my contact lens bother me often and I have to switch to glasses on most days. I think it is caused from dry eyes. I even got special contacts that are supposed to be good for dry eyes. It is hard to explain the level of pain I have. Some days the pain is so bad that I can not even brush my hair. If I can manage to get through my anxiety for long enough to go get my hair cut that would help a ton with that problem. I have been to anxious to go get a haircut for years so my hair is way down my back. Not because I planned to grow it that long, but because I just could not manage to get a haircut lol.
I have a long list of lab work I need to get done, there are a few new things that are being tested, things like vitamin D and vitamin A. Of course a repeat of the lupus test and my sed rate, which has been sky high the times it has been tested. I saw one rheumatologist but he was an odd odd duck and I never went back since my regular dr specializes in pain issues but if my sed rate is still really high or the ana test ( tests for lupus) comes back abnormal I will have to go find another rheumatologist to see.
I have an order to go get an xray of my neck to check if there is any further changes in the bone spurs and discs.
I think I am going to go soak in the jacuzzi tub and lay on the couch with a heat bag for awhile.

Palace or Prison?

2008-05-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

I have thought about this question off and on. Is my home my palace or my prison? I am stuck here and can not leave due to my fears and phobias. For awhile I thought of it as my prison. I think I have worked hard to make it more a palace. ( Ok...it is a mobile home but still ya know...) I have everything I need here. I am comfortable here. I have one room of the house that I call my room. It is an extra living room and it is set up with everything I could need. I have my computer, my sewing machine, fans, lights, tv, remote controls, dvds, stereo, phone, treadmill, my blanket for snuggling on the couch, windows to look out and see the wildlife outside ( if you call snakes and ground squirrels wildlife..there have been hours that the ground squirrels have entertained me..) I have my 2 dogs by my side every second of the day. I have shelves of books. I can chat with all my friends online. Luckily I enjoy being home. Luckily I live in an era of technology. I can not imagine what a prison my life would feel like if I did not have access to the outside world through my computer.

Fish on a hook

2008-05-21T14:11:00.000-07:00

I have tried to explain agoraphobia before but I really think this video makes a lot of sense.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=211265947557574874
Check out this video, it is only 3 minutes long and well worth watching.
This is very close to how I feel. I want to go out and I want to do things with friends and my kids. I just can't. I know that does not make any sense to most people. I have had people tell me that I just need to get out of the house and I do try. I have every intention to go out but as the time gets closer to me having to leave I start having symptoms of panic and anxiety. I start feeling sick to my stomach and having a hard time catching my breath. My heart starts racing. I become very irritable because I am frustrated and had high hopes that this time would be different and I would be able to go out and not have these symptoms. I finally decide that I can not go out. Slowly I calm back down but after my panic levels are back to normal I trade those feelings for depression and disappointment. I get depressed because of guilt that I am not doing the things with my kids that I feel I should be doing. Of course the more I focus on this, the worse it makes me feel.

I do want to make goals to get out but now with gas prices going up and it being so hot, I almost feel like I can use that as an excuse. But, I know that I need to work at this.
Tomorrow I am making a goal to go to goodwill. It is only about 2 miles from here, maybe less. I want to go there and just make it a goal to go in. Usually, once I make it in to a place I do better. It is the anticipation and planning that is the hard part.
Since the first of the year, besides dr appts, I think I have gone out 2 times. That is just not good. I really need to get out 1 time a week. Even just to go to the library or somewhere. The longer I go without leaving, the harder it gets to leave. Once I start going out on a more regular basis it will become more habit and I will get used to it. Just starting is the hard part. Just imagine if each time you wanted to leave the house you felt sick and could not breath....after awhile you would just stop wanting to go out. No matter how badly you wanted to go out the symptoms of panic would make you decide it was just easier to stay home.

oooops

2008-05-21T11:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, obviously I have done something way wrong with my photos on here.
I had it all figured out when I was using photobucket and I could easily resize my pics. I changed to snapfish because I prefer to order my prints from there and I can upload tons and tons of pics very easily. I am going to need to figure out how to fix this. It looks awful!!!!

cute little reversible cross over dress

2008-05-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

I think this is just sooo cute. It needs a few adjustments to the pattern before I sew it again. It seems a bit to boxy for me and needs to be narrowed down. The cross over part crosses over a bit too much. I also am not happy about the snap placement. But, it still is cute and would be an adorable summer dress or swim suit cover up.

Here is a pic of the reverse print of the dress


Cropping beyond this point will result in a resolution too low to produce quality prints

A few of my recent sewing projects

2008-05-21T10:30:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to get some sewing done. I have sewn lots and lots of doll slings and doll diapers recently and am taking a tiny bit of a break from them to sew some other things. I do not sew for any specific person, just look through patterns and pick whatever I feel like sewing. When I am done sewing then I usually just find somebody who wants what I made and give it away.
The past few days I have been sewing purses and totes. None are totally finished but I will post pics when they are done.
Here is a cute baby outfit I made. I think it is about a size 9-12 months. It is 2 tops and 1 bottom. Each top is reversible though so it can be worn at least a few different ways.
(Oh, I still have to add snaps to the shoulders)

This second shirt also reverses to a solid print on the other side. This is a cute little summer outfit. The back of it crosses in the back.

More goodies

2008-05-21T00:32:00.000-07:00

I have a few more pictures of some other goodies I got in the mail in the past week or so.
I ordered this stuff from house of tarts, well now actually it is called hot scents boutique.
I love all her products and she is such a nice gal. Anytime I email her she emails me right back and is so helpful. She will mix any scent that you would like. I have no clue how she comes up with all these awesome scents but they are amazing. I had a bottle of perfume in candied musk scent and wow was it awesome. It is gone now, Sterling loved it...he loved it a little to much and went around spraying random stuff with it. My house smelled good but my poor bottle of perfume was used up way to quickly. I have a list of other scents I have tried and love. Right now I am wearing a body spray in cherry lollipop...not a scent I would think I would like but she sent it as a free sample and it really is a nice scent. She sends quite a few samples and every time I get hooked on a new scent. I love the samples because usually she sends scents that I would otherwise have never tried. That is how I came upon candied musk. I have never ever been a big fan of musk..and candied musk just sounds um..a bit icky.
Ok..I have pictures and a list of scents but it is almost 1 am and need to finish this up. I will add the pics tomorrow.
Pics added

Top is sugar scrubs. The pink one is jelly belly tini and is extra creamy formula. The blue one is island blue rum runner and is in the just right formula. OMG...they smell soooo good and leave my skin so soft. They both smell awesome. The island blue rum runner is not a scent I would have thought to order but she included it with my order as a free sample and I love it.
The bottom 2 are silk whip body cream. They are soft and fluffy and feel like whipped cream. I got pomegranate cotton candy and hot pink mama.. she also sent a small sample of banana.

This is all my goodies from this order. I think this is my 5th order from here and every single one I have loved. The tarts are sooo yummy and strong. Right now I am melting fruit and butter cookie scent and it is awesome. Some of my faves are fruit lewp, tutti fruiti bubble gum, cotton candy clouds, iced rose, orange county housewives, hawaiian cherries and many many more. There have only been a few that I have not cared for.
The perfume samples are all awesome. Some of the best are cherry lollipop, tropical wedding cake strawberry buttercream, pink young lady, frosted pink cupcake with sprinkles. But they are all yummy.
Here is a link to her site http://www.hotscentboutique.com/ if you order make sure you use my name as a referral and I will get some free goodies if you order.

How?

2008-05-20T21:38:00.001-07:00

I am trying to understand how this happens...how do you have a friend one day that says that you are their best friend, they think you are like a sister and then the next day they ignore you and act like they no longer want to be your friend?
I am a loyal friend. Friends until the end. Friends through thick and thin, ups and downs, good times and bad times. I guess I just expected the same in return. I can think of only a few things that somebody could do to me to make me stop being their friend. Things like stealing from me, sleeping with my husband...that sort of stuff. Petty stuff like white lies, small arguments, not agreeing over something etc just does not really bother me.
I would do anything for a friend. I would give them the shirt off my back and my shoes and anything else they needed. I feel like having a friend takes work and is a two way street. If one friend is putting way more into the friendship then the other then it is not an equal friendship.
What saddens me the most is to think that our friendship, which I found very important, seems to be so disposable to the other person. There was no real falling out, no fight, no huge problem that happened to cause this. Just a few things that did not turn out the way my friend wanted them to, which was not my fault, and she has decided to abandon the friendship. I have tried to revive it. Written as if nothing has happened, written and asked what was wrong, written and asked over and over for forgiveness( for what I am not sure because I did not do anything wrong), told her I was sorry for anything that she may think I have done, written and asked about things going on in her life, written and offered to send her goodies and all to no avail. I got an email or two back in reply. Mere sentences that was not much more then you would expect from a stranger, not from somebody who said they cared and loved you.
I am confused . Wondering what I did so wrong in her eyes that would warrant her not wanting to be a part of my life and me a part of hers.
So, this has left me confused and mostly wondering how??? how does this happen.
whew, I needed to get that off my chest lol
It is all ok though, I have a best friend who would never do this to me. I have other friends who would come to me if we had a problem and work it out. This has upset me mostly because I did not do anything and because I just can not figure it out. But I am able to move on, leave the past in the past and only spend the present and the future nurturing friendships that are worthy of more then a quick abandon if at anytime the journey gets a bit bumpy.
I know who my friends are. I want friends who will not ditch me when the going gets tough. That is when a true friend hangs on the tightest. I have spent enough time going over and over in my head what it is I did so wrong and how can I regain this friendship but I realize that it is not my problem. I reached out numerous times and it has not done any good. I will not beg for a friend or spend anymore time thinking about it. I have other more positive things to do with my time and other friends that enjoy my friendship and who want to share things in their life with me and want to hear what is going on in my life.
I am a loyal friend and I guess I expect that in return.
On to a lighter note lol..my best friend is going to be a grandma. I am so excited for her and I can not wait to start helping sew up the baby stuff. Hopefully in the next few weeks they will find out the gender of the baby and then it will be time to start sewing sewing sewing. My other friend is due in august with a baby girl and I am sure I have some pretty girly fabric that is just waiting for me to sew it up into cute stuff.

fun grab bags

2008-05-19T18:33:00.001-07:00

Well, I should say fun grab boxes. This past month I bought a few from a couple of companies. The first one, Little Black Box is one that I had wanted for awhile but just was always to late to order one before they are sold out. They usually go on sale about the 25th of the month and see out the same day. They cost about 25 dollars but I got a deal that if I paid for 2 months in advance I got 2 months for 43 dollars and that included shipping. I was so pleased with all the goodies I got so figured I would share pics of my stuff. Oh, well I should actually describe what the boxes are. They are boxes of samples from all different etailers. They send in samples to the company and the company makes them into boxes and then ships them out. Not only did I get the samples and some full size items but I got coupon codes for discounts on my first purchase from the companies. This is such a neat idea because otherwise I would not have heard of most of these companies.
here is my box from little black box. I should have taken the picture much closer up so you could actually see what I got. Next time I will make sure to get better pictures. I expect my next box to mail out about the 25th of this month...check back and I will post pics of that.

I also ordered a box from Lemming Central. It is the same idea, box of samples. I was so excited with all the goodies I totally forgot to take pictures. I wish I had because out of the 3 companies I got boxes from this past month the one from Lemming Central was my favorite. They do not have one every month like the other 2 companies. I think Lemming central has a box every other month. I know they did not have one in May but they will have one in June..and I will be ordering one lol

The 3rd place I ordered from was snowberry creek candles. I had not heard much about them before but figured it was worth a shot. The box cost about 23 dollars and that included priority mail shipping. I loved everything in it. The other cool thing is....when you order a box you get entered into a drawing for either a full size product or a free box the following month. I did not think about it because I never win any of those types of things. Imagine my surprise when I got an email saying that I would be getting a free box in May because I won the drawing. YEEEEHAWWWW lol. The purple cellophane bag has teas and coffees from sbs teas. The coffee was delicious. The teas look yummy but I am not a huge fan of loose teas. I am going to pass them on to a friend. I also got teas from sbs teas in my box from lemming central and I got tea from blue raven tea in my box from little black box.

High school confidental

2008-04-30T23:32:00.000-07:00

I have watched this show this past season and it got me thinking about how things could have been so different if I had a different high school experience. If I could go back in time there are quite a few things I would do differently. The first thing I wish I had known in high school is that it was not important to have to have a boyfriend. I started out high school so excited about what was to come. I was in band and so had a large group of friends. My first semester was so fun. I played in the marching band at all the football games, we did lots of parades. I was invited to go to parties and to movies and always did something fun on the weekend like miniature golf, skating, ice skating, or just out for ice cream. By my second semester I was starting to focus on boyfriends. By march I had a serious boyfriend. I did not realize it then but that was a downfall. I started withdrawing from my group of friends. I could not concentrate on my schooling because I was always concerned about boy stuff...I was an emotional mess, worried about if my boyfriend was going to break up with me, or if I was going to see him that day or why had he not called the night before etc. I stopped doing fun stuff with my girl friends. I started being that needy girl who could not make up my own mind. The summer between 10th and 11th grade I spent almost every day with my boyfriend. I was totally isolated from my friends and the things that I used to do. It was not totally bad because my boyfriend was a great guy. He was older then me so he had just graduated. Of course I could not imagine going to 11th grade and not having my boyfriend there. It was a really hard time to start 11th grade after spending most of the summer with my boyfriend. When school started and he did not go to the same school with me anymore I was rather lost. I had fallen into the thought that I needed a boyfriend to complete me.
I ended up breaking up with him and within days had another boyfriend....this new boyfriend was not a good guy at all. He treated me badly and made me feel like I deserved it. I lost all self confidence in myself. I had no self esteem. I was failing out of my classes, I ditched at least one day a week.
I think if I could change one thing about high school it would be that I realized that there would be plenty of time for boyfriends and that I should focus on other things as well as make sure to maintain friendships with my girl friends.
I have more to write on this topic but it is midnight so I will have to finish tomorrow...

why?

2008-04-10T00:06:00.000-07:00

Why do I purposely do things that cause me anxiety? Well, maybe it is not totally on purpose, it just kind of happens that way.
Before I started having all my health problems I worked in the medical field. I was a respiratory therapist and then went on to get a degree in nursing. Anything that had to do with medicine, illnesses etc totally fascinated me. About a year before I stopped working I was seriously looking into finally fulfilling a dream of mine. I had always wanted to work at st judes childrens research hospital in Tennessee. I had found out that they had an internship of sorts that was over the summer. They covered room and board as well as a small stipend. It would be a great opportunity to see what goes on in research and to see the hospital and decide if it was something for me to pursue or not.
Once I started with my panic stuff, anything related to an illness would cause panic.
For some reason though I still find myself drawn towards reading stories of peoples illnesses. I guess the part of me that used to be interested in that sort of stuff still remains...even though the rest of me just can not deal with hearing about that sort of stuff.
I was browsing the internet earlier and of course I come across a site that has peoples stories of their illnesses. Sort of like an online journal that they can keep of their hospital stay so friends and family can be updated. I started reading. It was interesting to hear some of the new ways they are treating certain diseases. At first it was ok for me...then my heart started beating faster. I kept reading because it was interesting and I kept telling myself that the illnesses I was reading about were not anything that I had to worry about. But, then of course I start wondering if maybe I have the disease. The one story, the lady had cancer. She was having pains in her ribs. Well, my ribs have hurt for months. She also was tired all the time and I have been tired for a long time also. I started going down the list of symptoms she had and I started thinking that wow I have some of those also. That is when I started to panic and started to imagine some of the symptoms. Now I start checking myself for other symptoms. Feeling my breasts and any other place I can for lumps. Feeling all my lymph nodes. Listening to my heart and lungs. Checking my pupils etc..just checking myself to see if I have any other symptom all the while praying that no other symptoms will show up. I look in the mirror and start imagining myself with a feeding tube or an ET tube. Or what I would look like laying in the hospital bed. My one big fear of a terminal illness is that I am so scared to suffer. I am afraid that I will be short of breath and feel like I am choking. By this time I am in a full fledged anxiety attack. The kids are asking me something and I scream at them to just leave me alone that I am busy. Of course I did not tell them that mama was busy freaking out over a disease that somebody else has...I finally do get myself settled down. Convinced myself that I probably do not have this disease and decide that I will have the dr write me up a form to go get a bunch of lab work done this week so I can be reassured that I am ok.
I really need to not look at these sorts of medical sites. I need to stick to the forums and other peoples online drama posts lol and not read anything that sets me off. Realistically I know that everybody dies and that I will die one day also but I just get nothing good out of focusing on it and worrying about it. Every time I cause myself to get worked up like this it is just a step back and it makes me feel very anxious for days and makes me super aware of any little thing that may be a sign that something is wrong with me.
I see the psych dr on the 15th and I really need to set up some appts to see the therapist as well. I need to talk to somebody about all the anger and stuff that I have towards my parents and other things in my life but I also need to learn some cognitive behavior therapy to help deal with some of my anxiety. I have been trying to meditate and relax when I feel anxiety coming on and it does seem to help some but I do know there are other techniques that are supposed to help some.
The good news is, I have not had to use the xanax nearly as much this month as I have been. I have gone days at a time without needing to take one at all.
I need to head to bed now and just think about crafts or sewing and nice things lol.
I do have some sewing projects that I completed that I plan to add to my blog tomorrow. I also am going to make some peach cobbler tomorrow with Sterling. We were going to do it today but it just did not happen. I also have everything set out to make soap playdough using melt and pour glycerin soap, liquid glycerin, scent and color. I think it will be lots of fun. We have bubble gum fragrance oil to use. I plan to take pictures and maybe add a tutorial for the soap dough. I have a tutorial for wax tarts to add also and a few other thing. So many things I want to do...not nearly enough energy and motivation to do them.

My dad

2008-03-31T13:33:00.000-07:00

I have never felt close to my dad. I do care about him and love him because he is my dad but I never had very strong feelings for him in any other way. When I was younger I was not close to hi because he was mean and I was scared of him most of the time. He believed in spanking and it was not just a spank or two. It was a huge ordeal of him screaming and yelling and then spanking over and over again...he even bragged that he would spank us over and over in the same spot to make sure it hurt. His opinion was always right no matter what. There was no changing his opinion on anything. His opinions were often stupid and were based on some stupid thing that he believed to be true. He was judgmental about all my friends and always had something rude to say about them. He would say things about how my friends dressed, the makeup they wore, how their parents raised them etc and most of the time he had no idea what he was even talking about and was just talking out his ass and proving that whatever he said was right. He loved to have power trips and tell us NO just because he could. He had stupid sayings that he would say over and over...and had stupid things that we were not allowed to say. We were not allowed to use the word hate because he said it was too strong of a word...We were not allowed to say that anybody was bad..like I could not say my brother was bad...I had to say my brother did bad things...this was just something my dad insisted on. He had this theory that if we said somebode was bad that it would make them start believing they were bad and then they would become bad ( ?????) made no sense to me then nor now. There were quite a few other things that we could not say. Another one was the word sorry....we could not say we were sorry because according to him it meant that we deserved to be punished...but instead we were supposed to say I apologize...made no sense to me then nor now...The worst part was not only did he make my brother and I obey these things but if friends were over he would insist they same from them. His words were this is his house and things will be done his way in his house...
Even with all the bad, the one thing I always did believe was that my dad was tough. He suffered from many different health problems but he always got better even when the doctors were not sure if he would. One of his kidneys shut down when he was 18, he had 1/2 a lung removed, his heart has been failing for many years, he had several detached retina surgeries and the list goes on and on. But, he always was tough and we used to call him a tough old bird. Sadly I think he is not tough anymore and that he is going downhill and I am not sure how much longer he will be around.
Even though I do not have that deep love for him that some girls have for their fathers, I know he does love me and always has and he does always say how much he loves me and how proud he is etc.
I sat here in my living room today and looked out my window. The handi-car drove up next door to pick my dad up for a dr appt....my tough dad has not even been able to drive for a few months. I heard the handi car beep its horn and I looked out the window to see if my dad was coming out of the house. I was very very sad at what I saw. I knew my dads health has been failing but I guess I just did not notice how much he has deteriorated. I saw him come out of his house and he had his walker. He moved so slowly that it took him almost 5 minutes to get over to the car. He was weak and hunched over. He could hardly get into the car. He needed help getting his legs into the car. I do not know why but just the site of this made me sad...sad that this tough old bird is not so tough anymore...and sad that I have missed out on the feelings for my father that other people have for theirs.
I wish that I could have the type of parents that other people have. The ones where I can share stuff with and we can act like a family and do things together. I guess there is nothing I can do about it except to make sure that I am the kind of parent to my kids that I always wish my parents were to me.

another week....nothing new

2008-03-29T22:17:00.000-07:00

Another week has gone by. Nothing new is going on. I have been feeling really guilty recently about me not being able to do the things with my kids that I would really like to do. When I had my first 3 kids I was always busy with my own schooling and work and trying to work my way up etc. On my days off I was busy studying or catching up on everything that needed to be done for the week.
When I had Sterling and knew that I was not going to go back to work I was so excited that I could be one of the stay at home moms that I was always so jealous of. I had some problems with anxiety right after he was born. Mostly worried that something was wrong with him, he was not getting enough breastmilk, he was too hot, too cold etc. The way I was worried it was worse then being a first time mom. I just had been wanting another child for years and it seemed so hard for it to happen that I was worried that something would go wrong. After he got to be about 9 months old I started feeling better about things. He was thriving and chunky and sooo cute lol. When he was one I started taking him to a few places. We went to the play area in the mall and that sort of thing. When he was closer to 2 we really started trying to get out. I joined the moms club and would go when I felt up to it. We met at the park. I took him to a few craft days at the craft store. I took him to toddler bowling at the bowling alley, story time at bookstores, the indoor jumping castle place etc I was just really starting to enjoy the things that I had always wanted to do with a child....of course none of it lasted very long. He turned 2 the end of April and then I had my first major panic attack mid august. So he was not even 2 1/2 years old when everything seemed to change for me.
I keep trying to get back into taking the kids places but I just can not seem to do it. There is a little park a few streets over and I am usually fine to go there. But, I just feel so guilty that they are stuck at home with me. I want to take them places. I want to start them in swim lessons soon. I have plans to do these things and then when it gets closer to taking them I just start to panic. I just wish we had a few kids in the neighborhood that were about Sterlings age so they could come over and play with him. Curtis is a very solitary type of guy and can do his own thing all day and have fun on his own. BUT, Sterling is a very social energetic type of kid and he needs to be around other people. Ray does take them out. They go for their special boys night out dinner every other Thursday. Ray takes them out to the store and out for donuts. But it is not the same as me taking them places. I need to make goals for myself instead of just sitting here waiting for things to happen. I will never get out if I do not start forcing myself some. I have been chatting online with a few people who live locally and I have never met them. One is into sewing the same sorts of things I sew and we have emailed a few times about fabric and stuff and she invited me to meet her for coffee...I have not emailed her back. I want to go but I do not want to make plans and then flake out on her. I also found a group on yahoo that is a group for our area for unschooled kids and they meet for park day and one of the gals lives on this side of town and has a son close in age to Curtis and he has the same interests has curtis. She invited us over to her house to meet her and for the kids to meet...again I really want to go but I just do not know what to do.
I think I need to start small...maybe I will take the boys during a slow time of the day ( not lunch or dinner time) over to mcdonalds for a snack and let them play at the indoor play area. Then maybe the following week I can take them to the library while all the other kids are in school. We can sit down in the kids area and play a game or two and pick out some books. All of this sounds great now...but when it comes time to do it I have excuses....It really is not fair...
The summer is coming and there are always fun activities in the summer. I want my kids to have fun and enjoy being a kid and not have to worry about their mom freaking out in the middle of a store lol...I really should not complain. It could be much worse. I am lucky that Ray is home a good amount of the time and when summer comes he will take off an extra day every week and so he will only have to work 2 days a week so really the kids are very lucky to have a dad who is around so much and is so involved in their daily lifes. I wish I had a dad like him..

Onto my crafting news lol. I have crocheted 7 hats/beanie newborn ones with cute little flowers on them. I am thinking I will donate them. I also found another really cool charity that I want to be involved in. It is a charity that supplies pads to girls in Africa. I never really thought before about what life would be like if I did not have easy access to pads, tampons, diva cup etc...Some of the girls in Africa can not go to school during their periods because they do not have pads. There is a charity that is having people sew cloth pads to be sent there. This is great because they will have pads that they can use over and over and not have to worry about running out or not having a supply for each month. Also, cloth pads will not cause the trash problems that disposable ones would. Most of their trash they get rid of by burning but disposable pads have plastic in them and burning them would not be a good idea. I am going to sew some pads to donate to the charity. I have not decided how many I will sew yet. As soon as I get a pattern drawn up and sew the first one or two then I will be able to decide how many I can commit to sewing. I am thinking probably at least 20 of them or so. It mostly depends on if I can find some cheap PUL to buy ( that is the waterproof layer in cloth pads). I have tons and tons of other fabric but no pul...I am glad that I can sew some of these and hopefully help out a few girls.

It is the little things

2008-03-18T15:47:00.000-07:00

I have always known that some of the best things in life are the smallest. A smile, a gentle touch, a kind word. They all have the ability to make a difference in someones day. Maybe you smiled at somebody who was having an awful day and it was enough to make the person feel better and know they are not alone. You would not even know how much your kind words may mean to somebody.
Today we went to the park. It was a nice day out and I was feeling good and figured a quick trip to the park would be good. I took Sterling and Curtis. Sterling ran off to play with other kids and Curtis sat by my side. He is shy and often feels like he does not fit in. He was waiting to see if there were other kids around his age to play with. He did not see any. After a few moments he saw a teenage girl and her brother playing basketball. Curtis has NEVER played basketball. For some reason Curtis wanted to go ask them if he could play. When he told me this my heart tightened up. People are cruel and because Curtis is different due to his aspergers I just was thinking they would laugh at him or be mean to him. I tried to tell Curtis maybe he could just play with his brother. But he was insistent on asking if he could go play basketball. I was proud of him that he wanted to ask because normally he is too shy to even do that. Well...he went over and asked and they welcomed him into their playing. They were patient with Curtis when he dribbled the ball with both hands and when he would pick up the ball and walk instead of dribbling the ball. They encouraged him to throw the ball and taught him where the out of bounds lines were and how to pass the ball. I sat nearby and watched. It may not have seemed like a big deal to somebody else but for me it brought tears to my eyes. Curtis playing happily just like the other kids. They gave him a chance to play. Curtis is the kindest most gentle person I have ever known. He cries when a bird is hurt. He just can not seem to fit in though. That is fine with me because I love him just the way he is but sometimes it is nice to see the kindness of others. I am sure the teenage girl and her brother have already forgotten my sons name and they probably do not realize how much it meant to Curtis and me that they let him play but for me it is something that seems like a little thing to others but really was a big thing to us.
Curtis is still talking about how fun it was and how he wants his dad to buy a basketball and take him to the park so they can play. Maybe he will never play again or maybe this was just the start of him enjoying to play but it was a big step for Curtis to step outside his comfort zone and by them being nice and kind to him it showed him that there are people who will take the time to be nice.

OCD is not a joke

2008-03-15T13:14:00.000-07:00

I have heard people joking about OCD. How it is funny how obsessive compulsive somebody is. It is likened to somebody being anal about stuff. I have a great sense of humor and can find the humor in myself and in my OCD but really it is not a fun thing to deal with.
OCD can range in what kinds of things it makes people do. The obsessive part makes people think thoughts over and over and the compulsive part is what makes people perform rituals like hand washing, checking the door locks etc. Some people with OCD have both of these and some only have one. I have both but for me the compulsive part is pretty mild. It is the obsessive thoughts that consume me at times.
My compulsive symptoms are mostly having to have things on the coffee table all facing one direction, not having any specks of stuff on the carpet, all the pillows on the couch facing the same way, checking and rechecking that I actually hung up the phone etc..just various things like that but I can fight the urges and get through it for a bit. It is nothing like some people have where they have to perform rituals like counting how many times they touch something or having to wash their hands over and over.
It is not fun to have a thought in my head and then not be able to focus on anything else. It is almost as if the thought takes up my entire brain and I can not do anything else except think of this crazy thought.
I am working on it and have gotten better at being able to replace these crazy negative thoughts with other thoughts.

copied from my crafty blog

2008-03-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

I was able to copy stuff from my crafty/sewing blog..well, I think I was. Lets see if this works.
Ok..it worked but I did not like the way it looked at all. An entire blog of posts all shoved in under one post.
So...you can go see my previous posts at my craft blog here http://saycanyousew.blogspot.com/
But, from now on I will just be posting all my posts here on this blog..

Sharing

2008-03-10T09:39:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog...a few years ago, I had kept it anonymous. I kept this blog to post about my mental illness and my feelings. I then had another blog on yahoo 360 that I posted about my family and other fun stuff I wanted to share. Then I started another blog on blogger that was to share my crafting and sewing projects. I have been thinking recently that this is rather silly. I used to think that people who wanted to see my sewing blog or my fun family blog maybe did not want to be bothered by reading about my mental problems. Then I also figured that people who wanted to read this blog maybe did not want to read about my crafting and other stuff. But, each blog is just a part of the story. I am all the blogs put together and it seems silly for me to continue to keep them separate. My main thoughts on this are that I am not ashamed of my mental problems and I hope that maybe by me sharing and showing that it is no less a part of my life then my crafts and my family that maybe others will see that it is not a subject that needs to be hidden or only shared anonymously.
I am not sure if I can somehow combine my 2 blogger blogs. I will check into that. This is the place that I will continue my blogging though even if I can not combine blogs. I will just start using this blog for all the stuff I post.

A pretty good day

2008-03-09T21:09:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty good stress free day. I did not do much of anything.
I forgot to post about my dr appt on friday. The good news is that the dr does not think my terrible arm and shoulder pain is nerve pain from neuropathy or a pinched nerve. He is pretty sure that I have a bad case of tendonitis in the tendon that runs from the back of my shoulder down my bicep and to my elbow. That is why I am having pain throughout the entire area and why it feels like a burning cramping. He gave me a prescription for a NSAID and I have to go get an xray this week. I also have to ice it for 20 minutes every hour and try to rest my arm. I need to call tomorrow and make an appt with the orthopedist arm specialist and see about getting cortisone injections into that area to help speed up the healing. Otherwise according to my dr. this could take a fair amount of time to totally get better. I have no idea what I did to injure my arm...and I wish that it was not causing me pain but I am glad that it is not nerve pain. At least this pain will heal and go away unlike nerve pain.
Last night I had one of the most wonderful baths. I used to love to take a bath but lately just do not take the time to do so. I take a shower instead since it is easier and faster. But, I miss a nice soak in the tub. A sweet sweet online friend sent me some stuff from the LUSH store. If you have not heard of lush you are missing out. We do not have a lush store locally and shipping from the online lush site is so high that I have not ordered from the but I have looked at the stuff over and over and drooled at some of it lol. Well, an online friend J. lives near a lush store and she offered to pick me up some stuff. She sent me a box of goodies the other day and OMG I am in heaven. Bubble bars, bath fizzies, body and hair wash etc. So, last night AND the night before I had a nice long soak in my jacuzzi bath tub. I started thinking about why I did not do this more often. I just felt like it was too much trouble. But...why?? I run the tub and clean the tub for the kids to take a bath. I need to start taking the time for myself to do things that I enjoy. Now I just need to get a bath caddy that holds a book and other goodies and I will be set. My friend went back to lush yesterday and I had her pick me up a few more things. A shampoo bar, a jungle hair conditioner bar,candy fluff dusting powder and I am not sure what else...she will ship it to me and I will anxiously check the mail each day.
I am trying not to feel guilty about spending the money on myself...I am sure there are a bunch of other things much more practical that we could use...like new towels, new kitchen utensils, a new can opener etc...but none of them will make me feel anywhere near as good as buying these yummy smelling bath goodies for myself. Ya know the saying....if mama aint happy....aint nobody happy....so I will just justify the goodies by saying they are good for the happiness of the entire family hehe.

Thinking of how lucky I am

2008-03-08T22:59:00.000-08:00

I have spent the past few days feeling sorry for myself. Being upset that I have been in so much pain, that my house is a mess, that I am overweight, that I can not seem to get anything done etc. Tonight I was just sitting here thinking about what my life was like 15-20 years ago..wow that sounds like a long time ago lol. I am 37 now. When I was 16 I got married for the first time. It was a very bad relationship. There were so many things wrong with our marriage that it is surprising it lasted as long as it did, almost 7 years. I think about how lucky I am now to have the husband I have, the house I have, the income etc as well as other things like having enough food in the house, being able to pay our electric bill. I was sitting here before complaining about how unorganized my house is, how it is not decorated, how it is messy etc and then I compared it to some of the places I lived when I was married to M...there were times that we were very close to being homeless and there was a time that we lived in a house that should have been condemned. It had no flooring, it was just dirt. Most of the house was made up of old ammo crates and had clothing stuck in between them to seal up the uneven areas and then it had some plaster over it which was cracking and falling apart. We had no plumbing to the kitchen sink, we had to put a big bucket underneath the sink so when we washed dishes the water would just go into the bucket and then we had to go dump the bucket. Some of the windows were boarded up. We had cockroaches so bad that I was scared to walk around with no shoes on. At night you could hear them moving around. After I thought about that for awhile it totally put things into perspective for me. I have a great life now. I have an easy life now. My husband takes care of me and makes sure I have everything I need. He would never treat me badly and he shows me daily that he loves me. He is a wonderful father and the kids love him. I can not even imagine having to live the way I used to. I sometimes wonder how I made it through. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday and then other times it feels like it was a lifetime ago.
I need to be grateful for what I have instead of longing for what I do not have. I am very lucky and need to keep reminding myself that. Even though I have my mental and physical issues I still have much to be happy about.
15-20 years ago I sometimes daydream about my future. About getting out of the mess I was in. I would dream about being with a man that I love ( and one that did not beat me up like M. used to) I would dream about being able to go to the store and having money to buy stuff for the kids.
I remember a time when I was pregnant with J. and we were so broke. I worked tons at a nursing home as a cna my entire pregnancy. I could not buy any cute maternity clothes, I could not buy cute things for the baby. I had no nursery to decorate, no baby shower etc I hardly knew how I could afford to feed him. When I would go to my prenatal visits I would be in the waiting room with other woman who were so happy to be pregnant. They had their husbands with them. They had cute maternity clothing and were glowing with happiness. I was in some stretched out old sweatpants and a mans tshirt and looked worn out from having just worked 12 hour night shifts. I would sit in the waiting room and wish that it was me that had a loving husband with me at my dr visit and that I could take a maternity leave and have a baby shower and do all those fun things. Never in my dreams did I actually think it would happen. I felt like I would be stuck in that life forever.
Now, I am that woman with a loving husband. I sometimes forget just how much worse things can be. Sometimes I start wanting more...but then I realize that what I have now is more...much much more and that I need to be thankful for what I have instead of wishing for things I do not need.
I really need to make it a priority to take the time to show my family how much I appreciate them and how much they mean to me. This evening I did tell R. what a great husband he was and how much he meant to me and he told me that he really felt good hearing it. That made me realize that I do not say it enough. I am going to work hard on seeing the positive side of things. I think that will bring me a new outlook on things. To appreciate what I do have and not waste my time desiring things that I do not have.

Had a good day

2008-03-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. Thank goodness. I needed to get through today with out having any issues with panic or anxiety. I worried that if the same thing happened today that happened yesterday that it would cause a huge setback. I would then start anticipating that it would happen every day and then because I would be so caught up in worrying about it, it would happen.
According to my pysch doctor. The longer I go without a panic attack the better my chances are of not having one. That makes sense to me. When I go awhile without having one I start to gain confidence in myself and I stop focusing so much on my panic. I start thinking that my meds are working well and that I do not have to worry about having a panic attack again. I am really glad that my panic attack yesterday did not get so bad that it caused a setback. For me some panic breeds more panic and it is like a snowball effect. It is best if it just does not start at all.
I am still in tons of pain in my arm. I do not know what is wrong with it and I did not even think that it is possible that it is nerve pain. I have peripheral neuropathy in my feet and it is a very painful burning feeling...similar to what my arm has been feeling like. I do remember the dr saying that the neuropathy can occur in places other then my feet and now I am thinking maybe that is what this is. Just what I need...another permanent pain problem. But, I will say this...I will take physical pain any day over mental pain. I can deal with the physical stuff a lot better then the mental problems. I still say the worst symptom/problem that I have ever had is the globus hystericus that I get. The time that it lasted for a few months I really just wanted to die. It was awful.
Anyways, besides the pain today was a good day. The kids were good, the day was calm. The boys and I slept in. Hubby worked. K. brought in sub sandwhiches for us for lunch. I played with S. for quite awhile with a new alien toy he bought yesterday. It is toy that combines play dough and slime stuff lol..but, I do not mind the mess at all. I am just glad that I feel well enough to play and have fun. I know the boys realize that I am doing better. C has even said as much to me recently. I watched some tv. I have the 2nd season from Nip Tuck that I have out from netflix. I got some sewing done. The mobile dog grooming lady came by and groomed my dog. I did a minor amount of cleaning...just dishes and a bit of straightening up. I hung out online for awhile browsing some of the blogs that I like to read. So, basically a very easy day doing the things I like to do.
I was just thinking today about how far I have come in the past 3 years. I am so grateful for how I am doing now. I know I still complain and wish that I was better but in the grand scheme of things I am very happy with how I am doing now. I just never want to go back to how I was 3 years ago. I do not know how I even made it through.
I am also really grateful for all my online friends. It seems that recently that I have lost touch with some of them though. I know it is partially my fault because I need to be better at replying and keeping up with emails. I am going to make a point to do that. I feel lonely at times and know that I need to make sure to keep in touch with my friends. I think it is because of my friends that I have been doing so much better with my depression also. I also have met an online friend who understands what I am dealing with in regards to my panic/anxiety/agoraphobia. She deals with it as well. It really makes a big difference to know somebody else who has the same problems. It was nice to be able to email her yesterday when I was having my panic attack and know that she knew exactly what I was going through.
Well...I am glad today was a good day and I hope tomorrow is just as good.

Dealing with panic today

2008-02-29T22:03:00.000-08:00

I have been doing well with my panic. I have not had a full blown panic attack in quite a few months. I have had times when I was anxious but it never got to the point of a panic attack. Well, today for some reason I started having a panic attack. I was getting ready to put my lunch in the microwave and all of a sudden I started feeling dizzy and short of breath. I had thought is was my blood sugar since I had not eaten yet so i grabbed an orange soda and took a few sips of that...blech, that was way to sweet. I laid down on the couch and tried to stay as calm as I could. I knew that fighting it would just make it worse. I took a full xanax and just waited for it to kick in. Of course I could not help thinking that maybe this was the start of my medicines stopping working or that I was going back to how I was before when I was suffering from daily panic attacks and did not even want to live anymore. Luckily I calmed down quickly and after letting the xanax do its thing I was feeling back to normal.
Now I will admit I am still a bit worried that it will happen again. If I make it through a few days without it happening again I think I will be back on track...please please do not let me get back to how I was before when I had this happen to me all day long. I really do not think I can handle that again.

OUCH

2008-02-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

Another day of pain. I have been in pain for about 5 years but this is above and beyond my usual pain. I could not even sleep last night because the pain in my shoulder/arm was unbearable.
The only positive fact is that since the pain is on my right side I at least am not panicking that it is my heart..
I can not pinpoint the exact point of pain. It feels like somebody is pulling one one side of my muscle and somebody else is pulling on the other side and just pulling and pulling. Very hard to explain but that is what it feels like. Almost like when you are carrying something that is way heavy and your arms are killing you but you can not put the object down. That is what it feels like all day long. This has lasted for almost a week and it is terrible.
I can get in to see the dr next week. I am not sure what he can do. Maybe give me a stronger muscle relaxer. Maybe that is what I need. I just can not stand this to last much longer.
I do hope that it starts feeling better soon. This pain is doing nothing good for my depression or anxiety. I am anxious thinking that something is wrong. What would make my arm hurt this bad. And depressed because I feel like I can not do anything. I just do not feel like doing anything. The only thing that makes my arm feel even a bit better is to lay down with a heating pack underneath my shoulder. But how can I spend the entire day laying down?
Of course it does not help that my parents who live next door can not think about much more then themselves. They both have their health problems, I know this. But, just because I do not talk about my problems all the time that does not mean that I do not suffer as well. I try not to complain to them at all but then they start asking me to do tons of stuff for them and then they act surprised when I tell them that I am hurting too much to do the stuff for them...I guess maybe I need to be more vocal about complaining so my parents get the hint...
Nothing like being asked to go next door to pour my mom a glass of 7-up.....oh sure, I will just hop right over and take care of that. NOT
Maybe their perfect child, my brother can come for a visit and help them out some..

Would it matter?

2008-02-27T21:54:00.001-08:00

I guess today I am just feeling sorry for myself. I am in tons of pain and even with my pain meds it is not helping too much. The pain is the worst on my right shoulder/upper arm, shoulder blade area which makes it very hard for me to be on the computer. My computer is my main source of friendship and entertainment and not being able to be online as much as I need to be is very frustrating. I am sitting now on the couch with my arm on a pillow and a heat pack on my shoulder while I am trying to type this on my laptop.
I sometimes wonder if something happened to me, would I be missed. Would people even realize I was not around anymore? When I worked I knew that I would be missed if I was gone and that I would have people who would come to my funeral etc. Now, I just wonder if it would make a difference at all. Would anybody miss me??? would anybody come to my funeral? Would I just be forgotten as if I never existed in the first place?
I know I want my life to have meaning and purpose. I just am not sure how to do this. I try to be kind and generous. I try to watch my words and not say or do things that could hurt somebody. I try to help others anytime that I can. But, it still just does not seem like enough. I think that is what I want to try to figure out in the next few weeks..what do I want to do with the rest of my life. Sort of like what do I want to be when I grow up lol..I am 37 now and figure if lucky I could live another 50 years...so I want to make sure that I make my life meaningful. I am young enough now that I can still do something with my life to make a difference. I do not want to wake up one day when I am 65 or 70 years old and realize that I have let all these years go by and that I did not do anything with my life.
I am realistic though. I realize that with my anxiety and panic issues that I can not plan to do things outside of my home. If I end up being able to go out and do stuff that is a bonus but I can do plenty from home. I have made hats and other items to donate and made quite a few last year but I just do not feel like that is enough. I guess I will be spending some time in the next few weeks thinking about what kinds of things I can do that will make me feel like I am doing something meaningful.
I feel like this post is just a bunch of ramble...it probably is. I am in too much pain and feeling too sorry for myself to worry about this making sense.

ohh the pain

2008-02-26T09:32:00.001-08:00

I am in so much freaking pain today. I feel like I can hardly move. My shoulder is spasming and I can not stand it. I am alone with the kids today so have to at least be able to function some. I took my pain pills and am waiting and hoping that they will kick in some because this is just awful.

Testing myself

2008-02-25T21:09:00.000-08:00

I think I am doing better with my new meds. I start hoping that I will be normal again sometime. Today was a good day and I was feeling confident that I was doing better. Well....of course I had to test myself. I failed the test. What I did was watch a show called beach patrol and sure enough every time something bad happened on the show I would start getting that panicky feeling.
I used to love the adrenaline rush of emergencies. I worked in the hospital and could not imagine doing anything else. One of my favorite places was the emergency room. I never thought that anything like that would bother me. But, I guess my mind has failed me.
While watching the show tonight I would start feeling panic when it showed people being injured and stuff like that. Then a part came where a guy was body surfing and he got flipped over on a wave. He could not feel anything from his nipple line down. I am guessing it was a neck injury. Of course that really set off my panic. The last rescue of the show was a young man who went down in the water and they could not find him. They pulled him out an hour later and started working on him. Before I started with this mental illness I would have focused on the code and the meds they were giving and the monitor and would think in my mind how I would have run the code if I was there. But...nope...not anymore. Now all I feel is panic. Fear.
The show has been over for about 20 minutes now and I still feel panicky. I am trying to think calm thoughts but I just keep feeling my heart race and my mind starting to think about death and dying.
So, I guess I failed the test of being able to watch the shows that I used to love...

Well, that is a kick in the pants...

2008-02-25T11:07:00.001-08:00

Maybe this should not bother me, but it does. I know I should be the bigger person and just let it go but this just seems so wrong.
My parents are having to watch their money a bit right now due to them trying to sell some extra properties they have and having their money tied up with that. My mom told me a few months ago that they did not have any money and could not buy my kids any birthday or Christmas gifts. Of course I told her that was fine. We are not the type to be hung up on getting gifts, especially from her since none of them have any meaning. She just grabs the quickest thing she can and calls it a gift. Well, we still gave her and my dad gifts because we do not think that we have to get gifts in order to give gifts. J and C both had birthdays in december and they got nothing from my parents...not even a card, a phone call...a small token of a gift..nothing. Christmas came and again the kids and I got nothing. Not even a card or anything to show that they cared. We gave them gifts which seemed again like they were not appreciated. My parents live next door and so could have even offered to color with the kids or do something with them and my kids would have appreciated that. But, nope....nothing...no effort of any sort from my parents to show my kids that they care.
We did not think much of it because that is how my parents have always been. We do all sorts of stuff for them. Cook for them at times, shop for them, take out their trash, give them rides etc...and they do nothing in return to even pretend like they care.
Well...a few days ago my mom called and asked me if I would ship a package for her. She wanted me to print up postage at home ( and of course pay for it) and ship this package. I said ok. R. went to get the package from my mom yesterday. When I saw the package I was SHOCKED, IRRITATED and rather UPSET. The package was to my 2 nieces in California. My nieces from my brother who probably does not want the gifts because they probably are not up to his standard. It was a box from my mom to my nieces with late Christmas gifts in it and early Bday gifts....so...my mom can not get anything for my kids when we live next door and appreciate everything we get but she can get stuff for my brothers kids who have other family and friends who I am sure shower them with gifts. My parents are more or less my kids only extended family( yes it sucks....). My kids would have even been fine with a coloring book and crayons, or a small stuffed animal, a book, something used etc. I am sure she made sure to get something special for her other grandkids and I am sure it cost more then what a small book or .97 cent hotwheels car would have cost. This is not the first time she has done stuff like this, she has sent boxes of clothing and stuff to them numerous times and I know that when my mom gets used stuff to send to my brother that part of it or most of it gets given away. A few years ago she went to Kohls and picked out these princess pj's for her other grandkids and she went on and on about them and how much thought and effort she put into buying them. Well for my kids that year she told me to get online and find something around 20 dollars and send her a link for it so all she would have to do is click on it and buy it. AND...the final nail in the coffin is that I get to pay to ship this to them...
Yes I am angry and bitter. I am trying to get past it since it really should not surprise me one bit. But yes, it does hurt me that my kids are not worthy enough for my parents to even try to pretend to care.

2:30 AM

2008-02-24T01:27:00.000-08:00

GRRR..another night that I can not sleep. It is 2:30 am. I am tired but I just can not sleep. I tried for awhile but just laid there waiting and waiting for sleep lol.
I like staying up all night but then I am so tired the next day. I had wanted to get some good sleep tonight so my friend could come over tomorrow and we could hang out.
Maybe I will go have the perfect bedtime snack...a xanax, oxycodone and a few graham crackers lol..maybe that will do the trick...sometimes I can not sleep because I am too anxious. I lay there trying to fall asleep but my mind just keeps going. It is hard to sleep when my mind is thinking about a million terrible things that could happen to me. Other times I can not sleep because I am in pain. There is just no possible way for me to get comfortable. Lately my neck and shoulders have been hurting so much that I can not lay on either side. My hips also hurt and if I lay in the same position for more then a little bit my entire body starts hurting. It is hard to fall asleep when everything hurts.

What if.....

2008-02-23T21:06:00.000-08:00

What if?...seems to be a question that keeps me from doing things. No matter what comes up I always question, what if...
Maybe instead of asking what if I need to change my thoughts. There will always be what ifs.
If I want to go somewhere I wonder what if my car breaks, what if we get in a wreck, what if the roof of the store falls in, what if the store is robbed...the list goes on and on and it gets me nowhere.
I try to put these thoughts out of my mind but then something comes along and starts the thoughts all over again. I try to block out things like the news, the newspaper, scary tv shows etc but somehow my mind still finds things to worry about.
I also seem to have really odd dreams. They seem so real. I know that some of the medications I take can make people have weird dreams. I have always had dreams but never ones that were just so real and seem to have the same sort of theme over and over. Recently the dreams have been about me having to go back to work. In my dreams I lose my disability checks and have to go back to work. I go back to work in a hospital. Sometimes in my dreams it is a hospital in this time and other times it is one back years and years ago. All sorts of things go wrong for me in my dreams. I either can not find the patients that I am taking care of or I forget to give them their medications. I will all of a sudden realize it is the end of my shift and I have not taken care of anybody. I walk to another hallway and then can not find my way back to the floor I was working on. When I get ready to leave I can not find my car and then when I try to call home I keep hitting the wrong numbers on the phone and get not get through to anybody.
Lots of other really odd things happen to me when I am dreaming that I am working.
I wake up and am really freaked out. I look at the clock and then try to think and try to make sure that it really was a dream and that I really did not have to go to work. Sometimes I wake up my husband and make sure that things are ok.
I have other weird dreams also. One dream was that my car had no brakes and I had to just keep driving and driving and trying to avoid hitting things and wrecking. It was really scary and again I woke up freaked out and started worrying that what if that really did happen..
I also have dreams that seem so real and freaky and when I wake up I remember the dream but then it seems that in a matter of a day or so I forget the details of it. I have thought about writing down my dreams but then figured that maybe I just am not meant to remember them...maybe it would be more upsetting if I remembered exactly what happened in my dream. I would probably obsess over it and that would not be good.
I sure wish I could go back to the days that my dreams were about fun lighthearted things lol.

poetry

2007-11-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

I used to write poems and stories and songs A LOT..for some reason I just have not done that in a long time so I figured as stuff pops into my mind maybe I would just jot it down as I thought of it even if i is not very good. I want to just write it out even if it is not very good....maybe I can get back into my poetry and creative writing. For some reason all of my poetry used to be very dark and sad. Maybe I can write some happier stuff in the future.

When eternity called out your name

I thought that I had everything
that tomorrow was just a promising
one day I found
it fell to the ground
when eternity called you away
but I only want you to stay
it is not fair
you should not be there
I want you here with me
why must I wait for eternity
life is not the same
since eternity called your name
the tears fall like rain
and I cant take the pain
since eternity darkened your flame
I am drowning in sorrow
there will be no tomorrow
I want things to be the same
before eternity called out your name
I scream to the stars
can you hear me that far?
you still live in my dreams
you're an angel it seems
I wish this was not my fate
because eternity is too long to wait

May June and July 2007

2007-09-22T08:42:00.000-07:00

I have fallen behind on blogging. I wrote in my journal but just never got around to putting it in my blog. I will copy some stuff from my journal onto here just to kind of catch up.
I raised my dose of zoloft a few times. I am on 150mg now. I will raise it a few more times until I am on 200mg. I raise it by 25mg at a time but need to give it a month or so at each dose to see how it will work.
These 3 months I only left the house to go to my dr appts. I use the excuse that it is too hot, but I really just do not have any desire to go anywhere.
Kim moved back in, guess she got tired of having room mates and so she moved back in.
Josh moved out. He just can not stay away from his friends here who get him into trouble. He was kicked out of his out patient rehab program because he was still smoking weed. He last few urine tests from probation have been positive also. He has not completed his community service like he was supposed to. He was then put on house arrest. This was very hard on all of us because of his anger problems. He was cooped up here and could not leave the house so he started acting out more and more. He is 16 but can not get a drivers license because of his arrests.
In July I decided that we could not deal with this anymore. Almost 4 years of this, of him being arrested numerous times, his inpatient rehab, outpatient rehab. All the costs of court fees, attorney fees, probation fees etc. All of his lies and everything else. We sent him to live with his dad in July. Josh did not want to go. He protested and begged. He actualy took off the day he was suposed to leave and did not come home til then next day so he purposely missed is plane. He thought that meant he would not have to go. NO, that just meant I had to spend more money for another ticket so he could leave.
He finally did leave. He calls here constantly begging to come home and promising he will not ever get in trouble again etc. Well, it is a shame that I can not believe him. His word is not worth the air he uses to make it. I just can not deal with it anymore. I worry about the safety of my other kids. I worry about the toll that the stress takes on me. He has been warned over and over for 4 years and it is time for him to move elsewhere.

chaos, messes and more

2007-04-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

I hate chaos and just feel like my house is cluttered and it makes everything seem chaotic. I do not like my house to be messy. I like it to be super clean with everything in its place. I want it to look like one of the models homes that you go look at when you want to buy a new home. My ocd makes me want to have everything perfect but my physical problems and fatigue keep me from making things perfect.
I just do not even know where to start. A friend has been trying to help me start on the fly lady program and to make a control journal but I just can't seem to even get started.
I am lazy. I like to read books, watch tv, watch dvds, sew, play on the computer and just basically lay around. I am trying to not be so lazy but then I figure why not. There is nothing wrong with being lazy except then I feel like I am wasting my life. But I can not understand how people figure out if you are wasting your life or not. No matter what I do with my life, I will eventually die. We all die. So, if I climb a mountain and cure cancer or if I lay on the couch and watch tv, it will still end the same way.
I realized something odd this week...the sight of blood and gore makes me sick. This is something new to me. I used to love to watch trauma shows and when I worked in the hospital, nothing made me sick. The grosser it looked, the cooler it was. The site of blood and guts was just common and was no big deal. I could be thinking about what I was going to cook for dinner while I was in the middle of cleaning out a pus filled wound. I guess all that has changed. My mind is weaker now and I guess everything is different then It used to be. The other night I was watching a show called scar or something like that. It showed people doing stunts similar to those done on the show jack ass but they mess up and fall and break bones and get hurt. About 5 minutes into it, I could not watch it anymore. I just could not. I had to keep looking away.
When I told my husband that I could not watch it, he was surprised also. He told me "you used to be so strong". I sure wish I was still strong now....
I have been working on relaxation this past week. I want to get some relaxation tapes and try them. When I have started feeling the globus feeling in my throat I have made an effort to lay down, close my eyes and focus on breathing in and out. I relax all my body and try to imagine the stress and anxiety leaving me. It has seemed to help some. I need to keep working on it.
I still do not want to leave the house. I keep saying I will go somewhere but then just have not ended up going.
Well, I have a few topics in my mind that I want to journal about so will have a few more entries in the next day or so.

So far, so good

2007-04-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

Well, week 3 of the new med, Zoloft has started.
I started out still taking lexapro but lowered it to 20mg and then started the zoloft at 25mg. I was supposed to do that for 1 week but after the first 3 days on it, I had my regularly scheduled appt. with the psych dr. I had been doing really well for those 3 days but he felt I was becoming a bit manic. He told me to slow down the tapering and to stay on that dose for 2 weeks instead of only 1 week and then lower the lexapro to 10mg and raise the zoloft to 50mg and do that for 2 weeks and then stop the lexapro. I am not sure after that what..I am not sure if zoloft goes higher or what.
I have been doing well on the zoloft. I have had some headache problems and some other side effects that are just a bit bothersome but nothing worth worrying about.
My anxiety has seemed better but my OCD seems to be a bit wild. I can not sit down if I feel there is something that needs to be done. My mind wanders more. I have not been online much the past 2 weeks because I just feel a bit too on edge. I have not had any panic attacks since I have started the zoloft though so that I all that I can hope for right now...it has been great.

Plans for the week

2007-03-19T20:41:00.000-07:00

I figure I need to make plans for each week otherwise the week will pass and I will get nothing done. I will sit and worry about what needs to be done and will end up doing nothing.
I will keep this weeks list simple since I know I will be going through med changes and want to not have to worry too much about other things. I do need to get sassy groomed, I am hoping to set up for a groomer to come to my home to do the grooming. I also need to get to the bank on weds to deposit my monthly disability check. I am hoping that my husband will take me to the bank that day and maybe we can do one other small errand. I also HAVE to get some lab work done. I have put it off because I am afraid the blood work will show I have some fatal illness and I just do not want to even know, but I have had this lab slip in my purse for over 3 months and I need to get it done. I have an appt with the psychiatrist on Thursday so, maybe I will have my husband take me to the bank on Thursday instead and we can go to the dr appt all at the same time while we are out so I do not have to make 2 trips out. Maybe if I am feeling well enough we can make a special quick trip into sprouts so I can buy some fresh fruit.
One last thing, I need to buy a few gifts online for a few online gift exchanges I am doing. I need to have them ready to mail out by the end of the month. This will be an easy task for me since I am a super duper expert at shopping and spending money online.
Ok, well this is what I plan to get done this week, of course I have lots more that NEEDS to get done like listing probably over 100 items on ebay, and plenty of other stuff..but for now I will stick with an easy list that will be realistic.

New meds start tommorow

2007-03-19T19:20:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my phone conversation with the psych dr. I see him thursday but wanted to start the new meds sooner. He called in a script for zoloft and I have instructions on how to wean from my higher dose of lexapro onto the zoloft. It seems like it is going to be a 4 week ordeal of switching fully from one, onto the other. I asked him about stopping the wellbutrin but he wants to change as little as possible at a time. So, that also means I will not be able to restart the lyrica or change my pain meds for awhile either. I understand that it is best not to change to much at one time.
I am worried about starting the new med.
My husband is off most of this week and weekend and I have posted a search for a mommy's helper for a few days a week for the next month. I just am trying to prepare for the side effects of weaning off an old med and starting on a new one. I am hoping to be just fine but will feel better if I have some plans.
I wish I had an extended family or a circle of friends. I wish I had neighbors that were my friends.
It is hard to feel like I really do not have people that I can depend on if I ever need some help...
When I feel better that is something I need to work on. I have some plans for things I want to do
I have signed up for some different online moms groups for my area, I know I can not be active in them now but I can at least talk online to the gals and get to know them. I know I also want to take some yoga classes and maybe a dance class. I have lots of things I want to do...I just need my mind to free me up to do them.
It is hard to explain how all consuming it is to be in a panic all the time. I spend so much time and energy with anxiety that I have little left for other things.
I did have a good day today so that was a bonus. It left me feeling positive about the med change. I read back over my blog and see that in the beginning I sounded stronger, more determined to get better. My recent posts have sounded like I am defeated. I think I have felt more and more pessimistic about getting better as time goes on and I am not any better.
My psych dr did tell me though that the longer I can stay symptom free, the lower my chances are for a relapse. So, I guess the means if this zoloft works, the more good days I have, the less chance I have of having a bad day.
I always hate new medications. I am scared I will have an allergic reaction and die. I plan to take the first dose tomorrow along with a generous serving of xanax...

The end of another week

2007-03-18T09:32:00.000-07:00

Sunday again....
Tomorrow I will call the psych dr. I have an appt with him Thursday but I want to see if I can start a new med even before I see him.
I take an above normal dose of lexapro and ever since I started taking it I just have not generally felt well. I continued to take it because it did settle most of the anxiety. Slowly though it has not been working and I am tired of not be totally well. I know there must be something that will get me better, closer to normal then what this med is doing. I also take wellbutrin but that does not seem to do much either other then help a bit with the side effects of the high dose of lexapro.
I have tried quite a few drugs, the one I will start on this week will be zoloft. I have heard promising things about zoloft working well for anxiety and panic disorders.
I do worry about the changing from one med to another. In the past the changing from one to another has been very rough on me physically and mentally. I am trying to set up for a mommy's helper to come in the few days a week that my husband works. I am hoping that this will be easy and that the med will start working fast and not have many side effects.
Maybe this will be the medication that will help me the most and give me at least part of my life back.

Who am I?

2007-03-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have thought about this a lot recently. The answer is not an easy one. I really do not know who I am anymore. I feel like the years of mental illness has robbed my identity. I am no longer the person I thought I was. Maybe I am not really anybody at all. I look in the mirror but that is not me. I do not see the person that I used to see looking back. How can 3 years of mental illness rob me of who I am? I do not smile the same, my eyes are not bright like they used to be. I look tired all the time. I smile at my reflection in the mirror but it looks fake, almost like I can look deeper and know that I am not truly happy.
The world that was once so big for me, has become small. I do not participate in any life outside of my home. I want to go out, I want to be an active participant in life and not just watching on as life passes me by. My mind just will not let me. I am a prisoner of mental illness. An unwilling participant of an invisible disease that has stolen my bright future from me.
I have had good months when the medication has worked, but it has always been just a small window of wellness. Just enough to tease and tempt me. Enough to let me start believing that maybe there is an end to this mental nightmare. As soon as the hope has built and my heart begins to feel excitement again, it is snatched away from me.
I have tried to be upbeat and positive about this journey, but I feel weak right now. I feel hopeless and helpless to what is happening to me. I know this is just a low place right now. A place that I do not like. A dark place that I have been before but not a place I like to stay. It is a place of dark thoughts and many tears. A place that is lower then I could have even imagined feeling.
I know it is not all real, it is a figment of medications that are not working properly. Of chemicals and hormones that are out of sync with each other
I know that I will start a new medication and have new hope again. I will look for each day for the bad feelings to subside and for the good days to become more frequent. I just hope that I am not let down again.
I hope that in a few weeks when a new medication has saturated my brain that I will be able to better answer the question of who I am.

pain is a pain

2007-02-18T20:53:00.000-08:00

My pain has been bad the past few weeks. I keep thinking that one day it will slowly get better and I will need less pain meds but so far it just keeps hurting. I have fibromyalgia as well as arthritis in my knee from all the surgeries to repair my femur. I also have the bone spurs in my neck and I really think that is what causes quite a bit of my pain. I just never seem to be pain free, unless of course I forget that I just took a dose of oxycodone and accidentally take a 2nd dose. That has only happend 2 times or so but amazingly I felt out of pain. At first I did not realize that I had no pain I just kept feeling different and then I thought to myself wow, no pain...I wish it had lasted longer then 2 hours. I tried the new medication LYRICA for awhile but it did not help much. I also have peripheral neuropathy and that causes lots of burning in my feet or makes them feel tingly like they are falling asleep. At this point the only shoes I can wear are crocs and of course my older kids hate the look of crocs and tease me about them. I want a new body lol..
I get upset with myself that I am lazy and do not do much. I guess I should at least let myself have some excuse since I have been qualified as disabled by the government and my dr's. It is hard for me though to think that I can not just do everything I want to do or everything that I used to do or that everybody else does. Since I do not LOOK disabled it is easy for people to just think I need to get up off my ass and get moving...I am guilty of this as well. Sometimes I am really tired and I was thinking geez I am lazy, then I realized that with the amount of oxyodone, xanax and other meds I take that it may not be laziness, it may be medications causing it.
I did change the time I take my lexapro from morning until night. I take the wellbutrin in the morning and the lexapro at night and that has seemed to have made a fairly big difference that I am noticing now. I do not feel so groggy throughout the day.
I have not had much anxiety problems this past week. Luckily the globus feeling has subsided this past week..thank goodness, that is the worst thing ever.
I started exercising and trying to eat better. I know if I lose weight that it will take a lot of stress off of my body and will help me feel less pain.
I am getting really worried about how much C weighs. He is 10, he is a big boy, about 4 foot 10 but almost 120 pounds. He is pretty solid but he needs to lose weight. We could not find any p ants that fit him properly this winter so he has had to mostly wear sweat pants and track pants. He has just recently started being upset about his size. I feel for him because I was the fat kid in school and hated it. I think my life could have turned out with a different story if I had not been the fat kid. Luckily we homeschool him but I worry that he will keep gaining weight. I had a talk with him today. Nothing harsh, just a gentle talk about some different foods we would be changing to and how he could walk on the treadmill etc. I think even if he could just lose 10 pounds and then maintain that for awhile until he grows a few more inches then I think he would be fine.
Well, I have thought about some journal entry subjects that I wanted to get written down and journal about so I plan to be writing quite a bit here in my blog the next week or so...so if you are a reader of my blog, check back this week..

Catching up

2007-02-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

I have not posted much in awhile. I wanted to keep this blog as an ongoing journal. I have thoughts in my head that I want to come blog but just never actually sit down to do it. I need to make a better effort at doing so. I find writing down my feelings etc to feel good, a place I can say whatever I want. I like to look back over the posts and see what thing I was feeling over the past few years.
I have had my ups and downs since the first of the year. I have not had any actual full blown panic attacks but have had a few times that I could tell I was on the edge of one. I have also had some more problems with my globus the past week..I hate this feeleing, I would rather have my arm held over a fire then to feel the feeling of the globus in my throat. I am hoping it will just subside over the next few days. I have had it at times that it was very mild and went away after a few days and then I have had it at times that it was terrible and it lasted for months.
I am blessed to have my best friend C...I know that I am happier now that I have a friend that I can count on to always be there and that I can trust and talk to. Trust is a big issue for me since some other things happened online at some forums I go to. I used to share everything at certain forums, I was like an open book. I am not comfortable doing that anymore and that kind of sucks. I loved the support and the input that I would get from other people when I would share details of my life. It is a shame that a few bad things has made me not want to share personal stuff anymore. Maybe I will get over it as time goes by....either way it is ok since I have my friend C that I can share whatever I want to with her.
My oldest daughter is moving out. She is 18 1/2 and I guess she is ready to try out life on her own. She is sharing an apartment with 2 other girls and the apartment is only 10-15 minutes from here so that is no so bad. She also wants to keep some of her stuff here and her bed so she can sleep here 1-2 nights a week. I think that is just a bit of security for her. A way for her to know that she still has a home here and can always come back. That is fine with me. She can come back anytime if she needs to but I think after a few weeks at her new apartment she will realize she does not want to come sleep here.
I can tell right now that she is happier then she has been in many many years...she has friends, a social life, doing fun teenage stuff and has paid all her bills and is actually saving money for the future. It is good to see her happy.
J has been clean and sober for about 6 weeks now. He spent a few weeks in juvie and I think maybe that scared him enough to keep him clean for now. He is doing outpatient intensive rehab as wel as church etc. He also seems happier then he has been in a long time. He seems to have plans for the future and as long as he stays clean he will be able keep planning for the future.
I had to go to the dentist last week and that is my biggest phobia ever. So, it was a hard week. I also need to go back next month to have a deep gum cleaning, that takes 4 appointments and I am already freaked out about it.
The addition of wellbutrin to my other meds has seemed to make a small difference, not tons of difference but enough to give me some more motivation to at least sew some and do some other things. I think I could probably use a higher does sinse I still feel depressed at times and just do not enjoy things that I used to and do not really feel like I have anything good in the future to look forward to.
My pain has also been a huge issue this past month. No matter how many oxycodone I take I am still in pain. I will see the dr next week and will need to change to something longer acting and then just use the oxycodone for breakthrough pain. The dr has mentioned putting my on oxycontin. Yes I have heard all the stories of people getting addicted to it etc.....but that is not really anything I am concerned about, I am in pain, I can not function, my quality of life is not very good because of my pain and if there is someway to decrease my pain so I can start doing the things I used to like to do, then it is well worth the risk of the oxycontin.
Well....I have more to write...much more but will end this now so I can take a nap.

Self injury continued

2006-12-12T19:54:00.000-08:00

9th grade I did not do much to myself. I had a very good school year and was busy with friends and boys etc...
10th grade I felt depressed at school. I did not feel like I fit in. I felt like I had to have a boyfriend all the time or I would not fit in.
I started something that I repeated over and over again....I would scratch the inside of my left arm. I would scratch it over and over and over until the skin was ripped off and it was oozing. I would do this from almost my wrist to about my elbow, on the inside of my arm. The first time I did it I was upset over not getting attention from my parents. We were at somebody elses house and my parents were doting over the other kids and paid no attnetion to me. I did this to my arm and showed my mom. I told her that I think it was from some sap on a tree that we had been playing around on. I LOVED all the attnetion. My mom was saying OH MY that looks terrible, oh no....she had everybody look at it to see if they knew what it was etc...my moms friend got out some guaze and cleaning wash and they bandaged me up and I loved having a big bandage on my arm so people would ask me what was wrong.
It healed and then I did it again, my mom took me to the dr and he did not know what it was. I really liked that the dr did not know what it was, he was stumped....
I loved the attention. WHen I was feeling sad or left out, I would do this and then people would pay attention to me. WHen I went to summer camp and I felt sad I did this at night and then I got attention. I do not know why I liked hurting myself. My mom took me to the dr a few times. The last time she took me the dr told my mom to take me to a psychiatrist, that he thought I was doing this to myself because of the way the wounds looked and they only went in one direction so he felt I was doing it to myself. On the way home my mom asked me if I needed to see a psychiatrist. I laughed at her and told her how stupid that was....
I then moved onto other things since it seemed that this had run out of getting me attention. For some reason I figured I would take a nail file and rub it on my forehead...this left a red raw mark and I told people that I had ran into something....this got me lots of attention at school.
There are other things I did to myself. I used the nail clipper on my fingers and cut pieces of skin off, I burned my arm on the electric elements on the stove, I used eyeliner and mascara and put fake bruises on me for attention. I banged my arm against a wall over and over to try to bruise it...
There is quite a bit more I want to post on this subject. I am just finding it to be too tiring to think of all the stuff I did to myself to try to get attention...

Self injury

2006-12-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

This is not something I suffer with anymore but I used to. I never even knew it had a name or that other people did it also. I thought it was just something weird I did. I started reading about people who cut themselves and it started making me remember things I had done to myself. I have never cut but I have done plenty of other things to myself. I would tell people that I hurt myself by falling or burned myself on the stove etc. I did that for so many times that it is taking me awhile to realize all the times I had hurt myself.
I think the first time I hurt myself I was about 9. There was sharp rocks and I would rub it on my finger until I had a cut and it would bleed. I would do this at school and get sent to the nurses office. I liked the attention. I liked having all the other kids ask me if I was ok...
I do not remember harming myself again until about 8th grade but there are times before that that I had made up injuries, wore ace bandages etc to pretend I was hurt or told stories of how I had been sick etc.
In 8th grade I would take a finger nail clipper and clip it on my lips to take a few pieces of skin off my lip. This would make them bleed and look terrible. They would hurt and would crack and everybody would ask me what happened etc. I told some story of how I had falled and gotten splinters etc in my lip....
I was also on the basketball team and one day during a game I fell and then pretended that I was hurt. I loved the attention of the coach running over to me and of the game stopping and everybody watching etc. My mom was called and they took me to the dr and then I went to school for a week with my arm wrapped up. I loved people carrying my books and asking me if I was ok...

to be continued in next post in a bit...this post is getting long lol..

Living today

2006-12-11T10:20:00.000-08:00

This sort of relates to my previous post of living in the present. I am living each day. It is hard to now think about tommorow. Hard to not worry what tommorow may be like or if my medications stop working tommorow of if I am sick tommorow. But, that only makes me miss out on today. I have more good days recently but do not enjoy them because I am to busy anticipating the next day.
Today is a good day. I am awake, I feel well. I have a dr appt with the psych dr today and will discuss with him a few side effects of the lexapro and am sure he will discuss my dosing of the wellbutrin which is supposed to help with the lexapro side effects.
The weather is nice out. My husband is working and the 2 oldest kids are at school and work. We got the tree up last night and put the lights on. TOnight we will do the decorations. I do not need to worry about tommorow right now. I have enough stuff to do for the day and better things to focus on for right now.
I am trying to just keep asking myself how I am feeling *RIGHGT NOW* For right now I am fine. My breathing is fine. My globus is not acting up. I will be going out later for my dr appt so will get dressed and put makeup on.

Enjoying the present because it is a present

2006-12-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

I am learning that looking forward or looking backwards only causes anxiety and depression. Depression over the things I have missed out on and how my life has changed, and anxiety from looking towards the future and not knowing what each day will be like. I can not change yesterday and I am not promised tommorow so I need to just be happy for each today. I have been trying to just tell myself * I feel good today, today is a good day, do not think about any other days* It seems to help to think of it that way. I can worry about each day as it comes and fight each battle as it happens.
My friend D has not come by this week, I had an appt and she had some stuff to do as well. I enjoy my time with her and often think about what lesson I have learned all week long. Even if the study we do does not hit me right away, later on it comes to me how it pertains to me and how it can help me. I still look back over the purpose driven life study we did and find something new in it each time. I am thankful for her spending her time helping me out and hope someday to repay the gift by doing the same for somebody else.
I think we are going to put our christmas tree up tonight. The boys sound excited over it and I am wanting to make the holiday special.
I am trying to fix the relationship between my mom and I though I know she will never change and I can not deal with quite a bit of what she does. She is my mom and will always be and so I do want things to at least be happy between us. I often think that her and I have a lot of the same suffering we go through with mental and physical problems. We just deal with them much differently and I so do not want to be like her....

My dog sassy

2006-12-09T10:36:00.000-08:00

I got a new dog a few months ago. She has brought joy and sunshine to my life. My moods are better. I feel like waking up in the morning so I can give her a treat. She loves me so much that I can not help but love myself a bit more because of her. I always wanted another child, another daughter but due to my health I can not have anymore. Sasssy is like the daughter that I was not able to have...
She is constantly by my side and she can feel my moods and knows how to cheer me up or calm me down.
I have heard people say oh she is just a dog...she may be just a dog to some people but to me she is much more. She is my friend, my companian and more. I found this cute little story and it reminded me of how I feel when people say she is just a dog...

Just a Dog

From time to time, people tell me, "lighten up, it's just a dog," or, "that's a lot of money for just a dog." They don't understand the distance traveled, the time spent, or the costs involved for "just a dog." Some of my proudest moments have come about with "just a dog." Many hours have passed and my only company was "just a dog," but I did not once feel slighted. Some of my saddest moments have been brought about by "just a dog," and in those days of darkness, the gentle touch of "just a dog" gave me comfort and reason to overcome the day.If you, too, think it's "just a dog," then you will probably understand phrases like "just a friend," "just a sunrise," or"just a promise." "Just a dog" brings into my life the very essence of friendship, trust, and pure unbridled joy. "Just a dog" brings out the compassion and patience that make me a better person. Because of "just a dog" I will rise early, take long walks and look longingly to the future. So for me and folks like me, it's not "just a dog" but an embodiment of all the hopes and dreams of the future, the fond memories of the past, and the pure joy of the moment. "Just a dog" brings out what's good in me and diverts my thoughts away from myself and the worries of the day.I hope that someday they can understand that it's not "just a dog" but the thing that gives me humanity and keeps me from being "just a person." So the next time you hear the phrase "just a dog" just smile, because they "just don't understand."

depression is not normal

2006-11-29T16:39:00.000-08:00

I think some people think that being depressed is just a normal part of life. When I have told people I am depressed most of them say oh but why...you have such a wonderful family, healthy kids blah blah blah...well DUHHHHHHHHH.....it is because I have an illness called depression. If my kids were sick or my husband was dead and I was depressed, that would be NORMAL....when your life is going well and your kids are healthy and you have food and a house and you still feel depressed, that is ABNORMAL, you have an illness. By telling me that I should feel blessed and should be happy becase look at this person or that person who has all these bad things going on and I am soo lucky and I should be happy...HELLOOOO that is like telling a person with a broken leg that they should get up and walk...I have an illness. I know I am lucky, I know I am blessed, yet I still feel like life sucks...and of course I feel guilty when people point out how blessed I should feel.
I think people are confused in the fact that mental illness is still an illness, a sickness, a disease. It is nothing we have done wrong. People would never tell somebody with cancer to just get over it, but people have the nerve to say that to people with depression.
Luckily I have simple depression, not bipolar. My depression seems to come and go with really no rhyme or reason. Often my depression is not in a form that people would even realize that anything was wrong, unless it was somebody who knew me really well. I do not cry or seem sad, I do not think of suicide. I usually just do not care about anything. I do not care about how I look, if I change my clothes, I do not care or even know what day or the week it is. I could spend the entire day sleeping. The days that I am depressed I also seem to not want to eat. I just do not want to bother to take the time to make anything and no food sounds good. Too bad I have not lost any weight. I have actually gained lots from the medications I am on.
I was thinking some more the other day about what sort of symptoms I had of anxiety when I was a kid, and the more I thought of it the more I realized that I was a really depressed kid. I hid it well but I did have symptoms of it that I can even remember now. I also wrote this awful awful dark poems. Poems about me living in a box, or dying and bleeding and nobody caring. Poems about me being worthless and unloved. I saved the poems in a notebook and was reading some of them the other day. I can not believe that people who read them when I was younger never looked into me being depressed. In 9th grade I took a creative writing class and lots of these poems are from my class journal and was read and graded by the teacher. Even though here was mentions of harming my self and lots of saddness in the poems, she never questioned me, never sent me to see the school counselor, never contacted my parents etc. I also used to have quite a few of the poems hanging on a corkboard in my room....again, nobody ever asked me if I was depressed.
I also had odd sicknesses, injuries, bruises etc that I had caused myself. Looking back, this started about ag 13 and lasted until my early 20's....I will write a post later detailing some of the things I did to punish myself or to get attention, I think mostly to get attention...

Rough times and learning to have faith

2006-11-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

The past 2 months or so have been on and off rough. I feel like the higher dose of meds is finally fully kicked in. I am happy with the decrease of the panic attacks but do not feel as if the medication is working as well as I would want it to. It controls my anxiety some but not as much as I was controlled last year on a lower dose. Of course now I also am aware of just how fast a med can stop working and that I could wake up tommorow with the medication not working and have to start over again. This scares the crap out of me. I can not deal with the panic attacks and try to take care of my kids at the same time. I wish I had some family or friends I could count on to help me out if I had a setback. I really do not have anybody who I know would help me out if I needed it. Everybody is busy and has thier own life and I am sure people do not understand what it is I deal with. Each night I get scared to go to sleep because I worry what the next day will bring. Will I wake up in a panic attack? will I be sick? will I be ok? The mornings are slowly getting better for me. Those are usually the roughest and now they are somewhat better.
The dr just re-prescribed me wellbutrin 150mg to start again. I am having bouts of what I would call * just not giving a damn* Not really depression but just not really caring and a bit of feeling sorry for myself added in.
I have worked on some things. I have done some rather large size sewing orders of doll stuff. I have listed some stuff on ebay. I did actually go out and get my eyebrows waxed the other day and am enjoying my new collection of bare minerals makeup.
I also am trying to be faithful and believe that GOD has a purpose and a plan for me. My friend D comes over every week and she has been a huge blessing to me. I now count the days of the week based on her visit. It helps the days not each be the same. I used to love having friends and it helps to have somebody come over. We finished the bible study the purppose driven life and I learned so much from that. I then got baptised and am very happy about that decision. I do firmly believe that there is a GOD and that I will go to heaven and that there is a purpose to everything.
Right now we are watching a series each week based on a lady that had suffered from depression for many years. She is now on medication and she did a dvd based on her faith. It really makes sense and each week gives me something to think about. The week before last really was a good message and it was to live life to the fullest. I am still stuck on that a bit because I am not sure what the fullest is. I see people who have these huge ambitions. Plans to climb mountains or ride bikes across the country. To me that is living life in the fullest but those are not things that I could do. I guess before I can live life to the fullest I need to figure out what it is that it means. I would love to get out but I am not sure where to...I also worry that if I do live life to the fullest if I have a setback with my anxiety that it will just make it all that much worse for me to deal with.
My current definition of a good day is making it through the day without a panic attack. I am slowly doing more though. I have cooked dinners for 2 weeks now and have made meal plans. I have planned out and am almost done with shopping for Christmas gifts.
I guess I need to have some ambition and some energy and to decide what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have wasted just about 5 years of my life and I can not get those back. Maybe I will make it a goal to list 5 things that I want to accomplish in the next 6 months.

pay it forward

2006-09-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

K and I watched this the other day. I had heard great things about it and so borrowed it from netflix. The movie was awesome, the idea of helping each other was great. The ending totally sucked though and nearly ruined the movie for me. I think there are sooo many other ways it could have ended and still made sense. I think there are so many other ways it could have ended to make it make even more sense.
I was talking to my friend about it and she said that lots of people had told her the ending sucked so she watched the movie and turned it off just as it got to the ending. She says she has no idea how it ended and she really liked the movie.
I want to implement my own form of pay it forward but I do not rely on others to follow through. I have quite a few skills that I can put to use to help others out and never have to leave my home.
In the bible study that I am doing, the purpse driven life, this weeks lesson was about helping others so it tied into the movie well. The main idea is that I need to give with a happy heart and for no reasons other then to give.I can not give to make people like me, I can not give to gain anything and I can not give and then complain about it. The giving needs to come from my heart. The bible study pointed out in the bible where it says that only the services done with a happy heart will count.
I think that people who give stuff or help others only so they can boast about it, should not even bother doing the good deed in the first place. I have had people help me before and nothing is lower then helping somebody else and then throwing it in thier face everytime you get a chance. I have a few people in my family like that. Nothing they ever give is given with kindness and just to give...it is given for their on selfish reasons and with strings attatched. There is a certain family member who still brings up stuff they have done for me over 10 years ago..geez...time to move on huh?
Well, I do realize my limitations, I can not commit to something that I have to leave the house for and I do not have lots of money. BUT, I do have plenty of other things to offer. I want to donate crochet hats to the cancer patients, I want to make some preemie clothes for the 1-2 pound babies in the nicu, I want to make memorial and burial gowns for the babies that were stillborn, I want to make and donate mama slings and newbown blankets etc..there is so much more I want to do but I need to start slow and aim big. And I do know that I am giving for the right reasons and with a happy heart.

Fall is coming

2006-09-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

I hope fall will be here soon. I know it will be on the calender but I am sure we will have at least another month or 2 of awful hot weather.
I went to the psych dr the other day and he asked me if I wanted to try a different med since this one is helping but not helping 100%. I decided to stay with what I am on. I am better, not normal and I do not think I ever will be normal. I do not want to risk trying something else and then having it not help as much as this. If this med stops working, like the lower dose did, then I will have to try something else.
I asked the psych dr if I will ever just not have to worry about anxiety...his answer was that unless we found a magic pill that I would always have to deal with it. His goal is to get me to a point that I mostly have good days and once in awhile have a rough patch.Right now I have bad days and good days, his goal is more like me having good months with a few bad days. I was at that point before, last year before the lexapro stopped working.
I can feel that I have more of my agoraphobia right now. I do not want to go anywhere. I make excuses not to leave the house. I do not want to go to the store or anywhere. I make plans to and then the day comes and I make an excuse to not go. I have gone a few times with my husband but I would rather not. There is no real reason, I just feel like I am safe and comfortable at home.
I watched a few episodes of the show Monk, about a detective with OCD and wow do I relate...I totally do..it is funny to watch the show but it is not funny when it is happening to me.
I also have been a bit more of a hypochondriac. I did well for awhile about not worrying about stuff, illnesses etc but had a few bad weeks where I was sure something was wrong with me.
I am having a good day and hope to be able to go with the family on a drive to phx tommorow to visit J in rehab.

Trying to catch up

2006-09-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

I have fallen behind on the blogging. I keep a journal that I write in at home and always plan to transfer to my blog but never quite got to it. I will write some of it here, even though it happened over the past 2 months or so.
JULY...july passed with not much fanfare...My husband changed his schedule so he can be home 4 days a week and just work 3 shifts a week. 12 hour shifts. This helps quite a bit since I feel better when he is home. I still do not feel like the lexapro increased dose has fully kicked in. I feel more agoraphobic then I had been a few months ago. It is ok, it is over 100 degrees out and I really do not need to go out anyways. I feel quite lazy though. Since the doctor stopped my wellbutrin I do not have much motivation for anything. I do not feel as depressed but I do not feel like my anxiety is as well under control as it had been.
K turned 18..I got her a car but she only drove for 3 weeks and then wrecked the car.

August....J is in trouble again. He was found with more weed and he is already on probation. He had 3 drug tests in a row show positive. He had to go to court again on the 17th and was sentenced to one year of probation. We got him a spot in a rehab and he will do 60 days inpatient rehab. Hopefully it will help. He has never tested postivie for anything other then pot, I know that is still bad but I am so glad that it has not progressed to any other drugs.
I am still having some problems with my anxiety. I want to get back to where I was a few months ago. I think it will take awhile longer for the higher dose of lexapro to kick in. I also had my xanax dose raised.